Regretting abortion

[Namechanger012345]

I had an abortion nearly 3 weeks ago and I feel awful about it. I feel so much regret I don't know how I can get past it.

Night time and early morning is the worst, I just lie in bed and can't stop crying. I keep thinking about my baby and wishing I was still pregnant. I feel sick thinking about what I've done and I have that kind of hollow sick feeling in my chest like I've made a terrible mistake. I can't believe I actually did it. I spent weeks on the decision and for the first while I could hardly even contemplate abortion as a serious option. I felt so panicky and upset even thinking about it. Then when I decided to do it I think I just made myself zone out about it and it didn't even feel real so the reality of what I did didn't hit me until days later.

I feel like I ignored my emotions and gut feeling to just go with the decision that was "right" based on logical reasons, and I know they were good reasons, but emotionally it feels so hard. I know it wouldn't have been emotionally easy at all either if I had kept my baby because we would have been struggling and it would have really hurt to see my child growing up like that, so maybe how I'm feeling now is still the better option, but I keep thinking what if...

I feel guilty and sick and exhausted and ashamed of myself, and I feel so jealous of people I see with babies. I feel like I desperately want to go back and change my decision but its pointless even thinking that.

I know it's all my own fault but it just hurts a lot.

[RaRaZ]

Namechanged has put that brilliantly, OP , you should heed her words. Like she's said, there are a lot of us out there - you've found me and her already and we've been through/are going through exactly what you are. There ARE people who understand - don't ever feel alone.

Re counselling, did you have the TOP at a hospital? If so, call the ward/department and see if they offer anything in terms of counselling. My hospital does and I'm seeing a counsellor there who is also a midwife and it's helping a lot.

How was the exam?

[Namechanger012345]

Thanks

I had it at a Marie Stopes clinic. Their counselling was really very poor (I had phone counselling before hand, some guy who made me feel worse) and their aftercare was also really poor and in my case actually quite dangerous as they told me over the phone that I sounded like everything was probably fine, when actually when I saw my GP she sent me urgently to the hospital. I never want to deal with them again! To be fair the people I dealt with face to face in the clinic were nice, but I don't trust them with counselling now. My local hospital has not been great either. I am going to contact care confidential as mentioned above once I have made it through my exams and I will also see what my GP can offer or recommend in terms of counselling. I have my next doctors appointment on Thurs, which is mostly supposed to be for further gynae issues following up my hospital appt but I am definitely also going to raise the mental health issues with her.

The exam today actually ended up okay I think. It wont be a great mark but I think I passed. I was really close to deferring as I didn't feel like I could face it at all, but I talked to my tutor and found out that if I took the exam later I almost definitely wouldn't have been able to start my job as planned and would have had 6 months to wait so I just did it. I'm really grateful for that tutor. I have been venting stuff at her since I found out I was pregnant and didn't know what to do and she has been massively helpful.

[RaRaZ]

Sounds like contacting Care Confidential is a really good idea for you then :-) Do it as soon as you can - and let us know how you get on.

Good on you for the exam! You never know, you might surprise yourself and do better than you thought. ....but really, as long as you've passed, that's a huge achievement right now.

[Namechanger012345]

Don't want to call anyone to talk about it until after my last exam because I need to try to focus and I don't want to go into my feelings too much. I think it will help to talk but I think it might make me worse first. I'm still feeling so sad. I should have been 14 weeks pregnant by now.

[EMUZ]

You're not alone
I am avoiding talking because I think I might just have a meltdown. I didn't get any counselling at all beforehand

[RaRaZ]

I didn't get any beforehand either - and what makes me mad is that they could've stopped all this happening so easily as I only did it because a family member had frightened me into it. If someone on the outside had sat down and talked to me about it, they could've made me seen that I COULD do it so easily. I think pre-counselling should be mandatory to avoid precisely the situation we three (and thousands of others of course) are in.

I also think that, whilst of course I have to take responsibility for the decision for myself, it wasn't very appropriate for the staff to go ahead with the procedure for a girl they'd seen crying hysterically over what she was about to do FOR HOURS, who they had already sent away from the ward to 'think' once and who still returned in a state, and who they already knew from the day before was regretting taking the first pill. I think they should have had a duty of care to MAKE me go home/see a counsellor and return another day, not merely ask the question of someone they knew was too afraid to think about it any further.

OP , how are you feeling?

[Namechanger012345]

Sorry raraz. That sounds wrong. They shouldn't have done it if you were like that. I'm really sorry. My pre counselling was useless but on the actual day I was acting calm, numb and not quite accepting it so in my case i cant blame them as at the time they had no indication I would go on to regret what I did.

