There is no way out for me now.

[madeuplovesong44]

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

What 100 and Dakota said. Rooting for you 100 %, you're never long out of my thoughts.

Can anyone recommend a top UK counsellor for dealing with PTSD?

so sorry, meant to start a thread. will do that now. sorry madeup

That's ok, no worries. I hope you get the positive support i have been given, fire.

Had a horrible night at training. Couldn't shake the thought that someone was at the sports hall door and wanted to hurt my friends. Could hear him saying it would be my fault. My team mates knew that i wasn't ok. Hope they don't think I'm too crazy.

Dear Madeup, I am new to this thread and have read this entire thread and can I just say I am in absolute awe at what you have achieved despite battling a most horrendous and cruel illness.

What I am amazed is that despite this cruel illness tearing away and trying to destroy your very soul you have managed to:

1. Continue breast feeding
2. Look after your young family
3. Look after your household
4. Train hard for a national sport every day
5. Compete in a national team most weekends
6. Hold down a full on job
7. Put up an immaculate veneer
8. Carry on despite the terrible abuse you have endured
9. Carry on despite the guilt you feel from your past actions

10. Carry on despite woefully lacking the medical care you deserve 11. Carry on despite not feeling able to rest sufficiently for your needs 12. Carry on despite not eating enough for your needs.

I just want to put this all into perspective for a moment.

Most people would not even be able to manage 2 of these things from this list with what you are suffering from, let alone all 12!!

You are absolutely remarkable and an absolute inspiration.

Please could I offer something you could try which worked for me? I hope you don't mind me letting you know about this and it might not help you at all but I could not ignore this thread without at least seeing if it could help.

Whenever I felt negative and destructive thoughts entering my head I would imagine a little pacman, gobbling up all those negative feelings.

So the little pacman would be gobbling away and for every negative thought he gobbled up, the pacman would grow bigger and stronger. Eventually after defeating by gobbling up several negative thoughts, he would multiply and so another pacman would enter into the battle and do the same job, gobbling up these awful feelings.

You might add further 'arsenal' to your side in the battle, may be little lazer wielding pacmen who can 'zap' any negative thoughts about to enter your head.

When you get used to this, or even when you have a good moment or feeling stronger, you may even want to 'challenge' the destructive feelings to come into your head so that you can zap them away or gobble them up before they even get a foothold.

I hope it might help for you you to separate what goes on in your head as sometimes like a bad video game, and not to be confused with your true reality.

Your true reality is that you are an amazing mum, a national team player, an adored wife and IRREPLACEABLE.

Do not let the negative, destructive illness destroy you and please build up your little army in your mind to help fight your battles with you.

x

Good morning, MadeUp! I'm sorry you had a worrying experience last night. Do make sure to tell someone in rl like your DH if you feel you're brushing up against paranoia or delusional thoughts, let that someone be your anchor in reality. Then you can check in with them as it's happening, even by just a look or a signal, and it can take some of the edge off the fear and isolation which feeds and helps perpetuate those thoughs. Isolation is awful when you're struggling, and I was so glad to see that you describe your team mates as your friends. Trust can be tricky at the best of times, and where mh is concerned it can feel trickier still sadly, though it shouldn't have to. I wonder if you can think of someone in each of the areas of your life where you regularly spend time; at home, at work and at training for instance, whom you can take into your confidence, at least a little bit, and ask them to be a discrete "buddy" to you? Nobody else needs to know. You don't even need to go into your whole history unless that would feel OK, just explain that you've been feeling very low and are having disturbing thoughts. Just having someone whose eye you can catch across the room, or who can come for a break with you and just sit, or nip outside for two minutes to breathe some fresh air, or whatever, can be such a comfort and can help rein in the racing mind. I'm sure most people would feel honoured and touched that you think highly enough of them to confide in them. DP did this to some extent and found it was a great help. Your poor, poor mind is exhausted and is in overdrive. Like a super little assistant it's working so hard, all day, every day and often through the night in your case, at ensuring all your MadeUp jobs, mummy jobs, life-partner jobs, colleague jobs and sports-woman jobs all get done to your high standard, so so hard, and with some extra challenges thrown in, such as a vigorous exercise regime, not quite enough energy input and certainly not enough rest. I picture my tired, overwhelmed mind, worn out by helping me all day, like a little rain-sodden, wrung out, floppy kitten which just needs to curl up somewhere warm and rest in order to pick up and function properly. I "put it to bed" which helps me "park" all the thoughts and plans and projects for a while. On another note (back on phone again, so 'scuse lack of paragraphs), I am so concerned about your cpn going on holiday without arranging crisis cover for you. But I also wonder if it could be an opening, if perhaps you pressed for it, got someone else to cover the visit she would be missing and used that opportunity to flag up just how crap things are, to a new pair of ears, as it were? Perhaps her stand-in could see ways for you to access help that your regular cpn isn't seeing? I hope your day is OK, I'll check in later xx

This page fills me with hope for the goodness in people: There are so many wonderful people here, Madeup included. As Wildflowers said, you are doing awesomely. Today I am proud to be a woman.

I have very little to offer here in terms of knowledge about mh issues, but I will stand here with my ears open for as long as you want me.xxx

Just checking in my flower.
Am incredibly proud of you for holding things together. Hold tight during the funeral tomorrow, they can be such surreal events.

Is it worth exploring a specialist counsellor to try and unravel what you told us way up thread? I think you're strong enough to unburden yourself, and by God you deserve that.

