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Original poster

There is no way out for me now.

770 replies

madeuplovesong44 · 14/01/2014 19:25

I've been around the mh block so to speak....bipolar, eating disorder, personality disorder, pnd, suicide attempts, sectioning, hospital stays months at a time, drugs, mother and baby unit, CBT, dbt, arrests, cognitive analytical therapy, sexual abuse, benzo addiction, ruined degree, ruined careers etc etc

I always thought I would get better but now all that can be done to help, has been done. I'm broken and damaged beyond repair. I'm so tired of this existence, I am a disgrace to my wonderful children. I dream of death and escape and that some angel will protect my babies. How has so much promise become such despair.

OP posts:
TheGashlycrumbTinies · 01/02/2014 08:36

Just read yesterdays post madeup, I'm sitting here with a huge smile on my face Grin

Have a great weekend with your family Flowers

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 01/02/2014 08:47

Well night definitely came, i saw it got dark, not sure anyone could call it a nights sleep though! Need a knew word as tired is not cutting it!

There is a Scottish indie band called the reindeer section that have a song called 'you are my joy.' I am going to try and keep that and mu babies in mind this weekend. I am hoping to do something nice with them this afternoon.

To try and answer some questions from earlier, i was diagnosed bipolar at 20 and have had it confirmed after several hospitalisations for mania. I have much later been diagnosed with a personality disorder and i agree it is the horrible symptoms of this that plague me now. I have had CBT, DBT and cognitive analytical therapy. All have taught me a great deal but done very little to help me overcome my deep self loathing which i suppose is the root of this. If i am honest though, i have never spoken overtly to anyone about the sexual abuse i have experienced and i know from textbooks that this has probably had a significant influence on my sense of self.

I have always had a difficult relationship with medication but the combination of depakote and quetiapine seem to agree with me. It is controlling the bipolar symptoms quite well and as anti depressants make me crazy, I'm not sure my psych would do anything else for me.

My husband has tried to help with all sorts of things to improve my sleep including meditation. I find it so hard to be still and relax, all most like my body plays out what is going on in my head.

I try to do two hours of cardio a day. I have always been fit but also play a team sport at top domestic level which demands me to be fit. I haven't mentioned it because although it is a huge release for me at the moment it is caught up in my disordered eating and just adds another pressure on my time.

My husbands ill relative is sadly still very ill but perhaps more sadly is clinging on. I think it is awful for her being stick in hospital for so long just waiting for the inevitable to happen.

Wow that was long and self-indulgent. Just didn't want your questions unanswered when you are all so kind in helping me.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 01/02/2014 14:40

Not self indulgent - not at all.

It's good to get to know 'you' a bit better. I think, and I say this very much as a non-professional, that there are still avenues open to you. The fact that you admit to not having discussed some aspects of your life speaks volumes.

There is so much of your suffering that's not been recognised as contributing to your health overall. I think, that whenyou are ready, this has to be faced.

Does your DH know?

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 01/02/2014 15:56

My dh knows a little of what happened to me growing up. When we met i was already under the cmht and telling him was hard but acted as a neat explanation to why i was mad!

He does not know what has happened to me as an inpatient. I was too ashamed to tell him.

I'm so tired today, i am finding the kids hard work on my own.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 01/02/2014 17:00

Weather being absolute shite doesn't help.

When my 3 were younger, filling pots and pans with dried pasta and rice, giving them a spoon, and letting them 'cook' wiled away some time.

Madeup, it strikes me that you have so much weight on your shoulders and no one seems to have gotten to the bottom if things. Almost as if you are being treated for your MH, which is in itself a mountain to climb, but the root of so much of your suffering is simmering away under the surface.

I know that (and I say this as gently as I can) keeping you alive has been the priority, especially given the efforts you have made Sad, but it's almost like the other factors you have for feeling this desperate aren't being given any attention.

God. Sorry. Maybe I'm making no sense. I just know that I want to help and I'm raging that these things have happened to someone with such beauty and love inside.

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 17:30

Hiya madeup.

Don't think your post was at all self indulgent. Sometimes it's just good to talk a bit about yourself. I'm going to look up the reindeer section, I'm an aging Scottish indie kid myself.

I have another suggestion for you. There are quite often local organisations which offer support to survivors of childhood sexual abuse. They are completely confidential and may be a route you could look too, because in my (completely not a health care professional) opinion, you need to try to deal with what's happened in the past in order to begin putting yourself back together.

However you are doing so well, in such difficult circumstances! I just knew you were a highly driven person, very critical of yourself, but wow look at you playing sports at such a high level, managing work, babies, marriage, and dealing ?ith all this as well. I hope there's s little bit of you inside that can realise how bloody we'll you are doing.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 01/02/2014 22:49

I am an ugly person in every way you can think of, there is no beauty or love within. I'm so tired of this rollercoaster of emotions. I feel like absolute shit again tonight. Baby has already woken twice since 9. I don't have much patience left. Would let her cry but she will wake my son. Thoughts are quickly spinning out of control in desperation. Need a way out. Need to hurt.

