Moving forward day by day [crisis team part two ]

[bassetfeet]

Hi Fluffy just calling in to wish you a lovely peaceful sleep x

I felt like there was a lot of blame with the personality disorder, that it was dismissed as behaviour rather than illness. There were assumptions made about being manipulative or attention seeking. Lots of focus on making the right choice and taking control of things.

I noticed that people were much less harsh with me when I was psychotic, I felt there was more of a belief that I was ill and it was not my fault.

That said, in general I felt the hospital made huge efforts to get to know me and give me the right treatment and there was a desire to treat people with a PD in a more sympathetic way and as they got to know me my care improved.

I forgot to add this.

I got sent home from DBT today because I am not very well and couldn't talk for coughing but I feel so guilty because I went for a hair cut before DBT started and was fine for that. I just feel like I should have braved it out, but the staff insisted I go home and recover.

I hope you feel better soon fluffy

This is just a silly rant.

In 2012 I had got it into my head that I wanted to break my hand and I did some horrible things to try to do that. As a result I have some nerve damage to one of my fingers and I HATE HATE HATE it. I am so fucking stupid. Most of the time I forget about it and then sometimes I look at my hand and remember and hate myself.

Oh fluffy You can't change the past...

I feel like I should be happy today but instead I feel like shit. Sometimes I wonder if I will survive all of this.

I am trying so so hard to recover and most days I think I do a good job but not today. Today I just feel tired and self harmy.

Thanks for such a thoughtful post Lara

I have quite a lot of self harm scars. Like you I don't see them of signs of survival they just are. I wish they weren't there but they are and I have to live with that.

I have never really covered up my arms, I wasn't doing too much damage when I cut my arms so the scars have faded much more. I have burn scars around my wrist which bug me but I try not to think about.
I hate hate my thighs but when I went on holiday last year I braved sitting by the pool in my swimwear and I have been swimming in the UK without covering them up.

I suppose I feel like self harm has held me back in so many ways, I don't want it to have an impact on my wardrobe.

It is a feeling of sadness though isn't it? So sad that I have done so much damage to my body.

I had a horrid fight with DH about things and today I just feel like shit. We made up so it is all ok but I hate what my MH does to us.

(((( fluffy )))) That can't have helped.

I am going to put this down because it is haunting me.

I am so worried that because I am not self harming they (MH team) will stop offering me help.

I have no reason to believe this and I am currently 6 weeks into year long DBT but I can't help but worry.

DH has been really harsh about SI this week and I am trying so hard not to, but sometimes I really really want to. I feel like it is what I deserve but I am trying so hard not to fuck everything up.

Maybe try to turn things around in your head, they'll continue to support you as they can see it's helping, so they won't discharge you. You haven't long been doing dbt so it's still early days x

I will ask my CPN when I see her next.

Had a nice meal out with some friends but now feel very low and meh, I keep thinking that just one cut would make things better but it won't.

Could you have a nice hot bath with some lovely bubblebath or essential oils so it smells nice then have a lovely hot chocolate and then snuggle up in bed with yr snuggly duvet and chill out with some music these teqneues are what i use there called self soothing techneques it helps distract you from self harming or suicide attempts.
Think of nice things things you like. Write or draw them.
You are doing really well xxx

Found this link.
sirius-project.org/2011/08/16/distractions-and-alternatives-to-self-harm/
Google distraction techniques to self harm.
I do a list of pros and cons too.
List all the positives to self harming and then the negatives
It will be clear that the negatives outway the positives.

Thanks for the distraction suggestions. I am quite good at distraction and self soothing, although I have to confess that I hate baths!

I find TV a good distraction and probably watch far too much of it.

I feel quite suicidal at the moment, trying to work through it.

oh (((( fluffy ))))

Thanks Snowy I hope you are doing ok.

My lovely DH took me out for an Indian tonight which is not very weight watchers friendly but has cheered me up :)

I suggested a bath as i self neglect when im really down and having a bath is part of my care plan and i do feel a lot better when iv had one so sugested it as it really does help me relax.

Im sorry your feeling suicide its horrible feeling like that try ringing the crisis team or go straight to A+E if you feel your going to attempt a suicide.

Hugs x

silvermirror I always suggest baths for other people, I think I am a bit weird for not liking them.

I suppose I am lucky in that my MH issues don't interfere with my personal care, I have OCD and I have quite set rituals about showering etc Even when I was in PICU last year I showered every day! Although in saying that I had to force myself this week to do things like I normally do - painting my nails and sorting out my eyebrows so I suppose when I feel low some things to slip.

I feel like it sounds like I am poo-pooing all of your helpful suggestions, I hope it doesn't come across like that!

I feel like shit today.

Trying to distract and take it an hour at a time.

(((( fluffy ))))

You can do it