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[ThatVikRinA22]

My Friends... theres no need to feel down
i said My Friends..Pick yourself off the ground
i said My Friends, cause youre in a new town
theres no need to be unhappy....

Our new thread folks (number 5!!).....i need to dash as im on nights but i will be back!
love to all. xxx

Edwina you are properly brilliant you are! why didn't i think of that!

Its all very well you saying you know how to unkill it, but will my arms end up covered in bruises ?

Basset, could you have a glass of wine and warm bath, or glass of juice if you are not drinking just now?

evening.....

will have a proper catch up in a bit but just got in and nipping out to walk the dog....

no one asked how my case went. instead i got told that i had "not been in control" of the suicidal lady the other night.....
i cant have 5 minutes without being got at by some bugger.
i didnt need control of her because she was calm with me, she wasnt a criminal, she was having a mental breakdown with grief over the loss of her dh.....

and im criticized. Ther person who dealt with her after me says she tried got violent with her.
funny that for the 4 hours i was with her she didnt get violent with me though eh....but again i feel like its me thats in the wrong.

i dont feel like i didnt have control and i dont feel like i did anything wrong in how i dealt with her, my approach was much softer but i felt it did more good than wrestling with her. but, ive found that where im concerned there is always someone who will piss on my chips.
im not actually that bothered tonight. im criticized because i do things differently, but im trying to hold on to the thought that it doesnt necessarily make it wrong.
im a bit pissed off that apparently custody had said this to another officer - i wonder why in the 4 hours i was present they didnt feel the need to tell me if they felt i hadnt handled things well or had proper control. hey ho.

i also went to tell the CID bobby who advised me on the court case the result - he was really pleased and said had it been dealt with by them it would have had at least 3 experienced DCs on it and a DS, so i now feel much better that i got a good result, with the evidence that i got on my own.
i spoke with the victim today and they were really pleased. So im pleased that the outcome was a good one for everyone concerned.

its just very telling that no one asked me how it went. funny job this. i get the feeling that were i getting my head stoved in i would be on my own. im not mrs popular either today because the fact ive been off means im not up for an attachment that no one wants to do - ive been "excused", everything seems to alienate me a bit more.
id like to move i think.

Ah, fuck em vicar, really, fuck them! I can't help but wonder if they aren't a little bit threatened by you. They seem to be wanting to get the job done as quickly as possible, even if that means doing the bare minimum or even cutting corners. You on the other hand are taking a more measured approach and doing your job properly! As you say, the woman was calmer with you, but got voilent with another officer - this doesn't tell me that YOU were in the wrong! With no experience whatsoever, your approach was clearly the better. You protected yourself becuse she didn't get violent with you and you protected HER because in your care she didn't damage herself, you calmed the situation down. To be perfectly frank, even is she was a criminal, it shouldnt have been handled anything other than sensitively. No matter how angry or frustrated you are with someone, it is not the police's place to be judge and jury, rather to enforce the law and keep people safe, but diffusing the situation if possible. That is how I would see the job, so even if you have a complete scum fucker in your cell, if being sensitve and compassionate results in them not kicking off then that would be the right approach, imo.

You said yesterday that you got a good result and after speaking the CID you felt that was the way you wanted to go. There you are then, make that your focus. You are brilliant at what you do. Thorough, caring and effective - im telling you, those people are jealous!

(((( vicar ))))

here here to lem I really don't think they get you at all, so can't relate to you, so behave completely crapply.

