if mumsnet can't stomach it, how will I tell a counsellor?

[mosp]

The other day, I posted something in another topic. I can't really repeat it. It got deleted because it was deemed 'beyond the pale' by mumsnet towers.

It was about a situation that I got myself into some months ago, but I still feel ill as a result.

I know that I'm just sick and completely incapable of looking after myself.

Everyone unanimously agreed that I was to blame and the other person did no wrong.

Tomorrow I have counselling session at the trauma centre, second appointment.

It's so hard; the counsellor threw me in the deep end and refused to change the subject at one point even though I was begging and nearly crying, and cutting my arm with a broken plastic cup.

I am just a disgusting mess. Maybe I should cancel it.

Sorry, I don't even really know what I am asking. Just wanted to vent. Sorry.

Those of you who were unfortunate enough to read that thread, do you think that there was no way he could have picked up on the fact that I didn't want it even though I was not exercising my right to get away?

Please pm me. I have felt the same x

I'm quite surprised that there are people here on mental health who saw that thread, as it was so short lived and not very long really.

I think the problem with cybersex is that the people you 'pick up' to engage with aren't likely to be very in tune with you & what your needs are, they're in it for a quick thrill & that's it (IMO). You strike me as a very vulnerable person who maybe wasn't thinking straight, but most 'rational' people know what they are getting into & would expect the other person to simply disconnect if they didn't want to continue. I'm not saying you're wrong not to have done this, but I don't think he necessarily is wrong either.

I view through active.

Although I didn't see the thread, please explain again and I'm sure you will receive a better response. But you must go to your session tomorrow as it will really help in the long run.

I didn't get in contact with him for anything of the kind. It was kind of gradual and I have a massive problem with being rude or upsetting anyone. I just found myself in that situation with no idea of how I could have got out of it.

OP, as I said on your other thread, the guy was a bossy twat. Yes, I think you did give out quite clear signals that you were uncomfortable but I'd imagine that he was either too randy to pick up on them or he thought you were game playing. Neither excuses excuse him for being so pushy - there are a lot of men like that out there in webcam world! - but it would probably have taken stronger signals from you to get him to realise that you were feeling uncomfortable.

If it's any consolation, there are thousands of people doing the same over webcam right now and right the way around the clock! There is exploitation, no doubt and drunken situations which may well be regretted in the morning. Other folk will just shrug it off and put it down to experience.

I'm not trying to belittle your feelings, just saying that in the general scheme of things, it's not something you should feel overly disgusted with yourself over I could confess stuff that would make your toes curl

See your counsellor, love and talk it through. It'll be ok.

In a nutshell: I got talking to a man online (through playing a game). He was totally normal seeming at start with, but gradually he started making suggestive remarks. When I told him I didn't like it, he got upset with me. I then tried to apologise but he refused to accept my apology until I agreed to give him what he wanted.

For those who read the other thread, there was obviously dialogue between us before skype.

I think you're looking for answers to the wrong questions :(

My mistake, I thought you had previous history with C. All you had to do was say 'I'm sorry I'm not in the mood for this right now'. If he was any kind of decent man he'd have much rather you said than continued doing something you weren't comfortable with, he shouldn't have been offended or upset. If he was a jerk he'd have disconnected & started up with someone else so still wouldn't have been offended or upset. There's nothing wrong with saying No.

For the kind person who just messaged me: I'm so sorry but I couldn't read it. I glimpsed that 'word' that I can't cope with and couldn't look any more. Can you re-send with euphemisms please?

That is so sad to read and in no way do I think you did anything wrong more than agreeing to something you didn't really want to do

Internet replies are sometimes so hard to juspdge the tone of, what you may think people are saying may not be how they mean for it to be read.

Have strength for tomorrow x

I need to go to bed now so won't post anymore, but hope tomorrow goes ok & that you find the strength to deal with your problems & don't get into another situation like this again x

But the counsellor will lie to me and tell me what they think will make me feel better. What I need is the truth.

Those of us who saw both threads are saying please go to counselling. That's the truth, that's what we think.

You hate me, you think I'm gross. I am gross. I should just go to sleep. Thank you for trying.

I didn't read your last thread . So I'm not sure what your asking for. But I've some experience with 'online relationships' so what happened to make you feel so bad about yourself?

Hope you are ok. I have no clue what happened but it sounds very traumatic indeed. :(

Mosp we don't hate you and we don't think you are gross.

Please go to counselling tomorrow.

Mosp, I don't actually know what you're on about but you are coming across loud and clear as feeling that you deserve blame & shame. You said you find it hard to refuse people, and to stop interacting with them if they make you uncomfortable. I'm wondering if you feel that you are "to blame" for something bad happening, when you say No? Does this ring any bells?

People who push you to do things for their own, selfish ends are wrong. Simple as. It can be one thing to "know" this in your head, a completely other thing to feel it and act upon it. Nonetheless, they are wrong to put others on the back foot like that.

I summed it up in 22:55. The outcome was that I obeyed every word he said even though I hated it (and he was aware I hated it). But I didn't log off. I paid the price.

What was the game?

The game was scrabble. Irony is that I thought I had sussed out how to spot the chancers. They are rubbish at the game and try too soon to get you talking to them. I always delete those ones. C was not like that.