Active discussions

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Mental health

Mumsnet hasn't checked the qualifications of anyone posting here. If you have medical concerns, please seek medical attention.

See all MNHQ comments on this thread

Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 04/02/2014 22:24

Hiya madeup.

I wanted you to know that although I haven't posted much for the last few days I am still here with you. I have been reading everything you post and like someone else said up there, I'm pleased every time I see you are still with us.

I haven't really known what I could say that might help for the last few days.

Your cpn. Just like in any other job, there are people who are better at it than others, and there are people who you personally gel with and people you don't.

I really really really think it would be worth going back to your GP and explaining that what is happening at your appointments is not helping you. Sometimes it sounds like another thing you have to do which is sapping more out of you. It shouldn't be like that.

RhondaJean · 04/02/2014 22:26

And you deserve as much help as you need to get you through this and get you better.

Do you know anything about WRAPs? I don't know a lot, but it strikes me as something you might find useful because it's some you do, something proactive, and you are a doer and a sorter.

100redballoons · 04/02/2014 23:43

If your meetings with the cpn make you feel that you've been given all the help you deserve, then it sounds like it is time for a change.

When I was feeling the way you are at the moment, a new person with a new perspective provided me with the little spark of hope I needed.

Please do go and see your GP again. And listen to Rhonda's wise words.

paxtecum · 05/02/2014 07:11

Madeup: We are willing you better.

I've just googled WRAPS and found lots of food!
Then googled WRAPS Mental Health and found it.

Best wishes for a better day.

x

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 05/02/2014 18:22

Elderly relative died today. Lots of emotion flying around. Will try to look up wraps later, thank you x

OP posts:
Sexnight · 05/02/2014 18:51

So sorry to hear that. Hope you are (all) okay.xxx

RhondaJean · 05/02/2014 19:50

So sorry for your loss x

WelshMoth · 05/02/2014 20:44

Madeup, am still here, willing you on.
I'm so sorry for your loss.
Flowers

paxtecum · 05/02/2014 21:14

Madeup: Hope everyone is ok.
They will feel better tomorrow.

Sleep well.

x

100redballoons · 05/02/2014 22:09

so sorry for your loss madeup Thanks

peacefuleasyfeeling · 05/02/2014 22:58

Good evening again, MadeUp. We've been sick over our way and are just about coming around again now, so I'm back here, catching up with how you're doing. I am very sorry for your loss, and hope you are all finding your way through.
Something definitely isn't right with how your cpn is not relating to you, it really isn't and it is making me feel so uneasy. You absolutely deserve someone to listen to you, take a keen and sincere interest in you as a human being, a woman, a mother, to fight your corner, to bust a gut trying to fix something up for you, to leave no stone unturned in searching for appropriate support and treatment options to help you. Fuck "if you are going to kill yourself, you'll find a way of doing it" or whatever, just fuck it; what about you just should not have to have to feel like killing yourself and her job is to help alleviate your suffering. This woman is getting paid to HELP and to connect you with others who can. Please heed Rhonda and contact your GP to explain.
DD1 is waking up upstairs, so I'll duck out for now.
I hope you get some sleep tonight xx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 05/02/2014 23:23

Thank you everyone for your support. It is strange seeing my husband and his family grieving. It makes me wonder how i will feel when someone in my immediate family dies. I know i have parents who have done their best and given me and all my siblings every possible opportunity in life. They work hard in their professions, and are both good people in every meaning of the word but something is missing. I suppose its because i am so ashamed at how badly i have let them down. This death also makes me reflect upon how my family would respond to my death. I'm sure they would see me as selfish which hurts because i try hard in life not to be.

My cpn has been my care coordinator for ten years. She knows me better than my mum does and has literally saved my life on more than one occasion. At times she has seen me daily and even made herself available late at night and at weekends. She has gone above and beyond and i owe her a lot. However i think she is now a manager and shouldn't have a case load. I am her only patient but i think she has given up on me. She never normally would say this, if you are going to do it, you will do it. It feels harsh and unmanageable. I don't want suicidal thoughts 24 7, i don't want to despise myself. I don't even know who my gp is as i have been in secondary services so long. My cpn sorts out when i see the psychiatrist and she hasn't even suggested that. The only way to access more help at the moment will be to make a significant attempt on my life. I cant cope with another failed attempt. It is continue this struggle on my own and hope that at some point i will manage more food and sleep and start to feel better or plan once and for all a way out of this mess. My fail safe ideas are around a train and a bridge. Train is pretty much 100% but involves another person. Bridge is more like 95% but i do it alone. That is where my head is. Everything just whirrs round and round and round. I just wish i could articulate better how hellish this feels as i know people must think I'm a self absorbed, manipulative arsehole.

