Feeling suicidal, on my own, and a very, very long way from home

[dontrunwithscissors]

I have bipolar II, which was diagnosed after having my second daughter in 2010. I had a tough time finding the right medication, but finally stabilised last November.

Over the last 2-3 weeks I've been back to struggling. I've been waking up on a morning like someone's sitting on my chest, oh-so tired, and just struggling through every hour. Now I'm slipping down in to feeling suicidal. Everywhere I look, I see ways of hurting myself. I'm starting to obsess about one particular way and just can't get it out of my head.

My problem is that I'm in the USA and on my own (for 12 more days). I've got nobody to talk to, nothing to distract me, and no way of getting help. I'm trying to stay rationale. I'm making myself leave the hotel and go do the work I need to do, but it's hard to stay in control of these thoughts. I've had moments of feeling very detached, like I'm floating, which I know is a pretty bad sign. I already feel like I don't exist.

I haven't got a clue what to do. I know that I'm not at risk of doing anything right now so there's no way I'm going to say anything. I'm only able to talk to my husband for 10 minutes when I ring to say goodnight to the kids. It's busy and my parents are in ear shot. So I just need to get this out somewhere as it's building up. I feel very isolated, alone, and helpless.

offers a hand to hold

Sorry to hear you had a rough night - and so glad that you've reached out and are getting some help today. It might take a wee while, but I'm confident that you will get back to a comfortable, stable state before long. These long journeys and time-zone shifts are tough for anyone, let alone someone who's been through what you have...

Have you managed to eat today? Even a and a might help bring your blood sugar up and give you a boost.

But the main thing is - you're home! And you're safe. Good luck today.

I hope people don't mind if I keep prattling on? I'm trying to keep busy but can't read. I've spoken to the duty worker. She tried to get me seen earlier, but pdoc is away. I see him on Tuesday, though. Going to GP later to get something to help with sleep.

I didn't post about this earlier as I was so confused, but I so nearly didn't make it back. I have a memory of attempting, but I think maybe I hallucinated that part as there are no marks. I'm still . I'd certainly gone as far as preparing and writing notes. How horrible.

I was looking forward to being back. I thought that would make it better, but I feel just as bad. Can't cope being aound people. I can't tell my parents as they would be devastated. They've got the TV on and I keep hearing messages so I'm pretending to be sleeping, even thoug hevery time I fall asleep I dream that I'm dying and jolt back awake again. It feels like torture. I'm gutted. I thought I wouldn't be back here again after the new med's.

Of course we don't mind! Keep on posting here - we're all cheering you on and sending positive vibes your way.

It must be so scary to be in a situation where you're not sure what's real. And I'm so sad that you may have been so close to attempting but hugely relieved that your survival instincts were stronger. You have been so strong throughout this, you're amazing.

Could you say something to your parents? Not necessarily everything if you're not feeling up to it, but a little - if the TV is distressing for you, then you can ask them to turn it off. I know they might be upset, but they would be more upset surely if they thought you were trying to struggle alone when they might be able to help, or at least understand?

I might try to get them to stay another day. They're knackered--they've found it very hard (physically) to help look after the girls. They're in their 70s.

I'm gutted it's getting worse. I was hanging on to getting home, but I just feel worse than ever. Haven't got a clue how I'll make it through the weekend. Haven't got a clue how I'll make it through the next hour. Seeing GP at 3.30. Maybe that will help.

I feel like the world's worst mother to have spent so much time away from DD2 and then I'm hiding out up here.

The GP will help! And you'll get through the weekend like you have the past days - an hour at a time, if it's getting bad. But remember that here in the UK, you also have access to all the MH support that you need, crisis teams and CMHN and so on. You're not alone and you don't have to go through this alone.

And as for being the worlds worst mother...you're not. She'll be happy that you're home but wee ones don't have that sense of time or perspective that adults do, so there's no way she's sitting around thinking 'i can't believe mum's been upstairs for three hours...'. You're doing what you need to do to be the best Mum you can be.

Could you maybe read her a story or do some colouring together? That might help take your mind off things, without being too intense an activity?

Hi dontrun,

I know it is hard, you are nearly there. See the Gp this afternoon and explain, if you find it hard to explain print out your opening post from here - it will be a good starting point.

Are you near any other mumsnetters, is there anything we can do to help?

Just remember that you are not alone and you will get through this!!

you are not the worst mother, you are ill!

would you call yourself a bad mum if you couldn't do anything because of a broken hip? no

please try and let go of guilty feelings.
also just tell your parents that the tv is too loud, you are not feeling well and trying to rest.
that is acceptable!

good luck with GP app.

and keep posting, we are here, as long as you want to talk to us we'll listen and hold your hand!

