that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Thanks for the reply.

Yes, going back to doctors in a week. Had my first cry of the day sitting in the kitchen this morning. But, have just put some washing on! The rest of the house is a mess but just gonna let that go for now.

Great to have support on here. My mum is the only rl support I have. Dh looks at me in disgust and hasn't even given me a hug. He thinks because I have everything I want I should be fine. He's a huge workaholic by the way. As his family we are way down his list of priorities.

Am going to take time and read through the thread so I get to know you all and can support others.

Welcome knitted your scenario sounds EXACTLY like mine. Lots of major stressors. Job woes. Relationship woes. Tough uni course. Bereavement. Etc. This time last year my new neighbour couldn't believe what I had been through. I was 'so strong'. I was 'holding it together fantastically.'

Now I'm a total wreck. I had my meltdown in oct and I'm still recovering. Initially I wasn't offered medication but when I went back a week later she was really helpful and I've been on medication since.

This thread is fab. It is great for just offloading. It is great for being able to find comfort in feeling 'normal' that you can't physically drag yourself out of bed.

P.s. I assume you are a knitter. ..I've taken up crochet recently and bore everyone on this thread with my latest creations!

My motto is one foot in from of the other. One day at a time.

Still in bed. Have been downstairs to let dd3 out (makes her sound like a dog!). My house is a tip but I will get up soon snd sort it...

Good morning! Welcome knittedslippers

Still in bed - been awake about twenty minutes. Did not fall asleep until about two. I had forgotten to take ad's and was stewing over whether to get up and take them so late. Realised that the only way to get to sleep was to stop thinking about it and the only way to stop thinking about it was to take them.

I have done very little the past two days except read mystery novels.

My resignation from cubs was emailed last night. Hopefully they will take me more seriously this time!

EdwiniasRevenge the kindness of your post set me off again!

Although I would love to learn to knit, my name comes from when I registered I was wearing some lovely cable knit slippers. So inventive :)

I think I may be around for a while. Have read through and you all seem so lovely and understanding. I wish you were all my rl friends. Although maybe we open up on here because its easier. To tell the truth I probably wouldn't speak to you if I knew you as I can't even bring myself to answer the phone at the moment.

Can I ask how supportive your dp's are towards you when you're having bad days/weeks/months?

Hoping you all have a good day.

Hi knitted youve come to the right place. I had my meltdown like you describe in Jan. Doc didn't give me ads straight away, told me to rest as much as poss and saw her again, was prescribed fluoxetine. Am improving.

Can't move this morning tho. Headache and body weighs 10 tonnes. This week was to much. Thanks ed dh will be at party. At mo can't think straight to work out what needs to happen this morning tho! Will try and eat something.

Morning all.

Have a lovely time at the stables vicar

Good morning my lovelies!

Welcome to knitted - you've got the right name for this site!

When I first got ill 3 years ago DH was awful, really cold and seemed angry, at a time when I really needed his understanding. But, he was just frightened of what was happening to me, and felt powerless to help. This time round he is better at understanding what is going on with me, but it is still difficult at times, as I assume that he's thinking stuff that he's not.

Occasionally we have a row to clear the air and then it's alright

Just keep talking, and be kind to each other

DD has come to stay with her dp, I'm anxious about stuff today, and just want to retreat into myself, even tho I know I've got to be sociable. Bed sounds lovely!

Hope everyone has a good day, blows kisses round the country...

No dp. No dh. Dm and df are very negative and always expect the worst so not very helpful. Ds is 12. His dad has not been on the scene for ten years so nowhere for him to go and hide from me! Mostly I just muddle on. I cope better because of ds. Without him to consider I think I would stay in bed all day everyday!

good morning everyone

Ed - so glad you are picking up, you know, you seem to have more up days than down lately (i know you have had a rough week) so this is good!

Ciq - Sorry you are feeling down today, do you think you are going down with something? with the headache and all?

