Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

[Fluffydressinggown]

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

Hoping you have a peaceful night Fluffy. Watching my most favourite film ever, Pulp Fiction. Tomorrow is another day. X

Hello lovely

I'm sorry you had a bad night, I hope you sleep better tonight.

Big hugs xxx

Had a more peaceful night but woke up with a cold. DH visiting later.

Watching Irish Don't Tell the Bride.

hope you may have a calmer week fluffy; your DH is a gem.

Full of cold, feeling sick thinking about seeing the Dr today, PICU seems like it could be a possibility. None of the options are great :(

I'm sorry Fluffy, I hope whatever happens with the Dr is the most helpful for you. Huge squeezy hugs xxx

I hope you get the least worse option. Thinking of you.

I am still full of cold and sulking big style.

I saw Dr yesterday, am now on 30 minute obs and have been told that if I do anything I am straight into seclusion and then into PICU for a lengthier stay. Pretty shit.

Been told I will not be coming off my Section soon as well, I have an appeal on the 17th but not sure whether I will do it. We shall see.

Feel very tired today. Went out last night which was Ok.

I suppose, if I disappear you might have an idea of what has happened. I will avoid being too dark, so will say that if I am not around you know I might well be in PICU sans internet.

fluffy, I usually lurk but wanted to say hello today.
The good news is that the Dr didn't put you straight into seclusion or PICU, so must feel that it is not an immediate need and is just possibly something that you can control?
Are you doing any of your beautiful colouring? I do jigsaws when I need some space, but I get very cross if anyone tries to "help"
I hope you get some peaceful nights and be assured there are many many people here looking out for your posts and wishing you well.
x

Hello lovely

I'm glad you didn't go straight into PICU, it sounds like you had the least worst option yesterday.

Big squeezy hugs Fluffy. If you do go into PICU we'll still be waiting here when you get out xxx

Thinking of you fluffy, good luck

Thank you for your kind replies.

I have had a beautiful nap this afternoon, I never ever nap so it was lovely.

Yes I do still colour in and I do do jigsaws. I am doing a gigantic winnnie the pooh one at the moment, very, very, slowly though.

Just trying to get through each half an hour. Feel sick about everything at the moment, it all feels so hard and so scary.

Hope you're getting through the hours, big hugs.

Glad you had a nap, sleep can be a refuge as well as a restorative.

Thanks for your helpful comments. I am not a kid and I am not misbehaving. You have no idea what goes on for me, the staff dont trust me even when I do nothing because of my history and because my capacity and control fluctuates. Discharge us not on the cards at all and that has been made clear to me.

Had a tough few days but still here, still sad. Just trying to get through the days.

Resurrection - what a nasty, unnecessary comment. I have reported it.

Fluffy - please ignore that. You sound a lovely person and I really hope that you carry on making progress.

Resurrection - why are you on a ward then? Why don't you just ' pull yourself together' and go home and leave a bed for those who need it?! Comments like these make people scared to admit they're ill.

Fluffy- I regularly check your thread, I'm currently struggling and never have much advice. It is hard for other people to understand, I don't get it myself why I want to SH/od so much, I expect you don't either. Take care

Emma and Gracie thank you so much for your support after that nasty post.

I am watching Alien on Film4, trying to distract myself. Hmm.

Hi fluffy - enjoy film :-) (ignore that message - glad to see whatever it was has been deleted)

Hi fluffy - glad whatever that post said has been deleted. I always come and check in and see how you are. Hope you enjoy the film and have had an ok few days. Has your DH been in recently?

Hi Fluffy, just thought I'd doff my hat, saw your post on the Yoni thread I think it was where you said you were sectioned then found this tonight. I've had similar symptoms to yours but have got back to ground zero. The thing that saved me was the doubt that maybe the signs were not from God but the Devil interfering. The God I was raised with wouldn't want me to harm myself or anyone else. It's terrifying and wearing to be getting constant signs I know and much easier to just start accepting them. Anyway, the weirdest thing is that meds can take the signs away for me, hope it's the same for you though I know they take a while to kick in. It's terrible you are in the position to be able to try to take your life so regularly. I always thought as an inpatient you'd be much more protected. Good luck with it all.

Thanks again for your helpful comments. I am not going to justify myself to you. I mean, obviously it makes me feel crap when someone is so very rude to me, but, you clearly have your own problems so...

I very much hope that people reading this thread know that I am not expecting people to fix me, or find a solution for me. That is what my MH team and myself have to do (or try to). I know that nobody can save me or resuce me, I guess I just like typing it out and the replies are nice. Which I guess is a kind of attention seeking, but I mean nice in the sense that it is lovely to have support and someone to chat to, rather than I post dramatic things to make people reply and pay me attention. Does that make sense?

Had a really bad night last night but I am here and chugging on. DH is coming soon, we had a Chinese last night (fried rice). Had a huge cry with a lovely healthcare which helped, sometimes I think I need to cry more. Played an awesome game of Scrabble as well. Have broke the flowery leggings out again, it is really warm here today, but really windy!

Oh dear, reported again. Please ignore it Fluffy. X