Fighting the urge to self harm

[Khimaira]

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

Ok, I shall try and bear it in mind. I've not thought about it at all today, so I can think about it a bit more objectively again. I must say I'm not totally convinced because it seems easier to me to hide a few cuts than whole patches from a scrubbing brush which would surely be more obvious.

My chest is worse today and I took all my painkillers for the day at once this morning to try and cope with DS's gym session (didn't work, typically, so I've been in pain for the rest of the day too) but still can't bring myself to call the doctor and make an appointment. I don't know I have the energy to stave off the inevitable panic attack if I do have to go. On the other hand even breathing normally is even more painful today and I have to hold myself up on the wall if I have a coughing fit. Decisions decisions... I'll probably only get laughed at anyway if I do go and be told it's a cough, wait it out.

Really? But what is classified as neglect? Surely I would just be taking the doctors time from someone who does need it. How do I know if I need to see the doctor? I'm having difficulty coping with the pain, but then I'm just a wimp.

What exactly do you mean by self care? Surely for that there needs to be some part of you that is worth caring about?

Rest, with a 3 and a 1 year old?!? I've been re doing the bathroom all week and haven't yet started on the weekly cleaning schedule - it has been noticed and commented upon - so that's the rest of my week planned.

So many questions, sorry!

I think a cough that pulls rib muscles and has you struggliing to breathe is definitely worth a GP visit. Have you used the online NHS symptom checker? If not, I would.

As for worth caring about - you are worth caring about. Your DH ought to get that and apparently doesn't. But I understand that sometimes it's hard to realise that so what about your small DCs needing you to be healthy to look after them?

Thanks Empress, I realised that this morning. On the way back from playgroup DS walked into the road and I almost didn't manage to call him back. I called when I got home and have an appointment this afternoon. I'm scared. I did, but it told me to go to A&E which is clearly ridiculous. It seems to assume all chest pains mean a heart attack!

It works for me sometimes. Let us know how appointment goes.

It went ok, and I knew I shouldn't have gone. Felt like a right idiot. She listened to my breathing - normal. So I had bloods done and they came back slightly high. She was shocked the painkillers are doing nothing, has given me others to take alongside. She said all the symptoms indicate an inflammation of the lung so I had to have an x-Ray but that was clear so either the worst is passed or it's clear at the moment (afternoon is the time when it bothers me the least). She's given me a rather foul concoction to take to suppress the cough and has said to ride it out. So, a waste of her time.

Hang on - she said you needed more painkillers and a cough suppressant, and might have an inflammation of the lung and that was a waste of her time?

Oh and - I KNOW all this is easy for us to say. After a bloody stressful evening I ended up going into the toilet and scratching myself so I could look at the mark. Fingernail only and no broken skin... but I do know.

Seriously though, I think going to the GP was still the right thing to do.

Well, the doctor gets paid doesn't she! It still seems wrong though.
I've yet to take the stuff today because it says it causes drowsiness, which is not good when I've got to be alert with the two of them. It must be quite effective because it must have knocked me out last night, haven't slept so well in ages! And I didn't have any dreams, slept straight through til 5, it's a strange feeling. I've out DD down for a nap, given DS the iPad and its very tempting to take some and go back to bed but I must clean for the weekend and do the weekend shop.
Thanks for keeping me grounded (is that a word?) a bit.

Great that you got some sleep, should help in itself!

So, this morning I have... Let the DC's watch Tangled whilst I got dressed and cleaned the bathroom. I even put some plasters on the cuts on my hands (not SH unless not bothering to put hand cream on counts) whilst I did so, even if it did seem like a waste of a couple of plasters. Watched the end if the film with them as they were both in cuddle mode. Folded a mountain of washing and realised I can no longer ignore the ironing pile. Put DD to sleep, lay down with DS for half an hour to see if he would nap. (No!) Built him a train track route with tunnel and repaired his other train tracks in his room. Cooked them lunch. I took the half a dose of cough concoction and some caffeine tablets. Now to take them to the park, do the shopping and come home and Hoover. Does that actually count as an acceptable day for the kids? I worry, well, I know don't do enough with them. I'd rather stay indoors all day doing nothing but that's not fair on them.

Sounds like a perfectly good day to me!

That is an afternoon I don't want to repeat. I shout far too much :(
They've been up a little over 12 hours...3 hours left and I'm counting it down. Is that bad?

That is COMPLETELY normal!

They are asleep, DH is out running I am eating chocolate and drinking tea. I know, I shouldn't. I am exhausted, every inch of me aches and I want to have a bath and go to bed. I'm not sure I'll chance my luck though, I had one not so long ago. DH is saying that I have been ill a month, I'm not sure its true though. They were all ill a month ago, I didn't have a chance, I thought I got it once they were better again. He wants to know why they recovered so much faster than me. He is itching to tell me its because I never do any exercise. I didn't answer because I just can't deal with a heated discussion right now. I'm more inclined to think that it's because whilst he was ill, dividing his day between the sofa/TV and computer I was looking after the kids (as per usual), taking them out so he could have some peace, I was the one up with them when they were coughing in the night etc But I'm sure this has nothing to do with it. Or does it?

Most of the time I'm too exhausted to do any exercise anyway, although I do try twice a week when they are in creche. Except this week, like when I was re doing the bathroom (which, by the way, should not have taken so long and should look better than it does) and which it seems I should have been doing simultaneously with the housework...

This medicine makes me drowsy. I'm quite tempted to neck half the bottle tonight. Seriously though, I'm a bit worried about taking it. It obviously knocked me out last night. Is it safe to take something like that when I have the kids to think about? Do you think it would make me too drowsy to get up to them if they needed me? I didn't hear a peep from them last night and that is not normal (although it does occasionally happen)

I think that's why they recovered faster too. Instead of going on about exercise your not very DH needs to realise that rest will make you better.

When you're running around taking care of them, do you sit and eat with them or are you putting the food down and getting on with housework? I'd do the bath and early night too, and take whatever the recommended dose of the medicine is. You NEED sleep and it won't kill your DH to be woken! Tell him the doctor's told you you need the medicine to get better.