Vicar - Stables and wine - as pa larkin would say "perfick"

Hellesbelles - sorry you had a shite sleep, that is never good.

Knittedslippers Hiya!! You are very welcome and it is SUCH a supportive place. It can be very difficult for partners, this is the second time I have been through this and this time DP is being very supportive this time. However he just cannot cope when i cry and won't ever give me a hug (he does at other times) and will be quite cold, it isn't because he doesn't care, its becaues he doesn't know how to deal with it. Do you have everything that you want? or does he mean materially? Is there something that you woud like to change? For me its to be able to get a job but that is my sticking point just now, i have no confidence. Ironically it was a job that broke me this time around but it was a toxic work environment and i should have left well before. I now need to pick my confidence back up - going back to some voluntary work on thursday (IF i can muster the confidence!) I would go back to the Drs, you may or may not need medication - it isn't always the answer, but for many (myself included and i think most of us on this thread, it helps) it does help. You should ask to be referred to counselling though.

So far so good today - i slept and read until 11am poor DP, because i am so disengaged with my DD (Ed i can so relate to you on that) she never gives him a minutes peace! poor sod been up since six!

CiQ, and Helles hope you feel better. Eat, sleep, take the meds. Like Ed says, one foot in front of t'other. X

Thanks lem and hoochy don't know what's going on. Been dozing all morn and feel no better. Just about managed to make myself cup of tea. Head still bad. Maybe I am going down with something? But feels a lot like I did in Feb just without the very low mood (cos of ads?) Party is at 3. I have to be there but at mo can barely sit up in bed. Good grief.

knitted dh is supportive thank god but a lot of that is cos he was severely depressed last year so knows what its like. It is hard for partners. I think mind has a good page on their website aimed at them - maybe worth pointing him to once you get an "official" diagnosis from gp. Rest as much as you can x

Certainly feeling better knowing I can come here. It's lovely how you all support each other while still dealing with your own crap. I feel angry at myself for being this way, it's not me, it's not who I am. Sat in the doctors waiting room crying like a loon yesterday!

I'm thinking of making a positive list of things I need to do or change that may make me feel better. At the same time the doctor told me to let things slide and for life to glide on while I sit and watch for a while.

Do you all get as annoyed and frustrated with yourselves like I do or is it that this is all new and I haven't learnt to accept it as part of who I am yet?

Sorry for appearing so selfish. So many of you sound like you are in such similar positions to me. I wish you all a little bit of laughter and bubbliness today.

I used to be v annoyed with myself for being so feeble and not pulling myself together. But I am learning to be kinder to myself. I think this site of experience does force you to look at how you look after yourself and manage emotions etc which in the long term can only be a good thing. Dont push yourself to hard. I used to think Oh I should be doing more etc. But the more I let go, the better I feel and start feeling a bit more motivated to do stuff iykwim.

This thread is amazing. So supportive and precious to tall to others who understand your situation. I am more open here than to most rl life friends too x

Hello everyone - sorry I've been AWOL for a time, no reason really - couldn't resist a peep last night and there you all are!! It was SO nice to see all the familiar names, but as usual I can't remember what everyone has posted!

Hello knitted - I absolutely understand how crap you are feeling. One of the main symptoms of my intermittent depression is prolonged bouts of crying (incidentally you are not a "loon") though the onset of a depressive illness is very scary, especially when it happens for the first time.

My first major episode came in 1994 some 6 months after the death of my dearest and closest friend. The depression built up very quickly (over about 3 weeks) and I thought I was going mad - I couldn't stop crying, had stopped eating and sleeping and was very dizzy for most of the time. I was in a responsible job and couldn't cope. The psychiatrist told me that it was quite usual for depression to hit, around 6 months after the loss. She said depression almost always had it's roots in loss of some kind, not necessarily a bereavement. I don't know if any of this resonates with you.

