Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

It's the feeling of detachment from dd that is hard to deal with. As before she has been the protective factor and I feel like i'm distancing myself from her in preparation. I know that sounds horrible, she's not being neglected in any way, it's just how I feel in my head. Getting paranoid about things again, and feel people are snooping around my house looking for signs of how i've been feeling, or people are talking about me all the time.

Family are ringing and texting me as they're getting worried, that is making me feel worse, but I just can't bring myself to say anything and worry them even more. I'm isolating myself but it's how i'm coping right now. I don't want to be under the ct anymore, just dreading the meeting.

Don't want to go to the meeting, not in a good mood at all today. For some reason this sunny weather isn't helping, probably because everyone else is happy and loving it, and I feel crap inside.

Morning Gracieloo, I hope you managed to get some sleep? Im also pleased you keep checking in with us. what time is the meeting today? It may seem like "everyone else" is happy, but truly that is not the case. Go along to the meeting with an open mind, if possible, and let us know how it goes :-)

Had the meeting, feeling very emotional. Got discharged. They were happy for that to be the case, seeing cpn in a weeks time. Was told to try to spend some time with dd and take things easy. I don't know why but feel terrified of trying to be 'ok'. Think it actually helps when others can see you need support but when they see you're doing better it's actually quite scary for some reason.

Keep crying, feel sick, don't know if I made the right decision or said the right things. Just went to call cpn but then thought she's probably not available.

perhaps you are better than you think? although i know this can change hour by hour, day by day? they are always there, the crisis team...what are you crying about in particular, or are you not sure? do you think it is fear, relief? at least you can cry and it is providing some sort of release. how are you now?

I don't know why I was crying, feeling of hopelessness just came over me big time. Maybe I am doing better than I think, wish my brain would realise that! Was stupidly pleased I managed to do the food shopping earlier, although haven't managed a shower today, look so rough. Doing the best for dd but feel like I'm going through the motions. Taken my last diazepam so feel calmer now, but really low.

Around midday I called cpn as got in a state and wasn't thinking straight. Couldn't pick dd up so asked a friend to, I'm such a mess mentally and physically. Anyway she never called back and she'll not be in until mon. Not sure how I'm feeling, but no enthusiasm for anything, I know I can't end this until another weekend I don't have dd, but feel I can't wait that long. I know I'm repeating myself, but nothings changed, meds are the same, back to weekly contact with cpn, but actually things feel worse as thought I'd get out of this with ct contact.

The last few weeks I've moved house not out of choice, tried to get a new job with no luck, and starting seeing someone who keeps contacting me but I feel in no state to start dating, but scared I'm missing out on a relationship. I just want everything to go away, I'm irritable with dd, she deserves more than I can give her. Want to od so badly.

I'm sorry i'm being a pain, but feel really agitated and on edge this evening. Starting to have all the same thoughts again, seeing no end to this and I want to talk to someone and I can't now. It's my fault i'm feeling alone now, too much in my head that doesn't make sense. Feel let down by the mh services but i've actually let myself down. Want to get in my car and find somewhere to be on my own to do what I want. So desperate, think my head's going to expode. Everyone's so fed up with me, I would be too.

Disturbed night, feel shaky and spaced out. Hearts pounding, can't bear the thought of another day. Finding smallest of tasks difficult, know I'm being totally pathetic, just want to cry.

Can you call your CPN again or see if you can talk to someone else in the department for help? If you get really bad in terms of thoughts of self-harm then you can call 111 for assistance.

Few things

1. Moving house is up there with one of the most stressful things you can go through, so that will be contributing.
2. Work isn't going to happen when you are feeling so low as you will have difficulty 'selling' yourself at interview.
3. Poss not a good time to start a new relationship.

A good idea would be to go and talk to your family and ask for help to get through this. I know you're not keen on it, but I am guessing that they have already noticed that things aren't right and keeping them shut out helps no one. Hope you can find the strength to do that x

Sorry shouldn't have two threads going, will just use this one. Feel like giving up now, it's too much. Things aren't getting better and I've failed at asking for support, so that's it. Giving up the fight. If I could now I would.

I'm so tired and should just go to sleep, can't concentrate on anything, tv is just irritating me. Too much going on in my head though. Trying to spend nice time with dd but she's not in the best of moods which I know is down to me, so I don't know if I'm doing more damage than good. I wish I could just say to someone, have her for a week, let me just stay in bed and hide away. But that's not going to happen, I'm on my own, and think I want help. Want to tell family about my diagnosis but finding it hard, waiting for the right time. But keep thinking it's too late now. Maybe I should do something to take away this awful pain, then they'll know.

sorry for your situation Gracieloo. :(
can your mum look after your dd for a while, or dd's father could look after her?
maybe you need some time on your own to recover, recharge your batteries?

I can't ask them to have her any more than they do. And with all the stuff going on in my head, it's worse when I'm on my own, although I'm planning to be on my own tonight.

Why is everything so hard? I can't even decide which clothes to put on dd. Just gave up and lay on her bed. Everything feels in slow motion. I look a mess but don't care, been going to bed half dressed, not cleaning teeth. I don't want to see anyone but I know isolating myself is making things worse, but I can't get myself out of this. Just need to get dd to nursery then come back to bed.

Ok I've rang them, another cpn is going to ring me back. Don't know why I'm doing this. Anxiety is through the roof!

Hearts pounding and feeling shaky. This is getting harder. Want to say so much but said it all before and it doesn't matter now anyway

Did someone call you back?

Did a cpn ring you back?

Hope you've managed to get some contact/support from them.

Been driving around, feel in a daze. Trying to work out what to do. Nothing seems to be going right. People keep saying things will get better, but all I can think is I want to die so badly. Wish I could do it without hurting others.

A cpn rang back, was lovely, I got upset, said I was struggling. She said she didn't know me so what would help etc. In the end we agreed I would throw away spare meds (I didn't), stay at my mums(I didn't) and phone out of hours if I have to. She'll get my cpn to call me on mon.

They were really sensible things to agree to. Why not go to your mum's tomorrow?

I suspect she'll know that there's something wrong and wants to help, you need to let her Gracie, so you can get through this weekend without struggling so much - or at least struggling somewhere you have support.

This is only going on what I've read of your posts and my own experience (so not trained etc), but are you turning away help and care because you don't feel you deserve it?

That it makes you feel uncomfortable/(dis?)stressed when it's offered because you have such a low opinion of yourself that it feel as though it's deceptive to take them up on it because you think you're not worth it and can't understand why they can't see the same person you do?

I'm only asking because I've felt/feel the same and struggle with it.

I'm seeing her in the morning so can't do anything now no matter how much I want to, I don't want her and dd finding me. Just need to wait for the right time. Might have to be next weekend which feels too far away. Sorry for saying this, I just think now, it's not about getting better, that's too hard and taking too long, it's when I can stop this pain.

Yes agent, I think all that. I don't understand why people want to help. I'm obviously a selfish messed up person for being like this. And now I've been told it's a personality disorder, I can't be changed and I can't live like this and ruin dd's life.