Hi bobbly well done for getting through your course today! Any ideas how to relax a bit this pm? I have just watched an episode of Dempsey and Makepeace on YouTube, a prog I used to watch as a teenager - and altho its pretty cheesy now it still made me anything like that you can think of?

i wish is could just stop trying to people please where my colleagues are concerned.

i spoke to my friend tonight who said much the same - that the queen bee who tries to belittle me is simply threatened by me.

the stupid thing is no one has any need to be - im not trying to outdo anyone - but i cant be something that im not. im just me. 3 years in and im not any different - i think im too old in the tooth to change or harden up.

so either the job needs me or it doesnt. everyone approaches things differently but i cant see there is a right or wrong way. just my way is the way i am and i cant change it.

im going to try and go back and catch up with everyones posts now....i feel quite bad that im not acknowledging everyone on the thread but im just not getting chance to read the pages i miss properly.....ive just walked the dog, talked to my pal, picked up DD from her boyfriends and then had the rodents out for a run while reading....

and suddenly its bed time!

ive got another counselling appt next week. DS is moving into his own place next week, he seems ok but im on tenterhooks.

but so far he seems ok....he is enjoying the job. im going to really try to catch up with everyones posts tomorrow.....

hope everyone is doing ok. ive just realised ive missed my meds again tonight because i have actually forgotten to eat.....ooops. im not remotely hungry though. must take meds tomorrow....it doesnt help to miss them.

goodnight everyone....
x

vicar somewhere upthread you described a v resourceful attitude that popped up for you re work. A state that will serve you well when you have to deal with plod uniform when you are in CID

i think that was the coping mechanism as identified by my counsellor....which oosely boils down to "just dont think about it until you really have to" or something like that.....i found the way forward was not to prepare in any way shape or form for going to work....

its worked so far.

vicar think back to this time yesterday. How did YOU feel about the job that YOU did yesterday.

You felt great.
You felt reassured that you were capable (albeit in a different way to others).
You proved yourself to yourself, and no doubt to others.

Whats changed? Someone has come along and judged your work. Ask yourself this. Did they have the right to judge your work? Does their opinion matter? If no then don't let them change tge way you feel in the space of 24hrs. Bring back the fiesty vicar.

There will be some people you have to acknowledge have the right to pass judgement (ie superiors). If they are passing judgement without it being necessary. Ignore them. Self reflect on your work. Reflect on your superiors comments. F#*/ everyone else.

Now for my list of the day...haven't done this for a while...

Today I read a book from start to finish
Bathed (whilst reading).

The end.

Oh and the dr has requested that my bloods are repeated. Bruises are going away though. I am gaining a few on my legs but I don't think they are out of the ordinary. I always have a scattering of bruises on my legs. I think I am just being hyper vigilant.

Hugs and warm virtual crocheted blankets to all.

well....i think im off to the virtual village pub for a swift vino and a game of dominoes.....

ill take one of those crochet blankets ed....somewhere in my loft i have a couple that my beloved nan crocheted me.

i should dig them out....they were made with TLC. i could do to be wrapped up in one of them i think.....
they are garish but beautiful. i had 5 at one point but gave 3 to charity....

Feeling pretty awful today, now laid out immobile on sofa. Did manage to talk to dh a bit last night. Something I read on another thread rang a bell deep down. Sth about your brain working hard to protect the defence and coping mechanisms we've set up so we can eg in my case avoid being open with pepple close to us eg dh. Dh agreed with this. Had a bit of a chat, I felt v vulnerable and anxious, got to sleep late, head spinning, woke up head feeling completely scrambled, achy, treacly, and shattered.

Ciq I hope you manage to feel better. I was listening to green day earlier, as one does one of the lyrics was "its like a banging toothache of the mind" I thought of all of us and it is really what it is. Ive actually done some cleaning and washing up from three days hence the green day. Its mt dd1 birthday on sunday going out for a meal with her later my mum is paying we are stoney broke I am giving her someyhing I have had since I was seven as I have no money I hope she likes it its special to me

Thanks lem. That's a nice touch pressie wise. Am planning to give my dd a cross and chain I was given as a child for her Communion. Wondering if I should take it to a jewellers to be polished? Great stuff re your cleaning etc and that tooth thing is spot on. Going to try and eat something and take paracetamol x

Ah sorry you're feeling crap CiQ but glad you managed to "lift the lid" a little with your DH. What you read on the other thread about our brains working hard to protect our defence and coping mechanisms that we have set up resonated with me too. I think it's quite extraordinary that we do this absolutely unconsciously. My DP is hyper sensitive to criticism (or anything that he perceives is critical) and this has its roots in the usual place - our childhoods. His dad was very controlling and frequently criticised DP (unfairly in his view) and this has "followed" him into adult life of course.