(hugs)

Got some sleep meds from GP. Shook like a leaf the whole time. Really hope they work. Parents are going to stay another night and help look after dd2.

Good luck dontrunwithscissors

You are exhausted and still jet lagged so of course that is not going to help how you feel. Sleep deprivation alone can bring on hallucinations! The combination of catching up on sleep, the jet lag wearing off and being at home will definitely help.

Can I ask, have you been completely honest with your GP about how you've been feeling? I just can't believe you could be feeling this low and you're not getting any kind of emergency treatment? I know the sleeping pills will help, but surely someone more qualified should be looking into this? I'm so sorry you've been through such an awful time.

Don't be disheartened. You've been well and you can be well again. You are an amazing mum and you can tell the kids you're not well, it's just nice for them to have you in the house I'm sure. Every month I spend at least a day curled up on the sofa with menstrual cramps and can't even talk to ds, I'm a single mum so he has just had to occupy himself for the day.

Your health is top priority - over your dc. Just focus on doing whatever makes you feel better, and just get away from that TV, you shouldn't have to put with that. If your parents can't really understand your situation with your health, just pretend you have flu or something, but they need to know that you're not well.

Keep posting, I know that one day you will post to tell us you're feeling so much better. With your strength, courage and determination - I am confident you can get through this!

Thannk you everyone. Didn't sleep much better last night. I kept having the same dream of me hanging myself.

Spoke to duty worker and she's referred me to Acute Response for weekend support, but they're so busy they can only probably do telephone support. But at least there's someone there.

Getting closer by the minute, but still can't bear the thought of hospital. I'm not even sure if I want to be stopped. Poor DH is going to be under such pressure. His work are being b's and the last thing he needs is this again. I'm going to sit down tonight and tell him he has my blessing to go and take the kids if he can't manage this. It's the least I can do for him. At least then. I'll be free to end this.

I'm sorry your sleep is so disrupted, it makes everything that much harder. Have you got anything you can take to help you sleep? Keep talking to people.

dontrun I'm so so sorry to hear how bad you are feeling. But you will always, always be important to your family. Your husband and children love you and want you to be there, part of the family. Your feelings are not telling you the true story. Please believe me.

I strongly recommend that you seek urgent help from qualified professionals. Show them what you've written above. If it's coming to this then you do need some active help to stabilise the medication and get the chemicals in your brain in order again so that you can see things as they really are.

If it takes admission to hospital, then please do that. Because you are so strong and vital and important - you deserve to get through this and so do your family. Those lovely daughters of yours want their mum beside them as they grow up and I think you want that too.

This is not your fault. It is an illness you are experiencing. As someone said upthread, if it was a broken leg, you would seek the medical support needed to fix it, wouldn't you?

If your husband's work are being unhelpful then suggest he get in touch with Citizens Advice to see what you are entitled to in the way of help and what his legal situation is. He will want to stand by you and see you getting better again. And you will get better. This, the way you are feeling, this is not forever. It does get better. You will get better.

Please, ask for help, ask your family to help you get help, and don't stop until you are getting it.

xxx

He won't let me .

He won't let you what, dontrun?

I just don't think your GP/duty worker realise how bad you feel. You need to tell them. dontrun, the part of you that says you want to end this, is not the real you. You will know that one day, when you're feeling better and look back on this. How you're feeling right now is not how life really is, your perspective is skewed. You do have a life worth living. You children do need you, no matter how much you convince yourself otherwise.

Please, take the steps needed to get the medical attention you need. Get better. Then you can be in the right frame of mind to decide whether your life is worth living or not. But don't end your life when you are feeling your worst, you're not giving your life a fair chance that way.

dontrun those feelings you're having aren't you, they're the illness. They are not real. I know it's so hard to tell the difference when you're in that dark place but please trust what you knew before this - that your family love you and care for you and need you to be around. They don't want to lose you, they would be devastated. It's so common for people who feel suicidal to think that their families would be better off without them - the fact that this is such a common feeling is proof that it's the illness talking, not the person. You are loved and cherished.

Please tell your GP/whichever professional you feel able to tell how bad it's been and that you're having these feelings. They will help and make sure you are safe. Please remember this is temporary. You said things have been stable before when your medication is right, and when your medication is balanced and you've had time to readjust, things will feel good again.

Keep reminding yourself that you got through a tremendously tough time abroad, and you can do it again now. You are strong enough. Please keep talking to us, we'll always be here.

