Moving forward day by day [crisis team part two ]

[bassetfeet]

Hi Fluffy just calling in to wish you a lovely peaceful sleep x

[fluffydressinggown]

My interview went ok, I won't hear until next week. If I am honest I don't think I have got it :(

[SnowyMouse]

Hi fluffy Even going to the interview was good! I hope you hear positives, even if it's just feedback for next time.

[dearpip]

good luck fluffy with the course and interview, and it must be a relief not to s/h. (I'm usually coxspipin but had to re register).

[fluffydressinggown]

I got the job :) x

[SnowyMouse]

Yay! Go you!

[fluffydressinggown]

Thanks :)

[Sijeunessesavait]

Brilliant news - a new chapter unfolds. Well done, and good luck!

[mypip]

so pleased for you fluffy.

[blossommy]

Im a name changer but have been on / followed your thread for a long time fluffy. I am so so pleased for you

[fluffydressinggown]

Thanks, I am trying not to panic about it but it is so scary to be going back to work after 2.5 years off!

[SnowyMouse]

When do you start?

[fluffydressinggown]

I start on the 19th, so very soon!!

[SnowyMouse]

Good luck, are you having to buy new clothes too?

[fluffydressinggown]

I think I will need new clothes yes. I am still listing weight so don't want to get too much stuff because hopefully they will be too big for me soon!

I am having a huge wobble that I won't cope.i thought about buying some blades today but I didn't. Feel like I am not allowed to be poorly again.

[fluffydressinggown]

I am so scared of going back to work, on one level I am really happy to get things back on track but on another level I am finding it very very hard to let go of self harm and all that comes with that. That probably sounds ridiculous but for the past 2 years I have had so much support, and spent so much time in hospital that it is hard to imagine a future without it. I feel like self harm became such a part of my identity that in some ways I am scared to change.

Of course I do enjoy having a better quality of life now, I don't have to spend hours in A&E, I don't have to justify myself to crisis teams, I don't have to worry about getting sectioned. All such positive things so why am I so scared to get better?

Ahhh.

[SnowyMouse]

Hi fluffy Well done on not buying blades, that must have been very hard. I think it's normal to have such thoughts when you're going through big changes, and a job is a big change.

[dontrunwithscissors]

I can really understand the fear of fetting better. I'm told it is quite common. I think it's fear of the unknown--that you don't know whether you will stay well. I had got so used to being unwell. It's the constant uncertainly of whether it will be taken off me (looking over my shoulder for another episode). For a while, the fear of being struck down again robbed me of actually enjoying being well. If you're unwell, you're unwell. There's nothing to lose.

Sorry that's a bit rambling! I think just taking things a day at a time is the way forward.

[madeuplovesong44]

Your last post makes so much sense. You are bound to feel overwhelmed at the prospect of going back to work. I can remember the feelings so well. I too had spent a long time in hospital and a long time away from work and i was terrified. For me, i was so used to 'being ill' and i relied on the fact i had no expectations or responsibilities. I couldn't feel like a failure as i had nothing to fail at.

You have come such a long way though and you deserve to feel the benefits that employment brings. Can you maybe make a list of the positives that may come from the job and try to focus on that e.g. Wages, routine, feeling valuable and needed, meeting new people etc And what about putting a safeguard in your head, like ' i will give it two weeks and if it is too much or i hate it i will just walk away and nothing is lost.' I was so terrified at what might happen, that i couldn't cope ans would become suicidal again. Once i changed my thinking to i will just give it a go and i can leave if i want to, it felt safer.

I was scared that the support i had relied so heavily on would be withdrawn as going back to work meant i was better. That hasn't been the case at all as my cpn recognizes the ongoing stress of work means i need continued support. I imagine your team will still be there for you too.

Good luck though fluffy. You are amazingly courageous and deserve this opportunity. I will look forward to seeing how you get on. X

[Wipedoutmammy]

Hi fluffy and everyone else

I have read your whole thread about your journey with your mh issues this afternoon. I've been si for years and over the last year have had various suicide attempts. I want to say your journey has given me hope that I may just come out the other end of this nightmare. Thank you :) xx

[fluffydressinggown]

I am still stressing :( My DH has essays for university to do and I feel loads of pressure (from myself) to help him to make them perfect :(

My DH is being really nice and not asking for help but I feel like I should be able to help him.

I saw my CPN and my DBT 1:1 today and talked about the stuff I have been stressing over, but I don't feel better for it :(

Ughhh.

[fluffydressinggown]

I started my new job today and it went ok (I think) I am just training this week so it is pretty easy going, scared for the next week when I am actually doing the job.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Congratulations, fluffy
Try to focus on the present rather than worrying about the future. By the time next week comes along you will have much more experience of what you need to do. I hope the new environment is a happy one for you x

[fluffydressinggown]

Well I survived my first week. I am so tired but proud that I managed it. I have not had any strange thoughts or felt like self harming so that is positive. I have missed seeing my DBT 1:1 worker though, I still need that extra support I think.

I also have an appointment to get assessed for PIP which is a bit scary.

[Sijeunessesavait]

Hope you will enjoy the long weekend!

[SnowyMouse]

Good for you, fluffy!