Regretting abortion

[Namechanger012345]

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

[lissieloo]

I'm really, really not. Honestly, using AC is a very very bad idea without consulting a specialist.

[lissieloo]

If you are already ovulating then AC can seriously screw up your cycle, it took me 9 months to get back on track, it shortens your cycle which is why its prescribed for ovulation issues and affects your cervical mucus as well as causing minor contractions. There are lots of threads on here and on places like fertility friend about how bad it is if taken without consultation.

[Namechanger012345]

Ok interesting, thanks for the info on that. I didn't know agnus castus had an effect on ovulation, fertility etc. That makes me a bit wary. I don't really know anything about it tbh!

I think my exam okay was okay... Not great but I don't think it was terrible and at least it gave me something to focus on for a while.

[EMUZ]

I terminated on the 14th of May. I feel heartbroken, angry and the grief is incredible
I've actually been to the doctors who have put me on a high dose of citalopram to try to help. It was a feeling of I don't want to die, I just don't want to be here. Kept having crying outbursts of just sitting sobbing for hours and I feel like I need to punish myself for it
Guess what I want to say is you're not alone. Someone gave me a forum link, I've signed up but you have to wait for activation
passboards.org

[Branleuse]

youre in the middle of a massive hormonal crash, which is similar to baby blues. They dont always mention this when you go in for a termination but i had a low patch afterwards which did pass when my hormones went back to normal.
Be gentle on yourself, and remember that we all make decisions that are right for us at the time we make them. There was no "right" decision here, because to carry on with the pregnancy would have had its own problems and would not have necessarily been any easier.

Please dont feel guilty x

[RaRaZ]

I think you need to make your own decision on Agnus Castus rather than be guided by other people's experiences. Some people here have obviously had bad experiences; I've had nothing but good - it's the only thing that rids me of period cramps (and the only thing that really helped with pains during pregnancy and cramps after both TOP and MC, incidentally), has never caused me any side affects and hasn't stopped me ovulating (which I know as I've been pregnant twice since starting to take it). However, none of us are YOU, and everyone's different. I'd suggest you try it and see for yourself - but I'm a big fan of herbs and I really believe in giving them a go. You may feel differently. I'd recommend doing your research so you can make an informed decision.

However, that's getting away from the real issue of you coping. How are you feeling? I hope things are getting better. They honestly will - though it may not feel like it right now. I hope someone's looking out for you x

[MaterFacit]

Thinking of you today OP, hope things will look a little brighter soon.

[Namechanger012345]

Had a bad day today. I slept really badly in the night, eventually did sleep in the morning and then didn't get out of bed til about 4pm because I just couldn't make myself feel motivated to do anything. Feeling so sad and empty.

My boyfriend stayed over last night and we had sex for the first time since the abortion which stirred up some weird feelings.

Emuz, sorry you're going through this too. It's shit isn't it?

[EMUZ]

It is utterly shit

I have a coil fitting on Friday and I'm dreading it. Never had one before and my termination was so painful
Not sleeping well and falling asleep at 4-5am then waking up late and not sleeping at night again
I wrote something but I don't know whether to post it

[madasa]

You made the right decision based on your circumstances at the time. Remembering this was one of the things that helped to get me through.
You are grieving Namechanger, be kind to yourself.

for you and for Emuz

[RaRaZ]

OP , I wish I could change things for you. That's exactly how I felt, and I've had more nightmares since the TOP than I've ever done before; they were every night (sometimes more than one) at first, and now still several times a week over two months later. It's not easy at all, and your mind and body need time to recover. I've suggested things that helped me, but ultimately we're all different and you need to find something that helps you, something that eases the emotional pain/makes it easier to deal with and something that helps you find a goal to push forwards with your life. But remember that it's ok to cry.

If you don't mind me asking, how far along were you when you had the TOP, and what 'weird feelings' did sex conjure up for you last night?

[LongWordsBotherMe]

I'm sorry you are both feeling like this. One organisation that does offer post abortion and pregnancy loss counselling is care confidential. They might be worth a google as they can talk on phone or online.

[Namechanger012345]

I was 10 weeks.

Weird feelings because I felt like I desperately wanted to get pregnant again but at the same time I also felt scared of getting pregnant again, because I know the circumstances are still the same and realistically they're not the right ones for having a baby.

Also I have some issues to do with being raped when I was 17 which I never fully managed to get over (I am a lot better at dealing with it now than I was at the time, but its never really completely gone away...) and after the abortion when I had checks because of very heavy bleeding they did an internal examination which was quite traumatic and triggered rape memories for me (I know it sounds pathetic) and I have been having flash backs and feeling bad about that too. There were some of these feelings when we had sex especially as it was quite painful at first. I don't want to feel like that about it and I know he would never hurt me on purpose. It did feel fine after a while but I bled a bit the first time.

This morning I also felt really really angry at a friend who said something like that she thought I was feeling better, and keeps making crap suggestions like if I can't sleep drink some hot milk. I know she is not being nasty but I feel like she's completely minimising my feelings and not recognising how overwhelming this is at the moment. Just adds to the feeling of being alone and no one "getting" it. I know that's not true and lots of people have felt like I do, but it just feels lonely in my head at the moment :(

[Namechanger012345]

Thank you long words, I will google them.

