that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Vicar what a shitty day :( could you get signed off again for a while longer?

I so wish you were next door for a cuppa and a hug Vicar .
All of us actually in one lovely calm helpful village .

Desperate you feel I do understand .......but stupid OH NO NO. Conscientious yes in your work always . Do not beat yourself up over the nobs you work with . Bullying is going on here big time . One instigator and the rest are sheep . Scared to be the next victim .
Vicar keep a diary now please. Write down everything that has happened since your return . This will be dealt with once you are able to go ahead with a complaint with your fucking awful force mentality . This is bullying and needs to be addressed asap .
Speak to your fed rep about no assistance with court and the comments .

This job is destroying you . Time to get some legal advice and challenge the culture in the police that saps a good female officer of her will to go on . In your own time of course . BUT do it if you can once out of that toxic place . It is awful to think of you working in that workplace .

Vicar your wellbeing and mental health is crucial not just for you but your family . Your words soar when you have been with your beloved horses [ah me too ]. Maybe it is too much to find work with them that pays the bills but there is other stuff out there that will make you so happy and give you strength.

I left work when I was shouting help in my sleep evidently for months beforehand my DH tells me . You are very versatile and open to new challenges . How does your husband feel with all this hurt and worry re your son and you being so upset ?

There is another path to walk down Vicar honestly there is .

I so feel for you re your son but others like Estelle are more aware than me re options .

Hope the new boy ratty is settling in with his harem of the jewel sisters xxxxx

whats even worse - the more i think about it - is that my immediate supervisor wasnt there first thing - so that means someone has said something to him about being "late" and giving the person the garden equipment- i think they thought it was mine and it was being fixed or something - i was actually just trying to help out a colleague and give some unwanted stuff away that was cluttering up my garage.

it means someone has seen me, and then waited till supervisor got it and told them.

wtf? team work my absolute arse.

sorry x posts - basset your words are like a hug.
thank you.

i cant believe that they are doing this to me, i was off for 5 months with depression and anxiety and all i asked for within a month of being back was help with court procedure and getting there.

thats it. but now because they have me pegged as a witterer (which i openly admit to being because i am so out of my depth) its like everything i say is scrutinised and analysed.

if i call the fed rep i am just going to get a reputation for being a whiner.
(on top of being a witterer)

i just feel like ive lost the will to live. tonight i am tired, deflated, feeling very down again.

the only people who asked if i was ok were off another group.
i feel my lot may have taken satisfaction from me being upset - and thats an awful thing to think, but i do think it.
i feel cut out of conversations, banter, anything. i feel like i have to watch everything i say from now on. ive started to eat at my desk while checking stuff on the computer.
i need to stop talking.
its being held against me because i talk myself through things.
and now no doubt today will be held against me too - i will be seen as weak, with an undisciplined son, too soft, rod for own back yadda yadda yadda....i can sense it all.

and i know im not just being paranoid. i listen to the talk all the time and there is just no room for someone like me.
i feel like im sounding horribly negative and im not meaning to, but its just too hard.
and now i will be more harshly judged because i cried.

Vicar I really don't know what to say :(

Your work colleagues sound like really nasty b***ds! Dealing with them is enough to bring the strongest of people down. Words fail me when it comes to actions of some people.

Not sure to say about the rent situation but find out all the facts first and get practical advice on what can be done.

My day hasn't been too bad but my one hope today is that you sleep well and tomorrow is a better day for you. No one deserves the crap you've been dealt by others.

You are not being paranoid or stupid. Your colleagues and supervisor should be supporting you to do your job. It is bizarre that no-one is prepared to give you guidance with the court procedures considering what a big issue is being made of police evidence, etc in the press just now.

Defo agree that the uni will probably be willing to let you pay in installments.

Chin up love. Have a rat bath x

vicar

There is little I can say that hasn't been already said. Frankly, I would leave your job if you possibly can afford it. As for DS, you need to come to an arrangement - you might be able to spread payments, and he should certainly be repaying you. (Reminds me, I must have another go at my own DS (24) and the money he owes me - I really did hope he would make arrangements to repay off his own bat, but sadly he hasn't seen it as a priority)

