Fighting the urge to self harm

[Khimaira]

It's getting harder and harder to fight it. I've been telling myself DS would get upset if he noticed and I don't want DH to find out about my 'dirty little secret' but I've put the TV on for DC's and I could hide it from them I think. I very much doubt DH would even notice. So I have no good reason not to any more but part of me knows I shouldn't start again. Can anyone give me one reason not to do it.

Sorry, not had a chance to post yet. I'm a bit wiped out this evening! DD did a mammoth nap this morning so we went out for lunch, then had the brilliant idea to go for a walk. Took a funicular up and the walk is about an hour down, so thought fine, DS can walk that, DD will walk some of it and then DH can carry her. Except DS went on strike and refused to walk when DD was being carried. So I had to take DD on my shoulders whilst DH took DS. Not fun. I feel a bit unsafe walking down steep paths at the best of times, but with DD on my shoulders it's a whole other level. She had fun, I slipped twice (through the forest so the path is covered with loads of damp leaves, steep etc) and she thought it hilarious. "Mummy bam! Mummy bam!" She kept saying. Still we made it down safely. I did suggest we took the bus the last ten minutes or so as DS clearly wasn't going to walk another step and it seemed silly to carry on just for the sake of it. Still, it must have tired them out as they went to bed without a squeak.

This cough suppressant really works, except it seems that the times I do cough it's much more violent and painful. I might see how I go without it tomorrow.

It depends Empress. Often at breakfast by the time I've made theirs, made them a drink, mopped up a spillage or two they've finished before I've even got mine into a bowl. Then I put them in front of the tv (bad mummy) and have mine and then shower whilst their attention is held. Else I try and eat with them (because I noticed when DS was little that I was feeding him but not eating anything myself). I get sick very quickly if I miss a meal and me vomiting is not useful for looking after them. DH will never get up with them and DS knows not to go to him, so he always comes to me. Plus which he is always annoyed if they do wake him so he sleeps with earplugs in and I try to make sure I get to them ASAP if they make a noise. They're much much better now, it's just trying to persuade them to sleep longer than 5 at the moment. It's morning Mummy! No it is not!

Khimaira, your husband goes out running, but doesn't 'let' you and then criticises you for not exercising? And you need his permission to have a bath in case he has to look after his own children?

That is really not on.

From your posts I can see that you are caring, hardworking and have a wry sense of humour. You are dealing with so much and I am sorry that your husband is, frankly, a twat. Sorry to be blunt. But you are lovely and deserve better.

No, that's not fair on him. I couldn't go out running anyway. I tried it once before the kids came along and I was a shaking wreck and that was going with DH but him running on ahead and doing two laps whilst I did one. I'm too much of a coward, I'm too scared to go out by myself! Plus which, people might see me.
To be fair to him. DS was a nightmare baby, would scream all the time and usually only I could settle him. The problem is, if they wake now they both want me (although DD is more accepting of DH because he had to go to her when I was putting DS to bed) and he gets stressed and angry if he has to go to them and then he can't sleep and etc etc.

I think the reason you've been ill for so long is that you're run down. Your immune system doesn't work as effectively when you're tired; you need to rest to get better.

I think exercise would be a great idea, it's so good for your wellbeing and if it helps you feel fitter and healthier that's a bonus too. I go running at the weekends sometimes, and DH takes the DDs. Have you looked at Couch to 5k? It's for absolute beginners, there are threads on here.

Well, so far today he is furious with me. I removed the shower doors so I could reveal everything and I can't get them back! I asked him to help, he did for a couple of minutes but I have now spent the past three and a half hours trying to mount them. No luck. I'm in more pain now, I think from lifting the doors and trying to balance them and screw them in place. DH has been playing on the computer all thus time, just stopping to change film for the kids-so they have been watching tv ALL morning. I came out to see when lunch would be (he's supposed to be doing a roast, was agreed) he's done nothing, DD was sitting in shit - he hadn't changed her and I'm just cooking pasta for lunch now. I could cry, well, if I did crying, I probably would. But I don't.

Thanks yippee but I really can not go out running. I just can't go by myself.

Thanks it. I told him I would take the kids out and I'd try the doors again this evening. We are in the park, I am freeeezing, I'd forgotten how cold it is watching kids play. DD is fast asleep and DH is going for a run, hope grain a better mood when we get back!

What do you mean treat myself as a whole person? What counts as self care and when is it overly self indulgent? This morning I have... sat on the sofa and drank a tea (resisted the urge to watch a film!) had a bath and ordered DS's birthday present. Now, that to me is rather self indulgent because I've only done two lots of washing, not done any tidying, nor the shopping nor have I managed to fix the shower. We are being battered by wind and rain and I am hiding indoors (took the kids to the creche this morning and came home instead of going to the shop). Now I feel lazy and guilty :(

Getting the bus home from the shop instead of walking? Or is that just lazy?