How are you dontrun?

I agree with everything Sugar and bolshie have said.

I have felt suicidal before (have had 2 attempts in my lifetime). Each time, I was convinced it was the right thing to do. I was convinced that people I knew either didn't care about me or would be better off without me. I truly believed it, that was my reality. The suffering I was going through was so bad, that death was the only way I could think of stopping it. My mind played tricks on me, but it was my reality. It's so hard to distinguish what's real and what isn't, in that state of mind.

But now, I am better and I know that death wasn't the only way, and it would have been the wrong choice to make. Friends and family would have been devastated. And all for what? Because within a few months, all those suicidal thoughts had gone. I began to enjoy life again, and I never thought I could be happy, ever again. The illness makes you think like that. It's not true.

You absoloutely can get better, you can enjoy a normal happy life, and your current reality can just evaporate into thin air, leaving you relieved that you did not go ahead with suicide.

He said he wouldn't let me kill myself. I just feel like he will get used to me being gone in time.

I phoned crisis team last night, but they didn't ask about my plans and I couldn't say. Pretty useless. They said they'd phone back today but I'm not holding my breath. So I'm alone. I'm laid in bed listening to music to block all the thoughts and messages out and posting on the web with my phone. I'm just at a loss. I keep going back and forth and setting things up and walking away and telling myself no. Trying to make it through until my appointment on Monday but it seems a lifetime away.

Aw, dont, of course he won't let you kill yourself, nobody wants that to happen. And he would not, ever, get over it. Neither would your daughters. They love you and they want you to get well again, not take yourself out of their lives forever.

I'm really worried about you, especially when you say that you're setting things up.

sugar and whethergirl are both talking sense - please re-read their posts? What your thoughts are telling you just now isn't real, and when you are feeling better and your condition is stablilsed, you'll be able to see that. Right now, though, please believe us when we tell you that this is not forever. You can and will get better. Hold on.

I do hope that the crisis team has phoned you back - but if they've not, please phone them again yourself. Don't wait to get help. You don't have to wait until Monday. You can ask for help right now.

The sooner you are stable, the sooner you can be back enjoying your life and family again. Would it help if you wrote down how you're feeling and the messages you're experiencing and read that out on the phone, rather than wait for them to ask the right question to unlock your plans?

I'm glad you're doing what you can to distract yourself and I really hope that you start feeling better soon. Suicide is not the answer, dont - you have lots to live for, even if it doesn't feel like it right now.

Im so sorry you are having to go through such a horrible time.
You did incredibly to get through that trip.

For what its worth I think the journey/jet lag/pressure of being away from home/ lack of sleep just really whacked you.

If you can try and hang on t the fact that you were well enough not very long ago to arrange to business trip to the other side of the world - and you went - on your own.

This is a hideous time you are going through - but it will pass. You've got to just mark the time till that happens. Hold on.

Thinking of you.

Can't sleep but exhausted, so this post will be short and sweet (and probably not make much sense!).

Please focus on the fact that it is this illness that is making you feel these horrible feelings. Your DH (and family) would not be better off without you and he (and rest of family) would not get over it easily. Repeat this every hour/every minute if you have to - it's the truth. Try to think of it from another point of view and imagine your husband was in your situation. You would know that what he was thinking wasn't real, despite what he said. It feels so patronising to say "you don't know what you're thinking, dontrun", but these horrible illnesses take away our logic and our rational thinking. Don't fight life, fight the illness.

Please try your best to open up to your DP and all professionals you talk to - they will listen to you and help you. Have you spoken to Acute Response yet this weekend? I know it feels so scary to talk about these feelings, but there will be no judgement, only support. If you feel really desperate, call them immediately. That's what they're there for.

And offload everything you want to on here too, we're all here for you. You can tell us what you're really feeling, even if it's awful. I know sometimes you can feel as though you don't want to let people down by saying how bad you're feeling, but all of our/DP's/professional's focus is on getting you better.

Your life is extremely precious, and nothing can replace it. You can get through this, just as you got through your time abroad.

Thinking of you dontrun. I hope some of what you are reading here is helping and giving you the strength to ignore your impulse towards suicide.

It's shit how you're feeling, it really is. I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy. I know it feels unbearable, but it's just a matter of time until you feel better. Please get some help, tell them you have started making arrangements to kill yourself, they need to know how serious this is.

Still thinking of you. Please continue to post on here as often as you need, even if you think it's just ranting about what's going on in your head at a particular moment...we're all here to listen and help.

Hope you are alright dontrun and have at least managed to get some more sleep xx