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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
Selks · 07/08/2013 08:02

Hi Bengal just wanted to let you know that when this thread reaches 1000 words it will close as that's the max allowed on mumsnet, but you'll be welcome to start a new one to continue the conversations you're having, just choose a thread title that will be recognisable to the folks on here and you can continue.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 21:17

Hey selks. Thanks for the heads up. Hope you're cool.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 21:19

Had a shootaround on my own in basketball today. Made 5 of 5 shots which is 50% shooting. Which in a real match is good. Although it's much harder to score when someone is defending you and I didn't have that today. But oh well. Was nice.

Cjel - I got the menu planned.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 21:43

Hi BT how are you today, spirits lifted a bit ? I have been out tonight for dinner with 2 of my brothers and dh. We do this every week. But sad.y this week was our turn to pay. Glad you have put a plan in place. Will give you something to strive for. Don't forget the new uplifting title when you start our new thread !

mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 21:48

How is the relationship with your mum? I would think its a relief for her to get things of her chest at last. You should be very proud of yourself for how far you have come the last few weeks. Sounds like your basket ball was fun and you did well. How tall are you ? It would be no good for me I'm only a short arse at 5ft 2" ! Someone would have to.lift me for me to be a able to shoot a goal! Grin

Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 21:55

Every week? That's a really cool tradition.

And me and my mum are cool. It is a relief to finally know everything, even though it's been hard. She watched a footie match with me today and it took me about 10 mins to explain what the offside rule is. I don't get how people find it difficult to understand lol.

You don't have to be tall to be a basketball player. Average height in the NBA (best basketball league in the world) is 6'6 but one of the greatest ever players was only 5'8. Though in certain positions height is a necessity cause the players are on average from 6'10 to 7'2. And I'm 6'0. If I played the pros right now I'd be a considered a short arse too lol.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 22:05

I have been to my ds. My dgs and my dh footi games. I have had the offside rule explained so many times and I still don't get it ! And I still watch gs play on Sundays now. And I also seem to be talking when the goals get scored. Everyone laughs at me and says " did you see that goal " usually I answer no ! My brain will not accept footi rules at all , so your mum is not alone on that !
6 ft would be considered short Shock then I would be a midget ! Mind you I am not any good at any sport. Didnt like competing in anything apart from hurdles. Had to play hockey at school and the only bit of that I liked was the bully off ! I think it was always to cold for me. I freeze on the touch line watching gs. He is a good player and last year was managers.ayer of the year. Before that he was papers player of the year ! So I was very proud of him. He is about 6ft 1 I think

mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 22:07

We have been meeting up once.a week for about 6 yrs. my mum started it and even though we have now lost her. We have carried it on we try and go somewhere different every week. Whoever is paying gets to choose where we go

Apileofballyhoo · 07/08/2013 22:11

Hiya BT - good to see you seem in better form. I think any active sport will build your physique as long as you eat plenty of good foods. So if you like basketball, go for it! I was thinking about this today, wondering why sprinters have a completely different physique to middle distance and long distance runners - do they have to have bigger lung capacity or something? It's very interesting. Swimmers have that kind of big chest too. I remember reading about Michael Phelp's diet a few years ago, it was amazing how much he ate.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 22:26

@lin - Well I would try to explain now about the offside rule but it would take me too long lol.

Cool that your gs plays a lot of footie? What position does he play if you know? Judging by his height I'd say either a centre back, central midfielder or striker.

I think it's really cool how you do that once a week. A nice homage to your mum :) Good on her for starting it.

@ballyhoo - Sprinters I think are built for power cause that contributes to short bursts and that's what sprinters are all about cause they compete in races that are finished in 10 and 20 seconds. Whereas with middle and long distance runners, it's not about power but stamina and having a thin body that burns less energy, weighs less and has less gravity pulling it down helps conserve stamina I think. Swimmers have HUGE upper bodies. I think that's cause the upper body is the part where they generate the most energy for swimming. Think about it when you swim - arms, chest, neck and shoulders are the ones that you use a lot. I know what you mean about how much these guys eat. One of my favourite basketball players is 6'10 and weighs 265 pounds of muscle. You know those feasts medieval kings used to have? Like a massive table filled with food all for themselves? That's basically what this guy ate 4 times a day.

You're right it's very interesting.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 22:35

I'm not sure what position it is , but I do know he plays in defence mostly and sometimes midfield. I would not like him running into me !
I would never be able to eat all that in one week yet alone one day. Oh my god I would end up like a wee lee short , fat and round Grin I am very small and not at all built for sport.
But I do love to watch athletics and I have to say I was entranced by the Olympics last year, I watched every single sport, things I have never watched in my life before. I loved it all and especially the para Olympics. What an inspiration all those athletes were. I wish it was on again this year
I hope you will go on to join a team if that is what you would like to do.
When will you hear any results about the writing competition ?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 22:42

Definitely a centre back and a defensive central midfielder then. 5'2 is a perfect height for gymnastics! :)

The olympics were cool. I wish I'd seen some events live. Would've been awesome. And I hear back from the writing comp in a month's time. Don't think I've won cause there's loads of applicants but it's a start I guess.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 22:47

Ha ha, I don't think so somehow. I would end up breaking myself in half !
Dosent matter if you don't win this time, the fact that you even entered is good, and you def have a talent for writing so keep at it

Original poster
BengalTiger · 07/08/2013 22:51

Thanks.

Anyway I'm gonna go play a game on the PlayStation then go to bed. Hope you havea nice night and sleep well. Same goes for everyone on here.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 07/08/2013 22:54

And I have just gone on my pc ready today my game ! Night bt see you soon

cjel · 07/08/2013 23:03

Hello BT, Probably be tomorrow when you get this now. I had gc all day then went to openair pool to meet others then took dcs home and fell down the stairs!! my lovely daughter stood at the top of the stairs as I bounced down on my backside and shouted 'stop'!!!! I think I would have if I could have!!!
I am very sore and achey so sitting down for the next few days could be interesting!!!Smile
Couldn't go to bed without seeing how you'd got on today. Well done for doing the menu. What sort of things are you eating?

mummylin2495 · 08/08/2013 21:33

Hope you have had a good day BT have you done anymore basket ball today?
Had a busy day today , so am already yawning ! But I won't go to bed until about 2 ish, I am usually a night person and prefer late nights and late mornings. Although I do have to be up at a reasonable time tomorrow.
So anylans for th weekend at all ?

mummylin2495 · 09/08/2013 11:07

Are you ok BT ?

CatsAndTheirPizza · 09/08/2013 21:39

Hello, wondering how you are doing?

mummylin2495 · 10/08/2013 13:26

I hope your not posting is because you are busy and enjoying yourself rather than that you are in a low place again

cjel · 10/08/2013 21:04

Hello BT have you been on your eating plan this week? How are you doing?

cjel · 11/08/2013 21:35

Hello BT. You ignoring meSmile?

mummylin2495 · 11/08/2013 22:07

bt please let us know you are ok. Even if you just write one word. We are getting concerned for you

Apileofballyhoo · 12/08/2013 22:06

Hi BT, just hoping you are ok. Thinking of you.

cjel · 12/08/2013 22:10

still here when you want us BTxx