Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

sirboobalot - please don't apologise for being 'self indulgent' because your not. We are all here to listen to what you have to say. x

My head is being ridiculous today, so I won't be taking half as much

My head is popping today. Being pg, hormonal, no meds and busy with work is not helping. I keep hating DH. Completely hating him. He teases me, even though he knows about my BPD and that I can't tell the difference and take things so much to heart. I am hating him today because he made a comment about me needing to get a decent pay rise so he can give up work. I don't know if he was purely joking or half serious. And now I think he is just with me because I have a well paid job. We bought a house last year, but the purchase was completely funded by the sale of my house (and our now joint mortgage) and I'm am feeling like he is just using me. It is exhausting trying to work out why I am thinking like this, and I wish I could get a break from it all. 5th Feb I have my first appt with my psychotherapist, I used to see him a few years ago but I basically got expelled for failing to attend appointments. So I am dreading going as I feel guilty for that.

My BPD has been attributed to my childhood - emotionally withdrawn parents (no cuddles) with huge expectations academically etc, and a lot of physical discipline. On top of that there was school bullying and mum had serous MH problems meaning I sort of ran the family from about age 15.

I live in permanent fear of being sent back to the acute psychiatric ward I spent a lot of time on in my early 20s.

Sorry for venting - it is just so hard for people to understand how little things can set me off so badly, and lead to such extreme feelings

Hi frilly, glad you made your appointment, sorry to hear about the symptoms..hope this evening is peaceful and restful for you with your little dog.

I feel better today and have been out on a longish walk with my dog..looking forward to going to work tomorrow (voluntary job)..been so fed up this week felling ill and on my own!

XX

Hi everyone, I am absolutely sure I have BPD, I fit all the criteria and have done since I was a teenager (possibly before). I am more settled now and DH keeps me sane & grounded but I do still have emotional problems and I'm worried about how it will effect my DC. I went to the doctors a couple of years ago and he said that it was unlikely I would be diagnosed at my age (early 30's) and that the waiting list for therapy is very long.

Is this true? Thanks

Flicks - the wait for therapy depends entirely on your area, and which therapy it is. Disagree about not being diagnosed at your age. It is most common for people to be diagnosed mid 20s, but I know plenty of people who have been diagnosed much later. So do push to see someone. And do hang around here :)

Waves - never apologise here. Are you able to tell your DH how his teasing makes you feel? One of the things I am learning is how key communication is, and informing people when things they think are acceptable upset you. Can totally see where your train of thought has come from.

Violets - glad to hear it :)

I had a very frank talk with my mother tonight, informing her that some of their actions during my childhood have contributed towards my BPD. I told her I didn't blame them any more, adn that I'm no longer angry, but that identifying the causes has helped. She did ask me...

Flicks, I got my diagnosis 2 years ago or so. I was 39 (am just 42 now).

My psychologist (I luff him, in a nice way) said he's seeing more people, especially women, who are being diagnosed in their 30s and 40s

I've had 2 good days! No addictive behaviours, and I ran my first literacy training course today (new job) and it was fab. I'm not irreparably damaged, I'm good, mostly!

Hurrah, weegie, well done, and so glad it went well :)

I don't think I can get copies of anything from DBT SirBoobs - I did it overseas. Might have a look online to see what I can find.

I'm having a big wobble. Big emotional problems (DP gone awol for the 3rd time in 3 years) which lead me to sob uncontrollably or send stupid texts/ emails and also triggers negative behaviour and thoughts. I am a bit scared about where this is going.

Love to you all.

If I give a kind of list of my personality 'symptoms' can you guys tell me if you experience the same/similar stuff?!

I suffer from bad anxiety, have done since I was a child.
I am incredibly impulsive, not as bad as I was but still have difficulty with it.
I've got a long history of alcohol abuse and took a lot of recreational drugs up until I had DD at 23.
I have a real problem with being told what to do and ended up being expelled from school at 14, although I think I'm intelligent and did do well I just got so bored.
I have a very short attention span!
I suffer badly with derealisation.
I get obsessive with things/people but am also very fickle and change my mind very quickly.
I see things in a very black & white way, often switching between two extremes, especially with family relationships & also my political views.
I have rapid mood swings with no rhyme or reason to them.
Sometimes I get quite paranoid.
I have difficulty with a sense of 'self', I feel like I'm going mad sometimes and not sure which me is the real me, hard to explain!!!
DH keeps me sane, I am horrified at the thought of ever losing him but other times if I'm in a different mood I feel like ending it, then a few days later I feel completely differently, it's scary when I think of the damage I could do... Have had very turbulent relationships in the past.

But I have never self harmed or tried to commit suicide (although have thought about it sometimes)
I had a rubbish start to life and have had lots of traumatic events which havenm't helped but also have been partly caused by my own behaviour...

Does this sound familiar to anyone?

I also don't have many adult female friends, I find it difficult to interact on an adult level or for any length of time, I am too fickle and get bored too easily plus always think I am quite immature compared to them

Afternoon everyone, how are we all?

violetsrblue - what voluntary job are you doing? I'm off work just now until the 31st. I don't cope well with my routine being out of sorts.

Meant to say hi to PariahHairy, sorry that I missed you before! The only way that you can get your diagnosis is to get a referral to a psychiatrist from your GP and take it from there. It's a horrid process, I won't lie, but when you find the support that's right for you you'll begin to feel better. What I found that worked best for me was a combination of my medication and weekly sessions with a psychiatric nurse. I got to the point where I was well enough to be discharged from MH services after 3 years so it is do-able!!! Unfortunately, I'm having a bit of a blip right now but hopefully only short term.

Welcome to the thread flickstix! I got my diagnosis when I turned 30 I think - lovely present huh?!

That's great weegiemum! Glad the new job is going good.

Grockle - how are you feeling now?

Hi everyone and welcome to the thread PariahHairy and Flickstix (hope I've not missed anyone)

I'm really, really struggling now. I'm much too scared to go to the doctors in case they worry that I'm not fit to look after my dd. I feel like I'm constantly on the edge of a breakdown and feel physically sick with nerves. I don't have anyone in RL to talk to and I feel so desperate. How has my life ended up like this?! I just want to scream I'm so angry at myself, no wonder I have no one.

Flick - the large majority of BPD sufferers self abuse, but that term covers things like alcohol and drugs as well as cutting etc, so I would suggest that actually you have self harmed in other ways. Everything you have said rings very true with me, to be honest. Much love to you. Do try and see a professional.

Illustrated, please contact your team. Seeking help is a sure sign that you are fit to look after your DD. Do you know what has sparked off this episode?

Sending hugs and hot chocolate to you all.

SirBoobAlot - Thanks, I just wondered whether that was 'typical' of BPD... Yes I do see the alcohol & drug abuse as self harm, absolutely.

Will have a look through the thread and see if I can match some symptoms, obviously I do need to see the doctor but can't get an appointment until next week so want to go armed with info

When looking for a diagnosis of BPD, they look to match up to the DSM-IV criteria I posted further up. Suicidal actions, behaviors and self mutilation have their own bullet point, they are counted as a symptoms entirely on their own. So it is perfectly possible to have BPD without self harming.

"Borderline Personality Disorder DSM IV Criteria

A pervasive pattern of instability of interpersonal relationships, self-image, and affects, and marked impulsivity beginning by early adulthood and present in a variety of contexts, as indicated by five (or more) of the following:

1. frantic efforts to avoid real or imagined abandonment. Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

2. a pattern of unstable and intense interpersonal relationships characterized by alternating between extremes of idealization and devaluation.

3. identity disturbance: markedly and persistently unstable self-image or sense of self.

4. impulsivity in at least two areas that are potentially self-damaging (e.g., spending, sex, substance abuse, reckless driving, binge eating). Note: Do not include suicidal or self-mutilating behavior covered in Criterion 5.

5. recurrent suicidal behavior, gestures, or threats, or self-mutilating behavior

6. affective instability due to a marked reactivity of mood (e.g., intense episodic dysphoria, irritability, or anxiety usually lasting a few hours and only rarely more than a few days).

7. chronic feelings of emptiness

8. inappropriate, intense anger or difficulty controlling anger (e.g., frequent displays of temper, constant anger, recurrent physical fights)

9. transient, stress-related paranoid ideation or severe dissociative symptoms."

Also think it might be helpful to type out one of the pages from the "Awareness of Illness" lessons we had. I'll have to do that once DS is in bed though, as its quite long. Think it pretty accurate describes things, however.

I've got 7 of those symptoms, not suicidal tendencies or feeling of emptiness but I did have chronic feeling of emptiness up until I met DH. I am better at controlling/dealing with the symptoms I do have now I am older (and have DH) but when I was younger my life was hell, albeit partly self induced.

violetsareblue said earlier up thread I have a tendency to 'forget' all the bad stuff if I'm not in it, like I can't relate to it.. I feel like this too, and I find it really hard to consolidate my personalities, or work out which is the 'real me' as I feel so different so often, does this make sense??

Do you think I will get a referral and if so do you think they will talk through the list with me and if I tick more than 5 they will 'diagnose' me and get me some help? My main concern is how my behaviour could affect my children. I don;t think I am a bad mother, in fact I would say I was a good one but I get very irritable and can be inconsistent. Also get real urges to cheat on DH does anyone else have this??

I'm not sure how I'm feeling, frillynat. I'm swaying from extreme sadness & crying to extreme anger & SH. I'm so upset that I am thinking about that again. I've done silly stuff that leaves no evidence but am going back to my old ways. I think I just can't handle rejection. I never thought a man would make me so depressed & crazy. I think it's because I trusted him & because of issues in my childhood, I generally don't trust anyone. So when I trusted DP & he let me down, I'm finding incredibly hard to cope.

Illustrated, I'm sorry you are finding things so hard atm. What you wrote sounds very familiar. I daren't admit to anyone how much I struggle. When I have had to ask for help, I'm very careful about what I say & how much I share.

I have many symptoms of ASD & often wonder if some of my problems are related to that.

Hugs to everyone.

grockle just saw this thread by chance. I do hope that things improve for you ,you made such great strides before.Thinking of you x

Feels like today has gone to the knackers yard. Or something. Work is getting worse and worse and been fighting with DH all day. Either by email/text or work and since he got home, well, in person. I guess the issue is that he has become one of my "black" people. In my mind he is a bad person, whereas he used to be whiter than white. Him telling me to stop acting like a 2 year old is not helping. I have explained so many times about my BPD and how it makes me react, and that I haven't had any specialist therapy to help me change the way I am, but it genuinely seems to fall on deaf ears.

I'm fed up, even had an in depth chat with DS (8) trying to get reassurance that he really loves me and doesn't want to be without me. How shit is it that I have to look to my children for this? And how much is this potentially going to mess them up?!

Can't chat to people in RL about this - have to maintain the illusion that everything is perfect and he has fixed all my problems - we got married after knowing each other just over a month (typical impulsive behaviour on my part ) and that was only back in July. It makes me feel so stupid, and makes me doubt all my feelings, again. Like it wasn't me that fell in love in some great romance, but it was my BPD that made me imagine it all.

flick I got diagnosed by my consultant psychiatrist after spending some time on an acute psychiatric ward, so I don't really know how it works outside of that environment. Hope you manage to get some support though in terms of a diagnosis and referral.

illustrated I really really know how you are feeling. Last time I saw my GP she wanted to sign me off work, but that panicked me as I am so scared of losing my job, and ending up on the slippery slope to the hell that was my life a decade ago. I daren't talk to anyone about how I feel as I am worried that my children will be taken, and I'll end up back on a ward I can't do anything other than offer a (rather wobbly) hand to hold

Flicks, I may say something now which you don't like, and I apologise in advance! But the fact you say you felt empty until you met your DH, and feel completed by him, certainly has a lot of relevance to BPD. Also the desire to cheat on him - sexual promiscuity / risky behavior is a big factor. I flirt horrifically with just about everyone. BPD sufferers have big issues with boundaries and inappropriate relationships, so that thought pattern doesn't surprise me.

I think if you go and see your doctor, and tell him exactly what you've said there, that you believe you may have a mental illness, and you are concerned about the impact it may have on your children, so would like some help to prevent that. No logical doctor can refuse that. A diagnosis tends to be more than just sitting down doing some tick boxes, and tends to involve at least a good few appointments, but it is worth getting a ball rolling.

Grockle, totally understand everything you have said. The filters are so hard to battle. I wish I could make things easier for you right now, I so wish I could.

wavesandsmiles - I hope you're ok, why haven't you been offered any specialist therapy? I got married to my first DH after knowing him for 3 months, he is my eldest DD's Father.

Does your BPD make you imagine things? I used to get obsessed with things/guys and then all of a sudden I would wake up one morning and be totally disinterested, it's really strange.

Waves :( I would say that if you have only known your DH since June, that is a really short period of time, and so whilst you might have explained all your issues, he will not have experienced them himself, so right now will be a really difficult time for you both. Agree that him reacting like that isn't at all helpful however. Would he react better to some factual information that wasn't actually coming from you, like some sheets printed from the internet or something?

SirBoobAlot - ha! No offence taken, I was fairly promiscuous before I met him, even though I didn't even enjoy the sex, it was more the exitement and being to close to someone/feeling wanted & desired. It really scares me that I am feeling like this again, it's a big red light for me as all it would take for me to mess up my life and more importantly that of my loved ones would be for me to be in a 'delusional' frame of mind and sleep with someone. Also whenever we row I see red, and for the next hour I so I literally hate him and decide I don't want to be with him anymore and think he's brainwashing me, then within minutes I can forget about it and I am totally in love again, it scares me.

Grockle - sending hugs your way x