Just checked back to the thread to say I'm not really okay at the moment.

I had my last exam and feel like maybe for a bit I can now stop trying to hold it otgether in font of everyone and just take some time to acknowledge how i feel, which is horrible. I have doctors appointments again on Thursday so I'm hoping it will be helpful if I speak to her about the depression coming back which im scared it is, but it might make me worse because I'm supposed to be seeing her about the supposed endometriosis (don't tknow if I talked about that on this thread or only my other one in family planning about my side effects)

[RaRaZ]

I'm not surprised you're not ok; you've had an awful lot to deal with and no time to actually face how you're feeling. Now your exams are out of the way, don't be afraid to cry, break down, hide away, whatever you need to. It's ok to let your emotion pour out, and you'll probably feel better for it.

Do you have an understanding doctor? Tell her about this - to hell with what you're 'supposed' to be seeing her about; if the depression and the aftermath of the TOP are more troublesome to you right now, make sure you tell her that and get help for how you are feeling. Wishing you all the best x

[EMUZ]

Hi lovely. I think it does get better. I hope so anyway. The tablets my doctor gave me are helping, I don't cry as much now. Had a sad moment doing my follow up pregnancy test when it (obviously) was negative
You are doing amazingly just to do exams, I'm still off work at the moment as not sleeping well and struggling to face people
I feel like I want to hide away a lot. Can't stand bloody Facebook either, every time I go in and see a scan photo or a congratulations message I just want to shout "where is my congratulations, I got pregnant and can't talk about it"
Missed my coil fitting appointment so I have to go for that but I am seeing the woman I had my coil consultation with. She made it better when I explained the situation by just holding my hand and saying "it's shit, isn't it?"
I can't even think about sex, it feels dirty and wrong to me, can't stand the thought of anyone touching me
Sorry that was a mass of text
But and I think it's the whole grieving thing plus a massive hormone crash and all your emotions. I bought a ring which says "this too shall pass" on it and when I wear it, it's like a little reminder of my pregnancy and that things will improve

[Namechanger012345]

Thanks for your encouragement xxx

I've been crying a lot and I do think it helps in a way, kind of just to allow myself to feel my emotions and not bottle everything up. Everything still feels very hard but I'm glad I at least have my exams out of the way and hoping I have passed.

My doctor is nice and understanding. I suppose my appointment tomorrow is a general catch up. I primarily booked it because a doctor at the last hospital appointment when I had a scan and internals to check for retained products wrote on my notes that I have endometriosis (without saying anything to me!) so I need a follow up on that. Last time I spoke to my GP I was really very upset about everything so I don't think she will be surprised if I tell her I'm not coping well. The endo thing just makes it worse because when I first saw that on my notes I had a huge panic because I don't know much about it but had just heard of it as something that can impact fertility so I felt even more regret about my decision as I would never have done it if there had been any question of me having a condition that could cause me fertility problems in future. I felt like what if I have thrown away my only chance. I have calmed down about that for now because I've heard it is often not very serious and the fact I got pregnant by accident shows my fertility is probably not awful but I'm still a bit worried about what will happen with that.

I do still wish I had changed my mind. Trying not to think that as it can't change anything. My friend upset me because she clearly thinks its stupid that I wish I was having my baby and was having a bit of a go at me saying like why am I saying that because I wouldn't have had enough money and we would have had a crap life... I know it would have been really hard and that was a big part of my decision but now I feel like if I had gone with my heart we would have managed somehow and I don't want to be lectured about it as if I'm an idiot for how I feel.

Emuz I know what you mean about the negative test. When I saw my empty scan when they scanned for retained products it felt horrible thinking last time I saw it there was a tiny baby blob and now nothing :( and this morning I threw up (drank too much yesterday...) and it made me feel sad because I felt like I should still be having morning sickness not drinking til I'm sick

I like your ring idea. There is a piece of art I want to get to remind me of this baby and hopeful future babies. It's nothing weird like not a big pic of a baby or anything... No one else would know what it meant.

[EMUZ]

I know exactly what you mean with the change of mind and what your friend said
I guess it kind of feels like you can't talk about it or express that you wanted the baby in any way because people say "oh well you made your choice"

[RaRaZ]

Sorry OP , do you mean you didn't know you had endometriosis till you saw it written on your notes?! If so, that's bang out of order on the doctor's part. Really sorry to had to see that and find out in that way - but a lot of people do go on to conceive without problems, and I reckon you're right in that seeing as you've conceived accidentally once, hopefully you can conceive if and when you want to in the future. My understanding is that endometriosis doesn't usually render you infertile unless it's severe.