Was I wrong this morning? DH woke before me and brought DD in to me (she wanted a feed) so I lay in bed with her. DS realised DH was in the shower so wanted one too, DH let him in and then when he stayed in the bathroom whilst DH was shaving he started to get annoyed with him. I didn't go and get DS out because DD was still feeding. When I did go DH was clearly annoyed with me that I hadn't gone earlier. I took DS and got him dressed, then went to change DD's nappy. By this time DH was in the kitchen and DS went through and started clamouring for breakfast. DH started shouting that he was fed up with this etc and just took a banana, which DS then wanted. I did up DD's nappy and put some clothes on her and went through to find DH shoving the banana at DS and storming out of the kitchen complaining there was no cereal (there was, in the store cupboard not in the main cupboard as there was still some left in the packet). DH said it was too late and left for work. I think he realised that DS was upset (he was standing in the corner holding his banana and not wanting to eat it any more) and tried to find him and give him a hug, but DS didn't want one. DH tried to explain that it wasn't DS he was angry at (I guess it's me!) but I'm not sure he understood.

Sorry for the long story, but I tend to have a very blinkered view on things, I start doing one thing then it doesn't occur to me that i should be doing something else, especially when I'm doing something for one of the children. In hindsight, I should have intercepted DS before he got to the bathroom, but I was feeding DD and so didn't. I should have got up before DH was out the bathroom and sorted breakfast, but I didn't as DD was feeding, which she seemed to want to do for ages this morning. I owe DH an apology don't I?

Oh Khimaira - he owes YOU an apology. He shows no care or concern for you or the DC. Why on earth should you have to intercept a child from disturbing their father? Your husband is NOT more important than you or the children but he seems to act like it.

Thanks for your comments. I know I need to sort things out but at the moment thinking about things is like wading through treacle. The kids were both up at 330 this morning and despite DH saying he only slept a couple of hours last night he said he had no idea they were awake, so I think he sleeps more than he thinks.

He got annoyed with me for shifting the mattress around the other day and told me I should have left it for him. I have asked MIL to take DS to gym today so I don't have to lift him. I feel a bit guilty because it's a quite rude to ask her to do something I'm not willing to do myself. So either she will go with DS or I will go with DD.

I don't know Pogo, I thought it was ok and well, normal, that a child would go to see their dad, but then I'm not the one trying to get out to work am I? So I can see how it would be annoying, but I thought he was over reacting, but then I wasn't sure. He's not from the Uk and where he's from the children do take a second role, not like in the UK where we tend to put children first and it does cause a lot of friction especially since DD came along.

I am trying to keep going. DD is ill, DH is pissed off with me. How do you deal with the guilt of sticking around when you know they'd be so much better off I'd you didn't feature in their lives?

Sorry I didn't answer you yesterday It DD is ill. I'm rather annoyed with DH this morning. I posted this on chat last night...

I'd like to know if I'm over-reacting. My DH suffers from insomnia. We have a 20month DD who currently has a cold. Just as he was getting ready for bed, DD coughed so much she threw up (on our bed, although DH sleeping in spare room at the moment). I took her into the bathroom, sat her on the floor and told him I was going to strip the bed. He asked if I expected him to stay with her because he was just feeling sleepy. I called back yes, I wouldn't be long, apologised and said I hadn't planned it but needed to sort the bed. He said I had planned it because she caught it from nursery (whole other story) and said he was going to bed. Walked out and left her, now lying, on the bathroom floor with vomit on her pjs and sleeping bag.
I am so angry right now, I want to tell him he can f* off to his parents for the weekend and I actually feel a rather protective urge that I don't even want him near her. Am I over reacting? Or do I need to let it slide - is this an effect of his insomnia?

In answer to your questions. Yes. But then I imagine most people would do that if they knew there were children inside etc.

We had a bad day yesterday, We were asked to leave playgroup because of DS, both over tired and not sleeping well, I'm still feeling a bit rubbish and now I'm getting DD's cold which means sneezing is absolute agony! Today I'm just doing the weekend shop and washing...

Khimaira I hope your DD is on the mend and I am gobsmacked by your DH. What an utterly selfish man.

Life can be really hard with small children, they have a lot of needs and demands, but it gets easier as they grow. You are doing everything for them and added to that it sounds like you are protecting them from their horrible father. They need you very very much as it sounds like you are the only person in their world that puts their interests first.

You are doing a great job. (Your husband is not.)

We are all behind you xxx

But I'm not. I'm ruining their lives. And now they're not even going to have any break from me because I have to cancel their crèche places on .monday. They're going to be at home with me all the time. I'm dreading it, mainly because I know it's the worst thing for them but also the selfish part of me know I will never get a break now. If I knew how to cry, i think I would.

No, that would be me. We have to cancel because it's too expensive. The idea was I would get a job. But I am unemployable. And we've just put our place on the market. So if we move they couldn't stay anyway. And it makes them ill.
They are not ok though. DS is going to be assessed for speech delay and behaviour issues. Because I'm such a shit mum and clearly don't care for them properly. I was even told that by a complete stranger on Thursday. She told me I need to do some exercise then I would be able to look after the children better (DS having a tantrum, I ended up putting him in the buggy and letting DD walk).
I've never had a plan for my life. Never thought I'd make this age, always assumed I'd have killed myself by now. I'm too cowardly, it would seem. I was wondering what to do with the DC's. Sometimes I think I should get them adopted and sometimes, like this afternoon, I think they'll be fine with DH. They were having such fun together whilst I was cleaning up after dinner. And out today they both refused to walk with me, both wanted DH. They don't need me.
DH told me tonight that I should have been thrown out of uni but I wasn't because he persuaded them to let me stay. So even my degree is a worthless farce.
He says women must deal with sleep deprivation differently because he would never have managed it. It's down to hormones and maternal reactions.