Hello lovely

I'm sorry I haven't posted much lately, but I wanted to make sure you knew I was still with you, I haven't forgotten about you. I know this sounds strange to say about someone I have never met but I am SO proud of you.

I wish I had half your energy!

You are doing brilliantly one minute, one hour, one day at time you are getting through and I'm glad to see sometimes its been better. Please try to cling to that.

You are pretty amazing xx

After a very emotional day at the funeral, i cant tell you what it means to come here to such generous posts.

It was hard seeing my darling husband carrying the coffin and openly very upset but i was so proud of him and honoured to be part of his loving family. I could not have wished for better in-laws. I hope that i can bring my children up the way my mother in law has done so selflessly with hers.

Today, although upsetting, has given my head a break from me and the internal struggle. It was a big enough distraction from hating myself and i am hopeful i will go to bed less distressed tonight.

I find the kind words about me impossible to accept but it makes me smile to think of you strangers who are such good people and through your words online alone have become my friends.

Sorry i haven't answered any of your questions or suggestions, my phone is making this hard work!

Madeup, you are much stronger than you think.
And we can all see it, even if you can't right now. Keep your chin up.

Madeup: I hope you slept.
Although I haven't posted for a while I think about you everyday.

You are a wonderful, kind loving person.

Jugofwildflowers has done a good job of listing your achievements.
The pacman idea is very good.

I hope you have a good weekend. I'll be back here next week.

We are all willing you on.
x

Had a tough night, my little doll just wanted to be on the boob all night. Ended up sleeping in so dashed to work with no shower etc urgh!! Feel rotten now.

I think i probably need to talk about all the shitty things that have happened in my past but i cant imagine a situation where that would feel ok. Its so complicated, i don't want to hurt my mum and dad and if they found out what happened they would be crushed.

I don't really feel strong enough to cope with opening that box at the moment. My cpn has asked someone from her team to phone and check i am ok which is something i suppose.

I have managed to eat this week so my husband is less worried. He said i don't look so worryingly thin which in my head means i look fat. I'm trying not to dwell on it.

Had a really productive morning at work today, feeling a bit brighter so going to try and hang on to it and enjoy this weekend. Hope you all have a good one. X

Madeup, nothing worse that missing a shower! Gah! I've had to make do with a scrub at the sink before spraying my hair with dried shampoo stuff. Uuurgh!

Remember Madeup (and I apolo

Can't use this phone!

I really don't want to sound like a know all but you need your strength for you to perform at your best.

This is not about being BIGGER, it's about being stronger. You're an athlete and a hard training one at that.

Dearest madeup, I was 58 yesterday (!!) & I think that makes me old enough to be your mum. So I'm going to stick my neck out & say what I would say to my DDs in your situation.

You are training all week, playing sport at top level at the weekend, and your wee dolly is loving her midnight feasts. There is absolutely no way you could put on one ounce of fat. Please try to remember the time when you enjoyed eating something without feeling bad about it. And try to allow yourself to do it again, just a wee bit.

I agree, you do need to talk about all the shitty stuff to make it go away. At the right time, in the right place. When you feel ready. It will be painful (I know complicated, believe me) but it will free you from so much heartache if you can do it.

I understand you want to protect your parents, but they might surprise you. You might just find that (if they do need to know at all, which is not a given) they can take on more than you think, in order to help their daughter move on. We all want to give whatever we can to protect and support our children. And - most importantly - it can help you in turn as a mother to provide the best possible environment for your DCs to grow and thrive.

You, and your DP and his family have all had an emotional week. Have a good weekend xx

Happy Birthday redballoons!

I second everything that the wise birthday girl says.

Take care this weekend. You know where we are if you need us. We are all here, holding you.

Hi madeup,
I'm sorry I haven't posted for a while but just dropping in to say that I am also thinking of you every day - I am sorry for your loss, and for the sadness your dh's family is going through. I hope you have had a good weekend and still feeling more positive.
Xx

I'm so sorry dear mumsnet friends, i just want this intolerable pain to end. It may be selfish but i cant bare to be in my own skin anymore. I am so alone, i am too toxic to love or be loved. I'm ashamed of my past and frightened of my future. I just need to escape, i will always be a disappointment to myself but i want my babies to be free from that. I cant think of any sensible plan of how to help myself, with my cpn away i think its a sign that now is the time.

No, stop! Please stop. Please do not do anything now which will be irreversible. You are an amazing woman who is suffering through immense pain. Your children will not be "free" if you decide to end your life, on the contrary, they will be forever burdened by the guilt and sadness of their loss. And as someone said further up, and I know it made an impression on you, you leave the gate open. While you are alive, you are the angel watching over them. Please. Posting now, although there is so much I need to say to you, but it'll take too long. I need you to see you are not alone here.

Your cpn being away is NOT a sign of anything, although I can see how you might arrive at that conclusion. Please go to A & E or call your crisis team. Call your DP, or go to him if he is near. Go and lie down next to your DCs, anything to anchor you here with us in life. Write here, tell us what it is that has made you feel this desperate tonight?

And you are not too toxic to be loved, your children and your DH love you. You are not too toxic to love, your love for your children is so evident, it was my very first impression of you when I first made your acquaintance here, and I urged you to take refuge in that love. Do it now, rest there again.

My dear, I really am not sure how to be most effective in this situation, and I am so desperate to reach you somehow. I hope you won't hate me if I report my own post to MNHQ in order to at least alert someone else to this. I am hoping you have gone out for a run and will come back in a bit to check the thread and will find my frantic postings and perhaps smile a little and tell me to go and brush my teeth?