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Original poster

if mumsnet can't stomach it, how will I tell a counsellor?

152 replies

mosp · 28/08/2012 22:10

The other day, I posted something in another topic. I can't really repeat it. It got deleted because it was deemed 'beyond the pale' by mumsnet towers.

It was about a situation that I got myself into some months ago, but I still feel ill as a result.

I know that I'm just sick and completely incapable of looking after myself.

Everyone unanimously agreed that I was to blame and the other person did no wrong.

Tomorrow I have counselling session at the trauma centre, second appointment.

It's so hard; the counsellor threw me in the deep end and refused to change the subject at one point even though I was begging and nearly crying, and cutting my arm with a broken plastic cup.

I am just a disgusting mess. Maybe I should cancel it.

Sorry, I don't even really know what I am asking. Just wanted to vent. Sorry.

OP posts:
coribells · 28/08/2012 23:26

I can't imagine what you could do on scrabble that led to some thing so humiliating. However I'd something progressed via web can that you were particularly comfortable with I can understand you might think you've done something very wrong. If its what I think it is . It's not the worst thing in the world .

garlicnuts · 28/08/2012 23:26

"I paid the price" :( Darling, you suffered shock and humiliation at the hands of a nasty man who likes to upset women. He is wrong. He's a user, a sexist abuser of shy women. What a prat. I don't like him.

You are never responsible for somebody else's behaviour. Never. Unless that person is a small child, and even then your responsibility's limited.

Counselling could turn out wonderful for you, in that you may learn where your responsibilities end and begin. It may help you set firm, sensible boundaries for your own protection.

RagingDull · 28/08/2012 23:27

you can tell a counsellor because they wont judge unlike mumsnetters

and you have very low self esteem if you are doing things that make you feel uncomfortable yet still do them anyway because being liked is much more important....

you need that counselling girl! just be truthful. honest. it will be ok. it will help if you have the right counsellor. it may make you work out why you need to please without thought for what you want.

coribells · 28/08/2012 23:27

Sorry for the typos , an on iPhone

OldLadyKnowsNothing · 28/08/2012 23:29

Mosp, I saw your thread. I don't hate you and don't think you're gross, you were plainly distressed and yes, he should have stopped. It's not your fault you did as you were told, you've been trained since childhood. Please see this counsellor and make a start on killing your demons.

Original poster
mosp · 28/08/2012 23:36

And some of them on that thread thought I was trolling or just posting 'porn'. If that doesn't make me gross, what does?

I suppose in the back of my mind I thought there was no getting out of it so I might as well get it over with. Story of my life really.

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garlicnuts · 28/08/2012 23:38

Ahh... Well, this is the story that will get worked through in counselling, with a happier ending. It may not feel like it right now, Mosp, but you're making a good start!

All the best. Keep posting if you wibble. x

wicketter · 28/08/2012 23:39

Stop! It was wrong. Not your fault. Ignore others. You know what happened and how you feel. Please take care and talk to counsellor x

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 22:45

I'm here crying and crying and drinking and drinking :(

OP posts:
NeverKnowinglyUnderstood · 29/08/2012 23:05

did you go today?

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:07

I am crap personified. I got through the therapy though it was hard. Then I came home and heard from a good friend and I'm devastated :(

OP posts:
BertieBotts · 29/08/2012 23:10

OH - I know which post you mean. I wrote a long reply but never got the chance to post it, and because I'm disorganised it's still open in a notepad file (I always save long replies because I have a habit of deleting them by accident)

Would you like me to PM it to you? I don't want to cause any upset but at the same time it's still there if you want to read it. It's not explicit and it's not judgy.

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:11

sure. thank you

OP posts:
wicketter · 29/08/2012 23:11

Well done for going x

PissyDust · 29/08/2012 23:12

Im here, how did it al go? What is the Matter with your friend?

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:13

My dd just came downstairs to me and asked me to promise that no matter how bad I feel I should never kill myself or harm myself in any way. I'm trapped. I want to cut myself to bits.

