There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

Made up. Look back through the wonderful posts here and how much love there is for you on this thread. We are all so proud of you. You may not be able to see it now but you have to know that there is sunshine out there we waiting for you. Don't put any pressure on yourself. Just one small step forward at a time. I am thinking of you.

Sorry peaceful. Go clean your teeth, I'm ok

I have followed your story and the courageous fight you have put up against the odds - continuing to be a supportive partner and loving mother despite your doubts of your ability to do so. Your sheer strength is evident in the fact that you do keep living everyday, and the fact that tonight you kept yourself safe. I am so glad you posted again.

Thinking of you.

I'm so stupid but i am still here.

Good morning. I'm so glad you're here. I did get your message last night, thanks. My phone is freezy so couldn't respond. I'm very sorry you found yourself in such a desperate place last night. And so glad you told us. Ant so glad you decided to hang on. You're not stupid. The choices you keep making, to stay, to keep going, are the toughtest imaginable, yet you keep coming through. One moment to the next.

I have fallen out with my husband. I am off work today to look after the kids as its half term. Been up since 5.45 and struggling already. I feel so alone.

You are not alone Madeup.
I'm here, thinking of you and urging you on. Please don't give up.

You are not toxic, you are worthy of the love that your DC and DH give you. You are worthy of that because you give it back in so many other ways.

You are needed.

I am here listening.

Do you want to talk about your quarrel with DH?

Id been away from Saturday tea time till yesterday evening for a match. I know its a huge ask for him to have the kids all weekend but my mum had taken my son out in the afternoon and his mum had had the baby and cooked Sunday dinner for them all so he had help. I had promised him i wouldnt play the overnight fixtures but my club are in a relegation battle so he agreed i could play. He was in a horrible mood with me when i got back and had a real go at me because i didn't do any housework when i got home. I was too tired to care. We haven't spoken and he has gone off to work.

I feel so shit. I wish my cpn was at the end of the phone. I don't know what to do.

Can you phone him Madeup? Phone him and say that this overnight fixture was a one-off because of the threat to your team?

Lots of DH's don't realise how tough it can be looking after DC and it sounds like he's venting after a tough couple of hours on his own with them (it sounds like he was well-supported the other hours). I'm tempted to say in true MN fashion: " Meh, he'll get over it" but any negativity at the moment for you, is pulling you back under.

Ring him, see if he's come to his senses. Chances are, a few hours at work may have given him time to see reason. You'll feel a little stronger if you two are on good terms, perhaps?

I rely on us being on good terms so badly, he is my only real friend. I just cant take anything negative happening, it seems to tip me over into panic that i need to commit suicide and that is my only option.

CAn you call him Madeup?

It really is not your only option madeup. Have you been able to call him, message him? I'm sure he isn't as angry with you as you are with yourself, & just needs a little time & space to get over it. Does he know how bad you're feeling inside atm or are you hiding it from everyone in RL?

You're at home with the dcs today, so you'll have time to catch up on some housework if you need to. (I'd normally say let the housework go, but I suspect that might bother you more?)

Did your cpn leave you the name of her back-up? Can you give them a call? If not, do please call the crisis team and let them know you need more support.

And, most importantly, try and spend some down time with those beautiful dcs of yours. Let them surround you & protect you with their love.

You've been brilliant. You can do it. Still here holding your hand.

I cant drag myself off the sofa, my son is building Lego and my daughter is in her jumperoo. The house is a mess and i feel shit for not enjoying my holiday or giving the kids enough attention or doing anything productive. They are fed and clean but i cant cope with anything more.

I really just want to die, its all i can think about. I hate myself so much. I'm a pathetic waste of space and my children deserve so much more. I don't have a number of anyone to help me. I don't know what my husband thinks of how things are. I know someone messaged my sister to let her know I don't seem well. She will have told my parents and my other sister but they have not even been in touch. They teach so are off and live 2 minutes away but don't want to spend time with us/ have the kids.

I'm going to take just a small od when my hubby gets in so i can sleep as soon as he is home. He already is cross with me so i don't care. I cant hurt myself now with the kids here but i need to escape my head. I'm sorry.

Don't apologise. Your children are fed and clean, and playing happily. You are a loving and conscientious mother who is going through a really shit time, but you are still putting their needs first.

I know you want to die, I know you hate yourself. But please believe me when I say that you are the only person who feels that way about you. You are irreplaceable to your dcs. Your dp clearly loves you dearly, and yesterday's falling out will pass. The wider family gets 'crisis fatigue' ime, but I'm sure they still love you just the same.

Does your dh realise how bad things are in your head atm? I assume your family don't?

I have no right to ask this, but please do not take an od, not even a small one. Instead pls tell your dh how bad it's got. You've done so well these last weeks, but you really do need more RL support. Can you get him to help you find somebody in the crisis team who can make something useful happen?

