Fighting the urge to self harm

[Khimaira]

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

No one person, unless they are on charge of a whole University's faculty can stop someone from being thrown out and I am sure you know that .... Only those at University jobs can enrol people onto a course and ask them to leave - and that is only for failure to pay fees or failure to pass enough credits!! Or turn up for lectures etc.

Do you have one child aged 3 or over and if so you are entitled to state funding for 15 hours nursery type care once they are over 3 a it is the time they are three, so of Oct birthday the money is there from the January. There is also some free funding for 2 yr olds if income below a certain amount .

That decision was for our group leader (not a bachelors course) who had the final say. DS will be entitled to a place in next academic year.

Khimaira, LOTS of children have speech delay and behaviour issues. You aren't a shit mum. You are getting help for your DS. The stranger knows NOTHING of your life and they have nothing worth saying. And children often clamour for the attention of the parent that doesn't bother with them. They know they can rely 100% on their mummy, that means they can take you for granted and chase after daddy. (They may also be trying to please the moody wotsit.)

There is nothing that you say about your husband that makes me think well of him. Would you consider posting in relationships, or permit me to do that for you and link to this post?

Oh and - I never expected to live as long as I have. I know how disconcerting it can feel, to live a life you didn't expect to have. But there is Good Stuff in living there really is. [enormous hug]

pogo thanks for the offer! but please don't link this post. I'm not sure I can cope with that atm, it seems safer here and I'm feeling a bit fragile at the moment.

He is doing his best, I'm not an easy person to live with. There are times I find it so hard to do what I should and it frustrates him that I have no ambition or plan where I want to be in the future. I find it hard enough just to get from day to day, beyond that doesn't really feature in my thoughts. I'm dreading today, it's going to last forever, the weather is foul and I can already feel my brain is in major slow motion mode. I think the only thing I can do now to save my marriage is admit I'm having counselling and hand him the name and number of my counsellor. But I'm scared.

Right, I have thrown my thesis in the recycling where it clearly belongs. What a waste of five years. They should have given someone else my place. I can take the dr off my cv title. I don't know if I can remove it from the main part of my cv, how will I explain the gap?
Oh thank god DD is beginning to wake up. I can have a hug soon.

Well, it doesn't feel like I earned it. It is sitting on top of the recycling pile next to me at the moment. It feels fake. like I shouldn't have got it.

I don't have any plans for today. The weather is foul, the kids are watching tv. I have (TMI) got the heaviest day of my period today and its the only time DH doesn't mind me being miserable and useless. Although today its not as painful as usual, probably because I've been eating painkillers all week. Why is that? If you take painkillers before it starts, its less painful. I think DH is just grateful that I no longer throw up and pass out on him each month like I used to before I had the DC's! I even called him home from work once . I am looking for ideas of activities to do with the DC inside and then tonight we'll be watching strictly.

Didn't get much sleep last night and I didn't eat much dinner, not feeling very hungry at the moment but wine will be involved in lunch. I'd love to eat a bucket load of chocolate but I only have one bar, the DC will notice and want some and I don't want DH to know just how much crap I eat. I'll have a few freakishly healthy eating days in a couple of days though, always do after my period - guilt payback for all the junk I eat the rest of the time.

I don't know about the counsellor, he send me an email to say he should get back yesterday and he would want to have an extra long catch up session with me but he's not said when. I'm a little apprehensive. He knows I only have DC free twice a week so it will probably be then this week or next week. I don't know.

The kids would be better off with your H? The one who ignores them, moans about them and leaves them covered in vomit? That H? You're a million times better at parenting than he is.

Please don't bin the thesis. Whether you feel it or not, YOU did the work. You earned the title. As for him persuading the university to let you stay, can you honestly imagine any university (or employer for that matter) falling for that? I can't.

Why do you think you're unemployable?

