Confused and scared

[GracieLoo]

I feel like I'm becoming someone else, like this depression is trying to ruin me and it's winning, and one day it's going to get me. I can't relax, my brain won't switch off. I'm looking after my dd, taking her places, I have to, I'm her mum and we're on our own. But I never feel normal.

Anxiety is taking over, I often drive around and around, voices in my head arguing over where I can go, or not to go or something bad could happen there. I over analyze everything. I'm surprised I get anything done, but I do eventually, after a battle with myself.

I'm scared because everyday is a struggle, if dd wasn't here, I definitely wouldn't be. On the really bad days, I feel she would be better with someone else before I damage her emotionally, and she ends up just like me. I think I've ended up like my dad.

Today I've become obsessed with wanting a baby, as I had a dream I did last night. I feel I will have one, I need to or I can't go on. I know this doesn't sound right, but I just desperately want a normal family. Not sure it will ever happen. I just feel so sad and alone, and I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm scared I'm really not well. I'm aware this post sounds like I'm strange, I'm really not, on the outside, but my head feels so messed up.

You really are doing brilliantly, and I'm not just saying that, it must have taken so much to call them again, and you did it

I meant to ask and don't know if you've said already and I've missed it, but how old is your DD?

For some reason early on in the thread I thought she was only a baby, but your later posts talk about her being older?

I've got two DDs, DD1 is 12 YO and DD2 is 3 YO, bit of a gap but thankfully they get on quite well.

Anyone still awake? Dd is 4. X

I know it's late, this is the worse time. The plan was not a good one, was hoping to talk to friends but they didn't seem to want to listen, I don't blame them. So now I'm back feeling worse than ever and the urges are there, taking over. I'm scared to ring ct and get the same man.

Could you ask to talk to a woman if you got the bloke again?

That would be a totally legit thing to ask for, if you feel you have to (and you really don't have to justify yourself in any way to them) just say you'd feel uncomfortable talking to a man, no need to say any more.

Did you say anything outright to your friends? If you didn't, try not to take it as a knock back that they can't be arsed with you, there could be lots of reasons why they didn't say anything.

Just phoned the ct and they said I'm not on their caseload. They can just sod off, now I know where I stand. Feel utterly worthless now.

Oh FFS!

What are they like??

You're not worthless, it's definitely them and not you.

Did they say whose 'caseload' (how to depersonalise someone in one easy step ) you are and how you can contact them?

It's really not on for them to make you feel you're too much trouble.

You're not, and they should be helping you to have contact with someone who can help you, not making you feel like this.

They rang back and said it was their mistake. But by then I'd started taking a few but haven't told them as the woman was so impersonal. The phone kept cutting out, then when I finally spoke to her she asked what the problem was, I said I'm sat with stuff infront of me, couldn't talk to my friend etc. She said can I move the pills away, I said yes (but didn't). It felt false talking to her. I then said I don't feel like talking anymore, and she said she'd get someone to call in the morning. Crap!

I'm going to ask you to move the pills away as well, but in a personal and caring way.

Please put the pills right away from you pet, down the bog preferably, you've made it this far don't let this fucker get the better of you

Whether you think you're worth it or not, I think you're worth it, and I know - for sure - without any doubt, and I'm 100% on this, your DD would say the same.

How many had you taken? Should you be ringing NHS direct?

I'm not ringing anyone else. Haven't taken enough, felt too sick, left then downstairs and lying in bed. Took about 8 paracetamol and a few ad's, pathetic. Wish I could stomach more.

I shouldn't be saying this stuff, just ignore me pls

Well I'm glad you couldn't stomach any more!

You have to try and anchor yourself to your DD.

(I think, can't find the post now) you said you see her with other people and she'd be happier with them without you, that just is not the case at all. Your DD having good relationships with other people (like her grandparents) doesn't diminish the love and bond she has with you at all.

She won't be OK without you.

I feel like I'm emotionally blackmailing you by using your DD but I don't mean it like that, I'm thinking about it in a realistic way of the bond children have with their main carer, and how such a traumatic thing happening to them can break their spirit.

The love you have for your DD comes over in such a strong way on this thread, I know you're fighting against doing that to her, don't give up that fight.

You can say whatever you want to us.

We're not judging you in any way.

Morning

Did you manage to get some kip in?

Thanks for being there last night. Got 4 hours sleep so feel terrible. Just seen ct, had a good chat, and found out I do have a diagnosis of borderline personality disorder. I asked when was I diagnosed as I've never been told! She's getting me some info on it. It helps a bit to explain why I'm feeling like this.

Feeling wobbly, spaced out, and a thousand thoughts going through my head, but I'm going to try to have a nap, then tonight def take a sleeping pill to get me through this. Still got plans to not be here, but I am! Got to see ct again tomorrow, starting to accept I'm ill. Bloody scared.

It does help having a diagnosis, not only putting a name to the face of your symptoms and being able to research what it's all about, but finding specific support groups and knowing you're not alone and there are other people going through the same thing can make it a bit less isolating.

You have some plans for today and tomorrow and sound very determined, especially like 'but I am!' and 'starting to accept I'm ill'. I know that doesn't mean you're all better and everything's going to be OK, but they're small but solid steps.

I hate this feeling that nothing is real. I feel and look minging, but I don't care. I know I've shut myself off from the world, and hiding away in bed, but it's the only way I feel safe right now. Having thoughts that od'ing is not going to work, thinking of other ways, but trying to push those thoughts away, really am. Jumping off a bridge is tempting right now, but will make do with the sleeping pill tonight to knock me out.

Absolutely terrified of going back to normality next week, ct said going back to work will be a distraction and they'll carry on supporting me. All feels completely overwhelming though.

Isn't being overwhelmed because they've started on the road to helping you better than being overwhelmed because you're coping with this on your own with no lighter bit at the end of the tunnel?

Just give it some time, and yourself, these are big things and no walk in the park.

(and without getting into the best way to do it, don't jump off anything, I had a friend who had schizophrenia who did it off a car park, and it wasn't an instant/painless way to go )

So pleased to hear that you're accepting that you're ill and also bloody joyous that you're still accepting help from the CT. Please stop taking paracetamol though. Its a very unpleasant way to go. There aren't any easy ways to go.

Excellent plan to take a sleeping tablet and get some sleep tonight. Can't be on much tonight as I have stuff on, but will check in x

Taken the sleeping pill, don't feel sleepy yet. Been the longest day, was in a haze for most of it. Eaten 2 pieces of toast and an apple, forgetting how to function properly.

Starting to regret this weekends nearly over and I'm still here. Suicidal urges are still strong but I've no energy to do anything. Maybe after more sleep. But then dd will be back and I'm back to square one. So scared of being left to get on with all this.

Hopefully it will kick in soon. Any chance of taking a bubble bath or something else relaxing before bed?

I'm already lying here, feel sick and anxious. Don't want my life to be like this. How can dd cope with a crazy mum. The diognosis just slipped out when the nurse was talking, and it upset that's been done for a while and no ones discussed it with me.

Ok can't see straight now, be good if I wake up in a week, or better, never. Don't feel like I want to alone, my fault though. I hope I sleep

With your diagnosis, did they all think someone else had discussed it with you and nobody checked to see who'd done it? Or could they have talked to you about it when you had bigger things to cope with and weren't able to take it in?

Is this a good opportunity to talk to them about it now?

Could you get any questions about it you have together to ask them about tomorrow?

Maybe you could ask them about why it's the first you've heard about it?

Oooh, overdone the questions in that post I think, sorry You don't have to answer.

Slept longer but feel groggy and can still taste the zopiclone, it's yuck. Hate waking up with that awful feeling of 'omg, another day, something bads going to happen'. Then takes a while to be able to get out of bed, making a drink seems a mission. This must sound silly to some people.

With the diagnosis, I've had different assessments when I've been referred for psychology/day hospital etc, so assuming this is when it was decided? But my then cc never said anything, and I remember asking if there was anything and she said it's not always beneficial to have a diagnosis. I will talk to my cpn about it. Have had to cancel appt with ct as plans changed and I have my dd. They said to phone them tonight. Makes me feel very uneasy I now have three days until I see anyone as have to work mon and tues.

Really struggling this morning, don't feel strong at all.