Regretting abortion

[Namechanger012345]

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

[Branleuse]

You're in the middle of a hormonal war zone. I had feelings a bit like this after my abortion, but they did pass. It's the same as the babyblues. Your hormones are all over the place. Please be gentle on yourself. You made the best decision for you at the time. You can have another baby in the future when the timing is better. Remember your reasons for doing it. Big hugs xx

[Milo234]

Im really struggling after my abortion, at the time I thought it was the best thing to do, I didn't think I had it In me to bring up a child but ever since I cry every day and every night, nothing anyone says or does makes me feel any better, I am feeling so much guilt and so much pain in side, I feel like I miss my baby so much and all i want is my baby back, please can someone point me in the right direction to get some advice, I feel like the guilt is eating me up and I'm so down

[hsalomon]

Dear Emuz and Namechanger, I know these posts are nearly 2 years old, but I have been touched by the pain you both experience. I would like to reassure you that you can definitely receive healing and peace of heart. I would like to invite you to consider attending a Rachel's Vineyard weekend. You can find information about these weekends, held at various locations around the country, at //www.rachelsvineyard.org.uk. There you will find a team of non-judgemental people, at least one of whom is a trained counselor, who will help you work through your painful emotions in order to restore peace of mind. I guarantee you that it works. Women who attend these retreats, often reluctantly and sometimes many, many years after their abortion, are amazed at how restored they feel afterwards. Please do look at the website or post again if you have any questions.

[goodasitgets]

I'm loitering under a NC briefly (emuz)
I'm banned from exercise currently but I usually do HIIT, spin, weights and circuits. Oh and horse ride. Weights are my therapy

[RaRaZ]

Hey guys.

Sorry you're feeling so shit. You know, it worries me that all of us are fully grown-up people in our twenties and yet so affected by what other people say, think, and do (parents, bfs)... I wonder what went wrong to make that happen; really, it shouldn't matter: we should look after ourselves first. I think we all need to make some kind of personal resolution to do that - to do what's right for US in the future even if someone else doesn't like it. God knows we've been through the mill.

Trivial as it may be, can I suggest a couple of things?

Exercise: do you do much? I'm a fanatic and I know not everybody is, but is does wonders for my mood. I especially like running and it helps to give me a boost and a rush of natural endorphins.

Rhodiola: I had to come off St John's Wort as we're ttc again and I was told it was dangerous. My bf went to Holland & Barrett and asked for something similar that was pg-safe and got me rhodiola root. I've been taking three a day (the highest dose, as one a day did f all) and it's really helped.

Sending you both love and hugs xx

[Namechanger012345]

Hugs xxx I had a cry tonight too after a few days of not crying. I don't feel as bad as I did in those first awful weeks because its not as constant anymore but I still get waves of it when I still feel absolutely heartbroken. Still sleeping terribly hence posting here at 4:30 am. Hope you're asleep.

I've been looking after toddlers for a while this week which has been okay but I think holding a new baby would definitely feel like a punch in the gut at the moment :( Try to tell yourself you will have another baby when your time is right. I don't know your situation but I'm sure you haven't screwed your whole life up. You are still young and have so much ahead of you and everything can work out how you want it to. That's what I'm trying to tell myself.

Here's another quote which is a bit cheesy but I kind of find it comforting, definitely a nicer thought than your one!

"Everything will be okay in the end. If its not okay, it's not the end"

[EMUZ]

Not a good night tonight. Thought I was done crying but seems I'm not
I can't see a way forward at all, I just feel broken and like I'm screwing my whole life up
Someone who didn't know the situation gave me their 10 week old baby to look after the other day, I was holding him and just thinking how innocent he looked
I hate to use a film quote but I watched it the other day and its stuck in my head. What if this is as good as it gets?

[EMUZ]

29. And yeah it was the pregnancy

[RaRaZ]

Ahhh. Yes, I can understand that. My situation isn't quite the same, but my partner and I live in a flat my parents rent to us, so I've kinda had to be careful there too as they can be rather like yours in attitude. Do you mean that you getting pg upset them or you having the TOP did??

If you don't mind me asking, how old are you?