I'm also angry at your friend now too....I think that was an exceptionally uncaring thing to say. Right now, that's not what you need to hear, and I think your friends should be LISTENING rather than voicing their opinions too much. You're very right: it would have been hard by the sounds of things, but that doesn't mean that you couldn't have done it and done it well, and it certainly doesn't mean that you shouldn't wish that you still had the option to do it. I know I do.

I think your art idea is lovely :-) I plan to get a tattoo with the dates of the babies I've lost (had an mc too).

[Namechanger012345]

Yeah exactly I had no idea about possibly having endomiotriosis or anything like that beforehand. The doctor doing the check ups after was mumbling something about me having some kind of adhesion but when I asked her she wouldn't tell me anything about it, then after my scans and internals I just saw she had written it on my medical notes! After seeing my GP today though I feel reassured that I actually probably don't have it. I don't really have any of the symptoms and my GP says the scan info does not show anything suspicious at all. So she is unsure why the other dr even mentioned it, but she says I shouldn't be concerned, so that was really reassuring. The extra worry about fertility problems was making all this harder so I'm glad I can forget about some of that.

My friend is trying to be supportive and trying to remind me why I made my decision, so I don't want to be angry at her, but sometimes I do get frustrated with some of the comments.

I'm being referred for counselling. The GP wants to hold off on anti depressants for now and see if I can work through my feelings before going to medication, which I think sounds reasonable. Hopefully I will get a decent counsellor who can help. Had another good cry at my GP appointment today and a catch up with my tutor who saw me the other day when I was in a complete state before my exam that I wanted to defer, and she says I seem a bit more together, so I guess I am improving even though I still feel really really sad. I am starting to sleep a bit more at least, which does help.

Hope you guys are coping too and things are getting easier x

[RaRaZ]

That's shocking! I honestly can't believe the conduct of doctors sometimes! What happened to 'First, do no harm'??? How about mental/psychological harm?! You really can't go scaring people like that! I think that's dreadful, but I'm so glad that in all likelihood you're fine. Makes it worse that the doctor did that though.

I know what you mean about infertility worries. I'm convinced that I'm not 'fully' fertile in that I don't think I ovulate every month. I have no evidence whatsoever for this as yet, but I'm convinced of it and it's driving me to insanity as we are ttc. Now, obviously, I got pg to need the TOP. After that and a subsequent d&c, I got pg again and sadly lost it in a mc. So clearly I can get pg, but now we're trying and I should be ovulating now I think, but the home poas tests show I'm not and I'm beside myself, convinced that I won't be able to get pg. I really NEED to be pg again before the due date of the 'original' one (October) and I dunno how the hell I'm going to cope if I'm not.

I'm glad you're getting referred for counselling. How long will that take? And is it with a specialist maternity counsellor? I was lucky enough to get in straight away with a midwife-cum-counsellor who deals with women who've lost babies at any stage and for any reason. She's been really good at helping me understand and come to terms with it. Mind, I've still got a long way to go - had a complete breakdown and took an od the other night. I just wish I could turn back the clock.

[Namechanger012345]

I'm so sorry about your od. I can understand why October means something to you but I think you should try not to put so much importance on that date for getting pregnant again because you don't need extra pressure and extra hurt attaching to what is already a painful date. Still October is quite a few months away so there is every chance you could be pregnant again by then, or soon after. I really hope you get your baby. Stay strong. How long have you been trying? Cant have been many months yet? I know you probably feel really impatient but you will get there. A lot of people take a while. Really very sorry about your mc too x

My due date would have been December 13th. I hope I am coping a lot better by then but I'm sure that day will be hard. I'm still feeling baby crazy like every cell of my body just feels like I need a baby, but I have to keep my logical head and remember why I made my decision, and I know it's not a great idea for me to plan to have one until I fully qualify in my job, which will be 2015 and feels forever away...

The counsellors I'm being referred to are part of my GP surgery. My GP reassured me they are good and I should try. She said they should get me in within a couple of weeks.

I'm also definitely going to try care confidential. I have been looking around for different counsellors and organisations that either offer therapy in general or specific post abortion counselling and it doesn't look like there are that many. Care confidential looks the most promising. My tutor found me a place that does counselling for women on any topic but it doesn't look like I'm eligible to go because I'm technically not in the right borough. I will still ask though.

