Planning - what would you do?

[funnymum71]

I've been planning my death tomorrow, all day today. I am in contact with services and they had made me promise not to do anything over xmas as it would fuck up my children and ruin christmas for them forever. My brain has decided that tomorrow would be OK as its not christmas any more. I don't want to contact the crisis team again. I don't want to make myself look even more of a needy idiot than I have been doing over the last few weeks. I hate being like this. Its so far removed from the well me that sometimes I don't even recognise the person I've become or the way that I'm behaving.

I have made plans. I've even worked out what I will write to my other half and what I will write to the children. This isn't good. I know that it will fuck them up whether or not its christmas, so why am I doing this? Why do I feel like there's no way out. I'm so tired of the whole fucking thing.

I came across your thread today for the first time. How is today going?

It really resonated with me. 3 years ago I was in the danger zone of appearing to function (to HCPs) but knowing that what I was experiencing wasn't normal for me. I was also told work was too much for me and to give it up. I also had a well formulated plan of how I was going to end it all which thankfully was interrupted.

I hope you can find a way to hang on in there while you are in this really awful place. I'm so thankful I did now - but I was off work almost a year and then had a 3 month phased return.

On a positive note, 3 years down the line I have even had a little promotion (covering someone's mat leave). When I was off sick I could never have imagined that was possible - the thought of returning at all seemed impossible.

It does sound like you need rest, space and a supportive psychiatrist to experiment with the meds until you reach equilibrium again. I feel so confident that you will - bi polar disorder is so treatable but it takes time.

What you don't need is HCPs who think a behavioural approach is the answer to everything. Avoid, avoid, avoid. And if you can't avoid, switch them off and what you can't switch off vent on here.

Thinking of you today, and hope things stabilise soon.

Cross post! Sorry it was the unhelpful woman today from CT.

When I was in a similar position, I was advised that financial catastrophe was more likely to happen if I stuck it out at work and then getting pushed out on capability grounds. Whereas if I went off sick while they still thought reasonably highly of me, I could then come back and would be able to sort out finances once I was working again.
And that is exactly what happened. We had to accept loans (from family) take a mortgage break, defer bills...but it was worth it in the end. Do you have any equity in your house - would that be an option?

All the best - will be thinking of you - and will check in later.

Sorry that PITA woman was a PITA. At least she's consistent, if nothing else!! (silly mare). I'd bet my life that you are not the only person to experience her like that

Did you have any more thoughts about your friend's offer of a loan? and have you looked into any other options financially? ^^ (sorry I'm not well up on what's available, but could the CAB advise? There must be lots of other people in your position) x

The problem with loans is paying them back. What if I can't make it back to work and then I have to consider how I pay someone back along with my other commitments. "Never a borrower or a lender be" rings very true with me. Mainly, it has to be said, because the two people I've ever lent money to never paid me back and turned out to be utter twats.

This morning I was feeling OK, not great, but not awful. This afternoon, not so much. I've handled more today than I have done in a few weeks. I've had both DCs as DH is ill and when he managed to get himself downstairs, I had to go out to the shops as we were almost out of nappies and milk. By the time I got back from the shops I was an anxious wreck again, so its back to relying on the drugs. It seems like so long as I don't have any pressure on me at all, I'm OK. Picking up nappies and playing with a dolls-house with DD should not be sending me over the edge, but they do.

I just wish the thoughts of self-harm would go away now. They are so, so, tiresome. My head says the only way to stop them now is to go and jump wherever I get to first. My grasp on reality says that the other option is to stick with it and get better instead. It doesn't help that I've spent the afternoon working out what music I want played at my funeral. Fucking iplayer.

mary I do have concerns that they'll have me on capability if I go off again. I just wish I wasn't responsible for all of the family finances as then it would be easier to let go of my job. But no job = no home and a huge mess. I have no idea which is the best thing to do at all, so will give it a go and see what happens.

Funnymum, I think it is really good you made it to the shops today even if it was really hard. You are feeling suicidal, and I am wondering what it is you think you would get from death? I know that may sound a very strange question but in my own suicidal periods I found that question actually helped me to define what I needed from life e.g. a break, no more demands made of me for a while, a rest from internal pain etc.

Ignore me if this is unhelpful, but it does sound mad to try to consider working whilst even going to the shops or tidying up at home brings on such anxiety or stress. That said, I hear you in relation to financial worries and the increased stress they bring. The CAB can be really, really helpful re any debts and payments, they can often use your illness to negotiate a temporary freeze on any interest payments or even a temporary freeze on all repayments. They told me this could be for a maximum of two years, but there is some scope for flexibility even with that. It can be a massive weight off your mind, leaving you to cope with other things such as the children etc.

If being around the children is also causing a lot of stress, which I well imagine it might do, it is very hard to join in with children's lives when deeply depressed, is there any chance you could go and stay with a friend or something for a little 'holiday' whilst off work?
Like I said, just ignore anything unhelpful, no offence taken...

Even, thinking about what music you want played at your funeral might mean that you would benefit from having lots of friends around telling you what they like about you, what you mean to them, being kind/respectful, celebrating your life, would that be possible in life now instead of at the funeral??

Does OH not work hun? So you are the sole earner?

Re: the capability issue - I think you potentially have quite a lot of protection via the Disability Discrimination Act as it is a long term condition you are managing (just as it would be if you had Rheumatoid Arthritis that kept flaring up. So I think you are safe to take time off to address your long term health condition you are managing.

Re: loans from your friend - I know I would far rather lend someone money, never get it back but still have them in my life than lose them to suicide. It's hard to accept help though when you feel worthless and undeserving - which is one of the truly cruel things about this illness.

DHs work is going into liquidation, he's basically there till the ship sinks. Will be back in a bit. smallest is being a pain.

Thanks for all of the brilliant advice. Aud, I didn't realise that the CAB could do that. Maybe I do need the CT to take me there to discuss that after all. I've kind of rubbished the idea until now, but that could work.

I kind of have double cover for the DDA as my DS has SN as well as my being ill. All of the struggles I've had with his SN over the last 3 years are in part what led me to have my first breakdown. Juggling work and home commitments with 2 small DCs, one with ASD just got too much. Everything went downhill.

Why do I want to end it all. Now there's a question.

Earlier this evening I was back to making plans for tomorrow that involved me, a train and the end of everything. 6mg diazepam and 25mg quetiapine later and I have no intentions whatsoever of doing anything to harm myself.

So part 1 is that I am ill.

Why else. I just can't face more of this life. DS's SN aren't going to go away and the reality is that we'll be supporting him for a long time past what perhaps parents of NT children will do. This is going to sound awful, but I'm completely disconnected from him. He was in the SCBU when he was first born and the stress of that sent me properly bonkers. I didn't sleep or eat properly for the best part of a month. Then he never slept. We had broken sleep for nearly 3 years, with him only doing 8pm-6am by the time he was 3.

At 18mos he was badly scalded in an accident and I don't know if you've ever experienced what happens for burns treatments, but they are truly, truly awful. Their skin is gone. We had to take him into the hospital every day for dressing changes and he'd scream and scream in pain. We'd give him calpol beforehand to make it a bit better and it eased it for him. One day I forgot to give him the calpol before we set off to the hospital and I begged them to give him some and they wouldn't and as he was howling in pain, the guilt almost killed me.

Then when you are discharged from the hospital, you have to do the dressing changes at home. 3 times a day you have to make your child scream in agony. I'd get up in the morning, DH and I would change his dressings. I'd leave work at lunchtime and go and change his dressings and then last thing at night we had to do the same again.

Add it onto the fact that we'd just relocated to a different part of the country for me to start my new job before this happened and you have the recipe for when I had my first mini-breakdown in 08.

All the time when this was happening with DS, I had to keep going to work. It was a new job and had a 9month probationary period. I think this is why I just totally disconnected from everything as I just had to keep plodding on.

DD wasn't planned, but the 9mos off I had on Mat leave were the best 9 months I'd had in years. She was such an easy baby. DS was still in pressure garments and needed massage, but wasn't in pain any more and it was before everything kicked off with DS and his ASD diagnosis.

So I went back to work and came back to a whole heap of trouble, which I can't go into here, but I uncovered something that resulted in legal action being taken. DS was struggling in school and was assessed as they were concerned he had ASD traits and I was back to working stupid hours to support everyone.

The only way I could and/or can deal with all of this is to shut myself off completely from everything.

I'm shut off from my children, my husband, my family and most of my friends. I do let a few people in, but then feel vunerable when I do as then I have to show how I actually feel about stuff.

If you're completely disconnected from your life, its hard to see meaning or value in it, and when you are trapped in a loop of never ending slog, its hard to see the point in carrying on.

I'm aware that this is an epic post of epic navel gazing stuff, but its cathartic to get it down somewhere. If you made it this far, give yourself a biscuit.

Bloody hell - with all that, no wonder you've a wobble.

It is said that depression is not a sign of weakness, but of someone who has been strong for too long.

Hope you can get some sleep/rest tonight.

I should also add into the mix that I've been through a number of restructures in the last 4 years and have had to fight for my job each time.

There was also a 15 month waiting list from having DS diagnosed to getting some help, so I was left floundering with a child who was getting behind in school, struggling at home and being bullied and not knowing what the hell to do about it.

Turns out that if you have all of that shit happen and you have bipolar, you end up having a major episode that almost kills you, then little after-shock relapses where it all seems bleak again.

I don't have much useful to add - but I have huge admiration for you surviving all that. With your resilience, humour and obvious intelligence, you ARE going to get through this really hideous time as well.

Good morning funnymum.

I read through your post and will have a biscuit in a minute

You have been coping with a massive, massive amount and not at all surprising that you feel hopeless. People are always telling me I have gone through a lot in my own life (rapes by family members and a pedophile ring from as young as I can remember, followed by total cut-off from family, multiple suicide attempts, always working hard to become a barrister even whilst temporarily homeless (!), long failed court case against my abusers, leading to neverending threats to me/ harassment, two lovely DCs whilst single, one traumatic birth, diagnosis of dissociative disorder and chronic, complex PTSD for which there is no currently available NHS treatment - I'm not telling you this for pity but just to show that I DO understand what it means to have dealt with such a lot...and to think you cannot go on...)

I should imagine that having seen your DC in such pain in the SCBU and later in the burns unit, cutting off some of your normal maternal emotions towards him is a protective measure for your own sanity (much as I 'dissociated' when watching other children be raped). Then the drugs you are taking are probably helping to numb you from the build up of so much emotional pain which you weren't able to fully express at the time - I guess you had to stay strong and not just howl with him, as his mum.

All I can say is you have done brilliantly and are doing brilliantly. I would really recommend the CAB visit because they showed me every respect (I was a lawyer but in a mess, and couldn't go bankrupt because it would affect my career). Once the financial situation is not so desperate, you will not be so tied to your work and will be able to rediscover small moments of joy that make life worth living. People can help you to get more support if you need it with the children and supporting your DH too.

I know that when you feel totally disconnected from life (have been there) it is very hard to feel life is worth living as you already feel half dead. But if you can find one thing each day to give thanks for or to be happy about, however tiny, it can get you through.

I am not surprised you feel like killing yourself though (I hope you don't)

Just a thought too that it sounds like you might have PTSD from witnessing your DC in such pain if you are refeeling the feelings of that time or having emotional flashbacks to the powerlessness you felt then (when they didn't give him the calpol). Wonder if your Psych/ GP has considered that.

oh, you have loads on your plate...

Do you want to die per se or do you want to escape your present life?
My suicidal thoughts have always been the latter, which I find better.

In work & not coping. Spoke to CT who offered me a lift home, but I don't feel safe at home. In work, but I don't feel safe in work. I just don't feel safe anywhere today. In answer to the question "whats stopping me" the answer is "fucked if I know" which isn't very helpful. I think if I do end up finishing myself off, it will be for something as simple as being fed up of thinking about it.

I forgot to bring my PRN with me this morning. I was 20 mins late in anyway and just disorganised. Thats not exactly helping is it.

So OK, reasons why I will not do anything stupid today.

1. I have a business case to write
2. Its too damp and wet to go out there.

That will have to do for now.

If you feel safe talking on here that can be enough for today too.

Will check in on you later here if that's OK, once kids are in bed tonight.

Well done for getting into work, perhaps the distraction will help a bit too? Could you take a week off with flu or something just to give yourself some decision time as to whether to get signed off sick for longer. Just an idea if it feels too much to be at work.

I just wanted to say it is no wonder you feel this way, you have so much on your plate.

Please keep posting. We care. X

Hello all. I'm home and I think I will be picking up my sick-note tomorrow and having a month off as recommended. Its not like I did any sodding work today anyway. I was late in, took too long for lunch and left ridiculously early. Better to be off sick than be that useless an employee. We'll just have to cope on reduced pay - ergh / argh / oh hell.

Aud I am in awe of you going through all of that and coming out the other side, I really am. It does put things into perspective for me, so thanks for sharing your story.

To the other person who I know is reading this tonight - have a and a on me. I am quite anxious as to what you will think of these ramblings, as its as close to what is going on in my head as anyone will ever get. However I have diazepam, so at the moment am quite chilled about the whole thing .

I think you're doing the right thing.

You can always ask on here for help in coping with a reduced wage. I'm sure we can help.

Thats really kind george, but if I were to borrow money from anyone it would be from my RL friend and even then I'd have to be in deep shit before I did. TBH I'm just thankful there's people out there who'll read my ramblings and offer support.

Well done for brave decision. You are doing so well xx

I didn't mean borrowing (I could tell from your posts it's not your style anyway), I just mean help as in meal planning, contacting creditors and so on.

Hope you're OK tonight, I'll be thinking about you.