Moving forward day by day [crisis team part two ]

[bassetfeet]

Hi Fluffy just calling in to wish you a lovely peaceful sleep x

[fluffydressinggown]

I think your post is very insightful Lara thanks. I agree that because I am alive/not chopping great big holes in myself everyone is happy even if I am not. I am trying so so hard not to self harm to prove a point because that is cutting my nose off to spite my face.

I think part of it is my fear of being sectioned, like if I say the wrong thing they will section me and that is scary. I know I am lucky because I have a lot of support but then I put pressure on myself to get better RIGHT NOW because I have such a good care package.

[kizzie]

Hi Freezingfingers didnt want your post to go unanswered. Dont apologise for posting !
If you ever want specific advice with anything start a new thread so that more people see it.
There are also a few long running threads in the 'mental health' section that people drop in and out of. People are always friendly and helpful.
Take care.

[kizzie]

Oh do ignore me - I was reading the wrong page !!!!

Anyway I had just popped in to say hello fluffy

[fluffydressinggown]

I feel really crappy this evening, not sure why, just feel very low.

[SnowyMouse]

(((( fluffy )))) Can you do anything to distract yourself?

[NanaNina]

Hello Fluffy and Snowy - sorry to hear that you are both feeling crappy - same here. I can't remember a time of feeling so awful for so long. My CPN is coming tomorrow and has asked the psychiatrist if he thinks lithium would help. I know depression is not as complicated as the illnesses that you both suffer, but I know the torment of mental illness.

Snowy I felt tearful when you said what your voices were telling you. Damn and blast those sodding voices.....and fluffy you are so brave and I know exactly what you mean because you have a good support package, and I do too, a lovely CPN and I've re-started therapy with a therapist who I really connect with (she's been on maternity leave) on the NHS, and so I feel bad about not getting better. I just cried all through my session today and I felt I'd just wasted her time.

A very thought provoking post Lara

[fluffydressinggown]

Hi nananina I am so glad you have a therapist you can talk to, and of course you are not wasting her time.

My main problem Lara is that most of my bizarre thinking is related to God wanting me to kill myself. Oh I am such fun ;) Basically I get messages through people or through the TV/Radio/weather/what colour top someone is wearing... I appreciate though that it is a stretch to go from my husband wearing grey to believing that it is a sign from God himself to remind me to kill myself (this was the point at which I was sectioned, literally everything around me was a sign).

At the moment it is not that bad, I had a real muddly moment after DBT a few weeks back because I was unsure if it was someone talking to me as them self or if God was speaking through them. I maybe get a sign once or twice a week, but I just can't think them out to a rational conclusion. I can see logically that my thinking is unusual/unwell but at the same time it makes so much sense to me. I am managing it better because I am not suicidal and I am able to try to challenge the thoughts, I am certainly not lost inside them like I was last January.

I do speak to DH about it but it is so embarrassing. What does your husband do when he thinks you are becoming unwell?

Sorry I have totally waffled on.

[fluffydressinggown]

I feel really muddled at the moment.

A big part of me is very recovery focused, I have two holidays booked, I am doing Weight Watchers to try and get healthier, my CPN says I am engaging much better, I am doing DBT etc.

But another part of me is still focused on self harm and feeling crap (well not that I am wanting to feel crap, just I do feel crap which leads to self destructive behaviour.

I wish I could have a month to get all of the unwell feelings out of my system, and do lots of self harm, but I know that is not the right thing and it won't help me get better.

[fluffydressinggown]

Oh and Lara I can related to that tension that comes when you are unwell, I had never really thought about it as an imbalance of power but you are right. When I am very unwell I am just too chaotic to make decisions whereas DH is always pretty rational.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

fluffy your post about being muddled seems to me to show that you are actually becoming clearer. In a way, perhaps that makes it harder - knowing you have the crap side to deal with, and may do for some time to come.

Doing what you do to recover, despite feeling crap, is huge. I would send but you are doing WW, so a hug and a .

[fluffydressinggown]

Finding things hard today. Trying to stay in the moment.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

Colouring in be any good?

[fluffydressinggown]

That's a good idea. I have just had some crumpets (free on my Weight Watchers :)) and I'm watching rubbish TV to take my mind off things.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

I've got some crumpets at the moment - and they are Warburton's, and they were on offer :) Mmmm...had one for breakfast.

Would love to see more pix of your colouring, btw.

[fluffydressinggown]

I think we must both shop in Asda, I bought some £1 Warburton crumpets from there today.

Had quite a good 1:1 DBT session today.

I hope this is not too triggery but I really really want to do a decent cut on my leg, something not very nice, which is probably what I deserve. Not sure whether I will do it.

On the plus side I went swimming with DH tonight and I am seeing a friend tomorrow.

[TheSparklyPussycat]

No, you deserve crumpets.

Mine were 65p in the Co-op

[fluffydressinggown]

Well I haven't self harmed which is good. Had very very boring DBT today and then slobbed this afternoon.

I have booked a mini break with my Mum for March so trying to use that as a short term goal to get to.

[SnowyMouse]

Well done fluffy Sorry the DBT was boring.

[SnowyMouse]

How are you doing, fluffy ?

[fluffydressinggown]

Thanks for asking. I am ok, still fighting wanting to self harm but I have managed not to so far.

How are you?

[Messupmum]

Well done Fluffy, that's so good. Hope you're looking after yourself, you've done so well.

[SnowyMouse]

I'm glad you are ok, well done on all the challenging. I'm not doing great, ho hum. Seeing CPN each day.