Slept terribly again last night because I was googling to find helpful organisations and it seems like there are a lot which on first glance look like they want to help you, but when you look in more detail they are slyly disguised pro life sites, which seem to want to use people's pain and regret as something to take away other women's choices with, kind of saying "look at these people and their mistakes, don't abort because you'll feel devastated like them".. I do think it could be made clearer how difficult this is emotionally e.g. Personally I felt that counsellors and advisors did not necessarily acknowledge it enough and were too keen to just tell me I could abort and would not be doing anything wrong but using peoples grief like that seems wrong to me.

[RaRaZ]

Thanks :-/ I feel like you do: desperately needing a baby and doing everything I can to have one. I've gone mental on supplements and I'm considering buying Clomid online as I'm not sure I ovulate every month. I've also got home poas ovulation tests and I'm going crazy with worry cos I haven't ovulated yet and I 'should' have done. We have regular sex anyway, but I'm terrified of 'missing the slot' and I'm worried about having a period (first one since January) and how the f I'm gonna cope with that and everything it means. I'm desperate to be pg again. I think that's partly why I spend so much time on here: it's a way of immersing myself in all things pregnancy- and baby-related.

I think you're being sensible with regard to timing starting a family for once you've qualified, but bear in mind that once qualified, presumably you'll need to find a job and won't be able to take maternity leave for at least a year... I'm planning to train in something different once I've finished my current studies, so I'll be hopefully starting uni again in 2016 and I want at least one child, preferably two, before then. So I kinda feel like I need to do it quickly and I'm terrified that maybe my body won't co-operate.

I might look into Care Confidential too... Do they charge? I can't afford anything :-( Good luck for your counselling.

I agree with you totally about the lack of info you're given about abortion. I found that no-one wanted to answer the 'hard' Qs - I found out most of what I knew from the internet; medical professionals just wanted to tell me it would be easy and over before I knew it. I also feel that they shouldn't have let me go ahead in the state I was in - I feel it was very obvious that I wasn't emotionally ready to make that decision. x

[Namechanger012345]

This is care confidential www.careconfidential.com/Default.aspx I can't see anything about fees on the page but they are a charity so I'm assuming they will be free or just ask for a small amount.

When I qualify I will hopefully get a permanent job in the same firm (most people do) so I would be able to take maternity leave any time without having to wait and build up entitlement to it. People might be a bit if I did get pregnant straight away on qualification and go on mat leave but it makes me feel better to know that from then on I could much more easily do it as I should be in a much better situation to have a baby. Obviously also depends how my relationship develops as well. Good that you seem to have a supportive partner who wants to try.

How old are you by the way if you don't mind me asking? (I'm 26) I don't know that much about fertility stuff particularly but have you been to a doctor about it just to check if you're worried you're not ovulating?

[Namechanger012345]

Still feeling completely shit. I was supposed to go to a party yesterday but I really really didn't want to so I decided that I wouldn't because its too exhausting trying to act like everything's fine and like I'm having fun. My friends don't understand. I don't want to drink a lot because I was starting to want to hurt myself when Im drunk and its scaring me.

I just wish I could turn back time and change my mind :( I know my reasons were "good" and maybe in the future I will eventually be glad I did this but now none of my reasons are making it feel any easier and I don't feel like they are enough. Just feel like I hate myself for what I did. Emotionally I knew I wanted my baby so I don't know why I gave up so easily. Looking back at things I wrote when I was deciding I clearly knew I wanted to keep it and was desperately looking for ways to make it work so I feel like I shouldn't have given up. I had planned so much - it would have been very hard but not impossible. I know it's no one else's fault and was my decision but I just wish someone had tried to tell me I could do it. I was basically surrounded by people telling me I shouldn't have it and I felt like they thought I would be a rubbish mum but I shouldn't have cared what they thought. I wish I had just given myself some extra time and listened to my emotions :( Maybe if I had spoken to my mum and sister it would have helped because I think they would have supported me in wanting to keep it.

I feel selfish feeling how I feel because we wouldn't have been a perfect family and I don't want a hard life for my children, but none of that changes the fact that I still want my baby so so much and I wish I hadnt done this it all just really hurts.

Can't believe I did something so huge and permanent if I wasn't sure.

Sorry for venting here but I haven't been given a counsellor yet and I don't know who I can talk to.

[RaRaZ]

This site is for venting I think - in one way or another, we all are. Don't feel bad for using it like that :-)

Sorry you're feeling so bad. I know exactly what you mean - I think what bothers me the most is that no-one actually turned around and told me not to be so stupid when I was thinking of having the termination; like with you, everyone I told seemed to think it would have been a majorly bad idea to have a baby and no-one had anything positive to say about it. It's really hard to know where to turn when all you need is for someone to say "It'll be ok" and no-one will, and, without putting words in their mouth, you can't even prompt them to say it. Why didn't you tell your mam and sister? Perhaps you were scared of their reaction... I told my mam and she was the one who pushed me into the termination. I wish I'd never told her. Sometimes the people you think will act in your best interests actually don't.

