I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.
Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.
I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...
I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.
I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.
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Mental health
Regretting abortion
Namechanger012345 · 07/06/2013 01:22
All done 
I cried when she did the internal but I fired the speculum out. Again. 
Fab, she was amazingly supportive and I didn't feel a thing except my legs shook when she clipped my cervix
The counselling just seemed totally useless. She literally just repeated back whatever I had said, but rephrased it slightly and was like "so you're feeling.... blah blah (whatever I just said)". I have heard of people doing this to show you they're listening and try to make you feel they understand but it was sooooo obvious and awkward. I was sitting there thinking "yeah yeah, how is this going to help anything?!" doing this face 
in between sobbing at her. Not great! Felt like I would be better off dealing with it on my own. However, the other counselling through care confidential did sound like it would be better when I went to meet someone from there last week because its so focused on this issue and they seem to have a clear structure and route to accepting it and moving on, just going to be tricky scheduling it but I still think I will try with that.
Still feeling baby desperation but less panicky about it. I think my hormones must have calmed down a bit finally. Did have a weird moment in Boots earlier where I felt like I wanted to get a pregnancy test even though there is absolutely no reason why I should need to test or suspect anything 
Good luck with your ttc. I really hope it happens for you soon, just need to give it a little bit of time. Hope things are on the up for all of us on here.
All alone thanks, funny you should mention muffins cos I just bought a blueberry muffin earlier that I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow!
I'm still here. Appear to have developed vitiligo for the first time ever. White patches on my hands, suspect stress induced 
It's a very long story but if I say financially we are tied together and they threaten to remove it when I don't do as they want...
Apparently all this has hurt and upset THEM very much
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