Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

oh, and try to drink lots of water, if you are nicely hydrated you'll cope better with jetlag and all.

go girl!

oh sod them all, I'll sit next to you!

keep posting, I'll be checking back as much as I can.

you are almost there!

Ignore anyone who looks at you. Who cares as long as you are on that plane and flying home?

Thanks amazingmum. dontrun think of all those people naked and have a bit of a giggle!

You ARE nearly there, YOU are a fighter. Think about the happy faces waiting for you at the other end, think you said you dds? Hmmm...think about their warm cheeks and let it warm you and calm you.

Flight delayed by an hour. No way to make the connection. Looks like the other two flights out are full. Next flight to London tomorrow. Another. 24 hours. Sat here trying not to cry.

Oh, dont. Where is the connection? Can you at least get on your flight and then be somewhere different getting another flight back to the UK?

Oh no. You must be gutted. But a day will pass, you will be home soon. Thinking of you.

If you geton the delayed flight you'll be in Chicago right? May be that the UK flight also gets delayed, or a seat becomes available on the next flight?

Keep hanging in there, you are doing well. You can manage the final push. The delay is a shame but you can do it. It's a short amount of time compared to the amount of time you had to wait when you first posted.

Hold on really tight, and you will not fall. Is there a chaplain at the airport? Someone perhaps to connect to?

Oh you poor thing. Hang on, you are nearly there. You are incredible to have survived the last few weeks, you will get through this. You will be home with your girls soon.

Oh I'm sorry to hear that dont, it must feel like a huge dissappointment but if you can get this far, you can make it through an extra 24 hours. You can do it, you're bloody amazing. Don't forget, as vulnerable as you might feel right now, an amazing amount of strength and courage is required to have coped with your mental health issue. You have been an inspiration, and I will remember you when I need to draw strength to deal with my own mental health issues.

I am so at that woman calling you a drama queen, especially if she really is a MH professional!! I don't want to believe that it's true, I'm sure she is just an unkind and ignorant person.

Got on a later plane so will just be two hours late. Will try to regain composure after blubbing my way to the ticket desk.

You're doing grand.

Back on track! See, it was meant to be, you coming home now.

Blub away! You've worked really hard the past few days x

And to welcome you home.

Oh my goodness, you're doing brilliantly, you keep on in there, girl, and get through this journey one step at a time. You're keeping an amazing positive attitude here, even when things like nasty ignorant internetters make unhelpful comments, or flights are delayed and connections slip. So pleased that you're on the way home and that the journey continues...

...also, when you arrive in London and you go through the gates, just imagine a whole gaggle of MN-ers jumping up and down and cheering you on. Cos we totally are. x

Bolshiecow, that's so sweet & I echo the sentiments. You are doing great and you are an inspiration. I've been blubbing at airports foe much less reason than that. You are on the final leg of the journey now & the goal is in sight. Travel safe & drink plenty & let us know when you get home. Take care x

true that bolshie!

(btw good teamwork people, so far so good!)

[thumbs up emoticon]

dontrun
I hope you are having a good rest on the plane, we've got everything crossed for you!

you can do it, you will get home soon!

So happy you're on your way home - you can do it!! Really would be waving you in if I were anywhere nearby! Even if there are more delays you can cope, don't doubt yourself. You've done so so well.

You can still talk on here when you're at home too. I hope you get appointments soon. I'm sure things will ease when you are home with surroundings and people you know.

So: music, trashy magazines, snacks, water...anything to keep you going. I'm currently lying in bed (can't sleep) smiling like an idiot, as I'm so overwhelmed by your strength and how far you've come. I know it's been terrifying for you, but let this be a sign to you that whenever things get really tough, you have proof you can get through it. Let us know when you land/or when you're at connecting airport if there's wifi there. Good luck for the final journey home :)

Today is the day you are home!

Thank you for the cheers. Lovely to read when i put my phone on. In London waiting for the connection. Everything else on time now. Another 6 hours and counting.