if mumsnet can't stomach it, how will I tell a counsellor?

[mosp]

The other day, I posted something in another topic. I can't really repeat it. It got deleted because it was deemed 'beyond the pale' by mumsnet towers.

It was about a situation that I got myself into some months ago, but I still feel ill as a result.

I know that I'm just sick and completely incapable of looking after myself.

Everyone unanimously agreed that I was to blame and the other person did no wrong.

Tomorrow I have counselling session at the trauma centre, second appointment.

It's so hard; the counsellor threw me in the deep end and refused to change the subject at one point even though I was begging and nearly crying, and cutting my arm with a broken plastic cup.

I am just a disgusting mess. Maybe I should cancel it.

Sorry, I don't even really know what I am asking. Just wanted to vent. Sorry.

You're right. That's precisely what it is. However, it is absolutely NOT what I want. I suppose I just know that I can't be helped and I have massive fear of bothering people or taking up their time when I'm so worthless a cause.
I wish I could think differently, but I can't snap out of it.

Well, I dunno if it's true you can't be helped Mosp. Does talking on here help? Does spending time with your girls help?

When was the last time you felt really nice, even for just a moment or two? Want to tell us about it?

Yes, there are times that I enjoy. I do laugh and smile and enjoy friendships.

But if I ever pause and think, I remember that I am loathsome.

If something happens to upset someone where I am the cause, I just get completely fatalistic about it and it starts off a spiral of thinking.

I know in my head that my brain is flawed, but nothing can pull me out of that pit.

That is all added to the traumatic memories from my past, they torment me and attack me and harm me. They colour my world. I can't trust, especially men.

Hey Mosp,

Lots of support here, and some excellent advice from garlicnuts. Am around today so please PM me if you need to. x

I'm still here too :)

If you were truly loathsome you wouldn't have friends, you'd be alone. You have friends, your daughters care & you have all of us on this thread who care so you really aren't as dreadful as you think.

Thank you. The fog has lifted a little today :)

Ooh! Glad to hear it, Mosp :)

And I've killed all the nits. Just counting my blessings here.

Have spoken to J's dad and hope he can act as a go-between and help me resolve things with J. It's so hard because our letters take a week each way so I have to wait ages to know what response I'll get.

Every dead nit is a blessing

I don't understand what's going on with J's dad and the letters, so all I can do is wish a constructive outcome for you.

Shall I have liver (healthy), chicken (nice but slow) or random snacks for dinner? What are you and the girls having?

Glad the fog is lifting & the nits are dead

Eurgh to liver. I have childhood memories of chewing and chewing but no amount of gravy was enough to make it swallowable!

We're having something out the freezer because I'm disorganised and we've been out all day.

If you want snacks, eat snacks. That's my sage advice. You can always eat fruit if you get pangs of guilt.

Second the Eurgh to liver, but then again, I'm a veggie.
I have just eaten my bodyweight in mashed potato!

But mosp, yes, if anyone wants a snack, they should have one. Denying food in order to feel virtuous is just not on my agenda. I try to eat the unhealthy things in moderation, but I don't always succeed. Although one of my favourite snacks is sour cherries.

Glad to hear the nits are dead, and that today is feeling a bit better. :)

Hi Mosp glad you have had a better day and way to go with the nits bloody things. Liver eurgh.

Mosp you are SO bad at pushing people away, look they are still here. No one here is going to reinforce your perception of yourself as a bad person because no one believes that you are.

Snacks it has been! Thanks for your sage advice

Mosp you are SO bad at pushing people away

Second this :)

Glad to have been of service garlic. What snacks did you indulge in?

I woke up with huge anxiety today. We're going swimming later so hope I can tire myself out physically.

Thanks for not running away (so far). X

Oh, Mosp, it's REALLY hard not to run away! You're so horrible! I wish you would stop bullying me!! And pulling that scary face when you see me!! Argh!

Hope you enjoyed your swim.

Snacks: Well, I made a couple of peanut butter & Marmite sandwiches (not everyone's taste, I know ...) and ate some fruit, carrots and tomatoes. Then I couldn't sleep. So I baked 12 chocolate cookies - but only six, actually, as I ate half the batter - and still couldn't sleep so I ate ALL the cookies.

Not my proudest moment. But, hey. I baked nice cookies.

I'm not running away either, so there! :)

I'm still here too so you've not pushed me away yet either

Just popping in to say 'hi' and 'I'm still alive'.

Now I'm off to hang the laundry out. Such fun!

Hi Mosp, how are you feeling today?

I'm alright thank you. Just not thinking too much. I think I was especially bad the other day because of the therapy - it was hard. Then I came home to find a 30 page letter and learned that I'd upset J.

Been meaning to check how you are all day but kept getting distracted.

Are you already on AD's Mosp? They have been so helpful for me. Please don't think of doing anything to your lovely self. You have so much to live for. You can, and will, get through this.