And, at the very least, pls keep posting here xx

Hm, that sounds a bit like my day; DD1 watching dvds and DD2 playing with toys I keep alternating while leaning back and trying to keep my eyes just a bit closed; DD2 is waking up noisily practising new skills at night so kept me awake until just before 3 last night. When I got up this morning I felt as if half my face was sort of hanging off. I'm sure your DCs are fine having a bit of a non-day, please don't beat yourself up.

I'm sorry you had a quarrel with your DH, it's just the pits when things are left unresolved. When one person walks out it is so easy to end up feeling like you're in the dog-house, unable to redeem yourself, regardless of whether you have anything to apologise for or not. Which you haven't. Seems you can't win, you're busting a gut doing the best for everyone; playing for your team, arranging childcare to support your DH, not having a proper chance to rest over the weekend.

How would your family respond if you contacted them? I'm just wondering if they're holding off contacting you because they feel worried about approaching you to see how you are, thinking that you don't want your veneer scratched, like it is too exposing when someone actually asks you directly how things are? Perhaps way off the mark, and perhaps not even relevant, just a thought.

My parents can barely hide their disappointment every time they see me. Their grade A daughter has failed and is everything they wanted me to avoid. I have no career, am not financially sound, have no real friends, had kids young and have not travelled. I have never even been on holiday with my husband. I cant be around them without feeling like i have let them down. They don't ask how i am, the only time they acknowledge my illness is when they visit in hospital. They are too ashamed and uncomfortable with it all. I don't blame them.

My psychologist was keen for me to talk through how the pressure they put on me has impacted on my mental health but to me its a convenient excuse. They did what they thought was best, i failed. My siblings had the same upbringing, they are not crazy.

Husband is home from work now, seems ok with me but maybe because i had his tea on the table he couldn't be too cross. I really have had enough so am going to take enough meds to wipe me out till morning. My daughter will just have to have bottles tonight. Seems a worthwhile risk at the moment.

Madeup, please talk to your DH. I know you want respite from your thoughts but I so wish you'd actually tell him, or someone in RL how you feel.

You are so forgiving of your parents, and I'm probably out of order saying this, but your parents are part of the problem. I'm angry that they won't
pop in to see you, angry that they are embarrassed of your illness to the point where they seem to disengage.

Sorry. I know my ranting is not helpful to you. I just want someone in your RL to take control and just 'listen'.

Not very helpful I know but am clutching at straws and wanting you to be awake to read this. You are carrying an impossibly heavy weight of burden on your shoulders and getting very little help, thought, care I return.

Ask yourself this? Should you have been diagnosed with cancer or any other illness or condition that robs you of your sense of self, would
you be treated this way? Essentially, you are poorly Madeup, and you are being let down, yet still you forgive and never blame others.

Yet you blame yourself.

Pressed send too soon. I want some fighting your corner.

I understand a lot of what you're saying. I'm 2nd of 4 children & my father had high expectations of us. As each of us 'failed' to meet his standards, he kind of turned away from us & that expectation became magnified & directed at the next in line. If challenged he would have insisted that he was a good father & only wanted the best for us.

2 of us have mh issues. I suspect it all has something to do with that cycle of building up and withdrawal of his favour from us. My youngest sister is nearly 50, very intelligent & well educated, but has barely ever maintained a job or a relationship for more than a few months.

I'm not blaming all my problems on my father, of course not, I had plenty of opportunities that I screwed up all on my own. And blame is the wrong word anyway, we all just do the best we can. But my first breakdown followed his death &, at the time, I didn't understand the connection.

I would urge you to explore your family dynamics with your psychologist when you are able to. I really don't think it is just an excuse. Parents can treat their children in subtly different ways, or children of different temperaments can react differently to similar situations. It has helped me to understand a little more of how I might have got to where I am, and how I might move on. Maybe it can help you to not be so very hard on yourself.

Sorry to have gone on so about myself. Feel free to ignore. Hope you get some sleep tonight & feel better in the morning. Here to hand hold tomorrow if you'd like me to xx

^ ^
And everything that Welsh says

Made up the pain in your posts make my heart ache for you. I hope that you are able to get some restful sleep tonight.
I do not want to cause you any guilt maybe just give you a different perspective as I am a mom who lost her son to addiction and mental health issues. Perhaps the disappointment you see from your parents is not disappointment in you but in themselves... in that they can not make you well. Their disconnect may just be their fear of upsetting you or the sheer terror that their beautiful daughter may one day be gone, that fear can paralyze you emotionally. For a while in dealing with my sons illness I got it into my head that if I just pretended that everything was fine then it would be and he would be healthy. I do know that nothing else mattered other than him being healthy, is there a chance that your parents feel the same and are more than happy to see you with a wonderful family ?
One thing that changed a lot of this was being able to attend therapy sessions with him, it gave us both a safe environment to talk about our perceptions. it allowed us to talk about how I felt this was all my fault and his shame that he was disappointing me. Is therapy like this something that is feasible for you and your parents ?

www.metanoia.org/suicide/

And apologies for constant typos - am using my phone and my fingers are too big!

Hi madeup, my hand is here xx