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Original poster

Waiting for the crisis team - support needed.

999 replies

Fluffydressinggown · 14/01/2013 18:23

I have posted on the sertraline thread but wanted to post elsewhere.

I have been feeling increasingly unwell over the past few weeks and my self harm has increased. In the past week I have started to see signs from God that I should kill myself. I know that these are irrational thoughts but I am finding it hard not to believe them.

I saw my psychologist today and I was very upset because I feel so confused. I know what the signs are telling me but I am so scared. I don't know what the right thing to do is.

After I saw him I sat in my car for an hour outside the CMHT office, I couldn't move or do anything I just felt so stuck. The songs on the radio were giving me signs and I know that I have to hurt myself properly but I am so scared.

I went back inside and spoke to him again. He rang the crisis team and said that he had told them that while I am normally very high risk at the most they felt I was at a significant risk of harm that could only be managed in hospital.

They are coming out at 8pm to assess me for an admission.

I am so scared. I have been IP twice in the past six months. I feel like such a failure. I know I am seeing connections that aren't there, and my psychologist said that I am delusional but I can't shake it.

I am scared of an admission, scared of being at home and killing myself tonight. Scared. :(

I am not a bad person but all of these signs are showing me that I am.

OP posts:
Scheherezade · 31/03/2013 22:02

It is quite shit isn't it.

DP back, but DS (18mo) so happy to see him that he wouldn't go to bed! So DP had to go lie down with him in our bed. I think we can let him off for tonight :)

Are you on the acute ward and off PICU now? What are the other patients like? Any good food to scoff in the patient kitchen? The MBU had a great kitchen, had cake and bics and loadsa good stuff.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 31/03/2013 22:07

Yes been on the normal ward for three weeks now, back where I was last spring/summer, (no laptops in PICU). I have gone downhill recently though and PICU has been mentioned again :(

Other patients ok, lots of people on leave over the bank holiday so it has been settled. Quite a few psychotic/manic people but there are people I can chat to so it is ok. There is a woman who doesn't like me but that is life I guess.

I don't eat hospital food at all (OCD) so I wouldn't know Blush

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Sunnywithshowers · 31/03/2013 22:45

Hello Fluffy like Scheherezade said, you are absolutely not a failure. You sound like a lovely person and you are dealing with a lot.

Massive hugs to you lovely, I hope that PICU won't be necessary. xxx

TheSilveryPussycat · 31/03/2013 22:58

fluffy I so relate to feeling like a failure. But just because you feel like a failure does not mean you are one - it is the illness talking, and then that feeds back into the illness.

Sometimes, even most times, is not the same as all the time, so I was heartened by your choice of words.

How about giving up on fighting the psychiatric help, rather than giving up on ignoring the signs? Hope that doesn't sound too glib or harsh.

warm wishes to you and DH

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 02/04/2013 00:25

I have now watched the same Elvis DVD 7 times, grrr.

I am not feeling brilliant today, tomorrow is a difficult day for me and so I think that is on my mind.

I saw DH today which was nice and there have been nice staff on.

OP posts:
Scheherezade · 02/04/2013 00:29

If you have a laptop, could you get lovefilm? Think we pay £5pm AMD unlimited online streaming

Scheherezade · 02/04/2013 00:29

And*

Sunnywithshowers · 02/04/2013 00:38

Hello Fluffy

I feel for you with the Elvis DVD. You're a better woman than me watching it 7 times :)

I hope tomorrow isn't as bad as you fear, it's always horrible to be anxious about what's coming up.

Much love to you Fluffy xxx

TheSilveryPussycat · 02/04/2013 00:45

When I was in in 2003, I lost count of the times I heard the Emanem album which was then current - belonged to another patient and she played it over and over. Luckily most times I heard it I quite enjoyed it...

Do you feel up to reading? although usually the choice in hospital is dire but - DH could buy a book

Scheherezade · 02/04/2013 00:49

Or netflix

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 02/04/2013 15:29

Have cried a bit today.

Netflix/love film are a no go because my internet is not always very reliable. DH has been putting films on my computer for me.

I have a Kindle but rarely feel like reading these days. Played a bit of Scrabble and watched TV mostly. DH coming later on.

Seeing Dr later, bit nervous.

OP posts:
SnowyMouse · 02/04/2013 16:06

Good luck fluffy, thinking of you.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 02/04/2013 20:51

Well I am still on constants.

My DH visited and as he left another patient assaulted me so all a bit stressful.

Hmm.

OP posts:
Sunnywithshowers · 02/04/2013 20:57

Oh fluffy I'm sorry to hear that, what a shit day. I hope you're bearing up?

Big hugs xxx

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 03/04/2013 20:37

Slightly better day today, still on constants but ok. Seen DH and had a good cry. Quite tired with everything.

Have a nice bruise on my leg from being kicked yesterday.

OP posts:
TheSilveryPussycat · 04/04/2013 00:30

A good cry with your DH around sounds quite therapeutic.

So sorry to hear you were assaulted, but so glad to hear today was a bit better. Keep on keeping on, dear fluffy

kizzie · 04/04/2013 09:44

Just some Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers Flowers for you fluffy . Hope today ok.

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 04/04/2013 22:54

Thank you kizzie

I am seeing the Dr tomorrow to review my constants, not sure how I feel, sometimes I feel like I have to be positive when I am constants, like, it is hard enough for the staff to spend time with me without me whinging.

Beaten DH at Scrabble, watched Masterchef, now watching Celebrity Juice. My Mum sent me some nice new PJs so I am wearing them.

OP posts:
kizzie · 04/04/2013 23:15

Hope meeting with Dr goes ok tomorrow.
I LOVE having new PJ's. Even better - new pj's on the radiator first. Im easily pleased Grin

Theladyinthevan · 05/04/2013 16:59

Hi Fluffy

Just de lurking to let you know not a day goes past when I don't check in on you. I think you are incredibly brave and courageous, a real inspiration.

Hope the sun is shining with you, it is here Smile

Sunnywithshowers · 05/04/2013 17:12

Hello lovely

I hope your appt with the Dr goes well today.

Big hugs and Flowers x

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 05/04/2013 22:30

Thank you for your lovely words :) It has been very sunshiney here today, I have been wearing shoes not boots!!

Off constants, had some leave, went out with a nurse and bought loads of new things for the unit which was nice.

OP posts:
Theladyinthevan · 06/04/2013 18:32

Nothing like a little bit of retail therapy to make a girl Smile x

eastereggnog · 06/04/2013 19:42

Hi Fluffy! it's vacuuming here, I've namechanged! I was so delighted to find your thread again as it had fallen off 'threads I'm on' and last time I went rooting for it your were in PICU! Your DH sounds amazing, don't you go giving up on him either. I've found a new obsession, bloody candy crush on Facebook! Lovely weather here today, feels all springy!

Original poster
Fluffydressinggown · 06/04/2013 23:12

Mixed day really, had a terrible night last night had to be restrained :( Had a good chat with the nurse today though, she said she thought there had been a shift in me.

Went out to Tesco last night and had a Burger King.

Back on constants tonight though, too many attempts to be safe alone.

OP posts: