Driving away

[Pumble]

I don't know where to post this and don't know what to do. I'm sitting here crying again with my 5 week old dd2 and just know that the best thing I could do for both of my girls is to get in the car and drive. If dd2 ever goes to sleep that is what I must do. I won't be leaving them alone and it will break my heart but it's what will be best for them. They deserve so much better than the useless failure of a mother they have.

I don't know why I'm posting this. I guess to feel less alone

[TanteRose]

yes, I would say you have done a wonderful job bringing up your DD1, to be kind and sensitive and caring

you must talk to your GP or HV - maybe the traumatic delivery of DD2 is affecting you more than you realise

[AdoraJingleBells]

Please, please, talk to a doctor tomorrow.

I was born at home, in the kitchen, literally fell out as my mother was trying to get herself a cup of tea. That wasn't her fault and your baby arriving at home wasn't your fault. It was no-one's fault, some babies are just in bit of a rush.

Re DD1 wiping your tears, in only 20 months you have taught her compassion. That is not a failure.

Even if you don't feel you can talk to DH, at least tell him you need a hug.

Your DC's need you, I know you can't see that right now, but it's true.

[Alonglongway]

I have 2 DDs and they LOVE hearing about their births and comparing notes. Your two have a huge story to play with there!

Corny old crap in some ways but Libby Purves wrote some nice books about the pressure that's on us to be perfect mothers - when actually we should just do what we can do and love each other and enjoy the moment

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

Your babies love you. They need you. Crying does not make you a bad mother. Beating, starving and abandoning them makes you a bad mother. You are just a tired mother who has had a shit time, and needs some extra help. Go and talk to your mum. Thats what mums are for.

[Pumble]

You're all being so lovely which I'm sure I don't deserve. I just don't know how to talk to about this. (my inability to settle dd2 in the last three hours isn't helping.

[Sleepingbunnies]

Let DH settle DD2 and you get some rest... Tomorrow
Is another day.. X

[noteventhebestdrummer]

You are a good mum!
This is a good place to talk, especially in the night when things feel worse than ever and there are always people here to help, don't hesitate to use this resource.
But yes, see your GP really soon. I bet your hormones are all over the place, quite normal, you sound exhausted and stressed out and you can get real help with coping. Your second birth sounds like you were really shocked, you poor thing.
Do hug your DH and your mum and have a cry if it helps!

[Sleepingbunnies]

^ I second everything she said!! :)

[Beckamaw]

I could have posted your OP 8 months ago. It is so hard. You feel brittle all of the time, hormones everywhere, sore and exhausted. It is like drowning.
Everyone thinks you must be over the moon, but you just feel totally fucked.
Small babies are often cranky. There is no universal strategy other than time.
I respect you, I sympathise and I genuinely care. I think you are a wonderful Mummy. What a lovely little one you have there!

Talk and cry.
I did, and it helped so much.
I bet your DH has no idea that you feel so wretched.

And have a hug.

[MrsJingleBells74]

Pumble, if you were a bad mother you wouldn't even be considering what your children deserve. All they need is you, but they need you well & happy. If you left them they would forever wonder why & blame themselves. Please speak to your GP or HV as soon as you can.

After I had DS1 I had terrible PND, I wanted to walk into traffic & not stop. I felt my DS1 deserved a much better mother than I could ever be. I spoke to my GP, got help & got through it. I'm not saying I don't struggle occasionally, we all do, but I cope. Please PM me if I can help, I know how terrible it feels.

[AndFanjoWasHisNameO]

Oh lovely-please don't think you're a bad mum, all that is coming across is how fabulous and thoughtful a mum you are!
I 'm constantly crying in front of my 20 month old (pregnant) and she loves 'minding' me.
You are immediately post partum and you will be physically and emotionally drained. If you're staying with parents can you ask mum to take a turn overnight, or just get tonight out of the way and have a couple of hours rest in the morning?
I remember feeling this way, so very desperate and that my babies would be far better off without me. I promise it passes ring your midwife or GP please, there is no shame in PND if it turns out to be that.
Seriously, one day we 'll all smile with youabout this in a few months. Be kind to yourself and remember that everything is at least a million times worse in the middle of the night

[lemontruffles]

Another one who could have written your post after second child was born, and who also wanted to drive off, and who also sincerely believed my kids would be better without me as their mum because I felt sooo useless.

I wasn't, and haven't been, useless ('kids' now 22 and 19). I was depressed, any my poor exhausted thoughts were all over the place. Please talk to a sympathetic health professional - health visitor, gp - you need support. I got the vital support I needed via my amazing health visitor, and it helped me turn myself around so that I could understand my own worth again.

You are clearly a truly lovely mother because your 20 month old shows you kindness and sympathy when she sees you are sad, and where did she learn to be so kind? From you, her lovely kind mother, that's who.

Please surround yourself with the support and kindness you need; you sound sad and in need, and you also sound like a warm hearted and lovely person who is a bit depressed after the birth of your child.

[jessjessjess]

Please please please call Samaritans on 116123

You are NOT useless or a failure

I am so sorry you feel so low

[R2PeePoo]

Pumble, if you were a bad mum you would have gone without looking back. You would be half way to the next town, radio on, singing away without a care in the world. But you aren't, are you?

You have a beautiful child who can recognise someone is sad and wants to make them better. Thats testament to your care as a mother over the last twenty months.

You are sad, you are struggling and you are depressed. No-one can help you unless you let them know. The doctor can help, after two visits where I was the worlds best actress, the third time I broke down and they helped me through it, helped me get better. I went home and I told DH everything- he had no idea. He helped me too. So did my family. But they had no idea I was feeling like that. You don't need to keep it inside, keep it going, honestly, ask for help.

[Southsearocks]

I felt like you did after having my DS. I had terrible post natal depression and didn't realise how much it was affecting my thoughts and behaviour until I was treated for it.

Make an appointment to see your GP asap. Your girls love you and need you. And don't be so hard on yourself x

[AndFanjoWasHisNameO]

How are you this morning Pumble? Hope you got a little bit of sleep and are feeling clearer today chick

[Sleepingbunnies]

Hope you had an easier night... Xx

[Pumble]

Well I didn't drive anywhere but am sitting here now feeling the same as last night but with a smile on my face. I'm worried if I tell anyone or see the gp they will judge me for my failings.

Thank you all for being so kind.

[mockeveryweek]

Please think seriously about telling someone, anyone how you are feeling.

It can get better. You can get help. Your girls love and need you.

Telling the first person will be the first step and then it will only get better.

Hugs.

[magimedi88]

I'm worried if I tell anyone or see the gp they will judge me for my failings.

You've already taken a big step in telling all of us here on MN - at least 40 strangers.

Has a single person judged you? No. Nor has anyone said you are a failure.

You are so obviously a wonderful Mum, who is, sadly, not well at the moment.

Please talk to someone in real life - I promise you that no one will judge you or call you a failure.

How you are feeling is an illness. If you had pneumonia you would go for help & accept it. This is no different, honestly.

[sittinginthesun]

Everything Magimed said! Of course no one will judge you. Your hormones are probably doing somersaults at the moment, not to mention recovering from the trauma of your baby's arrival.

What will make it better is talking about it. Can you talk to your DH, or a RL friend?

Sending lots of very unMumsNetty hugs. X

[DeafLeopard]

Magimed "How you are feeling is an illness. If you had pneumonia you would go for help & accept it. This is no different, honestly. "

^^ This.

[AndFanjoWasHisNameO]

Oh good-a tiny smile is a step
No one can judge you as there is really nothing to judge! You're having totally normal, acceptable feelings that a LOT of us went through.
Please try and talk to a professional though, you may need checking out, and more importantly-ask for help. If, like me you just keep your head down and carry on but feel like you're dying inside- people just don't know. Nor can we expect them to.
My DH (who is usually quite good) didn't realise I was close to breaking point last week as I'd plastered a smile on. Share so people can help you. Have a lovely day x

[CatPussRoastingOnAnOpenFire]

NOW LISTEN HERE! This is Munsnet. If there was ANY judging to be done, it would have been done here already! And has it? Absolutely NOT. You will be ok, things will get better, but you MUST speak to someone. Remember, a problem shared is a problem halved! You really have taken the first step, coming here, now just keep going....