if mumsnet can't stomach it, how will I tell a counsellor?

[mosp]

The other day, I posted something in another topic. I can't really repeat it. It got deleted because it was deemed 'beyond the pale' by mumsnet towers.

It was about a situation that I got myself into some months ago, but I still feel ill as a result.

I know that I'm just sick and completely incapable of looking after myself.

Everyone unanimously agreed that I was to blame and the other person did no wrong.

Tomorrow I have counselling session at the trauma centre, second appointment.

It's so hard; the counsellor threw me in the deep end and refused to change the subject at one point even though I was begging and nearly crying, and cutting my arm with a broken plastic cup.

I am just a disgusting mess. Maybe I should cancel it.

Sorry, I don't even really know what I am asking. Just wanted to vent. Sorry.

You clearly need to talk about it with someone who won't judge you. Tell the counsellor that you are really struggling to talk about it, and could you please take it slowly. They are supposed to help and support you. If it gets too much, you can just leave, its not a police interrogation cell! Good luck

Oh, and just because everyone on a thread decides something, it doesn't mean that they are right! Don't be so hard on yourself

Please don't cancel.

What topic did you post in, was it an unrelated thread that you felt safe on?

I think this section is a safe section and now you have your own thread I think you will find strength and support here to help with your counselling.

I also think the counsellor was wrong to have you in tears but without knowing what the counselling is for it is hard to comment.

Feel free to pm me, I am a good listener and I promise not to judge.

Mosp, I'm sorry to hear you're feeling so bad.

Of course I don't know what's happened but maybe give counselling another try before cancelling.

I've had counselling for depression and it certainly got worse before it started to improve in my case.

Hope someone comes along soon, who is able to help you, but didn't want to leave your post unanswered.

People who don't have MH issues are often very judgemental and do not understand at all how others react and make decisions in a way that is beyond their conscience thought.

I'm sure experienced therapists especially those working at a trauma centre will have heard it all before.

Could you write it down and give it to them if you don't think you could actually bring yourself to say it?

Xposts there, but some good suggestions for you. x

I would just like to add that I said some vile things during my counselling.
I said things because I felt them but also because I wanted her to know and feel about me the way I felt about myself.
She didnt and wouldn't and it drove me fucking mad
I told her details about my experience that I can't ever tell ANYONE in rl as I know it would make them ill. because it is vile.

However, all therapists have a back up and support network so that they have a release, they are trained to be able to hear the most horrific, challenging things and to then guide and advise in a way that average members of the public just can't. It is why they have constant training and development.

So I have no idea what you posted, but I am confident that anything you said will not be the first time your therapist has heard it, not will it shock them.

Please go even if you don't say anything.

Please go along the counselling session - they do get easier. Whatever it is that's happened, you do need to speak to someone. Remember these people are trained to help, whereas MN is just a public forum; sometimes people without mental health issues can't really understand it. Its not their fault, just the way it is.

Keep talking here.

I posted under another name and I also made out it was about someone else.

It really was disgusting. I am disgusting. My troubles began years ago when I got forced, and since then I have been inept.

The counsellor wanted to prove to me that nothing will happen to me if I face something. The issue was very secondary so I guess she thought it was a good place to start. She'd not had any luck getting me to speak during the two assessment sessions, so I imagine she just wanted to try any approach.

To make things harder, I'm only seeing her twice (to bridge a gap because she leaves in Sept and I've been allocated a male psychologist but not until October). If I can't speak to her, what will it be like with a man??? If I don't take him, I'll be waiting months and months.

I agree with everyone else- good advice.

The problem with the recent encounter is that...IT WAS DEFINITELY MY FAULT. I purposefully phrased it in the deleted thread so that I would get honest answers, not just what I wanted to hear. I didn't want mn to know that I had back issues because that could cloud judgement about whether the other person wronged me. Apparantly, he did no wrong. Appararantly, I consented.

Thank you for replying.

I will go tomorrow, but I'm dreading it. She knows what I fear, and she has it in her hands to cause severe damage.

:( mosp,, how could something you were forced to do be your fault

the thing is that just because you have started to self sabotage (at a guess if what you have posted here is true) doesn't mean to say you don't need help.

there are people who have suffered all sorts of things that seemingly walk back into a situation with free will,

putting ones self into risky/dangerous situations can actually be a clear sign that you need support

Was this the thread about M & C?
If so, it was in chat if I remember rightly, where you're not likely to get the most understanding of audiences.
Please don't cancel your counselling session, if you have problems counselling is a good way to get through them, but it is bloody hard work. Believe me, if you've got an experienced counsellor I can almost guarantee they've heard worse than whatever you tell them, and it's not their job to pass judgement anyway.

I hope you manage to get help with whatever problems you are facing.

I would try writing down what you want to say before you go- it makes it clearer in your mind and is a starting point.

MN can be very cruel-especially if you ask for honesty- don't take it to heart.

Best wishes for tomorrow.

Yes, it was M & C. Totally disgusting. It must take a lot to disgust mnetters, but this one did :(
It was in relationships, where I have met some lovely mnetters before (under this name). The posts were not unkind though, just truthful: It was my fault.

Past situations will make some people react differently in new situations.

That doesn't mean it will make you feel any better about the end result.

I think if you posted a blaintant "I came onto some bloke and now feel really sordid and like I should have said no" without posting a history of manipulation and safe guarding yourself you will receive a different response.

It is very easy to be self hating and loathful of yourself, it is very hard to deal with the why's and learn new approaches.

Hi mosp, I saw your thread. I also read the responses completely differently.

MN deleted it because your transcript included graphic description of a sexual act involving a vulnerable woman (you :(), not because of any judgement on you. The 'beyond the pale' description was used in reference to the effect reading the transcript might have had on other posters - the content was not what anyone would expect to find on opening a thread, and may have been triggering for others. I agree though that it probably wasn't the best choice of phrase.

Also, other posters did not say it was all your fault and none of his. Your asked specifically in your OP if he was at fault legally or morally and the answer was legally: no, morally: much harder to say but on balance people felt the situation was confused and also hard to follow. They most certainly did not say that therefore the fault lies with you.

I'm sorry you read the thread so differently and felt that criticism was aimed at you, but I would suggest that in your current vulnerable state you are unable to see this. That's exactly why you should talk about this to a counsellor. Believe me, nothing is 'too much' for your counsellor.

One last thing - counselling is an incredibly difficult process, especially when you are working on stuff that is this traumatic. Please try and be kind to yourself.

I posted on that thread & I promise you I wasn't disgusted. It was obvious that there was a huge untold back story as to why things went the way they did & people could only pass judgement on what you posted. With more insight you might have got a whole different response & hopefully you can work this out with your counsellor.

I suppose I was not looking for sympathy. I wanted the truth and I got it. Just as the mnetters had no clue of my history, neither did that man. So he can't be held accountable.

Came on to agree with TheTT. Lots of posters on the thread wanted you to seek help and were worried about you. It was quite a long OP but really a lot of people wished you well and hoped you wouldnt get into the same situation again. Please do talk to your counsellor who knows the whole story far better than anyone here.