Contemplating suicide

[BengalTiger]

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

I get that feeling after Christmas and parties and things, weird because I'm not unhappy day to day, just get flat after the excitement. Can you look forward to the next thing?

A couple of things but I don't feel the motivation anymore. Like before the weekend I was really looking forward to trying to putting on more weight and play basketball again. Now I can't be bothered. I just feel deflated.

Got any more counselling coming up? What if I dar you do do one thing tomorrow about looking in to how you can put weight on?

Didn't have one this week but got another next week. And go on . . .

what do you think you would find manageable target for this week?

What do you mean?

If you are up for accepting my challenge for achieving something towards your goals this week what do you think it could be?

I honestly don't know lol. What do you have in mind?

I'm not sure - its supposed to be a challenge for you some sort of walk or exercise every day. plan a menu and fitness programme to put weight on, contacting sports club about joining, arrange to meet someone you haven't seen for ages, ring someone you haven't spoken to for ages?

Hello BT. I've been on Mumsnet for a while but don't often post. Sorry to jump in on your chat with cjel but I just wanted to say you're amazingly brave and strong and sound like such a lovely person. I do wish you the very best.

Hello Crisps, great to have you -jump in anytime you like you are welcome.

@cjel - I starting planning a menu for what I should eat last week but didn't finish it. And I was also supposed to try out for basketball this week. I guess those could be goals.

@crisps - Thank you. You made me smile.

Ok BT, when do you think you do menu by? Do you want t o go to basketball this week or just contact them when to arrange you can go?

Tomorrow if I really will myself to do it. It's not much really. And nah just contact. No way I'm just turning up.

@cjel,thanks

@BT keep us posted on how you get on with the competition. You write very well.

You've had some really good support from some wonderful people on here, I don't think I could add anything new but I am glad I made you smile

Will say goodnight as I have an early start at 5am - the joys of work(!)

Sleep well

ok you're on!! see how you do - it may not seem much so next time you can challenge yourself to more
Remember there is no penalty if it isn't acheived

Hi Bengal,

I haven't time to read the whole thread, I'm sorry, I've just read your opening paragraph.

I just wanted to tell you that when I was 16 I felt very, very suicidal.

I felt in such emotional pain and I thought if I committed suicide it would end the pain.

What stopped me was reading somewhere that suicide does not end the pain it just shares it out amongst everyone who was close to you, and I didn't want to do that to my family.

Now I'm a lot older and I look back at that time and think how absolutely terribly awful it can be to be 16. But it will pass, if you just keep on each day. It did for me. Little by little things got better. I met people more like me in time, and so became less lonely. I got more independent, so I could make more choices, and my life became more interesting and so I could lay off the daydreaming.

Please don't give up as life can get so much better for you.

@crisps - Goodnight. And thanks again.

cjel - Thing I've been reading about weight gain and basketball might be a hindrance. Cause it involves a lot of running and jumping, it's a sport that burns a lot of calories. I need the opposite of that.

@armadale - Thanks for posting and sharing your own experiences. It's helpful to read about other people who have experienced this feeling not only cause I know what it feels like, but reading about how you were able to get past it and move on and live life gives me hope.

Are you still around bt or have you gone to bed ?

i'm still here.

Armadale - if you get chance to read it all you will find what an amazing person BT is
I'll have a chat to my son for you, hes been through phases of putting on weight, he uses protein shakes and recovery shakes, they are like milkshake but stink and make him feel ill! but I think its good to exercise but you have to load the right sort of food as well. when in marines training they are on 10,000 calories a day. They have four cooked meals and kfc and mcdonalds before bed as well. Its almost impossible to fill them up.

Hope you have a good sleep thinking of food

Haven't been on my iPad till now. I have been upstairs playing one of my new games on pc ! So what did you do on your little break ? I see you have felt a bit down last couple of days. I think that is to be expected really. Everything can't be fixed in a few days as the feelings ou had were quite severe. But despite the fall back ou have made enormous strides in the right direction. Very proud of you !

@ Cjel - Wow. That's one heck of a menu. Bet your son put on loads of weight. Thanks for asking your son about it. Appreciate it. Night. Sleep well.

@lin - Cool you like the games :) Yeah I know what you mean about stuff not being fixed overnight. I'm not feeling suicidal so that's good. Anyway i'm exhausted so gonna sleep. Have a nice night.

Glad to hear that, chat soon , goodnight