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Mental health

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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 03/02/2014 14:37

How are you doing Madeup? Xxx

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 03/02/2014 17:19

I feel it is unfair to post daily about how desperate things are. Horrible day but its nearly over.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 03/02/2014 17:52

I hope you will forgive me if this sounds rude, but I disagree. We are worried about you and, more importantly, we are here with our ears open and our cyber hugs at the ready. i am more than happy to listen to every day concerns...really. Please keep us updated and never, ever feel that your posts are unfair.

If we thought that, we could choose to not respond. We are here. Right next to you.xxxxxx

Sexnight · 03/02/2014 17:54

Ps; i have spent the day covered in 7 year old's vomit.... Not my finest. I will also be pleased when the day is done and dd is peaceful. Xx

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 03/02/2014 17:58

Thank you sex.

Was 90 mins late to work because i only got to sleep at 5am so slept in. After i dropped my little doll off i drove to the train station and willed myself to get on. I had no real plan but couldn't go through with it anyway.

Work was horrible, customers speaking to me like i am a piece of shit.

Had to make the time up at the end so cpn appt had to be cancelled.

I also have eaten like a greedy pig all day and the guilt is unbearable.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 03/02/2014 18:06

Are you able to tell us what kind of work you do? Did I read that you used to teach? I am a teacher- secondary. I get spoken to like a piece of shit every day

Bugger that cpn got cancelled. Is it not transferrable? All the more important, therefore, that you feel you can come here and chat. X

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 03/02/2014 18:15

Yeah i used to teach secondary science. I do what is supposed to be an admin job in a builders merchant but i end up involved in sales most days. The shit i put up with now is not too dissimilar i suppose.

sorry your day hasn't been great either. Hope your dd is ok. X

OP posts:

Sexnight · 03/02/2014 18:26

Ah, she'll be fine thanks.

Hope tomorrow is brighter for you too.xx

paxtecum · 03/02/2014 20:14

Madeup: Just reading about your life makes me feel exhausted, but then I am in receipt of a bus pass!

I hope you get some sleep tonight and tomorrow is better.

100redballoons · 03/02/2014 21:11

Like Sex said, it's not unfair at all. We wouldn't be here if we weren't concerned for you.

Madeup, do you mind if I ask, do you sleep badly because your DD is still BF, or do you think it's more to do with where your head is atm?

Am asking because when my DD1 was still BF & I was working full time & studying, she woke me a couple of times a night. I loved those night time feeds & special cuddles but looking back, I know they exhausted me more than I'd admit.

I would suggest very gently that maybe it would help to start winding up the BF, except that maybe it comforts you when your head is racing & keeping you awake anyway?

Do you know when you'll be able to see the cpn now? It's tough that you had to cancel, but I'll hold your hand while you're waiting, if it's any help.

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 03/02/2014 21:31

Thank you. I feel really alone with everything right now. Usually my mask is immaculate and no one sees my distress but i know i look unwell at the moment and can barely hold back the tears. Sadly still i am alone. Not sure who i expect to help? My hubby is tired too and we are ratty with each other. I need him so much.

I think i would beat myself up too much if i gave up bf and not sure i could sleep too well anyway.

CPN is coming Wednesday i hope.

OP posts:

TallGiraffe · 03/02/2014 22:57

If you have to give up bf for your own health and well being, you must not beat yourself up about it. Your baby has 8 months of love and nutrition and the best possible start.

Do you have any friends that you could have some you time with away from the demands of work, family and sport?

Please keep posting, I like it when you post. I find myself wondering (often at 3am when our son won't sleep) I wonder if you're up in another part of the uk doing the same thing. We care about you.

100redballoons · 03/02/2014 23:12

Is there someone in rl that you have turned to in the past, who might be able to offer some support now? Maybe it doesn't matter too much that your mask is not as immaculate as usual. Perhaps it's easier for people to appreciate your distress when they can see you are unwell.

I was going to say that they might expect less of you - but I suspect that nobody expects as much of you as you do yourself.

You got through all of last week, and you got through the weekend. Just one day and then it's Wednesday. I'll say hi again tomorrow.

Btw, we have one daffodil in bud in the garden today. Spring is on the way. It helps me to know the days are getting longer & brighter again. Hope it does you too.

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 08:50

Getting up for work feels harder each day.

I'm sorry to you all but i am going to opt out today.

OP posts:

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 09:25

I cant keep feeling like this and not do something about it.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 04/02/2014 09:30

What can we do to help? Anything. Anything at all.

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 09:39

I wish i knew and i would try and help myself.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 04/02/2014 18:26

Hi Madeup. How are you this evening? X

100redballoons · 04/02/2014 18:41

Hi Madeup, how are things going tonight? x

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 18:58

Still here ??

OP posts:

Sexnight · 04/02/2014 19:07

Good good! How's your day been? Did you make it to work? Any better?

I've spent day trying to de-bug house from daughter's illness and making the most of a day on the sofa with her. Lovely!

100redballoons · 04/02/2014 19:30

Good to hear from you madeup. Has cpn confirmed your appt tomorrow?

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 19:46

Not yet. I have told her as honestly as i can be how desperate I feel and what my intentions are. There is nothing she can do. She keeps saying if i really want to kill myself, i will do it.

OP posts:

Sexnight · 04/02/2014 19:55

Can your doctor not put you in touch with a counsellor /therapist?? Apologies if I've misunderstood the meaning of cpn. Just seems like you need a bit more than this (wo)man is giving you.

Original poster

madeuplovesong44 · 04/02/2014 22:11

She is my care coordinator so is responsible for arranging any treatment i need.

I have been given all the help i deserve. I don't think there are any more options.

OP posts:

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