We did have counselling some years ago when we both retired together (not planned) and found living together on a day to day basis very difficult. This issue of criticism came up and the counsellor thought that DP actually felt the pain he felt as a child when I was critical, or he thought I was being critical, when I didn't think I was. I thought this sounded a very strange thing to say but I turned to look at DP and he was nodding vigorously! SO I have that defence/coping mechanism in my brain, but it's not emotionally healthy because with me, I let things go that annoy me, because of DPs reaction to criticism (he shouts, or gets agitated and interestingly uses child like phrases ("I haven't done anything wrong") and he is right back in the "then and there" as a child with his dad shouting at him. Then a head of steam builds up and I "blow" and then we have a big row, but it's cathartic because he will listen to my grievances and we are back in the "here and now"

Sorry this is hi-jacking the thread a bit but I know you agreed with a comment I made about communication a while ago. I think though if you have had to psyche yourself up to raise issues that are on your mind, which I call "lifting the lid" it is tempting to shut it again, and then you're back where you started, whereas hopefully you can build on it and make communication a bit easier between you.

Anyway hope you can manage to feel a bit easier as the day goes by and maybe an early night to make up for last night.

How is everyone else?

Thanks nana yes your communication comment struck a chord. I said to dh last night, when I do open up I feel very vulnerable - like a hermit crab without a shell at risk of being trodden on. And then feeling so bad today the temptation is as you say to hide in my shell again. Dh suggested trying to tell me one thought-type thing each day... Interesting to hear about your counselling and DH - I can picture the cycle. When I'm doing better there is the poss of counselling for DH and I maybe.

Struggling.

Slept all morning.

Been awake a couple of hours.

Want to sleep now cos there is nothing else to do.

But there is. I habe over 40items of unopened mail to deal with that date back to the beginning of May.

Lots of house stuff to do.

I'm off the wagon and in bed...again...

I need to book my holiday...but I can't pick up the phone. The potential medical problems are also holding me back (even though I do feel less poorly and I have no new overly concerning bruises...dr google is scarey and the fact the dr wants to repeat the bloods is a bit scary)

Hi Ed. Riffle through that mail - some of it could maybe go straight in the recyling without even being opened. At least that would reduce it from 40+ items

The obvious junk hasn't even made it to the pile....

ED Dont worry about repeat blood test . It will most likely be to get another sample of the one that was insufficient amount to process last time . If it is the blood clottting one then ask the phlebotomist to make sure the blood bottle is filled up to the line or the lab cannot process it
Lots of samples get refused because health workers sometimes dont fill the tube up to the top on this particular test . All the others are fine and take that as very positive xx

I also bruise easy and it has caused comment . I think it is med related with me .

Hugs to CIQ and LEM ..hope the day is getting better for you .

Interesting chat about communication and how we retreat from it . The crab in its shell resonated with me very much.

Hope we all have a peaceful content weekend ...with some sunshine xx

I know I know I know. But what if????

And I do bruise easily. And I often don't kniw where my bruises have come from. But this was a LOT (over 30 on my forearms) that appeared literally overnight with no explanation.

Rubbish weather here. Think I am going to be doing paper maiche all weekend...

Sorry ED didnt mean to make you feel worse . Will it help to talk about it or not?

I know.

You didn't make me feel worse.

I'm just ib that frame of mind where I will find flaws with anything that is said to try and reassure me if that makes sense.

Its not personal. Its those negative filters....

I might try and go to tesco tonight which means I can lock myself away from the bad weather all weekend..

But has the positive that I will have organised food for the whole weekend. . And the bonus of mcDS for tea.

I just hate myself for spending all day in bed again.

I shouldn't.
I don't know why I did.
I wasn't even tired when I woke up at lunch time.

((( ED))) .

Thanks.

I dunno what has got into me the last few days.