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Original poster

Contemplating suicide

992 replies

BengalTiger · 11/05/2013 02:44

I know this site is for parents, and i'm nothing close to a parent (I'm 16) but I'm in a situation that very much involves the subject of parenting. So I thought with this being a site for parents, maybe I can get some insight.

I'm a lad and I don't know how to tell my mum that I'm constantly fantasising about suicide. My relationship with my mum is pretty complex. I'm biracial (she's white and my dad was black) and my parents split up when I was 6. Well my mum ran off to say the truth. My dad raised me but he died in January.

After not hearing from my mum for 8 years, she finally got in contact with me and my dad when I was 14. He didn't want anything to do with her but he said she was my mother and I should hear her out. I did. She was married and really wealthy. I wouldn't say I and my dad lived in poverty but we never had all that much either. It's weird cause I've never been angry at my mother for leaving me and my dad. She said she was really sorry for everything and I forgave her.

In the last 2 years we saw each other and went out and that. My dad died from a heart attack so now I live with my mum and her husband. In the last 3 months I've been overwhelmed with thoughts of suicide. My mum has been wonderful to me but unlike with my dad, I can't talk to her about really personal things.

And the truth is that ever since I was really young I've always been a self-loathing person. I don't know why. I just am. I don't have friends really. I prefer to stay on my own (somthing my mum doesn't understand) and most of the times I daydream, pretending that I'm a different person.

I just don't know how to tell her all of this stuff. I find it difficult to open up to anyone. I could only tell my dad about the most personal things in my life. Now that he's gone and I don't have anyone to tell.

I've been looking up suicide methods online and I'm constantly thinking about my death. I have some rope that I intend to hang myself with. But last night I came across a story about a mother who lost her son to suicide and I cried cause the whole thing basically destroyed her.

I don't really want to put my mum through that, but then again, life at the moment feels like hell. Waking up in the morning is terrible - the only respite I get is when I sleep. When there's nothing for me to think about. And that's why death is so alluring.

i don't know what to do.

OP posts:
cjel · 01/08/2013 22:06

Hello BT, what was the writing you had to do for the comp? Don't think gym is recommended for bodies that haven't developed yet. It might cause more problems than its worth.although weigh bearing builds it can also damage. Afraid you may just have to wait to bulk up!! Eat a lot and move a lot should help for now!!My son has used gyms a lot and said there is no way that any of the pumped up blokes get that look without drugs,(He has a degree in sports conditioning, rehabilitation and is a sports massage therapist) He also said that it is funny to see them pumping up in the mirror in the gym, they don't work on the whole body and have disproportionate neck, chest and arm muscles that they can't move properly and tiny little legs cos they don't bother working on them!!
I couldln't live without music I love to have a good cry or a good dance around!
Pleased to hear you actually looking forward, have you seen ex at all?

whethergirl · 01/08/2013 23:12

Smile I'm so glad you've had a better day Bengal.

Was thinking about your mum. She's great, trying so hard for you isn't she. I'm so glad things have worked out for her, the addiction years must have been terrible. It's good you didn't witness it really as that kind of stuff can really screw you up. I mean, I know you were still affected...but at least you don't have memories of your mother during her addiction. Your dad sounds like he was the best dad too.

mummylin2495 · 02/08/2013 10:15

Have a good BT bet you have been playing on your new ps! I have had two more games arrive this morning that my dh bought for me. They day you should get through one in 12 hours ! We will see.
What is the competition you have entered ? Did you have to write a story or something factual ? Chat soon

Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/08/2013 11:05

Hey everyone. Sorry for just disappearing yesterday. We were having problems with our internet modem. Anyway I'm off for the weekend with my mum so I won't be on here. Hope you all have a great few days.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 02/08/2013 11:07

@lin and cjel - I entered a screenwriting competition. Completely fictional.

OP posts:
mummylin2495 · 02/08/2013 11:07

Have a great weekend BT enjoy the time together

cjel · 02/08/2013 12:44

Wow sounds very important 'screen writing' well done.

Hope you have a lovely weekend, are you going somewhere you like?

