that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

You know, LEM, i actually always admire science PhDs, because you guys need to present real results, whereas in the arts, an awful lot of bullshitting goes on! We can say there's no right/wrong answer, but there probably is and we've just not found it . I hope your work is going well.

Helles, it's actually very comforting to hear that - i hope you're doing ok.

oh, i think a fair amount of BS happens in science PhDs too (there are an amazing amount of statistical tests you can use, you just have to pick the one that makes your data "correct" ) I finished six years ago, havent worked since apart from a disasterous job and some volunteer work.

And just to add, LEM, DH is controlling. He absolutely doesn't mean to upset me, but it's a real relief to be able to say that and have someone else recognise it. He had a terrible childhood and just wants things to be right.

You absolutely must not let that affect you though Estelle, can you talk to him about it, maybe he would benefit from talking to someone. Would you think you would feel less anxious if he wasn't so controlling? I don't mean to slate him at all, i hate all the "leave the bastard" that you get on threads about controlling partners, I think he is possibly very insecure and anxious too? Would he address it do you think? I speak as somone who is very controlling (me!) and if i am not in total control of the situation i either go into meltdown and scream and shout or just close down completely. I think if you can separate your own emotions from your DHs then you can move on, he will be happier too im sure.

Afternoon, hope everyone is having a good/ok day.

Still struggling here. I think I have a way to go before things start improving. Took dd to work this morning and have been sat in the same chair ever since. Have shut all curtains/blinds at the front of the house. Have also unplugged phone. Apart from my mum the thought of talking or seeing anyone else makes me feel really anxious. Hoping that's 'normal'?

Please don't judge me for this because I already feel terrible. A couple of weeks ago we got 2 kittens (had been planned for months, so not a rash decision). Anyway, I can't even bring myself to spend time with them the poor things. Would I be better trying to rehome them, do you think? I don't seem able to make a decision. Not only do I not spend time with them but I have gone from being active and always pottering around the house and garden to not being able to do anything. God, this is awful.

knitted light and fresh air definitely helps so try and go out into the garden - even for twenty minutes. Make sure you cover up though. The son is fierce today! I've been out in half hour sessions and have managed to get a few hiusehold tadks fone as a result. Cheese scones for school tomorrow is my next job.

Re the kittens. You are not the only person in the house so no doubt your dd has been playing with them. As long as they're fed, watered and taught where to poo it won't be a huge problem. If you can't manage that and nobody else would step up then they will need rehoming.

Ps, I hate talking on the phone. That seems quite usual amongst the people on here but that doesn't mean it's normal

Hi knitted, nice to meet you and sorry to hear you're feeling bad. I hope you can relax a bit as it gets to evening. I agree with Helles about the kittens. I don't know how old your DD is, but her playing with them is absolutely good enough for today. And a great way to help her understand empathy and responsibility if she's old enough.

Would you be able to sit out in the garden for a bit when the sun's going down and everything feels a little less sharp?

LEM, thank you for being so understanding about DH. I've heard a few LTBs when i bring him up but i know it doesn't come from a bad place. He is very insecure and gets anxious. Some pair we are!

Hi estelle welcome to the madhouse thread. It's a very supportive place.

Well i made it to goddaughters fhc
It was a nice mass. Felt rather dowdy in skirt and top compared to 90% women in frocks but hey. Enjoyed some lovely sancerre so am at bit the worse for wear but enjoying sitting in the garden while dh sorts dc bath. Still need to wash their pe kit yet but thought I'd make the most of the sun on the patio. Have had v vivid dreams last couple nights they seem almost like real memories weird.

Dc at school tomorrow which I think it's probably just as well. Think I will benefit from some quiet days. Going to this fhc today made me realise o get to get organised and find some money for takeaway food/caterers. There will be 35 to feed and I was planning on doing the cooking but based on year morning that's prob a bad idea.

Hello Knitted - the way you are feeling is perfectly "normal" for someone with a depressive illness. On my worst days (which thankfully are less regular now) I am scared when the phone rings and panic if the door knocks, and am horrendously anxious at seeing anyone other than 2 very close women friends.

I can't believe the kitten thing, because this is exactly what happened here. I had been looking for kittens for ages and wanted British shorthairs, and finally found 2 I liked (brother and sister) and drove about 100 mile round trip to get them. I was delighted with them and so was my DGD who has 9 then, but one month later I started being ill, initially with a physical illness (campylobacter) like salmonella food poisoning, which laid me low for weeks on end, and then the symptoms of depression and anxiety started, and I just found the kittens a nuisance and couldn't be bothered with them. Even emptying the litter tray was a big deal. Like many of you young mothers, I am a grandmother, so don't have to cope with caring for young children, but honestly felt I couldn't cope with the kittens. DP is not a cat lover, but ensured they were fed and watered. They are still here, 3 years on, and I've grown fond of them, so maybe keep them as others are suggesting. As there are two of them they will play together. Mine sleep most of the time now! Incidentally no-one is going to judge you on this thread. We all know the torment of mental illness.

