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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 01:08

@ballyhoo - yeah I have another session on Monday.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 01:08

Night BT hope you get to sleep now x

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 01:21

I hope you'll be able to sleep soon. You are a really special person. I don't know what your future holds but I know it's going to be good. You've been through a lot and you're going through a lot but you are being so strong.

Caster8 · 01/08/2013 07:35

Sorry to hear about what happened to your mum. Glad she felt able to tell you.

Often life is not black and white. Often people judge other people, but nowhere near know anyone's full story. There aer often if not good, then understandable reasons why someone did what they did.

cjel · 01/08/2013 08:00

Morning BT , Pleased to hear that your mum has spoken to you about everything that went on, It must have been so difficult for you to hear, although in a strange way was because you were loved so much that she left not because she didn't care.
They say the truth will set you free so I hope you can both now be free to grow as you should.
Hope you won't get this till much later and you have had a long restful sleepx

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 11:29

Hope you finally got to sleep. It's horrible when you feel so tired but just can't drop off. Any. Plans for today at all ? We have a lovely sunny day here today so hope to get out in the garden. I will be fine unless I find a slow worm out there ( dose t happen often) did I tell you that I am helping with a survey about flying ants ? When they decide to come out I have to catch two and put them in a test tube and send them away. I have no idea what they will glean from this, will be interesting to see. I hope they don't fly too fast or I won't even catch one !
Have a better day today, see you soon.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 16:44

I didn't do much today - I went for a walk and entered a writing contest. And I got a new PS3. My mum came back from work and surprised me with it. I feel a bit bad cause it was stupid of me to break the other one, plus PS4 is out later this year.

@lin - where do flying ants even come from?

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 16:48

By the way what's the minimum age for gyms? I've been looking online on forums and it seems to vary.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 01/08/2013 17:04

ha! Us parents try to be helpful, but we are sometimes not clued up enough when it comes to the latest gadgets are we! Smile

Caster8 · 01/08/2013 17:05

Domt know enough about gyms. The gym at our local leisure centre used to have a lot of sixth formers use it. Not sure if that helps you at all?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 17:12

My ex's granddad told us that kids these days are "lazy gits." He said that when he and his mates wanted to play footie, they would go out and play it on a field whereas kids these days play footie on the PlayStation. It's not our fault there were no videogames back then!

That helps actually. Sixth formers in most cases range from 16-19 so I'm in that age range. On the forums I checked up some people went to the gym before they were 16 but they were restricted from doing certain things - weights, etc. I wanna do cardio and weights.

OP posts:
Caster8 · 01/08/2013 17:30

Times change. People, not so much I dont think. I remind myself and DH sometimes to move with the times. It is very easy to say "it was not like that in my day".

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 17:50

I know what you mean. It's the same with music. My mum always complains about the music today - in a way I get it cause my dad used to listen to a lot of 70s and 80s stuff and I got into it too - but at the same time she can't really complain, cause the music she used to listen to and love came about cause it evolved from other kinds of music over time. If music didn't change over a period of time then I think we'd still be listening to people beating sticks against rocks.

OP posts:
CatsAndTheirPizza · 01/08/2013 18:40

Hello BT, in the gym I go to there are teenagers, but I think they are a bit older than you. I'm not sure when the body is able to start taking the strain of weights tbh - I'm sure if you google there will be something there. I think we have a gym for solely your age locally, but I'm not sure it includes weights.

You're sounding positive today Smile

CatsAndTheirPizza · 01/08/2013 18:42

The jury seems to be out on-line as to what an appropriate age is to go to the gym - I'd ask your doctor to be safe. I think it can be damaging to life weights too young.

CatsAndTheirPizza · 01/08/2013 18:43

lift weights

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 18:53

@ Cats - good idea on the doctor suggestion. I've looked online about weight lifting and age and it all varies. The weight lifting I have in mind isn't the kind the world's strongest man does - just something to put on a little meat. I feel like I'm a bit too skinny. Plus I plan on playing basketball again and the position I wanna play in usually requires the players to be the tallest and the biggest on the court. I have the height but not the muscle.

OP posts:
Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 18:56

Lol @ people beating sticks against rocks. Re gyms - I think strength training using weights is fine but body building etc isn't supposed to be good for you till your skeleton is mature, I suppose about age 18-20. I am sure you could find out more from a gym fitness instructor.

There was a thread today in chat about music from the 90s - that's what I was listening to as a teenager! Grunge first and then the Britpop explosion. But I was into music from the 60s, 70s and 80s too.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 19:01

@ballyhoo - strength training is what I wanna do. Never been into bodybuilding (the body building fanatics look like their muscles have been filled with helium). Just wanna be a little stronger and just put on a few extra pounds.

My mum loves 90s music too. She always listens to "Bitter Sweet Symphony" by the Verve.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 19:38

Hi bt I have no idea but in my town they have been out today, I have collected my two samples and frozen them ! I think ants are clever insects. Lol to beating stones with bricks ! I cannot imagine a life without music, it's always on here. I hate a dead quiet house.i even leave it on sometimes when I go out !
I don't know anything about gyms I'm afraid so can't give you any help there. That was nice of your mum to buy you new ps.
How are you feeling today ?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 01/08/2013 19:49

I can't imagine life without music too :)

And I'm feeling optimistic today actually. I'm looking forward to doing a few things.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 20:20

I am overjoyed to hear you say that bt I can tell by your postings that things are different. Must be such a feeling of relief for you. You can do the flying ant thing online , I don't think you have to catch one.
Well my two are well and truly frozen and in the envelope ready to go off !
It's been a strange sort of day today with one thing and another. Glad it's cooling down now.
Are you feeling calmer now that you have some answers ? Been a difficult couple of days for you hasn't it

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 20:21

Also apply to see that you are going to take up basketball. Can only be for the good for you. Such a lot you have to look forward to

mummylin2495 · 01/08/2013 20:21

Apply = happy !

Apileofballyhoo · 01/08/2013 21:24

Forgot to say the writing comp sounds cool. Bittersweet Symphony takes me back a few years! I used to listen to a lot of music but I don't much now. Must get back in the habit. It's good for the soul.