OP posts:
TallGiraffe · 01/02/2014 22:55

Wow there. Stop.

You are allowed to be tired after a whole day with the children. So am I. You are allowed to be frustrated with a baby that doesn't sleep. So am I.

This doesn't mean you're slipping over the edge again. You've moved forward, you are expressing similar concerns to thousands of other parents all over te country. This doesn't make you bad or ugly. It makes you human.

I wish you and all other sleep deprived parents (myself selfishly included) some sleep.

Tomorrow is tomorrow.

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 22:57

Have you managed your cardio today?

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 01/02/2014 23:00

I cant take it, take myself anymore.

OP posts:
TallGiraffe · 01/02/2014 23:01

I also wanted to add, from memory you do 2 hours of cardio a day, compete at a national level sport, have a job, look after 2 children (and a husband), run a quidsquillion miles a week, as well as dealing with a serious illness.

I think you are incredible

RhondaJean · 01/02/2014 23:04

Me too tall.

WelshMoth · 01/02/2014 23:23

You're not Superwoman, madeup. Yet you function at such a high level, at such an intensity.

It's no wonder that you're exhausted.

Can your DH take DD for a while, providing that she's fed? Have you tried lying down with her?

Tell me what youre doing. Can you tell me what sport you take part in? I am truly interested.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/02/2014 04:24

I would love to talk about my sport but it would truly out me if i haven't done so already. It involves travelling around the country each weekend so is a fair commitment. Big game today, cant see me being too successful after this week. I am laid with her now in my bed but she still will not sleep. Don't know what to do.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 02/02/2014 07:45

Madeup, I hope you got some sleep.
My DD's tend to sleep through now, apart from the ocassional night that sees them trotting across the landing to get into my bed. The early morning hours can seem particularly hard to bear too - there's something quite flat about being awake at that time. We're all lost to our own thoughts.

Sorry for pushing for info - don't mean to expose you. I won't mention it again. Good luck today though and try not to question your resolve. I think what this thread has shown us all is the incredible reserves you have, and the limits that you push yourself too. That's dedication.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/02/2014 10:25

Morning.

The darkness seemed to sit on my chest through the night, making it too hard to breathe. I thought of hanging myself in the garage but i knew the baby would wake the house if i put her down. I have found my passport this morning and am thinking of how i might escape. I really need someone to take control of things.

OP posts:
Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/02/2014 10:32

Got this game to get through first and welsh, thank you, your words about my reserves will help. I will try and put everything out there for my team today.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 02/02/2014 10:56

And for yourself, madeup.
Don't forget that.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/02/2014 16:27

We lost, and i was taken off to the bench after ten minutes. It was deserved, i was shit. My family were there to watch and even worse my cpn happened to be there. Felt such a failure Made a total fool of myself sobbing in the changing rooms afterwards. It all just feels too much.

OP posts:
WelshMoth · 02/02/2014 18:00

Madeup Sad.
I'm so sorry.

Team sport, remember. Even if you were taken off, there are others in your team. You were not solely responsible for the loss today.

RhondaJean · 02/02/2014 18:04

You know what, I had a rubbish day at the gym as well, to the point I just lay face down on the mat at the end cos I was done.

Better next time?

WelshMoth · 02/02/2014 18:08

And as for sobbing in the changing room afterwards, what's wrong with that? You play a high intensity sport, a team sport at that. That isn't without its emotions so I bet ALL your teammates understood. I've grown up in a village and grown up with boys who did well at national and international team sports and watched them sob after losses. You don't dedicate that much of your life and time without caring.

Please, and I don't say this casually, don't be so hard on yourself.

Original poster
madeuplovesong44 · 02/02/2014 19:41

In on my own with the kids again as my husband is at the hospital, not sure his relative will make it through the night.

My little ones are being good as gold but this is too hard, i cant cope with them, with life. There is just no respite in my head.

OP posts:
RhondaJean · 02/02/2014 19:58

I've been cooking like a maniac, lots and lots of soups for the freezer.

When do you next have an appointment with your cpn or anyone else?

Did you think about my suggestion of speaking to your GP?

I am so sorry about your husbands relative, that alone is a huge strain on a family. I hope the end comes quickly now and peacefully.

100redballoons · 02/02/2014 22:38

I was criticised a lot as a child, which has made me scared of doing anything for fear of failure. Conversely, my partner was taught to see it as a necessary step on the path to success. Like you, he is a high achiever despite his MH problems.

I'm still learning that sometimes we do things and we fail. But that doesn't make us failures. You had a bad match today, but you are not a failure.

So sorry to hear about DH's relative, I hope the end comes peacefully.

Hope too that you manage to get some sleep tonight. ((madeup))