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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 14/04/2013 17:25

Take care fluffy thinking of you.

Sunnywithshowers · 14/04/2013 17:45

Hello fluffy massive hugs to you, I hope you are enjoying the warm weather. xxx

pepperrabbit · 14/04/2013 17:51

Hello fluffy, I have missed both the deleted posts but admire your measured responses.
I'm glad you've enjoyed the sunshine. My DH has taken the kids to see his family for the day, I wasn't quite up to it today. It was sunny here till roughly 15 minutes before my washing was completely dry - then it poured. Grrr!

TheSilveryPussycat · 14/04/2013 23:25

Hi fluffy been feeling v down so have mostly been lurking, thank goodness I am feeling much better today, it was v short lived. I am so sorry you are having to live with feeling bad for so long, you are doing a good job of that, just keeping on is the job in hand. I agree with pepper about your measured responses.

Flowery leggings now! I think I am going to have to buy a pair, even though at my age I might have to stick to wearing them around the house...

Elderflowergranita · 15/04/2013 01:01

Fluffy, I love your brave and articulate posts. Hope things get a little brighter for you soon. x

kizzie · 15/04/2013 11:02

Hi fluffy Glad the leggings have had another outing.
Hope your week is ok.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 15/04/2013 15:04

Got a letter this morning about a referal that has been done about me, it is a bit scary really. I knew it had been done, but seeing it on paper makes it real (if that makes sense?)

I attempted last night but was found quite quickly (someone checked me on the off chance). Had a massive sleep after that which I think I needed.

Had a bit of a shout this morning about everything, sometimes I just feel so frustrated and then I hear myself and I just sound awful. Ughhh. Everyone asks me how I am and my answer is always "shit" so depressing! I sometimes lie but then they know I am lying so what is the point.

On a brighter note it is sunny and warm(ish) and my husband is visiting tonight.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 15/04/2013 16:47

Hope you enjoy your visit :)

TheSilveryPussycat · 15/04/2013 20:47

I'm afraid I answer 'how are you?' honestly, when I'm feeling a bit bad (nothing like you though Sad Flowers ) 'Feeling a bit fed up' or at best 'Bearing up' I grunt, while knowing I should just be saying 'Fine' or the person asking will be perplexed Confused

But in your situation it's better you say how you feel, especially if it's a member of staff asking you.

We've had a lovely sunny day here too.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 15/04/2013 20:54

Are you feeling any better silvery?

Seen Dr, seen DH (briefly - he is full of man flu), whined a bit and whinged. Usual Monday ;)

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 15/04/2013 21:04

I am feeling a lot better thanks, fluffy. Had some stuff I was sorting in my head re DF - we both have Asperger's (I'm pretty sure) which leads to occasional fireworks, the most recent when I visited the other week. But these days I seem to actually get sorted, instead of getting stuck feeling down like I used to.

Did the Dr say much? any help at all? Hope DH gets over his ailment soon. It's so good that you are able to whine and whinge to him, he sounds lovely is he good looking?

Sunnywithshowers · 15/04/2013 22:35

I'm glad you were found lovely xxx

I hope you sleep well tonight and tomorrow is a better day x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 18/04/2013 13:22

It is very sunny here :)

I had a terrible night last night involving A&E, the police and seclusion but feel a bit brighter today and have still managed to hold off a PICU admission (thank God). Some stuff is messing with my head a bit today but will try and speak to my key worker about that. Hopefully will have a peaceful day and night. I didn't get to sleep until 5am and got up at 10am so I might have a little nap.

Went out with DH yesterday which was nice, I have discovered cookie pies at Morrisons. V.v.yummy!

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 18/04/2013 16:32

I'm sorry to hear you had such a bad night, Fluffy. Glad you got a lie in.

Sunnywithshowers · 18/04/2013 16:41

Enjoy your nap Fluffy, it sounds like you need it. Take care of yourself xxx

pepperrabbit · 18/04/2013 19:20

We had gloom, sunshine, a monster thunder rain & hail storm, rainbows and sun again here!
Hope you got your nap.

TheSilveryPussycat · 19/04/2013 10:48

Hoping you caught up with some sleep fluffy.

Looked at leggings at George @ Asda yesterday but they were all a bit meh. New Look beckons.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 19/04/2013 13:46

It is very gloomy here today, I am very tired still. Didn't have a sleep yesterday but had a good sleep last night but still feel worn out.

DH is visiting later and I have had a chicken sandwich for my lunch. Thrilling ;)

I think Sainsburys is good for leggings and boohoo.com, I am boring today in skinny jeans ;)

OP posts:
EmmaGellerGreen · 20/04/2013 20:13

It's been a glorious sunny day here today, hope you've seen some sun and had a good day.

TheSilveryPussycat · 21/04/2013 15:47

Just a quick pop in and a [hug] and a Brew

I have been transcribing the notes from my last admission. They make interesting reading.

SnowyMouse · 21/04/2013 17:24

Hope you got a nap fluffy

Sunnywithshowers · 21/04/2013 17:40

Hi fluffy I hope you're feeling okay today.

Arf at chicken salad sandwich, you're definitely living life on the edge Grin

Big hugs x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 21/04/2013 18:46

Have seen my SIL and BIL today which was lovely, we played Scrabble and Pass the Pigs. I have also painted my fingernails (lilac) and toenails (sparkly red), DH is bringing the guinea pig in a bit because he is not well and we are going to have him put down this week :( So I am saying goodbye.

It is much cooler here today, very cloudy.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 21/04/2013 18:54

I'm sorry fluffy :(

TheSilveryPussycat · 21/04/2013 19:36

Sorry to hear about the gp Sad but at least you are able to say goodbye Sad

Pets (first cats, then rats, then DCat (siiting at my feet)) have been a great comfort in my life.