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Original poster

Confused and scared

292 replies

GracieLoo · 03/04/2013 22:30

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

OP posts:
Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/04/2013 16:26

With family this pm as means dd is entertained and happy. Feel like a spare part, got no energy and feel fuzzy headed. Snuck away upstairs for a sneaky lie down on the spare bed. So worried about going to work tomorrow and how I'm going to handle being there feeling like this. And will have to have the back to work chat, and put up with people asking why I was off. Ct were trying to arrange when to see me but it's impossible on my work days so reckon they will discharge me back to cpn. I don't want to do this anymore! Don't want to bs near dd, I'm horrible

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AgentZigzag · 21/04/2013 16:52

You're not horrible Gracie!

Do you feel able to give an indication to anyone in your family that things aren't maybe as good as they could be?

If you're at your mums hope she's feeling better.

Just give the people at work a generic answer, parents are always picking up lurgies when they've got a child at school. And try not to give a shit whether they believe you or not, even if they're asking because they care about whether you're feeling better it's not really anything to do with them.

The ct have to help you round what hours you have to work (well, you'd hope they would) I want to say they maybe need a bit of time to get their shit together, but any time they're not helping, you're having to live the minutes/seconds of feeling like you do. That's not OK.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/04/2013 18:01

I really want to hand in my notice tomorrow, or just not go back. I know I should care but I don't. I know the week off has made it harder to go back, but I feel like crying.

There are too many people here, going home soon as I can't stand it much longer. Dd hasn't really noticed me, apart from saying 'mummy doesn't like me, she's frowning at me' at meal time. I don't mean it, just feel so irritable and on edge.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/04/2013 20:39

I know there's no one around this eve but I need to get this off my chest before I go mad! I had an awful day, family did see I was struggling and took over with dd to help out. Felt so tense driving home and really wanted to flip the car. I don't know where to go from here, where's my life going, everything's a mess and i'm turning into a selfish, impatient mum who can't do anything. Feel in a bad place right now.

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AgentZigzag · 21/04/2013 21:12

It's good your family were helping out with your DD, but it doesn't mean you're a spare part, it means they love you and want to ease your burden (not that your DD is a burden).

Did they ask why you had to go for a lay down?

With your job, could you give the ct a bit of time to try and help you before you made any decisions about it? You've stuck with this (life) so far, don't give up on it yet.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 21/04/2013 21:30

I don't what to do! I'm so stressed about everything, being so pathetic.

No, no questions were asked! Guess they're just used to me. I think I will hand my notice in and deal with the consequences. Things can't get worse, well I suppose they can and i'm making things worse but i'm not thinking straight and feel scared all the time.

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AgentZigzag · 21/04/2013 22:42

I really want to reassure you it's not being pathetic for this to be scaring you and spacing you out.

Anything I say like try to keep calm and try not to overthink things just sounds so lame because I know it's not as easy as thinking your way out of it.

If only eh?

Can you manage without the job? Will it isolate you further even though it's a struggle to keep it inside while you're there?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 06:43

This is so hard, anxiety is it an all time high, feeling shaky and leaving it to the last minute to get up. Got to get myself and dd ready and it's too hard. But I have no reason to not go to work, just my stupid head messing about.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 12:20

Really, really struggling. I'm not able to do much, no confidence or motivation and trying not to cry. I don't think I can do this again tomorrow, making me feel worse.

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cappuccinodays · 22/04/2013 12:36

hi GracieLoo
are you at work?

nenevomito · 22/04/2013 13:09

Hi Gracie - sorry for not looking in much, but a busy few days. Well done for getting into work. Keep going - you can do it.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 19:23

Made it through a bloody hard day, horrible. I know it's good I went, but I'm really doubting my abilities to do it. Feel crap, and I know I'm repeating myself but don't see a future. Don't want to be here. I've never felt this bad and nothing's making me happy, things that should such as dd. Our bond, if we had one, is being damaged. Not seeing any hope. Sorry to be so negative. And don't worry about not always being around babyheave, really appreciate your support, you don't have to apologise.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 19:52

Had a call from ct and got a meeting with them and cpn on Wednesday to discuss me getting discharged back to cmht. Started crying on the phone, and now can't stop. I know they can't support me for long but feel like a fraud, and feel crap as I don't feel better. Yes they got me through last wkend, but I've got to get through other times. I don't want to rely on people, can't be looked after 24/7. And i'm not planning anything tonight so don't need their care. Chest is tight and urges are bad, but dd is here so.. Was thinking of finances earlier and dd would be ok for the future. I need to have a good think about things.