I hope you will be able to see you GP as early as possible next week and make sure you tell him/her just how bad you are feeling. Sounds like you are still going to work? Do you mind saying what you do, and how old your little girl is, as you might find you are just not able to manage work until the "awfulness" of the moment has improved, which it will do, you have to believe that. I know it's hard when you feel so crap but you will get better over time. Can you let us know how you get on with the GP.

HB thank you for the post with your "back story" as I never really knew before. Sounds like you had it really tough but have more or less come through it?

Hello Lem how are you?
Welcome Estelle - another PHd(er) big brains on this thread!

Hi Vicar read your recent past and so glad things are good for you, even though the job is still a PITA at times. I may have got this wrong but I thought when you first went back, you managed to find a few kindred spirits amongst your colleagues, but you seem less positive about that now? I can imagine how worried you are about your son living in his boss's house, as I think I remember you saying he walks around a lot at night. I'm sure he will act differently in this house, especially as it is tied up with the job. Be best for him to get his own flat though won't it asap.

Ed where are you and your lists......

Hoochy forgot to mention you last time. Has your placement finished. How are you doing. You've probably said but I can't remember! Presumably you will be finished this month if you are doing an M.A. - do you know which area you are heading for in Social Services?

Snowy so glad you finished the sociology module (you hide your light under a bushel!) Did you find sociology interesting. I did, but it was a long time ago now, and can't remember much!

Basset Thank you for your PM which came just at the right moment. I will reply....

How are you CIQ sorry I'm sure to have missed someone!

Had a very strange day today - woke feeling anxious for no apparent reason and have not felt "right" - sort of low and anxious, but picking up a bit now. Ah this bloody illness comes and goes just as it likes!

Hi NanaNina

I don't work so have no stress there and my little girl is a not so little 17! So I have no stresses of young children. In fact I don't have a lot to stress about right now. Had a tough couple of years and it all built up and came rushing out on Wednesday night. Thank you for getting exactly where I am coming from regarding the kittens. Hoping once they have been done and are going outside and are not so occupied with trashing the house that I will feel differently.

Good to meet you to Estelle wish it was under different circumstances. Thanks to all who reply to me. I will get to know you all but at the moment have to keep scrolling back to remember names etc.

Didn't make it outside today maybe tomorrow >sigh

Ah you said in your recent post knitted "took dd to work this morning" so it must have meant something else. Glad your DD is 17! I really do feel for people suffering from mental illness with young children to care for, as I find I can barely cope with myself on some days.

I see! I took dd to her work. She left sixth form and works full time. She's learning to drive so once she's passed her test my taxi services will no longer be required!

I agree that having little ones to look after whilst struggling to look after yourself must be really hard. Look at me - I can't cope with kittens!

I think its really common for EVERYONE to feel pangs of regret, no,regret isn't the right word, but a sort of OMG i have these kittens/dogs/tarantulas to look after now - wtf have i done! I know I have experienced this with every dog that I have got, for various reasons, the puppies because puppies are hard work and the rescues because they are unknown entities and can have issues. One of mine had serious issuess but we stuck with him (despite him being sat out in the car ready to go back to battersea on more than one occasion, once after having my head in his mouth like a lion) and he turned into a lovely dog, no regrets. Second rescue we have had just over a year, total impulse buy as it were - I am so thoroughly smitten with him, i adore him - he sleeps in our bed often with his head on the pillow So please don't be too worried bout your feelings re the kittens knitted they will be part of your family and quite frankly, cats don't like being mauled and snuggled quite so much as we think! They will lurve you :)

Hi Nananina - its them fluctuations, the morning anxiety - you reminded me about the cortisol levels in the morning - now i understand that i don't tend to be freaked by it so much so i don't let it set the template for the day (that works most days, of course the citalopram helps!).

Wow! So much has gone on the last few days. I'm not sure I'm up to speed on the thread. Bit hi to newcomers. Just looking through some of the comments you post about 'is this normal'. I can relate to it all. You will see up thread that I have my phone constantly set to an engaged tone unless it is dcs or dcs school (ie potentially urgent). I also find it hard to make phonecalls to anyone other than close friends...henxe the reason I haven't called uni or booked my holiday.
I haven't opened my bedroom curtains more than once a month for ages. My lounge blinds probably get opened once a fortnight. I am opening them slightly more now the sun is comung out. I often take dcs to school and go straight back to bed...only to get up again 15mins before they come home.

So me and my list for the last couple of days. I wang to point out that I am not trying to boast. It is part of my therapy to help me realise how much I do actually do by breaking it down into small tasks. I should also point out that as a single parent to 3...if it ain't on the list it ain't been done. So yes my bathroom is minging because I haven't cleaned it for about 10 days. I am doing what I can when I can. I dont have someone like vicars wonderfully supportive dh to pick up the slack. But I also dont have an oh with grumpy moods to try and add to my burden.

So my lists. Not surprisingly the last couple of days have been a bit flat. Not unproductive per se. Just 'flat'.

Saturday
Butchers
Nagged the dcs to do homework lots. They didn't listen
Listened to dcs tell me they are bored lots. I refused to listen whilst homework needed doing.
Mowed my jungle
Put out a couple of loads of washing. And straight away when dry.
Dyed dtds hair again
Straightened dtds hair
Washed up &dw
No nap!

Sunday
Up at 10.30
Nagged (successfully) to do homwwork.
Dcs wanted to go out for day...an hour away...but homework not finished until lunchtime so not worth it. Compromised with a trip to local country park.
I took a book to read...but pickedthe wrong one up and I'd read it.
I took my crochet but didn't save the pattern to my phone properly so couldn't do it (no interney signal to access as webpage).
I forgot that the one thing I absolutely can't do atm is sit on a hard floor. So I was in pain on the grass.
I tried to lay back and enjoy the sun...but dcs were bored. Wanted to go home. Wanted to do this. Wanted to do that. So I picked up our stuff and we went home where they sat in front of tv/ipads for rest of day. I was so cross I could have cried but my ads stop me crying.
I'm shaky again...although better than I was whrn we first got home.
Ive put a load of washing in machine.
Dd3s uniform is ready. I plaited her hair before bed to make it wavy.

I have quite a bit to do tomorrow. I must go shopping and I have a busy brownies/guides evening.
There is a local mn meet up tues am which I might go to...just to get me out of the house...can't decide whether I will be a positive thing to meet new people or too scary to go through with...

Oh helles what's happening with cubd...I thought you resigned ages ago?

Anyway must go. ..back to school tomorrow. Hugs and waves to all...

Well I for one am impressed by your lists and what you've done this weekend. Compared to my sitting in the same chair all day, you've done loads. Then I claimed I had an ear ache and went to bed! And I can't sleep again

Lol!

If you look back at the threads from december I was literally laying in bed whenever dcs were out of the house. And whrn they were at their dads I would lay in bed from friday evening till monday lunchtime (bar toilet breaks).

And yes I have told dcs I have a headache just so I could lay down or get an afternoon nap.

I hope what you can see from my posts is that you will move forward. I do still have days like you describe. But less often. Hang in there. It does get better....you will be able to put the washing machine on in a couple of months. You will go straight back to your chair...and you won't empty it till the next day but you will put it on

knitted believe ed it's true. I stayed at mum's when I was at my worst and I was so zombied that she would wake me up and physically steer me to the bathroom to get showered and dressed. Best thing that could have happened.

ed I tried to resign. They refused and 'kept the door' open. I have to leave though because I have to focus on studying. I expected too much of myself - as usual. I enjoyed cubs but I was getting behind on admin and doing planning at the last minute until the whole thought made me anxious. Acsl did very little.

Yes nina last time we did a round of back stories, I still thought nothing in my life had happened to justify anxiety and ddepression. As if it nedss justification.

I think we are all guilty of trying to justify it which adds to the anxiety.

Oh and blasted sun...I've been awake since 5.30....not impressed

Morning everyone - crap night, no sleep, forgot to take my meds yesterday but i don't think it was that tbh. DD on an inset day so wants me to help her with some origami thing, ugghhh and then she wants to go to the beach and is currently kicking off because i said it wont be warm enough to go in the sea! I have >this< much patience for arguments today!

Morning, LEM, hope today goes OK. Origami, you say? I couldn't even try it! Well, I have done and it was sweaty palms all over a crap looking swan! Hope you have more luck (your scientific brain is much better equipped to do the job than my numbers and straight lines allergic arts and humanities one). Hope all goes well if you go to the beach.

Afternoon all.

Hope you are all having a goodish day. I am up, I have showered and I am dressed :) yayyy go me!!

Lem hoping the origami turned out well and if you made it to the beach it wasn't too bad.
Ed agree the sun was a pain early this morning, although I had been awake since half oneish so can't blame it for waking me up.

Tears are reducing (hooray) apart from when I 'you tubed' that Attraction act from BGT then I was in floods! Main anxiety now is I can't cope with seeing or speaking to anyone I know. Am doing a good job of avoiding everyone so far and I plan to continue like this until I feel stronger. I hope that doesn't make me look selfish.

Good afternoon everyone

/i just succumbed to pizza, first one in a week though. I'm having a low few days.

Thinking of you all

My CPN is on holiday for a couple of weeks now.