Yes, that H. They love him. I just can't cope any more.
Why would he have said it though if it wasn't true? It's a bit of an empty title though isn't it. All I've done since then is be at home. I can't even get myself a job. DH says that I am unemployable. I have to agree, I have no ambition and no motivation for anything and there is not one reason I could think of why anyone would want to employ me.

I think ITCould is right.

Raising kids is HARD work and you're doing it with health problems, sleep deprivation, no access to your counsellor and an H who should be supporting and loving you but just seems to want to do you down. In my book that makes you bloody strong. From the posts you're articulate and intelligent and you've clearly got qualifications so you don't sound unemployable to me. You DO sound like you're exhausted and having a rotten time.

As for the kids loving H, they might like playing with him but I bet he's not the one they go to when they actually need something.

Empress and ItCould are spot on, you are doing a great job of raising two children, despite being unwell and married to someone critical, lazy, sexist and unsupportive.

You ARE employable! You are great at writing, planning, explaining, prioritising. All v important skills. And you are a bloody grafter!!

You mention 'admitting' that you are having counselling. Do you mean admitting to your husband? Whenever I have had counselling I've needed some support/understanding/space before/after each session. If you are not getting this it is even harder.

Sending much love x

I suppose that's true Empress. If they hurt themselves when he is there then DS always automatically calls for me (although he has got better recently) and DD will go to DH for a hug but only until she sees or hears me.

I have just spoken on the phone to my counsellor. He says that I am emotionally exhausted and he thinks its imperative he speaks to DH. So this evening I have to a)admit that I've been to counselling in the past b) admit that I am again and c)give DH the name and number to call. Scared doesn't even cover it. I have to do it today because I'm having that 3 day rush of energy and clarity that comes after a period! I know if I don't get things done now then I won't and I think DH can't take any more. He asked me what my plan for the next few years is, what do I want to do (job wise). I don't know. I can't answer any of his questions because I can barely get from one day to the next most of the time. I don't even plan for next week. The only plan I can come up with is I want to get as far as seeing the fireworks at New Year with DS and that's it. Then it's over, I want out. But I don't even know if I can get that far, I don't know if I can take another week like last week again.

So, I have spent most of the evening sick scared of telling DH and in the end I didn't manage to. He is talking to me again and I couldn't bring myself to tell him. It seems like such a huge step to take and I'm not courageous enough. Maybe tomorrow...

Get some sleep if you can. It won't make any difference whether you tell him tonight, or tomorrow. Maybe even write out a script or a list of things, like ItCould says, its an action plan for your recovery, your future. I am glad you are back in contact with your counsellor.

I'm glad too, and that's a good way to frame it. The counselling is a proactive way to deal with your issues and move forward.

I want to thank you all for posting and say that if I haven't answered anything specially then it's because it takes time for me to process things,, not that I'm ignoring you.
DH I'd annoyed with me this morning he says I am just flaunting the fact that I don't care enough to do anything for him. Because I didn't get up to make him breakfast. Should I be?
(It was cold. I was tired -DD had been up three times during the night, waking at 530 for the day so I was awake, but snuggled in bed with her passing me anything she could find and blowing my nose. When I realised he was having breakfast here, I got up and said I would get DD some so they could eat together). I have the feeling that when I do or when I offer to make his coffee, he says he can do it himself. But I don't know how much I exaggerate.

My counsellor at least doesn't seem worried I haven't said anything yet, he said to tell home when it feels right (I suppose when we have our next disagreement...), I've asked that I can see him rather than speak on the phone, but not had an appointment yet. Today is going to be a long day, taking DS back to playgroup. I think if he refuses to join in this time I won't go back.i find it so hard to go to groups like that, his behaviour makes it worse but I know I can't stay at home all the time, it's not fair on them.

And how many times has your husband been up with DC all night and then made you breakfast?

I hope you get a counselling session soon, but please don't think it is you that needs to be fixed.

What ITCould and Pogosticks said.

And it's not often you get such a complete consensus on MN!

I just join this forum today, and I find very good , and helpful.