Borderline Personality Disorder

[frillynat81]

Hi there...

Just thought I'd start a new thread to see if there are any mumsnetters with BPD who'd like to come chat, share how they're feeling, coping techniques, experiences etc.

x

Hi again, sorry you are having a shit time at the minute. Every rejection gets harder to take and hurts more than the last.

I was very similar to how you describe how you used to be, so desperate to feel wanted and loved that I slept around quite a bit too. It didn't make me feel good in the long run at all but to me if someone slept with me it meant they wanted me and it made me feel worth something for a while.

What you said about the people we attract I have a bit of a theory on. From all the work I have done in psychotherapy I think that all the people I have attracted and been attracted to over the years have been seriously flawed in some way. It applies with friends that I have become very close with too, not just relationships. It's easier to be around people who don't have their life together and have their own set of problems, it makes me feel less like a freak. However as comforting as this is, and as comfortable I feel in these relationships I have repeatedly put myself in the danger zone of being affected by their problems. Does that make any sense?

Also what sirboobalot said upthread about becoming more aware of the bpd makes so much sense. I used to behave in a completely unreasonable way because of bpd but because I didn't know it wasnt normal i didn't try and change it. I was clingy, needy, posessive, jealous, obsessive, a complete nightmare to be honest. It sounds like you are becoming pretty aware which is so positive.

Just to say, just because your relationship has come to an end doesn't mean that there is something wrong with you, it just means that you and that person weren't right for each other. I look back at all my failed relationships and remember how devastated I was at the end of each one. It was like someone had died and I would never be ok. But now I'm glad that they all failed because i can very clearly see now that we weren't right for each other at all.

Sorry that was so long, I haven't talked about bpd stuff before really and I think there's lots in my head.

Also iv just seen your earlier post asking about how others are treated by mh professionals and what medication we are on.

Medication - im off all medication now because I'm 21 weeks pregnant. Before though I was taking Quetiapine (an antipsychotic), it helped me sleep and caused my moods to be a bit more stable. I found it slowed down my thoughts which really helped me stop the damaging lines of thought before they ran away with me. I have also tried tons of different antidepressants but they have never worked for me, in fact some of the times iv come closest to suicide I have been on antidepressants. Not good!!

Mh professionals - private - really fucking shit, didn't take me seriously, a complete joke to be honest.
NHS - fantastic, referred for psychotherapy, helped with medication, lots of extra support offered and they have been absolutely incredible since I fell pregnant.

Hi, feeling like I can move on from that relationship as I've got so much other stuff on my mind right now, but then I got a text saying he'd love to meet up again when he's sorted his life out. I don't know what to make of this, automatically think he's with someone else. Also I hadn't been overly clingy or anything, but now want to keep texting him and asking him if he wants to see me, or asking what I've done wrong. I haven't though, feel too numb to bother.

I've never been offered an anti-psychotic or mood stabiliser. Been on 5 types of AD's that never seem to work, waiting for group psychotherapy, other therapies haven't worked! Congratulations btw, is it your first? How are you coping without meds?

My relationship history has been rather... Fucked up, really. First sexual relationship just after I turned 14. Most of that was 'normal', though I woke up to him touching me when I'd been asleep once. Then there were various guys after things end with him... I know where my issues with relationships come from, but it hasn't stopped the same thing happening over and over again in the past.

I think, thankfully, I pay have finally broken that cycle, though only time will really tell.

This, however, may well be typical BPD behavior: I'm now seeing a friend of the cunt flatmate. I knew she liked him. Nothing had ever, or was ever, going to happen between them. She introduced us, we got on fabulously. This was five weeks ago, only a few days after I'd found another woman's suitcase in the ex-twats room. He's lovely - incredibly normal I don't regret getting involved with him, as things are so nice, and he's brilliant - he drove me down to take Twat's stuff back, etc, because he knew I was nervous, and just waited outside for me. There's no pressure, we're taking things very easy. But I've been wondering whether getting involved with him in the first place was down to us getting on so wonderfully, or me being Borderline? Think I'm probably thinking about it way too much. I certainly fancy him, so I don't think it's one of the 'I don't care who you are, I just need someone to care about me' type flings I've had, that are obviously BPD fuled.

Anyway, am rambling now, sorry.

have got my individual therapy session tomorrow. I'll update her on everything that's happened, though I did call her the day after I found out about him and her fucking me over.

How are we all today?

Not good at all. Iv gone from just about holding everything together to seriously not. My DH has crohns, so is really fucking sick sometimes and its been really bad lately, his job isn't secure and we have a baby on the way, lots of family members ill, money problems and general pregnancy stress. I was somehow keeping kind of level and then it all went tits up.

This is whats kicked it off: We have the neighbour from hell living above us. He is a fucking woman beating psychopath who needs to be in a hospital/prison. We have had problems with him before because he thought I called the police on him for going after his gf with an axe. He threatened to stab both me and my DH and generally made our lives hell.

He has three huge dogs in a 1 bed flat that he leaves for hours on end, lately especially at night. I have been getting barely any sleep because of the dogs, they howl and bark constantly for hours at a time.

This is the stupid bit - after being woken up at half 1 in the morning by the dogs I sent him a message on fb. 100% polite, but explaining that it was becoming a problem, I'm pg, need sleep etc. Hes completely lost it at me. Sent back message after message of abuse and threats, telling me that's it we are gna have to move because he's gna make our lives hell. He got more and more twisted and threatening throughout the messages and started saying that every bit of noise he hears he is going to call the police.

At this point I started crying because I just couldn't deal with it, he sent another threatening message saying he could hear the disturbing noise coming from our flat and he would need to call the police. He was evidently getting a thrill from hearing me cry.

This is all my fault, I should never have sent the message, I was just so tired and I can't deal with my head when I get tired. Now I have made our baby's home not safe, I don't know if we can stay here anymore but we can't afford anywhere else. Iv fucked everything up.

He repeatedly beat up his gf when she was pg with their son, so I have no doubts he would come good on some of his threats to me.

I'm completely falling apart, I can't stop crying and can't think clearly in any way. I'm scared to be in our flat but I'm scared to leave it incase he breaks in which he threatened to do. I am so angry at myself for messaging him, things were just settling down from the last time he kicked off at me. I don't know what to do.

I can't even leave my bedroom. I feel so trapped and scared. I just want my home to feel ok again, and instead it feels frightening and unsafe. Every noise sounds louder and I can't see that it's ever going to feel ok again. He's tried to get in my head and he's succeeded, I'm completely falling apart.

Oh love am so sorry things feel crap right now :( Would moving be an option? He sounds like the last thing you need right now.

And you haven't made things unsafe - you made a perfectly reasonable request, he reacted horribly.

We seriously can't afford to move, it's not an option at all. I managed to pull myself together a bit this afternoon and am thinking a bit more clearly. Iv got a scan tomorrow so need to keep it together for that.

Well that's something good to focus on. What time is your scan?

It's at 1.50. Feeling a bit better today. The scan is really helping. We might be able to find out the sex and my best friend and my dad are coming with so thats really nice (DH has got to work). My friend is really excited and has been texting me all morning which is lovely.

I can't let the psychopath ruin my life, or my home. I'll just have to deal with it if he does something. He left the dog all night again last night but I managed to find some earplugs which helped. Thanks for ur replies by the way.

Oooh exciting! I loved having my scans with DS, hope you get to find out the sex if you want to :)

I had my appointment with my CPN yesterday, we talked about all the crap that has been going on, and it made me realise how much progress I've made over the last year or so with controlling my illness :) Still having the odd thought pattern slipping in, but generally I've made a lot of steps towards recovery.

Ooo Heffa that's exciting! I'll. be thinking of you

I am having a shit week and cut myself over the weekend. I dont really understand why when I was ok last week...

Hey again. Scan was fantastic, has picked me right back up again. Found out baby is a little girl. :)

Sirboobalot so glad you have come so far, you should be so proud of yourself, it's hard work but so worth it.

Unicorn so sorry you had a rough weekend, did anything in particular make you feel so bad? It's horrible when you feel like you are going backwards :(

Unicorn. We're here for you.

Wonderful news, Heffa!

Now ladies... I have no food in the house, have been too ill (physically) to do a proper shop. Can I justify ordering take out?

course you can!!! enjoy!

I really hope you got that takeaway!!! I had a really naughty harvester today... Was absolutely scrummy. I had a BBQ chicken, bacon and cheese stack and then chocolate fudge cake. It was actually delicious :) what takeaway did u get if you did? Sorry I'm 21 weeks pg and completely obsessed with food at the minute!!

Omg Heffa I'm drooling here... Ha! I had a salad... I decided to be sensible. Seeing as I took myself out for a cooked breakfast yesterday morning

Definitely nothing wrong with a cooked brekkie, but I don't approve of your salad, far too healthy for my liking...

I'm sorry. Can I make up for it tomorrow?

I'm in a vile mood now, hoping I'm pre-menstrual or something (though fuck knows with PCOS...) as it's for no real reason. Well, aside from the last few weeks. I guess it's okay for things to still be bothering me.

I'm totally using escapism to get away from thinking too much at the moment, have read three books in the last ten days. Which I'm paying for with my M.E., and I am reading whilst DS is around, so not the most interactive parent right now, but better than throwing things at the wall I suppose .

And it was an awesome cooked breakfast. Totally debating going again when DS is next in playschool so I can enjoy my bacon in peace. NOM.

AGHHHHHHHHHHHH.

I'm destroying relationships. AGAIN. And I'm paranoid as hell.

I better be pre-menstrual, totally not in the mood (ha!) for a relapse right now.

well I had the bpd chat with my new boyfriend and he said he wasnt sure he could cope and needed some headspace to think..... bugger

Sorry you are both feeling crap. :(

Hi thought I'd check in and introduce myself. I was diagnosed with bpd 4 years ago and changed meds frequently and feel I have tried just about everything. Thankfully I'm stable in life now (after homelessness , sofa surfing with DS (9) for two years, eating disorder and numerous suicide attempts, 15 week hospital stay and social services checks) I now have a home with DS and I'm happier then I have ever been.
I do dbt.
I am day 4 of no meds (respiridone and venalafaxine)
I've got cold sweats, brain zaps and fuzzy feeling. But more energy, thoughts feel 'real' like I can clearly think them without muted feeling.
How long does withdrawals last?

Unicorn Try and think of it like this... It's better to know. Hard to swallow, but better to know. It's shit when that happens thought, I understand entirely.

QueenF, how have you stopped them? Those are both meds you shouldn't ever stop cold turkey.

I'm going cold turkey , stopped them 4 days ago