Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

6 hours! You've done amazingly well and you're on home soil. Just the last little bit now

bravo!

you are a star!

Champagne is in the fridge - can't wait for you to get home safely!

6 hours is nothing compared to what you have already done.

Best of luck getting help when you are at home, please let us know how you are.

for your homecoming!

Well done!! You've done so incredibly well, and just a few hours to get through now. Let us know when you're home safely.

Yippee! You're back on home turf! I'll get the kettle on for cups of tea and biscuits all round and then we'll crack open amazingmum's champers.

Seriously, really, really well done my dear.

Home!

Good! Glad you are home safely, you have done so well! Have you managed to get an appointment sorted yet?

Well done, you deserve a medal!

No they close at 5 and I'm only just back. Not the kind of stuff I could talk about in the train. Will try and talk to someone tomorrow. Dd2 was so happy to see me. Just waiting for dd1 to get home.

so happy for you! Welcome home have some or and !!

You got through a really tough time, and shown what you are made of - well done and wishing you a happy night with your family tonight and a speedy return to a more even keel in mental health terms. xxxx

So so happy that you're home safely!! You thought you couldn't do it but you have really proven to yourself that you can get through the really tough times. I hope you enjoy spending time with your family tonight, and that you manage to book appointments tomorrow.

I remember you said earlier in the thread that you worried you might stay disconnected and act like everything's ok even though it's not. It would be fantastic if you were instantly completely settled and normal at home now, but remember if it still feels bad, we're all here for you, and you have all the support you need in RL life. I have such faith that you will be able to work through this and return to stability as you were before. We're all cheering for you!

You're home, fantastic! Well done, how are you feeling ?

Great. Looks like I've got food poisoning.

and breathe out...

so happy you are home safe and sound, I'm so relieved I'm welling up!

so so proud of you!

Champagne anyone, let's celebrate!
you did it, you are amazing!

Are you sure it's food poisoning? When did you start being ill? Hope you're ok.

OP how are you? Are you being sick?

sorry, just realized it was x-post!

, I think it was actually Quetiapine withdrawal. I only took 200mg instead of 275mg on the flight last night as I wouldn't have been able to walk in a straight line. I took 25mg and it stopped within 30 mins.

I'm having second thoughts about speaking to the CMHT tomorrow. It's so hard to talk to a stranger, even though the psych has left a record on my notes. I could go to my GP, but she'll probably just send me over to the CMHT. Or I could tough it out to Monday. I'm set on auto-pilot and am putting a face on it so I think I will probably 'look' OK to people who don't know me. The ironic thing is that the worse I feel, the less distressed I become. Anyway, I will stop prattling. It's good to be at home. (Except my Mum is talking ten to the dozen at me and I really don't have the mental energy for it.)

/

medal

Glad it's not food poisoning then! That would have been a crap reward for finally getting home!

It is really hard to talk to a stranger, but unfortunately it will always be hard the first time. With this kind of illness I personally wouldn't advise "toughing it out". All that is doing is internalising your feelings and could very likely make things worse. I think just going for it and talking would be the best option, but you know yourself better than I do, obviously. It won't be easy, but then neither were the last few weeks, and you managed those. You could see your GP before you see CMHT, if that would help?

And nice medal amazingmumof6 ! Wish we could send you a real medal dontrun, you really do deserve it!

Welcome home!

I managed to hide my depression and anxiety from others for years, but the issue is how you feel yourself.

You must be terribly exhausted, but if you can manage to see the CMHT and just tell them what you've been through, I think it would be the next best step. You are home and in a safer place but this still needs to be dealt with. Perhaps it's just too much to think about now, just enjoy being at home for now!

Just waiting for the duty worker to ring me back after speaking to pdoc. Struggling like hell. Couldn't sleep last night. I kept drifting off and then dreaming I was hanging and waking straight back up again. Signs and messages today.

It seems that that you can't take jet-lag anymore. About those signs etc. You are aware of them so they could just be obsessive thinking because of your sleep deprivation. You are suffering from jet-lag again after coming back, again... Hopefully you get good sleeping pills from your doc.