[LongWordsBotherMe]

I hope that they can be useful, I know they do pregnancy crisis counselling too.

[EMUZ]

Definitely look at passboards.org
It has loads of helpful stuff and a forum
I hate it when people have said "oh you should be over that now"

[RaRaZ]

OP : I was 14 weeks and it was agony for me too, so guess I know where you're coming from, sadly. I'm sure your friend means well, but it really is impossible for anyone who hasn't been through it to understand; the feelings, both mental and physical, are like nothing else and I don't think anyone could ever truly put themselves in your shoes. Of course you shouldn't be 'over it'. There's no 'should' about it - it'll take as long as it takes and you're better (imho) to let it take it's course than fight it. It's gonna hurt, but you have to allow yourself to have time to come to terms with it.

Re the rape, I'm really sorry to hear that. You're not stupid or pathetic at all - in fact, I think you're really brave! I cried my eyes out during the first four internal exams/scans I had and found them uncomfortable/painful without having your history. They're horrible for anyone, and much more so with what has happened to you. Don't be ashamed for feeling like that. I think you're brave to be in a relationship and having sex full-stop - I had an abusive ex, and I felt like I'd never trust a man again. You're doing really well, but you still need time to heal. x

[Salbertina]

Op- teally sorry to hrar how youre feeling and the more so abiut your rape. A lot to deal eith.

If it helps, completely true that others have said, people don't get it if they haven't been through it and may therefore end up- unintentionally saying some really invalidating/hurtful things. I think they just don't know what to say. A good friend said to me "don't know why you're upset, you've got plenty of time to have another" Many years and 2 dc later, that's forgiven but not forgotten.

[Salbertina]

Oh god, sorry for typos! Bloody iphone!

[Namechanger012345]

Another exam tomorrow and I have barely managed to study. I'm trying to make myself concentrate but I keep ending up staring into space and then realising loads of time has passed.

[RaRaZ]

I was the same. Still am sometimes. Usually I'm always busy and flying around doing stuff; now I can waste whole days doing not very much. It's grief I suppose. Good luck with your exam. Could you ask for mitigating circs to be taken into account?

[Namechanger012345]

I can either sit the exam or defer it, but if I take it and mess up then its basically too bad. There are no mitigating circs that they can use to improve the grade or anything. I think if I can make myself get up, go in and do it I will pass and it will probably be okay. It definitely won't be a great mark because I feel slow and kind of fuzzy and detached but I should scrape by and luckily my average from the earlier exams is high so I have some room to lose marks. What I'm worried about is whether I will even be able to go or if I will feel like I can't face it. I didn't even get dressed til about 6 pm today. The problem with deferring the exam is that if I do then I might not be allowed to start my job in the intake I'm supposed to be in. If I have to defer the job it will cause me all sorts of problems, like I have no idea what I would live on til the next entry opportunity, so I do want to take it tomorrow, but just concerned that the last couple of days I have barely felt able to do anything and have just about managed to get up and get dressed.

I'm realising I need to be honest with the doctor, tell her how I am feeling and maybe accept that I might have to go back on anti depressants and/or try some kind of therapy again. I don't like any of that and I always want to cope on my own but its not clearly working very well at the moment. I feel like everything is too much.

[Namechanged11]

I am so sorry to hear how you are feeling. Reading your posts is like playing back a tape recorder of exactly how I was feeling 3 years ago. I too spent weeks agonising over the decision, went through with it at 9 weeks for sensible, logical, "head" reasons, rather than following my heart, and I had good reasons for why i did it. I immediately felt the overwhelming regret you're experiencing and was an emotional wreck. I know you will be feeling so lonely at the moment, because other people don't know what you're going through and I didn't feel I could talk to people around me about this. But please be assured there are many, many people out there who have been through what you're experiencing, some of them will be feeling like you are right now. You are not alone, you are not the only person to have ended up in this predicament, lots of us out there have been there. The sad thing is that it's such a hidden experience that we don't get to hear about the fallout from these decisions, or get the real emotional support from people who truly understand, until we go through it ourselves.
I think the main thing I wanted to say was that after trying to get over this on my own for a few months, and not succeeding, I did two things. I did see my GP and I was really honest about how I was feeling, and what had happened, and cried while i was in there, and the gp was very understanding. I was offered the opportunity to come back and ask for antidepressants. I'm sure I could have actually started on medication straightaway had I wanted to, and I really do think this may be the way forward for you, I'm a great believer in antidepressants rather than carrying on struggling to cope. However, the biggest thing that helped me was getting counselling, through care confidential, the organisation mentioned further up the thread. I needed to face the pain and talk up front about how I was feeling, even though I didn't want to and had to make myself go. But I did really make progress doing that. It still took time, several months of weekly counselling. Please - don't delay with this, go and talk to your GP now, don't feel you have to carry this burden on your own any longer. If the nhs counselling wait is a long one (it was in my area), please speak to care confidential or perhaps another counselling organisation to get linked up with some support.
I'm hoping by telling you a bit about me and my experience, you will believe that you can start to feel better and get through this, of course it will take time. But please try and find the strength to phone and speak to someone to make an appointment. It's so hard to ask for help I know, but its really important. I am really thinking of you, and really hoping you start to feel a bit stronger and brighter. Best wishes for your exam too.