Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

Good afternoon.

Hope your feeling better sirboob, I had a horrible weekend too. My dp wants us to just be friends, I cant do that. He says he just doesn't like me anymore. Feels like I'm back in school! I cant speak to anyone about it and quite frankly I'm sick of even thinking about it. All I know is I cant cope with being a lone parent, I have no RL support. Having night terrors almost every night now.

I was wondering if everyone here is on medication? I've not taken anything for a few years as nothing agreed with me.

Thanks frilly. Hope you managed to get an appt?

I decided to continue with therapy through my pregnancy but I am finding it really hard. My psychologist and I are working on looking at my past and working out how a ended up so messed up. Its consuming me and I feel like I can't enjoy my pregnancy or look forward to the baby. I just feel there is no hope I will ever be better.

Illustrated, sorry you have had such a horrible weekend and you don't feel you have any real life support. I take depakote, quietiapine and diazepam and I wouldn't manage without them. I do have bipolar diagnosis too though so I think the meds control that rather than the psychological problems. X

violetsareblue - I'm just worried that its a big step back for me, do you know what I mean? x

illustrated - yeah, I take lamotrigine, venlafaxine, topirimate and propranalol.

sj2008 - nope, I chickened out. too scared

Oh Illustrated :( Much love to you sweetie. I got a similar talk from DP last week, but because of our age gap. He's now sending me every mixed signal under the sun, and still acting 'coupley' with me, so I have no fucking idea what is going on.

For what it's worth, you can and will cope with being a lone parent if you have to. It's fucking hard work. But you can do it. If I can, you can!! xx

Yes, I understand what you mean frilly, sorry I was a bit pushy there. x Hope today has been a better day.

violetsareblue - no you weren't pushy! How are you feeling? x

Hello... I usually namechange for anything related to this but I can't be bothered. So, um, hi!

I'm another one with relationship issues. Sorry SirBoobs & Illustrated are having similar difficulties

Hi frilly, have been feeling a bit crap today, have got a cold so not really going out and about or seeing anyone..just in bed a lot on my own, thank goodness for internet and have got my dog curled up with me.

Feeling a bit worried now about my diagnosis, that therapy has been suggested, and feel scared of doing that, and also about the benzo dependency..tried to cut back two days ago by a tiny amount and felt really bad, anxious and physically ill, so went back to normal dose, but also have been having an evening diazepam on top. Most of the time I feel very mechanical, if that makes sense.

I think I understand why it's hard to phone the gp, I thought I was finished with services but felt so crap last October, that I am back in it now with appointments and so on.

I guess it's a back and forward thing..anyway hope yourself and all others on the thread have a peaceful night x

violetsareblue - I feel a bit like its like I'm admitting defeat. I worked so hard getting well and now I feel like I'm going right back again. This evening I have been a tad manic, very fidgety and a million things racing around my head. My old faithful foot shake was back this evening. And laughing out loud at stupid things. I was also trying to pick a fight with my best mate today, trying to provoke her (without success). I'm sorry you're feeling crappy, keep yourself warm and cosy. Is your GP reducing diazepam? Big hugs for you. xx

hi grockle...waves

Grockle, glad to see you join us :)

Violets, I found it hard when I first started accepting help, and going to therapy... But seriously. Although I am far from okay now, I am so much better than I was. And I feel like I can actually say that without freaking out that everyone will think I am a horrible arrogant person as well!

Hi all,I have never been diagnosed with anything but I do identify with a few points of borderline personality disorder, on the crappy tests I always come out high on the avoidant and borderline scale, such a winning combination .

How on earth do you even go about being diagnosed with anything?

The thing I most identify with is not feeling real, I have tried to explain this to dp or the gp and they just go and ignore me.

Honestly, really I do not feel real, like I don't feel properly connected to anything, I live in my own head, I look at my children and think "how the actual fuck did you get here?".

I look at people who actually do stuff and have mortgages and careers and friends and interests and they seem like aliens to me, I do nothing, I drift through life, wondering how the fuck I managed to get myself into this situation.

I don't know who I am and I find it impossible to connect with anyone, my life gets worse as it goes on and I feel powerless to do anything about it, I do't know what to do?

I so know how you feel. Sometimes I feel okay about things... And then I realise it's because I think that it's all not real, it will start again at some point down the time, so it doesn't matter.

Fucking head.

FWIW it's called disassociation. For whatever reasons (things that have happened in the past etc) our brains cannot cope in certain situations or emotions, and so we disassociate as a survival mechanism.

To get a diagnosis of anything you need to see a psychiatrist. You might have to push for this as it sounds like your GP is useless (ideally see a new one of those as well!). If they tell you that they don't think it is necessary, you insist it is, and tell them that only a psych is qualified to say whether they are needed or not in a situation, so you would rather like to see one.

Even from being in the system it took me a while to be diagnosed, but that might have been because of my age as well (I'm 21, they don't like diagnosing under 20).

PH, I was diagnosed by my clinical psychologist after getting referred to him via my psychiatrist I was seeing for ongoing depression.

I find the hardest thing is "living in" the diagnosis. It's me - it's who I am - it's common in women abandoned by their mothers, esp in adolescence - but I effing hate it! It explains all my psychological problems which is great, but it's a disorder I'll always have - a disability like my totally unrelated physical problems!

Had a bad day yesterday. Recently my addictive behaviour has been good but I was drinking yesterday so hating myself today, even though I've got 3 dc out to school and cooked dinner!!!

Frilly thanks, just been curled up in bed all day except for dog walking. No not gp reducing, just me seeing if I could do it but am just going to leave it for now. Hope your day has been ok - have you decided about ringing gp? x

Sirboob, thanks for your encouragement about therapy, going to go with it I think when it's offered and hope for the best.

weegie that was interesting about mothers and adolescence, I'd like to read up more about that.

Weegie, it is not who you are, darling. It is a condition you have. You are so much more than a diagnosis! And one of the 'good' things that comes out of the identity problems with BPD means that you can be whoever you decide you want to be, you have the power to choose that.

Violets, most BPD sufferers were on the receiving end of some form of abuse, or were deserted by someone they trusted. The reasons why BPD can develop are quite interesting, and looking at it as a reaction to difficult circumstances rather than something you 'do' can be helpful to a lot of people.

My childhood wasn't horrific, but wasn't wonderful. My dad then left and told me it was my fault he was leaving. He came back a while later, but the damage was done. My parents smacked me as a child. Recently some suppressed memories have come up which have led me to believe I may well have been abused by the older brother of a friend when I was around 10... But I'm still not sure. I was then bullied terribly throughout school, and I was then verbally assaulted by the mother of a girl who was bullying me.

From that, I can now see my fear of desertion and of upsetting people, and how I feel that one negative word means they hate me (my dad leaving / the blame), my lack of respect for myself, my body, and boundaries within relationships (being smacked and possible abuse), the self hatred and lack of identity (bullying), and then the fallacy of fairness along with feeling I deserve to suffer (being punished for something I was the victim of).

Once I identified these causes, it has been easier to process exactly why I am like this today. Which is why I sharing, not to be self indulgent, but because it wasn't until I stopped and thought about what had happened to create these thought patterns, that suddenly they all made sense.

I don't actually have a diagnosis of BPD anymore - I was diagnosed, undiagnosed, rediagnosed, undiagnosed again... I do meet many of the cirteria and I did do DBT. I hate therapy of any kind but it was really very helpful. I wish I hadn't thrown out all the handouts I got as I could do with a refresher every now and then.

Weegie, don't be too hard on yourself. SirBoobs is right, it's not who you are & it doesn't define you. I think it's a crappy condition to have though & it's hard to live with it.

I was abused as a child (physical, verbal, sexual) & have recently started having disturbing flashbacks. I've never really had them before. Somehow, reminding myself that the way I react to things is probably because of my childhood helps me a little... as if I have a proper reason for it. I still need to learn how to cope better but I think I'll always struggle.

I see what you mean SirBoob, my childhood wasn't terrible either (especially compared to yours grockle, so sorry for what you went through). It wasn't exactly great though, was smacked, scared of my Dad, witnessed him being very aggressive/intimidating to my older sister. My Mum was also very prone to the whole silent treatment thing, I would spend up to a week being totally ignored by her. My Dad could be quite mean with the comments too.

There were obviously good times too and I adored my Mum even though She was quite odd/judgmental in her own little way.

I did also feel quite abandoned by my Mum when my Dad died. They had split up a year before, She did basically leave me to my own devices (I was 15).

It's good that you are getting all this stuff sorted in your head so young SirBoob, I'm 31 and am nowhere near your levels of self awareness, I'm sure you have a lovely future waiting for you.

It's odd but when my Mum died quite suddenly,I was already in the midst of pnd, a lot of interaction over that time and since has opened my eyes about my childhood. I have no idea why I thought it was so rosy beforehand????

Is there any way to bypass the years of therapy untangling your fucked up psyche and childhood and just get the fuck on with having a life?

violetsareblue - yeah i made my gp appointment today. Have to wait a week for it though as I didn't want to see just any doctor. I too have been curled up today with my little dog, not energy. Having a fair few symptoms now and it's making me feel miserable. Are you over your cold yet? x

Can I ask how long you have all had your diagnosis's for?

My psychiatrist thinks that my BPD was due to very bad bullying throughout high school. It wasn't until I split with my last long term bf (explosive and abusive) that all of the symptoms started to surface and I had a fully blown breakdown type thing. It was awful, and scary, and I didn't know who I was anymore. I remember begging my psychiatrist to put me into hospital cause I wanted to kill myself. She didn't and I remember being so angry with her for it. I always remind myself that the BPD is not me, it is an illness.

Can I pop in here? I was diagnosed 12 years ago (34 with 2dcs and another on the way now). It's flipping awful sometimes. Quite a lot actually! I'm pretty high functioning now with a decent career, mortgage etc but every day I wonder when the world will figure out I am a big fraud and everything will come crashing down.....

Been off medication since sept when we started ttc but have started self harming again so been referred back to a psychotherapist.

Anyway, I don't know a lot about contemporary therapies as was just on meds for so long (was a lone parent til early last year and could never get to my therapy sessions) but still hoping I'm going to find a way to manage my feelings better!

welcome to the thread wavesandsmiles x

"Is there any way to bypass the years of therapy untangling your fucked up psyche and childhood and just get the fuck on with having a life?"

Oh PH how I wish there was!!! I'm sorry for what you've been through. I think it also helps not to compare you own experiences with someone elses on a scale of trauma. No one can have been through 'worse' than you, because the worst you have experienced is as bad as you can imagine. And once you start saying that X has been through worse, you start undermining your emotional reactions, which are always okay. Does that make sense? Sorry if I'm babbling. And thank you... I started off wanting to get better for DS's sake. I'm now - slightly - starting to feel that I deserve to get better. All very recent, all slightly scary, and all down to STEPPS. DP also used to lead personal development courses, and that has come in very handy.

Grockle do you still have the contact details for the team you were under? You can request them to post you copies of worksheets etc, or maybe even find them online.

Frilly well done for making the appointment :) I've only been formally diagnosed for two years (ish, I think I was around 19, memory is shocking), though it had been down as a casual diagnosis for around two years before hand, whilst I was still under CAMHS. And I'm sorry about the bullying, and the treatment from your ex.

Hello Waves, welcome in!

Sorry to be talking so much today, my head feels relatively calm for once and I can think rationally (well, mostly). DP was supposed to be helping me out with my STEPPS stuff tonight, and then had to cancel on me because of some urgent work paperwork. He popped over very briefly to give me some more pain cream that he got for me today without my asking :) Pleased to report I didn't over react. He told me he couldn't do it tonight because of the work stuff, and I managed to keep that in proportion. So feel like I have achieved something tonight.

Although it has been sneaking up on me tonight the feeling that my life is pointless and empty. I seem to do nothing. My health, both physical and mental, prevents me from doing anything, and that eats me up. I used to be fairly bright and rather intelligent before the ME hit.

Still... I wouldn't have DS if I hadn't have developed the ME, and now with my gyne problems, would be facing the possibility at 21 of never having children. So I must try and focus on that.

Sorry, very self indulgent post again