Apileofballyhoo · 02/08/2013 12:52

Hope you have a great weekend, BT Smile

cjel · 03/08/2013 14:00

Hello BT, I've just done something really of character!! My life plan has been to complete 5yrs at college to train for a career I'd like. Completed first course then having year off(marriage breakdown, moving 3 times, 2 deaths and prem grandson in last year at college), Anyway 2nd course starting in Sept. Heard I hadn't go finance option I would have preferred on thurs and felt relief that I won't have to go to college!! I had been worrying about somethings but determined to go anyway.

Well yesterday I started to browse for jobs and saw one I'd love everything right about it but applications closed - so I've emailed and asked to be considered anyway!! Last time I had interview was 32 years ago!! Had thought I had at least 2 years before looking for work so not sure what I'm doingSmile

I hope weekend away has been successful.x

londone17 · 03/08/2013 20:59

Hope you're enjoying bt.

catherine19 · 03/08/2013 21:21

Oh Hun! All I can say it that I had years of really hating myself, still do! But I came through it and u can to. It's just one of the ways we are all different.
Loosing a parent is one of the mos stressful and hurtful things, and in diff ways u hav gone through it twice. I hope u find someone to talk to. I to recommend the phone lines and ure gp. How bout friends? Or writing things down? I'm sure ure mum wud want u to talk t her and remember although leaving u was wrong she found u again (my dad never did that!) she Wundt want to loose u. U hav a life ahead of u and things will get better.
U are so brave and quite clever to post in here! Please please keep posting so we no u are ok x x

mummylin2495 · 04/08/2013 00:30

catherine If you read back a bit you will see that bt has now spoken to his mum and also seen a counsellor. Things are on the up for him

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 04/08/2013 19:11

I've been lurking here but felt I couldn't add to the fantastic support and friendship that has been offered to BT.

However, based on her last post, I would like to nominate mummylin as the next Secretary General to the United Nations.

Respec' m'am!

cjel · 04/08/2013 19:14

I'm stalking you from thread to thread BBB, that made me laugh!! very diplomatic mummylinSmile

BewitchedBotheredandBewildered · 04/08/2013 22:40

Subtle I thought, darling! Grin

mummylin2495 · 05/08/2013 00:22

Accepts her new post Grin

Homebird8 · 05/08/2013 06:48

Hi BengalTiger, I hope your weekend away with you mum was fun. You know, I think Mummylin is right and things really are on the up for you. Smile

I spent the weekend in a very sporty way. Three hours travelling to and watching DS2 playing hockey on Saturday morning then five hours watching DS1 and DS2 in the sea scout swimming gala in the evening DS2 made it to the freestyle final for his age group but so freaked out at the thought of being so far out of his depth in the water (he's used to being able to put his feet down) that he cried and ran to me for a cuddle. That's what us mums are for. I'm sure yours secretly loves it if you give her a squeeze even though you are a bit bigger than eight years old.

I'm still going with my swimming lessons though I'm finding the back stroke a lot easier than front crawl. Both shoulders are decidedly dodgy though and I hurt in several places today. Shouldn't it be as effortless as it looks when really good swimmers do it? Hmm, more practice needed I think.

cjel · 05/08/2013 21:28

Hello BT how was you weekend, Hope it was good and you are feeling OK? Did you see your counsellor today?

cjel · 06/08/2013 21:24

BT = You still around?

Apileofballyhoo · 06/08/2013 22:03

Just thinking of you, BT.

Original poster
BengalTiger · 06/08/2013 22:16

Hey everyone. I had a great weekend away. Been kinda down last 2 days but I'm okay.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 06/08/2013 22:19

@cjel - it's really cool that you stepped out of your shell. It's awesome actually.

@homebird - In a few years' time your son will look back on it and laugh about it. I remember the fear of the deep end when I was in primary school. Like a monster or something. It was really thrilling when I finally was able to swim in the deep end all alone.

OP posts:
Original poster
BengalTiger · 06/08/2013 22:22

@cjel - And no I haven't seen my ex tbh. Atm I don't think there's gonna be anything between us cause I have a lot of mood swings. Up and down constantly. At the weekend I was really happy but now not so much.

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cjel · 06/08/2013 22:25

Welcome back stranger, glad you had at least a little while that was good. Probably wise not to have stress of gf if you are moody, never a good look in a boyfriend.
Anything trigger bad mood? was it just the comedown from good weekend?

Original poster
BengalTiger · 06/08/2013 22:26

I think it was a comedown from the weekend. I had a really great time. Nice to be away.

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