Vicar - I can't help but feel that you were pressured into returning back to work before you were ready :( I feel you are more than up to the job but you are still unwell. To be fair, the uni thing would have totally floored me so i don't know how you even managed to get through the day. Someone up thread said that they should have highlighted this beforehand, can you find out if they corresponded with your DS about this? They will just have to be flexible about repayments! Blood from a stone and all that! You wont be the first person that has cried at work, you wont, and even a job like yours were you are supposed to be "tough" then i suspect lots of people do. For all your complaints about the job, you never complain about THE JOB! Just the way you are being treated by your team - i really think there is a bullying issue here, again someone else mentioned a ringleader, possibly team leader? Everyone else being sheep and scared for their jobs and general shits! Tell me, is it all the bullshit you hate? What about the actual job? Dealing with the public etc? Is that still enjoyable? Only you can decide what you want to do, but i really feel a step back might be needed, its their fault for pressuring you to come back. Remember there are other options, you are worth so much more than this!

vicar I am not for one moment suggesting you are not up to the job of policing. I do think that there are many lines of work dealing with people that would welcome your experience as a working police officer, and put it to its best use.

Am very rusty, but probation? paid work for a charity? something to do with prisons? Or, and this is probably not feasible, the mounted police ?

i dont know what to do. im still crying. i dont want to go in tomorrow but i have to go, i cant afford not to go.

this is the absolute pits.

i am scared. i am scared of going to court and scared of getting lost on the way and being late.
i am alone with this and there is no getting away from that fact because no one is going to help me.

i am scared now that i will look weak and pathetic. my supervisor didnt have a clue what to do when i sat and roared. he looked uncomfortable and embarrassed.
i felt uncomfortable and embarrassed.
and this will be held against me.

ive spoken to ds. he dropped out of uni in april so didnt get his final student finance payment.
thats why he didnt pay the rent.

If you were to wake up tomorrow with swine flu (no im not wishing you ill!) there is no way you could go to work, you would take sick leave. So you absolutely CAN take the day off tomorrow if you can't face it.

ok my lovely some thoughts

Is there anyone where you used to be based who you can contact re court procedure ? Your mentor maybe?
Ask for some advice here on the legal board or put call out in chat for someone to pm you ? There are lawyers and police here I think.

Re getting to court on time . Maybe do dummy run . Or drive to nearest point you are comfortable with and get taxi. I was exactly the same re worrying about similar at work so just got taxi and put the cost down to worthwhile for my sanity and nerves . You dont need the fretting over parking etc .

You do not have to put up with this anymore . If you go to work tomorrow it is because you choose to . I know that sounds crass when financial issues bend your arm up your back . But at the end of the day your health and well being is crucial . But life will go on and you will find your place of work that will inspire and make you happy . trust me the old witch that I am !

You have an inner core of steel you know and huge integrity Vicar .
No one can ever take that away from you .......no bullies or snide comments from those who are probably shit scared they are next in line .

I used to imagine myself in a cocoon or bubble of kindness when feeling like you do . Really imagined it around me . Try it when you go to work next if you do . Untouchable and surrounded by the regard of those who love you and value you. Carry a pic in your notebook of your horses or the rat girls to ground you in your worth and merit to this world.

that shift are not worth cleaning your boots on love. xx

my mentor clearly did not and does not want to be my mentor.

i told him today what had happened. i asked to drive so i could learn the way

he said no
as soon as we got back he threw the keys at me and said "here is your car back" and fucked off. he is pissed off with the organisation and does not need extra hassle - he was sent back onto shift from a nice cushy job in training. he cant be arsed. he doesnt want to know. he makes that very very clear.
my problems are mine alone.

i hate this. i was with him when i attended a job where mother was having probs with her adult son - i think he had SN.
he had let her tyres down and i noticied and told her.....to the ire of my so called bloody mentor who wanted to keep quiet so as not to have more work.
thats my mentor. who doesnt give a shite. who talks the talk but really wants a quiet life.

bollocks to it all. pissed off with it.

And your mentor is paid by our taxes to mentor snd guide you and help you be the best police officer you can be. He is paid by the country to do that as part of his job. Nice to know he is taking it seriously.

Nice to know he is spending our taxes wisely wanker.

I don't use that word often. But he deserves it.

Once again I am proud to be a part of this thread. We have had a quiet few days but when shit happens to one of us there is always someone around to offer the tissues and wise advice. Like bassett (I think). I just wish I could pop round and make you a cup of tea...or open a bottle of wine...and stroke your hair in a soothing way whilst you just curl up and let it all out. What shift are you on tomorrow?