[EMUZ]

It's a very long story but if I say financially we are tied together and they threaten to remove it when I don't do as they want...
Apparently all this has hurt and upset THEM very much

[RaRaZ]

Me too Emuz, and it makes it all the worse, doesn't it? Did they send you there or 'just' talk you into it? Hope you're ok today hinny x

[Namechanger012345]

That's awful. So sorry to hear that. I'm finding it hard enough when it was my own decision so can't even imagine how you feel xxx

[EMUZ]

I've put my test and scan photos with hospital letters in an envelope and popped them away. It's part of my life and I feel like I need those to believe it happened
I can't say too much or I will out myself but I feel it was a coerced termination

[RaRaZ]

Same here Emuz :-( Crap, isn't it.

Thanks Name. Feel like shit after that tbh.

[EMUZ]

No luckily I don't. They aren't really talking to me much. But they're the reason I terminated

[Namechanger012345]

Ah that must feel hard. Sending you good thoughts. I chucked mine out ages ago but I do have a photo on my phone of 3 positive tests in a line that I sent to my friend on whatsapp the day I found out when I didn't quite believe it and was feeling all ahhhh what?!! Feel a bit weird now if I see it but kind of don't want to delete it like it never existed.

[RaRaZ]

Having a clear-out and just found a positive pg test I forgot we'd kept. Breaking my heart here; dunno what to do.

[RaRaZ]

Why, what are you parents saying? Do you live with them?

[EMUZ]

Just this really and all the arguing with my parents over it

[RaRaZ]

Hey guys,

That sounds really crap with the NHS counselling, Name . I'd say the counsellor was lacking in skills there - I've some basic counselling training myself, and it shouldn't be like that! Like you say, that forms a part of it, but it should be much more. Sorry you had to go through that - can't have made it any idea.

Know what you mean about tests - think I've taken so many over the last few months that I keep having a desperate urge to take another - even though, like you, there's no need. Odd. Keep thinking I'm way overdue to take one :-/

You ok Emuz ? Is the stress just from this or is there something else going on?

Sending you both hugs xx

[EMUZ]

I'm still here. Appear to have developed vitiligo for the first time ever. White patches on my hands, suspect stress induced

[Namechanger012345]

The counselling just seemed totally useless. She literally just repeated back whatever I had said, but rephrased it slightly and was like "so you're feeling.... blah blah (whatever I just said)". I have heard of people doing this to show you they're listening and try to make you feel they understand but it was sooooo obvious and awkward. I was sitting there thinking "yeah yeah, how is this going to help anything?!" doing this face in between sobbing at her. Not great! Felt like I would be better off dealing with it on my own. However, the other counselling through care confidential did sound like it would be better when I went to meet someone from there last week because its so focused on this issue and they seem to have a clear structure and route to accepting it and moving on, just going to be tricky scheduling it but I still think I will try with that.

Still feeling baby desperation but less panicky about it. I think my hormones must have calmed down a bit finally. Did have a weird moment in Boots earlier where I felt like I wanted to get a pregnancy test even though there is absolutely no reason why I should need to test or suspect anything

Good luck with your ttc. I really hope it happens for you soon, just need to give it a little bit of time. Hope things are on the up for all of us on here.

All alone thanks, funny you should mention muffins cos I just bought a blueberry muffin earlier that I'm going to have for breakfast tomorrow!

[Allalonenow]

Sending you good wishes Name. Keep your chin up, go easy on yourself.
Look forward to any plans you may have in the next few months, and promise yourself that you will make the most of all your opportunities.

Get as much rest as you can, give yourself a little treat every day, a muffin (!) the sweet cake, an icecream, a bunch of flowers, a book, anything to give you a small lift. Take care.

[RaRaZ]

I'm glad you're seeming to turn a corner. As you say, what's done is done. I've been trying to look at it that way too, but it's really really tough as you know. I'm finding it especially hard as I desperately want a baby now so I've found myself in the rut of ttc and panicking that I won't, and I feel more stupid than ever for throwing away the chance I had.

What was the problem with the NHS counselling? I'm sorry it didn't work for you, but glad you're getting some sleep - nowt ever got better from being overtired. Hopefully things are on the up now x

[Namechanger012345]

Thanks for asking. I'm ok. Still finding things tough but over the last couple of days I have started to feel a bit more myself again. Still not happy with my decision but trying not to be so hard on myself for it. What's done is done and hopefully I will get my chance again to be a mum within the next couple of years.

Didnt like the NHS counselling and just emailed now to say I don't want to continue with it. I got some sleeping tablets from the GP so had a couple of good nights sleep on those which helped a lot. I was a bit scared of sleeping tablets as the ones I had before always had bad side effects but these ones (zopiclone) are much better.

How are you?