As far as your DP is concerned, I think as others have said, many men just don't understand mental illness, unless they have suffered it themselves. My DP is supportive, but my 2 grown son (both in their 40s) seem to be embarrassed by my illness and so don't appear at all empathetic, which hurts at times. I put it down to them being men - I don't say that lightly, as I think that men in general are not very emotionally intelligent (that's not a criticism but an observation) I think it's just the difference between male and female psychology. I'd better stop there, or I'll be off on another topic about the differences between men and women!

I'm glad you are going back to the GP. Many people find that writing a list of symptoms in a list, so that you ensure the GP gets a full picture, and don't leave anything out! You won't be telling the GP anything he/she hasn't heard hundreds of times before! If you are prescribed ADs, you have to wait for them to "kick in" and this can take 2/4 weeks and like all drugs they have side effects, but these usually diminish in a few weeks. There will be lots of support on here for you.

Hello to Snowy Helles Vicar UA Ed CIQ Lem Basset and anyone else I've missed out. I think some new people have joined while I was AWOL.........I'll read some of the back threads. Love to you all and hoping the summer months (haha!) might help a teeny bit when the crap hits us. I'm not sure why I said that because whenever anyone who doesn't know me very well says "Oh you just need some sun" I am soooo angry and think "NO that's not what I need, you bloody idiot - I need to be rid of the torment of depression."

Lovely to hear from you, NanaNina

Oh thank you Snowy - I always feel a bit embarrassed when I've "strayed" from the thread and then pop up again, but I feel I know people on this lovely thread won't hold anything against me.

You are someone else Snowy, like Basset, who always reaches out to others, but say little about yourself and your own mental health problems. Guess you are just like that by nature - hope you are on an even keel and dare I ask about the sociology?

Thanks

The sociology module has finished, results in July (end of). Not sure how it went, my concentration is rubbish still.
I'm okish in myself, I'd like to be taking fewer meds, but who wouldn't?

Hi everyone
Hi nana nice to hear from you. snowy well done on finishing your module. ua I like the sound of your blockbuster haul - might have to check mine out!

Tough day. Ds had a great party. I made it despite feeling so bad I thought I had a d&v bug. 2 glasses pimms got me through party but anxiety has been chronic today. Could have done with some diazepam I think. Dont feel right tonight and have goddaughters first Communion tomorrow. Think I will end up drinking again I felt such a loser today just about managed to stand up in company while dh and other family sorted all games etc out.

Hope everyone else's days have been ok x

evening everyone....a very warm welcome to you knitted - you can certainly find solidarity here.
we have all been through it, some still going through it, some out the other side.

im still on meds but feeling much better than last november when i physically just fell to bits and couldnt go on, i was fantasising about running my car off the road....i wasnt in a good place at all.

6 months later, on sertraline, having counselling, offloading in here and having the lifeline for me that is the stables has got me through,

job is still shit. will probably always be shit. i will never fit in, but my days off are now no longer spent in bed as they were 6 months ago, i am enjoying things again. Got talking to another ex cop today at stables, she left after 20 years and turned to gardening. I got on fine with her. its so weird!

got home at about 10pm tonight, had a wonderful day again, stayed behind with instructor (with wine again tonight!), its nice that we are friends too, i told her that i love being there and she said she loves having me there so feel quite loved up tonight....its so odd that i dont fit at work because i fit everywhere else.....ah well. nowt so queer at folk.

DS is doing her a website free of charge, as a favour to me. He has accepted the job in devon. I am bricking it. His new boss lady has offered him an en suite room in her (8 bedroomed) house for the time being until he gets settled and has enough money to get his own place.....she will do him bed and brekky.

god almighty i hope he manages ok....i dont think i can quite manage to think about it. He starts next week. I wont see him before he goes but we will see him soon as we will need to take his stuff from his uni flat down to him.

i cant quite believe he is going. i know i moaned about the prospect of him coming home but this wasnt quite what i had in mind.....

at least this way if it doesnt work out he can come home, nothing lost.

but he has parted company with his part time job. He will be down south all alone. He wants to do it, but i am worried....

Trying again to resign from cubs.