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nenevomito · 22/04/2013 20:39

I'm a bit cheesed off with them referring you back to the CMHT when you're obviously still in crisis. MH services are so pared to the bone, they can really let people down when they need support. You're obviously still not well FFS.

As for your DD, she's still much better off with you alive, even if you're poorly. If you're poorly you can get better - and believe me you CAN get better. If you're dead you're dead and she'll never get her mum back, ever. That's one heck of a shit thing for a kid to go to.

Doubting your abilities to do your job will go away once you're out of this really bad depression and when you're well you'll be able to feel happy again.

Don't worry about being negative. It comes part and parcel of that horrible illness.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 21:12

Well they obviously think i'm ok, or faking it, whatever, i'm beyond caring now. I feel numb and stuck in a black hole with no way out. I get told only I can help myself, and i'm failing at that so don't know what else to do.

Not comfortable when I see or speak to ct anyway, liked one lady but never know who you are going to get. I think i'm desperately crying out for help, and someone to tell me what to do, but deep down I know it's down to me. I just see one way out though. Told ct the other day dd will be ok if people explain to her, mummy was ill but loved her lots and it's no one's fault.

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nenevomito · 22/04/2013 22:13

Nope, not one way out. Two ways and the getting better way is the one you need to work on.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 22/04/2013 22:31

Cried so much, eyes are stinging, need to try to sleep soon. At least I'm crying now I suppose, don't know what's worse though, feeling numb or uncontrollable crying. This place is only place I don't feel alone. Btw, family have guessed all is not well, just waiting for the right moment to tell them about the bpd diagnosis.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 23/04/2013 11:09

Written my resignation letter. Not sure if it will effect any benefits but hoping to get another job before it comes to that. Probably not doing myself any good but i'm just so miserable.

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nenevomito · 23/04/2013 11:15

How are you doing to manage financially if you quit your job? You will not get Jobseekers as you've made yourself out of work and will struggle to get other benefits.

I know you're miserable, but resigning your job will leave you in a whole heap of mess. Going off sick is better that resigning. If they make you redundant due to competency (i.e. your illness means you're unable to do your job) you will be able to claim.

If you leave you will end up with nowt for at least the first three months.

Original poster
GracieLoo · 23/04/2013 14:21

I haven't done it but feel disappointed in myself. I don't know what I'm doing with my life, always making wrong decisions! So tired, I just want to sleep and not wake up. And I've got that meeting tomorrow with cpn and ct which I know will upset me.

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cappuccinodays · 23/04/2013 14:50

GracieLoo
I think when you are feeling as you do, it isnt wise to make such decisions as to quit your job. I wouldnt make any decision other than deciding to give yourself a chance at getting better and getting that support. You are preempting that the meeting tomorrow will upset you. It may well make you feel a whole load better.
Hang in there and keep posting and give yourself a break as much as you can

AgentZigzag · 23/04/2013 15:57

I agree it's best to go off sick than resign, I had to do that when a job I had was making me really ill and they still paid me until it was clear I couldn't go back.

It's not your fault you're ill, so why should you have to suffer even more because you're finding it impossible to go into work?

If you're going to look for another job does that mean it's this job in particular you're finding difficult?

Original poster
GracieLoo · 23/04/2013 19:24

The job just adds to the stress but at the moment I think any job will be hard, I'm just finding most things hard. And the longer I leave things I need to do, the worse things get. Waiting for a call from the ct, but I don't know why they're bothering. Just got in, too tired to talk to someone I don't know, I'm too tired to think and I don't know what to say. Think I'll just say I'm fine and they can support people who really need it.

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Original poster
GracieLoo · 23/04/2013 19:44

Hate speaking on the phone! And now because I didn't say a lot I won't blame them for discharging me tomorrow. Feel like such a fake. Don't want to see anyone or do anything, everything is pissing me off! They asked if i'm suicidal now, well i'm not actually going to be hanging off a bridge or swallowing pills every time they call. And when I rang them at the weekend, they were useless anyway. Want to scream, feel so ashamed, want to run away.

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nenevomito · 23/04/2013 20:34

When they ask you if you're suicidal, if you are having suicidal thoughts you need to tell them that. They know you're not going to be acting on those thoughts when they call you, but they do need to know if you're still having all of those thoughts.

Talk to them honestly about how you are feeling, about how tired you are and how you can't cope. If you don't they will discharge you back to your CPN. If they DO discharge you back to your CPN, ask about what other support they can offer you as you are still struggling.