that light at the end of the tunnel isnt a train....stay on track!

[ThatVikRinA22]

thought we had better have a new one - old one nearly full. Think this is our 4th thread now....

linky to old one here

so, here we go....title a little more optimistic than i feel but im sure i will get back on track soon.....not doing bad particularly, just feeling a bit consumed with things....work is so intense. id forgotten.

anyway....nuff of me. over to you guys....
hope everyone manages to find us to say "hi"....welcome old and new.

Glad to hear you are feeling a bit better knitted but are you still going to see your GP. I hope so. One of the "aces up his sleeve" (I mean Mr Dep/Anx) sorry no offence but I think he must be male! is that you can feel fine one day and crap the next, and change through the day, it's the nature of the beast I'm afraid. Mind, most people will recover fully but there will be fluctuations along the road.

Lem you sound ok (ish?) Forget how old your daughter is? Origami in my opinion is one of those things that look easy but it isn't - not a god idea when you're feeling low.

What has happened to our Dr - forget her name, something beginning with G (oh god this sounds like eye spy!) but she was on a placement in A & E and succumbed to depression. Are you there G - if so, am wondering how you are.

Oh Ed I'm glad to see you and your lists! They make me feel tired just reading them - incidentally you do sound like a really good mum to your 3 girls.

Snowy Hope you enjoyed the Pizza. You must keep in touch while your CPN off for 2 weeks, though I know you could if you needed to contact the crisis team, but I know you are unlikely to do that, so make sure you check in every day!

Hello my lovelies!

Welcome Estelle, great to read everyones news. Glad your ok Nana we love your posts.

((( Helles ))) you've been through so much I'm sure things will get better, wishing you lots of love and good stuff happening to you

I loved it when knitted said about the GP saying," let things slide and for life to glide on while I sit and watch for a while" oh yes, I reckon that sums it up for me just now, the harder I try, the more crap I feel, submit to win.

Hey, snowy sociology! I can't get my head round the damn stuff- can I send you my units to look over!

The first time round for this illness I showed DH the friends/family bit on depression alliance, it explained things well for him,

www.depressionalliance.org/help-and-information/friends-and-family.php

It's so hard for them to know what to say to us. DH says its like walking on eggshells.

Much love to everyone, have a good evening.

Galbella, Nana?

Ooh, Glabella I mean, I'm so tired, I have to go to bed soon!

I did it! I stepped down as csl. Of course I know feel guilty and excluded - even though it was my decision and the right one at that.

Yes, the pizza was nice. I am using this as a form of peer support.
Sleep well hoochymama1

Hugs HB

Sitting stewing instead of going to sleep.

I'm not a scout leader any more. Right choice but saddening.

DS' s hearing to change school's tomorrow. Am I doing the right thing? He isn't happy at school. He has slipped back this year... I don't think this is because of the illness - I think anyone would be feeling anxious right now.

On the plus side, I feel the best todsy that I have felt for months.

Evening all.

I love origami so I will come and sit with your dd LEM

Snowy microwave pizzas were my fall back can't be bothered to do anything else option.

Yay to knitted and her shower. I know how hard that was at times so I am offering a huge pat on the back.

helles don't feel guilty. You have to put your health first. I know that is easier said than done. I felt incredibly guilty when I missed one week due to illness. You can always go back in 6m or so if you feel more able. Could you go back as an acsl with less pressure and responsibility. Good luck tomorrow.

Waves to everyone else.

I had a fantastic couple of hours this morning. Went a bit downhill though.

I put the washing out.....but it is still out
I cleared out the car....but the things I bought in the house are still dumped on the floor
I went shopping. ...but all my non perishables sre still in bags on the floor.

I then had a nap (justified due to waking early and needing to drive late)
I left the house at 4.30 and got back at 9.30 (brownie trip).
My lounge is a tip.
My kitchen is a tip. Shopping not put away. Floor sticky due to spilt juice and no time to mop properly.
Dw is still full. Can't put dirty plates in until I empty it.
Washing is still out.

So...now I have a decision to make.
There is a MN meet nearish to me tomorrow morning. Do I go?

Pros
It woukd get me out of bed and out of the house
I would meet new people

Cons
See above about my messy house
Do I really need to meet new people when suffering with anxiety?
I have no dcs to take as they will all be at school....

.

Evening all

Welcome estelle I know what you mean about your mind being full of fear, that's how I feel a lot of the time, sometimes I wonder if it will ever go.
snowywell done on getting the module in :)

hb you have had a rough time lovely, thanks for posting you back story. Well done for stepping down, you are sure to miss it but it seems that it's a decision you had to make the the right reasons just now.

ciq lad your ds had a great party, it's so good to see the dc enjoying thereselves.

ed sounds like a productive weekend, I was having a look at your crochet pics, they are very good, dd2 loves hello kitty :)

nana what you are saying about fluctuations, I can relate to that, at the start of this month when dh had just left for work, I have never felt that low for a long time, then I have a few good days and think am not that bad I can manage and just trundle along, then something happens and it brings me right down again.

hoochy my dh was the same first time, just didnt know how to handle it, it was like I changed overnight.