No list tonight. I haven't done much. I did go to a mn meet though and met some great people...even if I was very scared. I'll talk about it tomorrow though.

I'm heading to sleep now. Ive had a couple of rotten nights sleep. Lots of tossing and turning. Sun in the sky early (and no nap today)

Night all. Hugs flying through cyberspace.

I know you have an awful lot on your plate Vicar and I worry that you are going to relapse if you continue in this job. I can't remember exactly when you started the first thread, but towards end of last year maybe? You were ill with depression and anxiety and over the months that you were off, we "saw" you gradually get better, even though the prospect of going back to the police job was hanging over your head.

Re court. I think Bassets idea is a good one - do a dummy run or better still get there by bus/train and taxi. You could go into the public gallery of the Crown Court to familiarise yourself with the building and watch what happens during the proceedings. I imagine you are being called as a witness for the prosecution and the defendant is pleading "not guilty" though quite often they "go guilty" just before the trial, in which case you would not be called to give evidence.

I have a lot of experience of court work but not in relation to criminal proceedings, only child/parenting relation proceedings, but I think the format is the same. The thing you have to remember is that it is not you on trial. You will possibly be intimidated by the Court, as most people are when they are unfamiliar with it, and you will see barristers swishing about confidently in their ridiculous cloaks and wigs.

I imagine that Counsel for the Prosecution will "set the scene" and you will be called to give evidence. I am assuming you were the arresting officer here Vicar and the barrister acting for the Prosecution will I think ask you questions. Sorry I am making a lot of assumptions here, because I haven't ever been involved in criminal proceedings. I don't know if you are able to look at your notes or whether you have made a statement to the court. In child related cases, all statements and relevant documentation are put together in a big lever arch file and it is known as the "court bundle" (I once knocked this off the shelf in the witness box!) I imagine the days have gone when PC Plod got out his little notebook and read "I was proceeding along Crap Alley and......."

The thing that most people are concerned about is cross examination and if the defendant is pleading "not guilty" then you will be cross examined by his or her Counsel (Barrister) I honestly don't think any barrister is going to give a PC a hard time in the witness box, because it is assumed that the police are honest and have integrity (hmm I've never believed that, present company excepted) Barristers have to maintain credibility in the Court and not upset the Judge (well not too much anyway) I think any questions in cross examination would be around the issue of whether you were certain about the facts, or could you have been mistaken. I am guessing here so don't think that's very helpful. Barristers love cross examining expert witnesses in child care cases, even though they know nothing about child development etc. but they will try every trick in the book to score a point.

The main thing is to remember that you are telling the truth - a wise colleague once told me when giving evidence to remember KISS (Keep is short, keep it simple) If the barrister wants to act a supplementary question he/she is at liberty to do so. Address your response to any questions put to you, to the Judge. Very occasionally they ask a question, but in my experience they are usually just seeking clarity on a particular issue.

However I do think it is appalling that you are not being given any help or support, especially over this court case. You don't usually get a date but are on a "warned list" covering a week or so, which doesn't help, especially when you want to get it over. Sorry if I am telling you things you already know. Stay calm and focussed, and give yourself time to think, you don't have to answer straight away. If there is something you don't understand, then say so. Remember you are just a little spoke in a big wheel and when you have given your evidence you can go and reward yourself with something nice! The CPS should be able to tell you which day you are needed, though sometimes you wait around for ever and then aren't called, and have to go back again the next day. I have spent hours sitting around in court waiting rooms - judicial minutes are slower than ordinary ones!

Having said all that, I really really hope you can get away from that job as soon as you can.

Oh god I've just remembered I was going to PM all this so as not to disrupt the thread but I can't do it all again, so please ignore as you see fit!

thank you.
thats helpful. its a 3 day trial and im needed for the whole thing.

i got hte court warning last friday (apparently - i didnt actually get it for what ever reason and had phoned because i knew.....)
im tired and feel sick now so going to bed.
am on lates tomorrow so can have lie in.
im not up to typing much now as i feel really really ill....will be back when i can.
but thank you all for the help.

Google maps is your friend, vicar - I don't have sat nav, and actually prefer printing out google maps at different scales - I often need 3 or 4 depending on the distance and whether I already know part of the route. Make sure you do one at the scale that gives all the minor road names. You can also get google maps to give you written directions.

Wishing you a peaceful night and a refreshing lie-in.

Morning all.

Back in bed here.

Nauseous shaky and can't keep my eyes open. My body is telling me my anxiety is high but emotionally nothing has changed.

