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Original poster

Driving away

999 replies

Pumble · 28/12/2012 00:52

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

OP posts:
FriggFRIGGisPoorlySick · 12/01/2013 20:48

I've only just seen this thread and I had to respond.

I was you last year.
I thought it would go on forever, I just wanted it all to be over,by any means possible,I couldn't cope,I wasn't living,just surviving,I spent most of my time crying or shouting.i thought it was just how I was,I couldn't see that i was ill.
It went on for over 2 years,from my DC1s birth and got worse with the birth of DC2.

I went to the GP after posting on here,I was put on Sertraline and after a week or so I began to get better,it's only now that I recognise how truley ill I was.

I can see from your posts you are well on your way to recovery,and I just wanted to say a massive well done!
It's going to get better and better,and you will soon begin to recognise yourself again,and be able to enjoy life!
I still struggle with other people,it's my last 'thing' to deal with,I do it,but I don't enjoy it. so don't beat yourself up about that.

You are doing so well,pm me anytime. Smile

magimedi88 · 13/01/2013 19:47

Hope you have had a lovely week end, Pumble.

I'll be around tomorrow if you want/need to chat.

((( x )))

Original poster
Pumble · 13/01/2013 20:13

Really struggling with dd2's evening grumpiness tonight. I know it's fairly typical but for some reason it's really getting to me. She doesn't want feeding, just unsettled. She feeds really well after her bath, lulls you into a false sense of security that she's calm afterwards but before she's put down from winding, the screaming begins. Then she wakes herself up with it and then screams some more. I just feel so useless with it all.

I know I'm also really tense about the long week stretching ahead...

I feel so angry with myself as I was managing to feel so much more positive and in control and now I'm back to feeling useless and snapping at dh again.

OP posts:
ImNotCute · 13/01/2013 20:26

Don't be angry with yourself. It's really great you've had some more positive moments but perfectly natural to have lower times too. Especially as the ADs haven't had time to kick in yet.

I can understand the week ahead being nerve wracking. Do you have much planned or can you line something up? I can get through time alone with the kids better if there are a few things pencilled in to give some structure to it.

ImNotCute · 13/01/2013 20:26

Don't be angry with yourself. It's really great you've had some more positive moments but perfectly natural to have lower times too. Especially as the ADs haven't had time to kick in yet.

I can understand the week ahead being nerve wracking. Do you have much planned or can you line something up? I can get through time alone with the kids better if there are a few things pencilled in to give some structure to it.

ImNotCute · 13/01/2013 20:31

Apologies for double post!

quietbatperson · 13/01/2013 21:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

DeepRedBetty · 13/01/2013 21:23

Just dropping in to see how you are and have a virtual Brew if you feel up to it. Actually sod it it's the evening let's have a virtual Wine!

Sorry pumblett 2 was a Noisy Baby tonight, hope she's settled a bit now.

Original poster
Pumble · 13/01/2013 21:26

Definitely need the stronger drink tonight! She's still going and with each cry I'm feeling more useless. I just want to make it better for her.

OP posts:
NaturalBaby · 13/01/2013 21:54

You're making it better just by being there for her. I really struggle when my little one screams and cries too, it's so hard to listen to when it's not getting better.
I remember ds1 going through a phase where I had to put him in a sling really tightly and go up and down the stairs with really big, bouncy steps. I just wanted to sit on the sofa and cuddle him but only bouncing would do!

I hate the Sunday night feeling too.

What have you got planned for tomorrow?

quietbatperson · 13/01/2013 22:07

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
Pumble · 13/01/2013 22:21

I've given up and given her to dh whilst I've gone upstairs and am crying myself to sleep.

OP posts:
geekette · 13/01/2013 22:33

I don't know what to say to reassure you that you are doing brilliantly well!

to me being a mum is about second guessing another person's physical, mental and emotional state. it is extremely difficult to get all three guesses right ALL the time.
so yes, there will be a few screaming matches but it's all good as you are both learning the ropes Smile
and you seem to have a few bits of your dd2 out already. well done. mine still screams sometimes at bath time

take a rest when you can and don't despair! you are on the right track!

magimedi88 · 13/01/2013 22:57

Little steps, Pumble

You are doing so well - I've said it before but just look at your first post & where you are now.

Hope you get some good sleep tonight.

We'll all be here for you tomorrow & tomorrow's tomorrow...........

((( x )))

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/01/2013 08:23

Hello Pumble

Thinking of you after the weekend, how are you today?

Someone I know likened it to having a little angry foreigner trying to make themselves understood with no volume control. Much as you want to make them welcome you don't always feel they're enjoying the visit. It's soul destroying but it's not personal. She loves you but just has difficulty settling and vocalises that.

As 'hostess with the mostest' you're doing your best to be hospitable. Whether it's little make believe plane rides like quietbatperson suggested (now there's a line I never thought I'd write) walking with DD in a sling or a vibrating or bouncy baby chair, you might find they help.

Upthread somebody mentioned singing Kumbayah, I know the last thing you probably feel like is singing but is there any music you can put on, something for you and DD1 that she might also calm down to?

Do come back on here if you have time and want to chat.

ImNotCute · 14/01/2013 09:50

Sorry you had a bad night and fingers crossed for a better day for you.

Even if you weren't depressed there would sometimes be times when it was all too much. It is very hard work but will definitely be worth it.

When I felt overwhelmed I found some comfort in knowing that even though I felt alone I wasn't really- there are thousands of us across the land all doing the same things to get through the day with young kids without losing our sanity. We can do it!

Sigh of relief here as my oldest is now in school and youngest is asleep, lovely...

TiddlyOmPomPom · 14/01/2013 12:45

Afternoon Pumble, hope you got some sleep last night? I remember crying to myself in the small hours a lot when I was at your stage - always woke up with big puffy eyes the next day, looking like I'd gone several rounds with Frank Bruno!
The ADs haven't started to take effect yet, it's going to take a few weeks I'm afraid.

Try not to think about the whole week if you can, just take it one day at a time - the week will pass, but I know some weeks seem to take a month to pass!

Big hugs xx

magimedi88 · 14/01/2013 16:04

Just popping by to give you a wave, Pumble!!

Little steps.

((( x )))

Original poster
Pumble · 14/01/2013 20:06

Don't really know what to say-having felt so positive for bits of last week I just feel like I'm back to square one. Im pretending to dh that I'm feeling stronger when in reality that's just not true. The hv came today and i lied to her about how I was.
I am just not a good enough mum to the pumbletts. There's no doubt they would be better off without me. I should just go in the night when they're asleep.

OP posts:
FriggFRIGGisPoorlySick · 14/01/2013 20:15

pumble
I know it's hard,but you will get through this.
Remember how you felt when you were feeling a little better?
hold on to that.
And get yourself back to the GP,sounds to me like they need to up your meds a little,because they were beginning to work,and now you're feeling worse again.
It's just a chemical imbalance,you are a fantastic mum,you just can't see it at the moment.

ImNotCute · 14/01/2013 20:52

Hi pumble, you really need to give the meds more of a chance. They won't have kicked in yet. You were sounding a little better, I know sometimes in the past just admitting I was struggling and seeking help gave me a little boost, perhaps you've had something similar?

The 2-3 weeks it takes for the meds to build up can seem unbearably long when you're struggling through each day and night, but you will get there. Sertraline has really helped me, give it a chance.

I hope you have some things planned for the rest of the week at home with your dds. Keep busy if you can and get out in the fresh air.

DonkeysDontRideBicycles · 14/01/2013 21:03

That fleeting moment of the world put to rights was fantastic but slipped away too soon. It will return Pumble it's early days, please don't panic you've come so far. It's still early days on the anti depressant. It can't take effect all at once, please talk to that nice GP for reassurance and stay honest with DH. We are here for you.

LittleBearPad · 14/01/2013 21:10

Big hug Pumble. Try to be honest with your DH and HV as its very tiring pretending to be ok when you aren't and you need your energy to feel better. You are a wonderful mother.

Original poster
Pumble · 14/01/2013 21:24

A rare moment of peace in the house at the moment. Daren't move in case I disturb one of the pumbletts (normally make noise when they're asleep but can't face either waking at the moment). I know you're all probably right about the ADs...

I don't know what I'd do without this thread at the moment. Knowing it's here and I can 'talk' on it really helps - thank you for sticking around for me.

OP posts:
TiddlyOmPomPom · 14/01/2013 22:04

I think you may be doing a similar pattern to what I did - as soon as I'd taken the plunge and seen the GP, started the meds etc, I felt on a bit of a high - mainly just because I was finally dealing with the problem.
A week later I felt like shit again - the ADs hadn't kicked in properly still, and my initial high/relief had passed. I was irrational and on an emotional knife edge.
The thing is tho, in my clearer moments, I could see I was being irrational so I was able to remind myself about it in the low moments, which really helped.

Maybe it could help to have a physical reminder, a note in your wallet, a Post It note on the bathroom mirror, or maybe wear a ring you don't usually wear - just to remind yourself in dark moments that you are on the mend.
xx