Regretting abortion

[Namechanger012345]

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

[EMUZ]

It was may 14th

[RaRaZ]

Ok. How do you feel? I think it's funny the things that bring it back... I'm a mess right now: just had an argument with my dad for interfering and imposing his opinion on something where it wasn't wanted (he's very forceful and, by his own admission, thinks that anyone who doesn't share his opinions is a fool), and it just brought it all rushing right back: the last time I listened to my parents and took their opinion was when we made the decision to abort and it was the worst decision DP and I have ever made; it's still hurting us now nearly three months later, I'm still not back to myself physically or mentally, and we don't know if I'll actually ever be totally ok after all they had to do to me when stuff went wrong. I'm supposed to be doing a uni assignment today and instead I'm sat huddled in the computer chair crying my eyes out cos I just can't deal with what has happened. It's shit.

[EMUZ]

I'm ok. That's about it really not happy or sad. Had a good workout at the gym yesterday which helped. Coil fitting tomorrow though which I'm worrying about

[RaRaZ]

I find the gym helps me a lot too, as does running - I go out trail-running through the wood nearby and there's no-one around except me and the odd deer and rabbit, which is great. I really enjoy it and come back feeling a lot better.

Why are you worried about the coil fitting?

[EMUZ]

Never had one, had no DC and worried about pain a bit. Have nice female doctor who said she will use anaesthetic gel

[RaRaZ]

Yeah, that's fair enough. I had one a few years ago (prior to the current mess!) and they couldn't get it in at the GP as my cervix wasn't sufficiently open. I had mine put in under general anaesthetic in hospital. After an abortion, your cervix should be open enough to allow them to do it easily enough I would think.

Are you sure the coil is what you want? Plenty of people swear by it, but for me it was a bloody nightmare and I got it out after eight months.

[EMUZ]

Yeah hoping because I dilated during termination it will be ok
Am going for copper coil. Doc has refused pill to me, can't have injection (h/o osteoporosis) and can't have implant. Bit limited

[RaRaZ]

Refused the pill??? Why? (If you don't mind me asking - hoping I'm not nosing into anything too personal, but seems like an odd thing to do...)

[Namechanger012345]

Raraz the problem with my boyfriend is that its not really a serious relationship. We had not known each other that long when I got pregnant and although he is now saying he wants us to get serious it does kind of seem like all talk at times. I really like him (most of the time) but he can be a very frustrating person and emotionally he is quite cold. I am generally quite emotional (as you can probably tell from all my ramblings on here...) and he doesn't like it when I am sad or finding things difficult because he doesn't know what to do! He is definitely not my first port of call when I need support.

I usually go to my best friend but at the moment I'm trying not to lean on her as much because I don't want to over burden her and I'm also a bit upset by a few things she has said so I'm now wary of saying too much because I probably won't like her responses.

So... I don't really have anyone I want to go to at the moment. First counselling session tomorrow though.

Sorry you were having a shit time today. Hope you got your assignment done or if not don't worry, can you get an extension or anything if you need it?

Emuz, good luck with the coil fitting! I would be nervous too but I'm sure it will all go well and hopefully not be too uncomfortable.

[EMUZ]

It's ok. My BMI meant I couldn't have the nuva ring or pill even though my blood pressure etc is spot on and I exercise like a mad woman

[RaRaZ]

Oh Name , that doesn't sound too good at all! How long had you been together when you got pregnant? An unplanned pg is always a difficult thing to deal with, but it doesn't sound like he's been there for you at all... Are you sure this is the guy you want to spend the rest of your life with and have children with??? I don't want to cast judgement on someone I don't know, but you sound like such a sweet and genuine person....I think you deserve better. It kinda sounds like half the trouble you're having at present is because of him... :-/ Have you had a good and proper think about this?

Sorry Emuz , I still don't understand: I don't know much about this tbf, so sorry for asking you to spell it out - but do you mean your BMI is too high or too low for the pill/Nuva ring?? I had no idea BMI was even an issue :-/

[EMUZ]

Too high. I smoke so I'm higher risk

[Namechanger012345]

We had only been seeing each other for about a month at the time, obviously not long enough to really know each other at all. I suppose we are still getting to know each other properly now. I think in normal circumstances I probably wouldn't have put up with some of his behaviour e.g. lateness, not calling when he says he will, but I feel a connection to him because of this. Sounds stupid but he is the only link to the child we would have had so somehow I feel like I need him because of that. I know that's not really a reason to stay in a relationship if its not right... Not sure if I can imagine him being the one for life. I think I sometimes get carried away thinking we will be fine, we'll have another baby and be a happy family but I know it might be a bit unrealistic or me just hoping. He does say that's what he wants but I can never quite read him.