I had my counselling today, counsellor says I blame myself for everything that goes wrong in my life and other people's. she is wondering where all the guilt comes from. It was my fourth session and today I finally plucked up the courage to tell her I was sexually abused as a teenager, in three short years we were broken into and my gran was tied up and they threatened to kill me and dsis, the next year was when I was abused, then I was bullied at school. I am settled now, lovely family, good job etc and this is when it all comes back.

On the plus today dd2 and I had a lovely picnic for lunch and a play in the park.

evening everyone.
im about to go to bed and havent had chance of a proper catch up.

iv been rubbsh with my meds
work has been shite.
im back to square one with that particular problem....my colleagues are bloody hypocrites and i need support today and was left floundering. ive got a huge job before me in crown court, i need help, ive never done this before and did i get help? did i buggery.
colleages were sat on their lovely high horses despite me remebering that when they needed help with the same type of work they go it...me? i was told to man up and that "no one would hold my hand" rich coming from folk who got walked through the whole bloody procedure when they needed it.

ive had it i think. ive decided i need to work with animals not people. i am great with horses, and today i adopted another "problem" rat, only now ive got him it seems there are no problems with his behaviour.

animals are nicer to work with. i was talking to another ex bobby today who left the job to become a gardener. think she had right idea.

im feeling shit about it all. my colleagues hate me. i dont kow why but they do. they lord it over me, im anxious because im in crown court soon and have never even been there - i dont even know how to get there,
so this colleague tells me to google it....
then goes to the new photocopier that is computerised and immediatley asked for help because they didnt know how to work it....i do. but i walked off.
they love telling me how they have it all sorted only for ,me tp see they dont. but irony is truly lost on them.

boss today commented becuase i was 5 mins late - i hate the furthest to travel and the motorway came to a stand still twice. im so sick of the digs.

fucking well fed up and had it. i dont want to go tomorrow.

vicar, I think you should go to gp/occ health and (not sure of chain of command) higher than your line manager, let them know you are a victim of bullying and harassment and that its making you ill! Its the cause of it and why the hell should a grown and professional adult be made to feel like this. Sorry vicar but in this day and age this is awful, it sounds like some old boys club. You are worth more than this, why should they have the power to force you out of a career that you have trained for?
If it were me I would start documenting these incidents, also speak to your union rep abd a solicitor for advice.

Oh vicar that is SHIT SHIT SHIT.

I want to come up there and kidnap you until they pay a randsom of 'proper support'.

I can't believe that the government is paying you to do your best to keep crime of the streets. A police officer giving evidence in crown court is a critical link in keeping crime off the streets. You will absolutely do your best and I have every faith in you doing your best.

BUT

The government is paying people to mentor, guide and train you to make your best even better. So that you can learn from other peoples experiences as well as having to learn by your own experience. Those people are NOT doing their job properly.

It sucks. I want to come and hold your hand....but I guess a shaky little thing next to you in the evidence stand probably won't do the cps any favours :o

Do take your meds though. They will help you deal with the shit and put you in a better position to do your job and reduce the impact on your mental health while you do.

Vicar, so on your behalf - your collegues sound like a bunch of fuckwits. Am thinking though, and a bit loathe to say this as i know you are more than capable of doing your job and doing it well, could you retrain with the BHS? not british homes stores of course and actually get paid work with horses? Would the lady at your stables be able to sponser you through a course? Maybe study natural horsemanship? Just ideas that actually, if you do decide enough is enough, there are other options out there. However, not before you wipe the floor with those bullying you, do NOT let them drive you out of your job! You can do some of the BHS courses as evening courses i think, might be worth looking into doing as an aside from your main job?

Ed you are hired!! I managed to avoid the origami yesterday (thank god!) The thought of it was making me quite sick and DP is heartily sick of it now too! I did manage to make double helixes with my students when i was at the college though But i think I MAY have sworn in front of them a few times!

Notso - that is just awful about the break in, fucking hell :(

My lab book is still an elephant in the room - have resigned myself to fact i will be looking at it tomorrow night!

Oh my good god notso - I am amazed that you are still standing after all the trauma you suffered in your young life. It has staggered me that so many people just on this thread were sexually abused as children/teenagers. I suppose I should be used to hearing these accounts after 30 years in social work, and seeing many victims of sexual abuse turning into perpetrators (usually male). You must have a "reserve tank of something" that you have called upon! Hope the counselling is helping. Many MNs talk about EMDR therapy for PTSD following sexual abuse or "re-wind" therapy. I always forget what the EMDR stands for, something to do with rapid eye movement. Apparently you don't have to go through all the detail and unearth the trauma as you do in some other therapies. Mind I think the most important thing in therapy is that you feel safe and comfortable with the therapist.