My background:

Mother anxious and controlling, father a periodic depressive, distant. One brother. Moved to Northumberland at ten. Didn't fit in. Anxiety started. First depression at 16. Did not realise then what it was. I was, after all, a moody teen.

Next was at university. I was not as clever as I thought I was, had no studying skills, no financial management skills and no people skills. I had rather counted on making a fresh start at uni but you can't leave yourself behind.

I left uni, had a whirlwind romance- or, I realise now, saw the opportunity for a fresh start. He was controlling, threatening and sexually abusive. I got pregnant. Massive depression during pregnancy. Another one afterwards. Or maybe the same one continued. Separated. Divorced. Found out he had cheated on me all through our marriage.

Kept plodding on. Exh didn't bother seeing ds or paying maintenance. Left me paying all the debts. Got a job. Ended up in sales. Worked my way up to team leader. Became very anxious which led to depression and an impromptu suicide attempt. Then a breakdown. Slept for a week. Finally accepted medication. Had cbt.

Changed jobs. Much happier. Pays a lot less. Moved in with parents to sort out finances. Moved back last september. Went downhill. I have realised that I am lonely. Also realised that I never dealt with my marriage. In fact I have suppressed every emotion for a long time. Medication back up. In counselling.

Hi everyone, do you mind if i join. LEM very kindly pointed me in this direction.

I'm 27, married, no DCs yet, doing a PhD in French which i hope to finish in October. I've suffered with anxiety for many years, but been on meds since 2011. A lot of my anxiety surrounds smoking. My DH and family hate it so i can't do it around them and have massive panic attacks. If i do it, DH gets so upset and angry. He thinks I'm letting it control me and i need to try harder to fight these feelings. But i feel so weak . I've felt suicidal these past few weeks.

My mind is full of fear. That I'll never get better and i can't deal with this much longer .

Can i ask for any advice on how you manage to help your DP/friends/family understand without scaring them, hurting them?

Thank you, i hope everyone is ok today.

Hi Estelle - glad you found the thread. If you read the past couple of pages you will see posts about partners and how it is difficult for them. Do you want to give up smoking? really? for you? at this moment in time - it has to be for you, not for them. I don't try and help my DP understand, he doesn't, hes very good, but he wont ever understand. That doesn't mean he can't be supportive.

A PhD in french? wow - that sounds interesting, what made you choose that?

Hi LEM, how are you today? I do want to be a non smoker but i can't face giving up. I just wish i'd never, ever started.

DH does try to help but if he ever sees me smoking, he gets so upset, even cries because he hates seeing me in such a state.

I kind of wandered into the PhD, i'd done a masters in European cinema and then funding came up for the PhD. I'm not sure I'll continue in academia, i don't think the isolation and constant thinking have been too good for me. I love teaching and being with people so i think something more people-focused might be better . Hope you're doing ok today.

Another one who wandered into PhD here, although mine is science based so was lab based with lots of folk around (apart from writing up hell!). I am in awe of folk who do proper academic PhDs, like you say, all that thinking and reading, makes my head hurt just thinking about it.

I have to say, your DH sounds a tad controlling - he cries because he sees you smoking? or due to the panic attacks? That is only going to make things worse you know. I hate smoking, i hate it - my dad died from lung cancer and had dementia due to atherosclerosis in a vein going into his head, it was awful. My mum still smokes, and to my horror so does my DD1, it breaks my heart, but i don't shout and scream and cry at them about it. They have to give up of their own accord - my mum wont, ever, i belive that when my DD1 has a baby, she will then. It is the sort of thing that has to come from inside. You know, you could consider medication for the anxiety, this may put you in a better place to be able to deal with the smoking, but i think the anxiety should be your priority, not the smoking, does that make sense?

Im anxious today, i always am to a degree, i will have to force myself to do something shortly or it will fester and i will ruin the day!

I accidentally gave up smoking when I started on ad's. It must have been a crutch because I didn't need to smoke once I was on ad's