Maybe it would have been ok for you. I tend to think now that anyone can make it ok if they try hard enough. But what I think you need to work on accepting now is that what's done is done. You CAN'T change it and you can't turn back the clock no matter what you do. It's shit, it hurts, and you'll probably never forget it, but you have to use it as the toughest lesson you'll ever learn and move on and have that life you want to have. Carry on with your studies, do well in your exams, get that job you want, and above all SUCCEED - because you can. You feel like you've made a big mistake right now, but that's not a reason to throw everything else away. Form that life you want to have and make yourself ready to have that baby and that family you want. Next time, everything will be perfect because you want it so much.

If it makes any difference, the 'baby' (foetus) didn't know what happened. You haven't hurt anything or scared anything. Your body doesn't know what happened either; it thinks there was a spontaneous mc. Only your mind knows what really happened, and your mind can heal and learn from its mistakes.

I'm 24. We hope to have a baby next year now. My GP won't do anything atm, but if I'm still not having regular periods in a couple of months, they've said they'll take bloods to take my hormones. I've just got a positive result on a poas ovulation test though :-D So I guess I'm ok for this month. Shame I'm loaded up with cold, but we'll try anyway. Fingers crossed. I'm really scared of not being able to get pg again and having months of unwanted periods like so many people do. I'm not sure I could cope with that after everything that's happened.

Please don't hurt yourself, OP. It won't change anything and it won't make anything better, but you risk entering a cycle of self-destruction. You're obviously an intelligent and motivated woman; you must know that that's not the way forward. Keep talking. Make sure your bf knows how you're feeling too - I stopped telling mine because I thought he was sick of hearing about it, but turns out he wasn't at all and genuinely thought it wasn't bothering me any more. Ask for help when you need it. Take care hinny x

[Namechanger012345]

Thank you

Im glad you keep replying and someone is listening but I feel really alone. My boyfriend is being unreliable. He was supposed to come over after he finished work, which is always late but he said he would be here by about 11:30. Now past 1 am he has not showed up nor replied to my texts. I feel like he is completely taking the piss. He knows I am not feeling good. We talked about it a bit this afternoon when I saw him for a couple of hours. I feel like he "tells me off" when I cry. He can't deal with emotional people. In one breath he says its okay, he loves me, lets have a baby in a year etc... then he says things like I have to move on or else I will lose him. I told him that is a really horrible thing to say and how can he say that?! (Ok now he eventually called at like 1:20 and apologised, still at work, left phone downstairs etc.. whatever...)

My friends are also losing patience with me. I know I'm not fun to be around but I feel like they are sick of trying to support me. One friend has actually been a good support. Another has not really done anything and barely asked how I am. I briefly talked to her today when really at a low. She was surprised I even felt bad, seemed a bit like "get over it", told me she had to go and would call back in 10 min but never did.... And then I ended up apologising to her. Wtf.

I feel like I'm in a hole that I can't get out of. I can't enjoy anything at the moment. I can't see any way to make any of this okay. I feel like in the future maybe everything will be okay but I don't know how to eat from here to there when currently I have fucked everything up so much and I can't fix it.

[Namechanger012345]

Get from here not eat from here!

[Namechanger012345]

Really really low, I called the Samaritans, not sure what I thought they would do. I spoke to some lady who was quite nice but she couldn't really do anything. It kind of helped a bit just to talk but obviously they can't change anything. Today has been one of the lowest days. Feel completely hopeless.

[EMUZ]

Are you ok? I know you're not but I'm up if you want to talk

[Namechanger012345]

Thanks. Just feel so angry with myself and with everyone. People keep telling me I have to move forward but how?!?!

[EMUZ]

Just read your other post. You have NOT fucked everything up. You have a right to feel however you need to feel whether that's angry or sad. And you also need to let yourself grieve. It's not been long at all, I am still off work following mine
I howled and howled for weeks, couldn't face anyone. I had to go to the GP in the end and he's given me medication because I was so low
There is something called post abortion syndrome, it also is similar to PND because you had all the pregnancy hormones and now you've had a massive crash
Ignore anyone who says you should be over it or doing this or that. Be selfish, this is about your feelings and NOBODY can tell you how you should feel or how long to feel like that for