Aaaaarrrrgggghhhhhhh someone switch my head off!!!

OP posts:
clio51 · 05/02/2014 23:49

Madeup

My FIL was a train driver and his twin was too.
One day his twin had an suicide jumper in front off his train! And he was a total wreck after, he couldn't drive a train again lost all his confidence and had nightly nightmares of the episode. He left his job through sickness,

Please think about what you are thinking! The people you involve after and the trauma they have to deal with.

I know you are in a bad space, I to have been there and got through the other side of it. So can you.

peacefuleasyfeeling · 06/02/2014 04:18

Hm, perhaps I waded in a bit too far railing against your cpn, now that you've told me more about your history, yet I maintain that this really should not be "the end of the line" in terms of accessing help, and you shouldn't be made to feel as if it is, and that your only hope of getting help is being seen to be making an effort at ending it all. How twisted and cynical. You are self-assessing and telling her you need help, you should get it. It can't be right that she is your sole point of access to care, deciding everything on her own. It becomes a weird silo situation where nobody else has any input, and that isn't the best way for you to access the services that surely must be available. Had she some critical awareness, she would take responsibility for this short-coming in her practice and bring your case to supervision, which she should be having, and say "I feel like I don't know how to deal with this case at this point, can I discuss it, please?", and not make some kind of unilateral judgement about you having exhausted all avenues of help. Nope. DP's friend's is a director of mental health services for the trust where DP is originally from and although we don't talk much about his job, he will sometimes despair at the institutional "empathy deficit" affecting many of the managers running services, saying he wishes he could just sack anyone who doesn't deeply connect with the humanity of the service users and engages properly with the complexity of their lives and evidence this in their practice. I suppose I'm saying this because like Rhonda said, it could just be that your cpn isn't as effective as she could be anymore, and that there might well be other professionals who would approach you very differently and have a very different expectation of themselves and what they would wish to achieve in their role with regard to supporting you properly. Baby finally back to sleep, I'll see if I can go off again too...

SofiaAmes · 06/02/2014 05:34

madeuplovesong44 please try to be strong a little longer. I know that you don't know me, but please believe me that I know that science is figuring out more every day on how to treat depression and mood disorders. And at the pace they are going they will have real treatments that really work within the next 5 years. And I know that sounds like an eternity, but there are already solutions coming out in the next few months. If you aren't already, please try taking high doses of Vitamin D. No downside to it and there is a lot of evidence (and a paper coming out in the next few months) showing how much it can help. It's amazing how much they know already about what chemically is happening in the body when you get depressed, or other neurological issues.

TallGiraffe · 06/02/2014 18:47

I just wanted to say I'm still here, thinking of you. Been a frantic week chez Giraffe but I've been reading your posts even if not responding.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 06/02/2014 22:26

Bit better day today. Felt useful at work. Children have been especially lovely. 6am start tomorrow though with a full days work and a late evening match, i am so worn out, not sure how i will drag myself through. Oh poo and i am working Saturday. Urgh!

OP posts:
Sexynight · 06/02/2014 22:54

Xxx

(I don't like my name. If I change it will you recognise me??)

peacefuleasyfeeling · 06/02/2014 23:16

Good night, MadeUp, I hope you get some rest and can top up your reserves, ready for tomorrow.

100redballoons · 06/02/2014 23:31

Glad you had a better day - hang on to that thought tomorrow, when it gets tough.

Sexynight · 07/02/2014 22:03

Ca va, madeup?? (Multi-linguist, me!!) xx

100redballoons · 07/02/2014 23:04

Cunning, Sexy!!

Sending support & strength to help you thru work tomorrow madeup. Hope the customers behave Thanks

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 08/02/2014 08:18

Je suis triste et fatigue, mais ce qui est nouveau!

OP posts:
Sexynight · 08/02/2014 09:15

I thought that meant the day is new, but it obviously doesn't..... Sad

Is it comforting to know that other people feel tired and sad?? I don't know.

I really want to have magical words that will inspire you to suddenly turn a corner, but I don't have them. I'm sorry. All I do have is a promise of a million happy times with your wonderful family - this is true. Hold on to them and maybe demain sera meilleur.

Xxx

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 08/02/2014 11:00

Thank you sexy. Your words don't need to be magical, it is a real comfort that you are here helping me. I don't want to give up.

OP posts: