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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
Sexynight · 08/02/2014 11:17

I am here.x

skyninja · 08/02/2014 14:38

That is a very good point takeitaway, sleep deprivation is a method of torture and for good reason.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 08/02/2014 17:45

Fallen asleep in the cinema this afternoon.....so embarrassing! I just could not keep my eyes open. I would love to run away and just sleep for a whole week.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 08/02/2014 17:58

I often fall asleep at the cinema madeup Blush

I'm still here, and willing you on.

Sexynight · 08/02/2014 19:02

God yeah, I make a point of having a sneaky nap at the cinema! Love it!

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 08/02/2014 23:22

Distress feels beyond tolerance tonight. Thinking of cutting up. Haven't done that in 5 years. Do not know how else to get this badness out.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 08/02/2014 23:31

I sleep all the time at the cinema.

Can you try something else rather than cutting, just because it isn't the safest and can risk infection. How are you with things like scrubbing out the kitchen or bathroom, it's also useful to have done. I don't mean to sound dismissive at all btw, I hate housework and I punish myself by making myself scrub things, knowing theres the added satisfaction of it needing done.

100redballoons · 09/02/2014 00:15

Is it any good mentioning the alternatives to cutting that are recommended? You know, like holding ice cubes, or pinging an elastic band on your wrist. It may be enough to take the edge off the desire to cut. Once you start cutting again it can be tough to stop, can't it?

I'm sorry I can't stay online atm. Got flooded again last night & still clearing up, but am still thinking of you & sending good vibes. Hang on in there.

basia2 · 09/02/2014 03:14

As long as you're breathing, it's never too late.
20 years ago, I was working as a prostitute to support a heroin addiction.
Now I have a degree and am married to a wealthy and influential man, and have a new baby.
True, I still have some mental health issues, but believe me, it is never too late to turn your life around. You do not know how things will turn out. I assume you are still young. Never give up.
Life takes many twists and turns, and your story is not over yet.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 09/02/2014 17:45

Win today, makes things feel much brighter. Kids being adorable too. Managed to reign in the sh last night.

Having read the terribly sad thread about the suicide of a woman the same age as me who was brave enough to ask for help, i am going to try again tomorrow to explain to my cpn that i cant keep this going. I want some help.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 09/02/2014 18:17

Love hearing you after a better day...small steps my love.xxx

(T'is me, sexnight....what do you think of my new name?)

peacefuleasyfeeling · 09/02/2014 20:15

(whispers) Nice new name, Dakota!
Congratulations on your win! Hurrah! And well done for checking the urge to sh, it can be so overwhelming.
For what it's worth I fall asleep doing something or other most nights, if I'm in any kind of position that will permit it; reading, knitting, marking... going to the cinema though I can't even begin to imagine it as haven't been out for an evening since DD1, aged 3 3/4, was born... would be totally ridiculous Grin.
I will be sending you positive thoughts for your meeting with your cpn tomorrow, I think this is so key for accessing the help which I'm sure is there. And if she seems reluctant, try passing it back to her anyway, don't let her leave you feeling "written off"; ask her where / who you need to turn to next if the service she represents is not able to support you. Get her to sign post you to someone who can help. I do wish you so well with tomorrow's meeting and am going to try to imagine a really great outcome where you feel relieved and hopeful, in the hope that it might manifest for you (a bit of hippy hocus pocus, perhaps, but it can't hurt).
I hope you get some rest tonight xx

WelshMoth · 09/02/2014 20:53

Congrats on the win Madeup. Glad to hear that this gawd awful wind didn't spoilt your match...

As great as your CPN has been in the past, and she sounds like she has been a rock for you, do you think it's time you had another cpn?

Hope your DH and family are ok. How are they bearing up with things (re the loss of your elderly relative).

peacefuleasyfeeling · 10/02/2014 22:36

Hi there,
I hope it went well today xx

peacefuleasyfeeling · 11/02/2014 08:26

Just saying good morning and hoping you have had some rest.

jesy · 11/02/2014 09:24

Well I don't know you but I for one will always listen , I haven't been through what you have and I won't go into what I have but you have children they need you you love them so keep going.
It will sound daft but about 4 years ago I wanted to die .on impulse I bought a puppy ( guess what yes a baby substitute) for weeks I regretted thought about taking her to dogs home but one night she was poorly and I looked at her and thought yes something does need me does love me and she keeps me going.
Your kids need you and we are hear to listen x

peacefuleasyfeeling · 11/02/2014 20:28

Good evening, MadeUp. I'm just checking in to see if you've been here. I'm going to be working on the computer this evening, wrestling with some translation work, so I'll keep popping in, in case you show up. It would be nice to hear how you're getting on if you feel like talking.

DakotaFanny · 11/02/2014 20:47

Let us know how it's going chick.xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 12/02/2014 08:28

I'm really struggling. Don't know what else to say.

OP posts:
100redballoons · 12/02/2014 08:36

So glad you've spoken again Madeup. Wasn't able to come online for a couple of days but I've been thinking of you.

Have you had an opportunity to tell your cpn that maybe it's time for a change to somebody new?

Holding your hand xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 12/02/2014 09:56

I am so stuck. I feel like i cant keep going but the days and weeks are passing by so maybe i can keep enduring this. I don't think i have the courage to end it. I am too weak and pathetic.

OP posts:
100redballoons · 12/02/2014 13:44

You started this thread on 14 Jan. And you're still here. That's almost one whole month you've got through. Twenty nine mornings you've dragged yourself out of bed, when you didn't think you could!

That's what takes the courage, not ending it. One thing that has shone through your posts is your enduring courage. I have seen nothing weak & pathetic in you, and I bet nobody in RL ever does either.

Just keep struggling on, one day at a time. Head down, teeth gritted, you've not reached the finish line yet. And we're still here, cheering you on from the sidelines.

DakotaFanny · 12/02/2014 17:00

Exactly what balloons said. You're mega. X

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 12/02/2014 17:34

Thank you. Feels like I am limping through treacle but having the support here is helping to drag me through. My cpn is going on holiday so have two weeks now with no support. Am scared how i will manage this. Funeral in the morning too.

OP posts:
DakotaFanny · 12/02/2014 18:24

Can she not arrange a short term replacement? Surely she knows how important it is to you? In the meantime, we can be your sounding board whenever you need us.x