OP posts:
LastMangoInParis · 29/08/2012 23:17

mosp I have only read about half this thread but there are already lots of things I want to say to you.
Here are a couple:

  1. You said you wanted 'the truth' and you got it. no you didn't, you got a lot of off the cuff chat forum opinions, gut responses, knee jerk reactions. That's not 'the truth'.
  2. No good counsellor will lie to you to make you feel OK. (S)he might stay silent, might try and reassure you, but you won't be lied to.
  3. You are saying so much already in this thread that could be so useful for a counsellor to know, and for you read back, maybe in a few days or a few months, about the way you feel, about how you see things. It might be a good idea to print out or copy what you've said on this thread and take it to a counsellor to help build a picture of how you're feeling and thinking.

But also, a counsellor will have heard many, many 'shocking' or 'disgusting' or 'terrible' truths from so many people. What you have to say, however difficult and terrible will not shock or alarm or disgust a decent therapist. And (s)he will be trained to deal with her or his own feelings (which naturally will be just as human and flawed as anybody else's. But will be under control.)

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:17

I upset him because of my paranoia and suspicious mind. I accused him of something with absolutely no basis other than my experiences with men in general. He was upset. Also, when he was hurting and wanting to drive it home to me that he would never harm me or use me, he pointed out that I sometimes 'slip in' sexual stuff in my letters and he's worried I feel I need to do that in order to keep his friendship. I had no idea. It felt like a slap in the face.
It's ridiculous, I should be the one helping him (he's a DR prisoner penfriend) but he is so solid and reliable and beyond reproach. And I'm crap.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:24

Thank you Bertie. Just to clarify, I blocked him, not the other way round. He messaged me on fb the next day too, but I blocked him there too without replying. I feel guilty even now, but I can't risk apologising.

OP posts:
Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:26

Mango, those gut responses were the 'truth' simply because they were gut responses. I wanted to know if C was in the wrong. He was not in the wrong. I only have myself to blame.

OP posts:
wicketter · 29/08/2012 23:26

You are not crap you are hurting.

FannyFifer · 29/08/2012 23:31

Mosp, I read your thread though didn't post on it.
The bloke sounded like he thought you were playing a game, that you were pretending to be shy maybe That 50 shades book has a lot to answer for, encouraging appalling men to act even worse, he prob thought you enjoyed him being in charge so to speak.

You need to speak to therapist and work through why you didn't just tell him to fuck off or switch off computer.

Obviously there is a huge back story here, I'm sorry you are so upset. Maybe to ensure your safety do not use your scrabble game or Skype for now.

BertieBotts · 29/08/2012 23:38

God no, don't apologise. I would just forget about him and not write to him any more. I am sure he will find another penfriend through the agency. You could even contact them yourself if you wanted and say you feel uncomfortable with continuing to write to him and that you won't be contacting him any more. It is a very brave and lovely thing to do, I don't think I could do it. But you have no obligation, it's fine to say "I can't do this any more" or even "I don't want to do this".

What I was trying to say is that I understand totally why you didn't stop or log off. It's like when we are frightened we try to normalise things and we carry on in the hope that it will make it all okay and we can pretend it is normal and it will be alright. People never think that they will react in this way and so it can be really hard to spot in others as well. So I think that he probably carried on because he assumed (wrongly) that if you weren't happy you would have been more direct. That doesn't make it your fault, it's just a misunderstanding. Nobody was in the wrong.

BertieBotts · 29/08/2012 23:39

Or even to just leave it. You don't owe him anything. (Add this at end of my first paragraph)

Original poster
mosp · 29/08/2012 23:42

Stop writing? No. I can't do that, unless he asks to stop. He's so great, I don't deserve a friend like him. We write so often, we've made a great friendship. Also, I'm friendly with the whole family.
I'm just so upset that I hurt him and I am terrified he'll decide to end our friendship. He already has other penfriends.
The drink is starting to take effect, thank goodness

OP posts: