Regretting abortion

[Namechanger012345]

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

[EMUZ]

Anger is good, it's part of healing. You might then feel down or depressed or bargaining "if only..."
It's normal, healthy, grieving

[Namechanger012345]

Thank you. I know everyone is different and maybe some people would have started feeling better by now and others haven't, and I haven't... I suppose the process can vary a lot and its probably normal. Im sorry youre still feeling so bad too xxx Feel like everyone is going to start hating me if I don't go back to my normal self. I'm a mess now and not fun at all, and I can understand that people don't want to look after me. Some "friends" dropped me after I had a bad depressive period a few years ago and I don't want it to happen again. I already feel alone as it is.

I did read some stuff about post abortion syndrome on the page you linked before. A lot of it does sound like how I am feeling.

[EMUZ]

I felt like I should be back to normal. Definitely not. Am not really leaving house and can't stand anyone touching me. Think some of it is hormonal though as my first period started today
Think maybe people think its easier than it is. I guess I always thought have a termination, back to normal. Isn't until you have been through it that you can appreciate the range of emotions that comes with it
If you need to see your GP and get medication or counselling then do, it's not being weak or a failure

[Namechanger012345]

I knew it would be hard and I could hardly bear the thought of it, it felt "wrong" (for me emotionally, not a judgement towards anyone else) all along so I wasnt even really truly considering it at first. I don't understand why I then went on and did it when I felt such an emotional resistance to doing it. There were all those "sensible" reasons and I somehow convinced myself that I "had to" do it.

I was at my GP on Thursday and I got a counselling referral. I will phone them first thing to arrange the appointment and I hope it doesn't take long. I really think I might need medication again but so far the doctor said she wants me to try the counselling first. However I didn't really tell her quite how desperate I'm feeling.

[EMUZ]

For me financially and practically it was the right decision. In my heart and emotionally I'm not sure it was.
Something I thought about this week (and it might sound stupid) was about people saying time heals, like a wound. Every day that open wound closes a little and you're tempted to pick at it and reopen it. Eventually it heals into a little scar, just a tiny reminder that something happened and feels a bit different but it doesn't hurt any more
Take all the time you need, you really do have to be selfish. Try and concentrate (this is what the doctor told me) on eat, sleep, get out the house every day. Anything on top is a bonus for now

[Namechanger012345]

I'm the same. Financially and practically, yes. Heart, no. I feel like I don't care about practicalities now but I know that is not completely realistic. However now I feel like it would not have been impossible. It would have been difficult but I could have made it work if I tried harder and I can't stop wishing I could go back. Obviously I can't, but how do I stop obsessing over that thought?

I know time really does heal but I know it can take me a long time. As I mentioned further up the thread I was raped nearly 10 years ago and that pain never fully healed and disappeared but it did improve a lot with time, eventually, but I was a huge mess for years. I think I got used to feeling a little bit of constant hurt that is manageable, not overwhelming anymore but always just there somewhere deep down... It's now kind of a shock to feel something so strong and raw again. I don't know how long this will take to heal and how I can carry this around in addition to that.

I think your doctors advice seems good. I should probably try and sleep now. Its light outside, birds singing... I'm supposed to be meeting my brother and SIL for breakfast at 10 and I'm not sure what kind of a fit state I will be in.

Thank you for listening and being here. It helps to know someone understands. I'm sorry you are having to go through this as well. It's so hard. Hope it gets better for both of us one day at a time.

How are you feeling now? You should be sleeping too x

[Alanna1]

I've not read all the above but I think what you are feeling is totally normal. But remember, you now know you can have a baby, its great that this seems to be making your bf pick his socks up, it IS easier to have a baby when you are through exams and more financially secure in a job and that security is GREAT for the baby. And maybe even maternity pay for you :) My mum had two abortions before she had us - she says she doesn't now regret that decision at all, having children at the best time and place for MUM is important. And with the right man for you. That's why its a woman's right to choose. Big hug, chin up, cry when you want too, do think about talking to your GP. You thought carefully about an extremely difficult decision and made the best choice you could - you will make a wonderful mummy one day as that's what you do with kids all the time and part of growing up with kids is teaching them that sometimes having to wait a bit is the best possible thing. Good luck.

[Namechanger012345]

Thank you Alanna

[EMUZ]

My sleep pattern is messed up and I have 4 days to reset it before I go back to work
I'm in a habit of up very late so then I don't wake up until afternoon then can't sleep at night. Going to force myself out of bed tomorrow morning to try and get back some routine

[EMUZ]

Posted too soon. Damn iPhones

Think I'm realising I'm stronger than I think. I've been through what they thought was an ectopic pregnancy to it not being, had 3 ultrasounds, 6 blood tests and a termination all on my own. Was a bit sad today when I realised nobody has hugged me in nearly 8 months. Craving affection but not sexual, just someone to hold me for a while which probably sounds odd. Think I've grieved but also think it may rear it's head again at some point and may have to face counselling
Not sure whether the total revulsion to sex is grief or my medication. Maybe both

[Namechanger012345]

Aw emuz, doesn't sound weird at all. Sometimes you just need a hug. Defintely normal. I would give you a hug if I could! Good luck readjusting the sleep. I'm going to try to get a couple of hours. Good night

[Namechanger012345]

Phoned to get the counselling appointment referred by my GP and just got voicemail. Phoned the centre my tutor recommended and they said they can't help me because I don't fit the criteria (age and borough). Phoned care confidential a few times and it is always engaged. I just need some help and it doesn't seem to be easy to actually get any. I know it's not a big deal to make a few phone calls but I feel so incapable at the moment that I'm exhausted even trying and failing to get anyone to speak to me.

[Namechanger012345]

Managed to get an appointment with care confidential now. Feel relieved that I have at least managed to make some kind of step to get some help. Going to try and sleep again, sorry for constantly updating.

[EMUZ]

Don't apologise
Well done. My getting up early went well

[RaRaZ]

Heyyyy. So sorry I wasn't up in the night when you two were struggling - feel like I should've been here to help; we could've all cried together so to speak. How are you feeling today? I hope you both got through it ok.

I'm having a hard day: I was convinced I was ovulating yesterday (we are ttc), but I took a digital test today and it was negative - so no arguing with that. It's been 2.5 weeks since my D&C, so I should've ovulated by now...terrified that the price I'll pay for the TOP is not being able to conceive again.

[EMUZ]

I'm ok, been to the gym and eaten well so that's good. First period since and it's a bit weird

[Namechanger012345]

Aww raraz 2.5 weeks is nothing. Not that I know anything about it but if things take a few weeks to settle down I would expect that is probably very normal? I'm sure it will all happen for you.

Hope you two are doing alright. I am feeling a bit better. A bit numb at the moment, kind of cried out for today. Doesn't exactly feel good but better than yesterday. I'm conscious I'm doing some things I tend to do when falling back into depression, shutting people out, feeling paranoid, thinking everyone is against me. At least I can recognise these feelings and try to stop them.

I said I would go back into my part time job tomorrow so I need to be able to sleep tonight. I can pretty much come and go as I like so I haven't been in for ages.

Sleep well guys x

[Namechanger012345]

By the way when I say 2.5 weeks is nothing I'm not trying to say its nothing to be upset about. I can understand why youre upset. Trying to be encouraging but not sure if it came out wrong x

[Allalonenow]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, Name, but it is very early days for you yet. Take things one day at a time, try to rest as much as you can. Your hormones will be dancing the fandango which won't help your emotional equilibrium.
Hope you have a calm night and can get some sleep xx

[Allalonenow]

I'm sorry to hear that you are feeling so low, Name, but it is very early days for you yet. Take things one day at a time, try to rest as much as you can. Your hormones will be dancing the fandango which won't help your emotional equilibrium.
Hope you have a calm night and can get some sleep xx

[RaRaZ]

Emuz : I can well imagine. I haven't had a period since 3rd January now and I'm TERRIFIED of my next one. I know everyone's different, but is yours any worse/better/heavier/different from normal?? Hope you're coping with it ok; I think it's a horrible reminder of what has been.

Name : I didn't take that the wrong way, don't worry. You're probably right...I'm just desperate for this to be a normal cycle so we can actually try for a baby and I'm fretting more and more the longer it goes on. I'm convincing myself that there's something wrong with me. Doesn't really help that after my last D&C, I ovulated and got pg immediately (lost it, as you know, but compared to that time, this ovulation seems way overdue).

Also, Name , have you spoken to your bf? Reading your posts last night, I don't like the sound of the way he's treating you. Everyone recovers at different rates and manages things in their own way, so I'm not expecting you two to deal with this in exactly the same way, but this is your bf! He should be there for you whatever, be your first point of call for everything, he should make every effort to understand what's hurting you and why, and if he still can't understand, he should hold you anyway. I'm worried that you don't have enough support at home; things seem to be very difficult for you.

[EMUZ]

It's just odd really, like the start of my period but never actually getting started if that makes sense!

[RaRaZ]

You haven't bled much you mean?

[EMUZ]

Yeah and it keeps stopping starting, brown to red... No idea what's going on

[RaRaZ]

Weird. How long since your TOP again? Mebbies the lining of your womb hasn't managed to build up much so there isn't much to lose..