Fighting the urge to self harm

[Khimaira]

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

You have every reason not to. What's your normal coping strategy? I've been there and it does get easier to resist the urge. I promise.

Can you talk to us for a bit? You are doing well to fight it. Maybe we can help you get some help.

Because you'd know and from what you've written, you'd feel like you would've let your DS down if you did.

Guilt is a terrible thing and even if they didn't notice it'd start eating at you, making you feel worse and leading to you wanting to harm again creating a cycle of guilt/harm.

Try to be strong and remember who you're being strong for. Talk to someone about your feelings; DH, doctor, a close friend. Just don't bottle this all up.

And here is one reason not to - YOU.

Whether DH and DC know or not, you will know, and you matter. And you don't really 'want' to do it I can tell.

I try and ignore it or I call my counsellor. I just don't feel I have the energy to fight it any more.

Can you call your counsellor?

You are stronger than you think.

It might help. I know it probably won't but it might. And that might is very appealing right now.

No. Can't call for another 2.5 weeks.

Do you have an emergency number? Or keep talking to people on here. Do something to distract yourself. My chosen activities are baking and running.
It will only make you feel better for a very short time, then you'll feel worse and I think you realise that. Keep as busy as you can today.

That's not true. I don't matter.

I would feel guilty. I promised my counsellor I would always call him first but he never said what to do if I couldn't contact him.

I already feel guilty for nearly doing it, I don't think that would make much difference to actually doing it.

No emergency number.

If possible try to not harm for you, as you matter. Many counsellors do not want to be called before someone self harms because sometime patients self harm as a way of getting extra help or contact which might be why most counsellors do not allow emergency contact. If you think you are at risk you could out of hours go to a and e, as a place of safety and ask for a psychiatric assessment for support? Phoning Samaritans out of hours can be helpful, the fact they are anonymous means self harm cannot become linked to the way of getting support. Not that I am suggesting you are, just saying why most counsellors do not allow 24 hr contact etc.

Do you have other taught coping strategies you could try using? Holding an ice cube, flicking an elastic band, doing something kind for you?

Khimaira I don't even know you and you matter to me. I'm so sorry that you are in a bad way, please call Samaritans or someone in 'real life'. You really do matter even if you think you don't.

No it's not that. He's away working in a place which basically has no contact - no phone or email - for another two and a bit weeks.

It's deadened a bit now, I've taken a shower and some painkillers (it's painful when I breathe but it's the wrong pain). I'll try the elastic band, thanks.

Got interrupted by a minor emergency. DD just fell off the bed and landed smack on her face so we've had a hug. She's now trying to wash her hair with her water bottle and some tissues.

That's the stupid thing. I'm not even in a bad way, just having an off day. I don't know why it hit me so hard this morning. I'm just being a self indulgent cow this morning. I need to pull myself together. I'm sorry.

Don't be sorry. Coming on here to talk about it was bloody sensible.

I know it's tempting sometimes and I know it's always possible to hide it. And the guilt argument didn't really work for me because then it did feel like I was denying myself something.

I used to cut because it was something I had control over. Now I have control over NOT cutting. If the urge comes on I recognise it for what it is, acknowledge it's there and then tell it to fuck off. And whatever else I might have messed up that day, I can feel good about myself for having control on that.

It doesn't feel very sensible. I have just forced myself to answer a request for a playdate this afternoon. So now I have to get the DC's out to do the weekend shop this morning and clean before they come over. (If DH will decide what we are going to do this weekend. I just had a call from his mum to tell me not to shop because she's invited us there. But if I have to shop it's much easier in the mornings with them so I'd rather do it now. And DH hasn't even told me we are invited there. Helpful!). I'd rather just ignore all contact with all the people I know and just stay at home but I know that's not fair on the DC's. I don't want to go out today, I just want to stay home. But I can't else well have no food for the weekend and DH will be angry. Andow I'm going to have to call DH and he's already pissed off with me today because he didn't sleep well last night, I think DD probably woke him.

Could you get some cupboard or freezer food for the weekend that will keep for another time if you go to his mum's?

I find it is good to get out of the house for a bit. Get some fresh air, spend a bit of time walking helps a huge amount.

Don't know about fresh air, some that smells of car exhaust maybe! I just called him at work and insisted he answer me now. We are going so I just need easy food for tonight, breakfast and craft stuff for the kids. That's all I can manage I think.

I originally started cutting as a way of forcing myself to do things that I knew I had to. I knew it was bad to do it so I told myself if I could cut myself then I could e.g. walk into a room with other people in it etc. then it progressed from there and I was dependent on it for several years. There you go, that's something I've never told anyone else before.

Well khimaira by sharing that you might have hekped a lot of other people understand what it is like, and how to help and support someone else they know who cuts (but can't talk about it). Thank you, there is a lot of misunderstanding about self harm.

Do you have a list of other distractions you can try, or things you can do instead of self harm?

Its hardly your fault that your husband didn't sleep well! You are right to just get the things you can manage. Sounds like you have a lot of frustrations on your plate at the minute.

It's always my fault he doesn't sleep well! If I don't get to the DC's before they wake him, if i move the duvet or if the wind rattles the doors etc etc I could go on forever. The whole saga of him not sleeping or being disturbed is quite frankly a * nightmare. He's just got himself a prescription for 50 more sleeping tablets and I hate having them in the house.

Shopping is done, DD is asleep (lucky for some, she can stay awake half the night and now sleep ) and now I need to clean the place and cook them lunch. I am being a bad mum and have given DS the iPad.