I don't know whether I am back in bed because:
I overdid yesterday so am on a crash day
Depression is high
I was out all day yesterday so missed my tuesday chores and now house is horrible and I am avoiding looking at it
I am bored because I have nothing soecifuc planned

And I don't kmow why it matters why I am bed. But I am

Ed you are nauseous and shaky, that's enough reason to take it easy in bed. See how you are in a bit, eh?

I am tempted to go back to bed, effectively u am there, on my sofa, avoiding things (arrrghhh) Its just the nature of the beast really. My poor DP. Thing is Ed, you were out last night, so bound to be tired so actually many people would take advantage of going to bed for a few hours if they can.

Vicar - sending you strength for today, as TSP says, google maps is your friend - go to google maps, "get directions" and this will give you a map, plus step by step directions. Use this to back up your sat nav - ours is a bit unreliable in built up areas, if you have the maps to fall back on you're golden. Have a rest today, do some pottering, take dogs out and play with the ratties.

Colouring in queen - where are you?? hope you are ok

Not feeling so hot myself, but at least i have the orange dog curled up on my lap keeping me warm - yes, i need that because its bloody cold again!

Hi Lem I went back to bed this morning for an hour and a half, feel better for it. Need to get off my arse at night and go to bed earlier.

I am ok thanks. I've found sharing on this thread a bit harder recently. I'm in danger of sounding like a spoilt kid but I sometimes take it personally if I post and nobody responds to me - I know its like that for everyone, its the nature of the beast, and mostly people do and its great. But it really plays into my difficulty socialising and putting myself out there, and resultant paranoia... which I just need to get over.

Half term was good but v demanding. DD hosp trip and DH being useless and not being around Fri when he said he would set me back on top of general exhaustion. DS party went well but I was an anxiety attack waiting to happen all day. Made it through goddaughters communion & party after on sunday mainly through drinking constantly from about 2.30pm . Better Mon and Tue having the house to myself again, got some gardening done which was satisfying.

I have felt a growing sense of sadness build since the middle of last week which I've been trying to understand. Today I think its to do with my relationship with DH. He's changed a lot the last few years. He is a very different person now with very different interests from those when we met/married. Tbh I'm not sure I like him so much now, but don't know how much that's the depression talking. In very crude terms, when we met he was more of a practical engineering man, and now he is more of a philosophy man if that makes any sense. I find him irritating a lot of the time. He told me at the weekend he was planning to take August "off" and my heart sank. He is apparently working towards setting himself up as a freelance consultant. When I asked him what he did yesterday he said he reorganised all his tasks and ideas in Evernote. I worry he's not suited to freelance stuff, takes too long to do things. His brother is a real dawdler too. Sometimes a laid back approach is good and he's def less stressed now, but I worry. We're living off his redundancy money. There's no money coming in and I find that extremely stressful.

Well that turned out longer that I expected!

hello to everyone and esp ((((hugs)))) to vicar. I seeth when I hear how appallingly you're being treated and really hope the situation improves one way or another soon. Is there any way you can view the court thing as a learning/work experience thing in expanding your horizons about other roles/careers adjacent to police work? Hope your journey goes smoothly.

Take care all x

Vicar I think they just want you there for 3 days because they don't know when you will be called, and you will spend most of the time waiting around, and then quite often the defendant changes his plea to "guilty" and everyone clears off!! In child care cases the solicitors and barristers seem to know what day a witness will be called, but you can never be sure about these things, hence the waiting around. You aren't going to be spending 3 days in court! Honest.

It is small wonder that you are feeling so crap. We are all routing for you and wish we could do more to help. Re DS's rent, surely now that he has a job he can make the payments himself? Why were the Uni phoning you anyway as your DS is an adult. You needed this like a hole in the head didn't you. You don't need me to tell you that you and that sodding job are all washed up. You really really need to think if there is ANY way at all you could quit, re-mortgage even, until you find another job? It was the job that caused your depression and now you are back, nothing has changed. I think it was Basset that said that with police experience you might be able to transfer your skills - Probation / Prison?

Lem - yes it is bloody cold again - I think yesterday was summer! I think you sometimes improve through the day don't you - hope so.

Yes I wonder about CIQ where are you?