Hello Hoochy - think I asked recently if you had finished your placement and would be qualified as a sw as I think an MA is just 1 year isn't it. Do you know which area of social work you are heading for?

HB so glad you feel so much better - seems giving up being a scout leader was the right decision, though of course this is going to be tinged with sadness. Sorry haven't caught up with the issue of your son's school. Hope you get the result you want. You mention your son's illness, hope it's not serious.

Thank you Ed for you lovely lists!

Vicar so so sorry that after a reasonable start you are feeling as shite as ever about the job. You most definitely need to get out, but jobs are so damn hard to come by these days. Re the upcoming Crown court case. I assume you are giving evidence for the CPS and will be cross examined by counsel for the defendant. Is that right? I have had a lot of experience in Crown court (but only on child related issues) and was very used to giving evidence and being cross examined. If you like I could PM you with a few "hints and tips" as I think the "format" will be the same, re giving evidence and being cross examined.

Hi Snowy - how are you today. I know you don't ever whinge like some of us do(!) but I did notice you mentioned feeling low. Are you very stoic by nature I wonder? Anyway hope the "lowness" soon lifts, where is it on a scale of 1 - 10 (with 1 being lowest of course)

It's lovely and sunny and warm here (now that half term is over!) and I intend to sit in the garden with a book. Woke feeling low, but it is beginning to lift.

Sorry I meant that I didn't think I was anxious just because I have anxiety and depression. Thank God, ds is fine.

We will find out the answer re the appeal hearing next week. Seems an age awsy but I am sure it will come round quickly.

I hope things pick up vicar, sounds awful :(

I feel lower today probably a 3..it'll pick up soon

I'm having a treacle day today

That's a great description of a day. I'm about to go back to bed, surely can't be warm enough to get more tired.

its got worse. i have just embarrassed myself royally.

I had a couple of bits of garden equipment to give away - a colleague from another station asked for some of it so i arranged to take it today.

i forgot it initially and knowing that the colleague was coming over specially i nipped back for it. I arrived at work spot on time, normally get there about 15 mins early.

this afternoon DS uni rang to say he has not paid this YEARS rent and im the guarantor. so i was in shock.

i got back to office and was bollocked for being "late", the garden equipment (thats not whats important apparently, my work is important and arriving in good time) and then got told to stop asking people about court procedure.

so i burst into tears. like a loon. a proper loon. and all my colleagues saw and all the next group after us and ive cried all the way home and im still crying now. I had a hissy fit with boss and said i shouldnt have gone back, i told him about the rent and son and now i think that will be held against me too.

im pretty sure my days are numbered.
and ive got to find a years worth of rent for DS which i do not have and whats more i have no idea what he has done with that money.

i cant stop crying.
i cant speak to DS.

i want to curl up and die. i feel desperate and stupid.

Oh vicar.

Words fail me. I dont know what else to say at all. I so want to come and kidnap you and keep you away from those nasty people.

Oh Vicar, your day sounds like it would knock anyone for six, MH issues or not!

First thing to do, when you can manage, is make 100% sure the situation with DS's rent is as it appears to be. I work at a uni and Lord knows the administrative systems are a mess at the best of times. It seems crazy that nobody in the accommodation office would have highlighted this sooner. Also, could there have been any issues with a standing order not transferring properly?

When you get hold of DS, find out exactly what's happened. If he has just spent the year's rent, contact the uni and see if any system can be put in place to pay the deficit in managable increments. Which DS will absolutely have to provide out of his student loan, or contribute to.

Forget your colleagues for this afternoon, they sound a right bunch (easier said than done, I know).

oh no vicar Wish I could wave a magic wand for you.

i have a headache now. a thumping painful head, i look like shit. im going to walk the dog with dark glasses on.

Hello gorgeous girls!

Grrrr vicar how dare they

It sounds like systemic harassment and bullying. Log stuff, get the fed involved, make a fuss, what have you to lose? I echo the thought about working with animals.

Notso , how awful to hear about your stuff. Good to get help now, when your in a safe and secure place.

Snowy and Lem that sounds nice, I'm like a dormouse, I love my bed at the moment.

Had a horrendous day ds really sick last night with GCSE's today, ferried him back & fro school & looked after him. Felt guilty for not going to placement, but making me feel guilty is like shooting fish in a barrel
But I feel ok. Was buzzing about pottering, actually noticing what a shit tip the house has become. Not that I did anything about it

Nana I finish placement on July 10th,and that's the end, all done. It's been a 2 year MA course also qualifying me as a SW. I have loved adult care and MH, even though as an ex teacher I was going to do children and families. Am really interested in helping whole families, too much of a divide between adults and children's work as I perceive it. But I don't care where I work, might do agency work as there's not much out there. Oh, I do love SW. I know you did too, and you are still doing your best to help us, you lovely person.

A pretty evening out there Lots of love to everyone reading this.