We would have a much better chance if he would just stop being such a workaholic and giving all his energy to his business and only a tiny bit to me.

I don't think he is actually causing any problems, just not really offering a whole lot of help either. He does have a lot of good qualities too. Feel like I've been a bit mean just saying he's unreliable, workaholic, cold...

[RaRaZ]

Emuz : I see. That's a bugger. I hope the coil works out for you though :-)

Name : You poor thing, you sound really confused about where to turn and what to do. Pretty crap, hey? Don't feel bad about saying that about your bf if it's true. You don't have to make a decision right now - as long as he's not actually hurting you or anything, you've got all the time you need. If it's not too personal, are you using something to be sure you won't get pg again atm? Sounds like it would be a bad idea for now, at least until you've sorted out whether this guy really is the one you want to father your children - it's one hell of a big commitment! I totally understand you feeling that connection to him though; it's not stupid at all. You carried his child hinny - even if not for a long time, that's a hell of a thing to do and not something easily forgotten. Don't beat yourself up for feeling like you need him.

[Namechanger012345]

Yep I'm on the pill now. We were only using comdoms before. I know you're right it's not a good idea to want to get pregnant with him again right now if I don't even know how I feel about him. Part of me wishes I would though every time (probably hormones I know) I do think he would have been/would be a decent dad in some respects...

Getting ready for counselling. So tired.

[Namechanger012345]

Condoms not comdoms haha I do know how to spell, not sure what that was about!

[RaRaZ]

Haha :-)

Did you get pg whilst using condoms then or did you 'slip up'? Sorry for the nosiness, just curious. I didn't think I could get pg (long story) so we weren't using anything. I know how you mean about wishing you would get pg; it's hard to stop wanting it when you've already been pg. I think next time you get pg you need it to be with the right man - a man who's going to always be there for you AND your child/ren. Mebbies that's your current partner, mebbies it's not - give yourself time to work it out :-)

Is counselling today then? Best of luck hun; I hope it goes well and I hope you come out feeling more positive. x

[Namechanger012345]

Yes, while using condoms. My two friends who I talked to and a nurse at the hospital were all a bit about that but its honestly true! No idea how it happened, maybe one of those unlikely sounding scenarios people used to freak out about as teenagers like getting pregnant by getting a bit of precum on your hand and touching yourself, god knows

The counselling appointment turned out to not really be proper counselling yet, just them talking about what services they have and how it's going to work. They have a waiting list and also its going to be difficult to fit it in with my new job once I start because it has long hours, so I need to work out how I can do it. I do want to do it. They also said its very early days really and people usually wait longer before doing their programme. Not sure how much longer I can take feeling like this.

[EMUZ]

I am going for my coil at 3pm. Been so worried all morning. Feel pathetic but after how painful the termination was I can't face much more, and it feels so invasive too
Have ignored instructions on "simple pain relief" and gone with cocodamol and ibruprofen

[Namechanger012345]

Good luck!

[RaRaZ]

Name : Funny that they were so disbelieving - it has to happen to someone or else why would they warn teenagers about it all of the time! The success rate is only 98% or something, so someone somewhere is always going to get pg using them. Unlucky mebbies, but it happens.

How do you feel about the counselling people then? Do you think they'll be able to help? Not sure I like the comment about people usually waiting longer... :-S Seems like a funny thing to say even if it's true; everyone's different after all.

Emuz : You'll be in as I type then I guess. Hope it's going well. Hopefully it'll be a lot easier than you think. Let us know.

[EMUZ]

Still waiting. Sat shaking in waiting room. Same clinic I came to for my termination. Think it's frightening because I don't know what to expect

[Namechanger012345]

I think it might help. I definitely feel open to it and want to try. I feel like that in itself is some kind of progress because I have had some bad counselling/therapy experiences in the past and never felt like it would ever be able to help me so at least my attitude towards it seems a bit more positive now,

I think they were just trying to warn me that it might feel a bit much for me at the moment as everything is still feeling so raw. They weren't saying I couldn't do it (well I have to go on the waiting list so it will take a while anyway) but just sort of pointing out that I haven't had much time to deal with this yet so no wonder it hurts so much right now. How soon afterwards did you start your counselling?

[Namechanger012345]

As emuz that must be a bit of a weird feeling that its the same clinic. I hope the doctor/nurse whoever you deal with is kind and understanding with you being nervous. It will be over soon!

[RaRaZ]

I understand that totally Emuz - I've had to go back to the same bloody ward loads of times because of problems in the aftermath. For my first D&C, they even put me in the same bed I'd had for the TOP! They seemed to think this was a 'nice' thing to do :-S

Name : Yeah, fair point. How long is the waiting list? I had my TOP 11th April. I started counselling in late May, just in time to have my MC :-/