Snowy we need you to check in - what No. are you on today re low mood? Hope it's a teeny bit better than 3. Does your mood fluctuate from day to day and through the day, as most of us seem to suffer in this way.

ciQ you are one of the mainstays of this thread for me, im not just saying that. Well, everyone is really - i do worry about not responding to people sometimes I know I am guilty of this. I get what you say about the socialising thing, i take things really personally too - if one of the mums at the school is too busy to talk, is chatting to someone else, i often feel really upset by it and think, oh well its probably because im boring etc. Its not, they are busy or talking to someone else, thats all it is - but it doesn't stop me getting upset about it.

Nothing else really to do at christening/communion days than to drink ones way through it, else terminal boredom sets in! really.

Not sure what to say about your DH, depression clouds our judgement so much. I think i would be feeling very stressed and anxious by what your DH is planning, my DP is working in a job (albeit self employed still and a bit ropey i think) and i have literally just got off the phone from him and he is talking about jacking it in, its ok, he has work lined up but its back to the business and im scared. I am scared and he has only been working for someone else for a few months, so to go from being made redundant to doing consultancy work is a big jump. It could be very positive though and make him pull his finger out of his arse - it might take a while, it took my DP ages to realise that he couldnt walk around with his finger in his arse whilst working for himself, he now realises it is 10 times harder working for himself than working for someone else. I have had to learn to let DP make his own decisions, that has come very recently, and whilst i am actually feeling a bit sick typing this i have told him he needs to make his own mind up as to how to proceed. I find it less stress that way. If he is going to set himself up as a consultant, he needs to register as self employed, look for sources of income - a friend of mine did that and its worked really well for him. God knows what he actually does though!

I am the queen of epic waffly posts me!

Ah cross posted there CIQ - I do remember you made it to the first communion and holding a party for your DS - they were really huge things to get through when you are feeling crap - re getting upset if you post and no one answers, I understand this because when we are suffering as we all are (one way and another) we become hyper-sensitive, goes with the territory I think. Anyway you were missed by both Lem and myself! The trouble is with this thread is that there are a lot of people on it, and it is difficult to remember who said what. I have tried to type a reply in the Post Message box at the end of a page other than the last one, so I could scroll up and see what was going on for others, but it didn't seem to work. Consequently I can only reply to people on the last page, and I suspect we are all like that, to a greater or lesser extent. I dip in and dip out of the thread. Sometimes I reply to other posts in Mental Health, especially if they aren't getting much response.

Re your DH......it's difficult to know isn't it which way around it is, as you say, are your feelings related to the dep/anx or is it something more fundamentally wrong with the r/ship. To be honest I don't think it's at all unusual for there to be "peaks and troughs" in a long term r/ship. I've been with DP for over 40 years and for many many years, had one foot in and one foot out of the r/ship and I'm sure that's true for others. Maybe when we are physically and mentally well and feeling fulfilled with our own life, then we are better able to put up with the foibles of our H's P's whatever.

The financial issue is of course going to be a worry for you, but maybe he will make a go of being self employed. I think a lot of people are having to take that step now, with the current economic climate and redundancies left right and centre. When you say he is taking August "off" - if he is not working what is he "off" from, if that's not a silly question!

Thank you lem and nana your lovely words made me well up (in a good way).

lem - I'm just the same in the playground - and I also get taken back to when I was at school which doesn't help. Nana hypersensitivity - that's just it - and yes its a busy thread which I am also pleased about...

DH has the expertise to be a consultant. I know the depression is clouding my judgement and most people are more positive about it than me. Lem yes I have also been trying to let him make his own decisions about stuff - but then I struggle that he doesn't discuss things with me - like the August thing - but then why would he when I am rarely positive about his plans! I think when the decisions are about family finances though it doesn't feel right not to be involved in them. Nana he is currently working on a voluntary basis for a three charities to test out his ideas and potential "products" and get an insiders perspective on how they work/how decisions get made etc. He's also doing some personal development work and networking... I guess during the kids holidays I feel I retreat into the background cos he's more fun for the kids than me. But then I do miss time just me and DCs. I think I will just have to schedule some days in. What a palaver.

And finally on a not cheerful note today, I heard that a lovely guy, lets call him Mr Boots, who I painted with for the autumn term died recently from cancer. He had just finished chemo in Sep and was on drug treatment. Clearly the cancer had got too much of a grip on him. . Sorry to bring a downer to the thread today...

MUST hoover house its disgusting. And then I will go and sit in the sun.

thanks lem and nana that bit of reassurance was helpful x.