if mumsnet can't stomach it, how will I tell a counsellor?

[mosp]

The other day, I posted something in another topic. I can't really repeat it. It got deleted because it was deemed 'beyond the pale' by mumsnet towers.

It was about a situation that I got myself into some months ago, but I still feel ill as a result.

I know that I'm just sick and completely incapable of looking after myself.

Everyone unanimously agreed that I was to blame and the other person did no wrong.

Tomorrow I have counselling session at the trauma centre, second appointment.

It's so hard; the counsellor threw me in the deep end and refused to change the subject at one point even though I was begging and nearly crying, and cutting my arm with a broken plastic cup.

I am just a disgusting mess. Maybe I should cancel it.

Sorry, I don't even really know what I am asking. Just wanted to vent. Sorry.

Thank you Nutella. Yes, I'm on 200mg sertraline. It makes a MASSIVE difference. Before, I was a wreck 100% of the time. Now, I can cope mostly but still get blips.

Even when I feel able to cope, the dull feeling of 'I'd rather not be alive' is constantly there.

Glad to see you've 'called in', Mosp. Shame that the therapy is really putting you through it, but can you take any comfort from the fact that
a) you have made yourself go to the session
b) you have come back in one piece, albeit a little ragged round the edges
c) crying is theraputic. It releases hormones that make you feel bad. So, if you hadn't cried, you'd feel worse
also
d) the ADs are helping.

Is there any way at all that you can take up some sort of hobby - something that really interests or inspires you? You may find it helpful?

My friend (battling eating disorders, bi-polar and potentially agarophobia) finds her weekly dance class a great help, even though she has a personal battle to actually get there. Personally I have found that something similar for me has really helped build my self-belief and self-confidence.

Offline for a little bit today, but back later. :)

One of the frustrating things about being a single mum is that I don't get the opportunity to cry properly because it leaves my girls do distressed. They won't leave me in peace to cry.

I don't really think I could fit anything more in my life. My hobbies are mostly solitary but that's what I like. I seem to spend a lot if my life gagging to be alone!

How are y'all?

I'm fine, but son has been a bit of a horror this afternoon so exhausted! Am sure once I have dinner & get to bed I'll feel a lot better.

My baby just left for her first day at secondary school. Boooo Hooooo!

That must be hard, my son is only 2.6 so I can't imagine him ever going to school!

I don't know where all the time went. I want my baby back. They'll leave home 'soon' !

Ah, you're making me feel hearless. I love DD dearly, but I live for the one day a week she is at nursery. Today I have managed to blitz clean a room. If she was home with me I'd have done nothing.

heartless, even.

See, I was so tired I couldn't even spell.

Hope today has been an upbeat one.

Not heartless Vadar I adore my son but I am so relieved to take him to nursery, my excuse is that I'm 37 weeks pregnant, but to be honest I've always felt like this...he's lovely but he is just exhausting!

I agree. We all need time away from our children, though we love them. I got stressed many times when they were smaller, but overall the memories are good and I moarn for those times.

Even now when I get frustrated with the mess they make, I remind myself that I will miss that mess when they're gone. Maybe I'll resort to smearing sticky cake mix to the cupboard handles and leaving shoes out in the rain.

My first day all alone today. Better get on with the multitude of jobs I have on my list...

Hope you're all well. HB, I didn't realise you were pregnant. Really hope it all goes well for you!

have you ever tried anti depressants?
do yout hink they might be worth a try

i'm sorry you feel so down, wish i had some decent advice to help you

Yes, nearly at the end though so getting ready for his lordship's arrival . Feeling a bit grotty but I know it will be worth it in the end.

You're sounding a lot more positive Mosp which is awesome

Maybe a generic GP based Rodgersian style counsellor is not your best fit. There are some great counsellors, but many many so so ones who lack the specific skills and knowledge required to deal with issues such as cutting/self harm.

Your local CMHT may be able to access more specific talking therapy for you. if not, contact one of the training centres for psychotherapeutics and they may be able to offer you supervised sessions or recommend a more appropriate therapist.

Remember also, that counselling isn't always 'warm and fluffy'. They are going to go there, even if you may resist it. Indeed, resistance to certain areas of discussion could be part of your problem and may be hampering positive change.

However this needs to be done in such a manner as to not leave you 'dangling' after each visit because a counsellor lacks the skills to bring about a cathartic resolution to discussions and disclosure at the end of sessions.

And when other Mners close down 'discussion' with you, it isn't because you've driven them away. It's because we cannot keep repeating the same advice. You can either take it on board or not. But you can use therapy to help you regain your internal locus of control. Psychological distress does limit the choices/options you feel you have available to you or within you. But unless you have an investment in not making a change (for whatever reason-fear, secondary gain etc), you will have to maybe commit to and stick with a process of treatment and assistance that does make you feel worse at times and that will and can be challenging.

Good luck.

Thank you orchid. Yes, I'm already on a high dose of ADs. They are incredibly effective for me, but obviously I still get bad times.

Mignonette, thanks for the message. The therapy I'm getting is specialised - It's trauma therapy at a specialist trauma centre. They have warned me that things will get worse before they get better, so I'm prepared for that (well, as prepared as I ever can be). I don't actually start therapy until October. I have only had two assessment sessions and then two preparatory sessions. Now I wait a month.

I hope no one feels offended about the 'driven away' comment. I never have 'expectations' of anyone. I don't deserve kindness or support, so believe me: I'm humbled and grateful when I get it. I wouldn't blame anyone who wants to walk away when I just seem to 'refuse' to get better.

Mosp, you sound so much like my friend in the US who is coming to stay with me for a week.

She has had eating issues (bullimic and anorexic), severe depression to the extent of having herself sectioned once, being committed involuntarily once, two suicide attempts and electro-shock therapy. She's now just beginning to get focus on how the land lies, but is starting to experience agaraphobia/anxiety.
At the moment she is still trying to get her meds sorted, but I have known and supported her for the last 18 years and I'm not giving up on her now.

Sounds as though the therapy is going to be tough, but effective. There is some very helpful comment and advice on this thread. Don't feel you have to do anything about it all yet, just save it, read it, and know that it is there for you.

I'm not going to go anywhere either.

Sorry Mosp, realised that some of my last post sounded quite negative - I didn't mean to say you were the same as my friend with the various issues, but what I was trying to say (and badly so) was that she too has a negative image of herself, and sometimes struggles with the most basic of things from day to day. But, she, like you, continues to battle those demons. x

Oh Geoff, sorry I've not been back. Nothing you wrote upset me - not at all! I'm really really grateful that you are there actually. Thank you!
I've just not really had anything to report. When I'm above water, I need to leave well alone so I just didn't look at the thread. Sorry!
Have you seen the 'thing in the post' thread? It is fun :)

No problems - glad you're feeling 'above water' :)

I saw the thread was there, but not really looked at it properly - will do so. x

Mosp, alot of people make some sort of mistake in this way where they allow themselves to be taken advantage of. Many of these people just do not talk about it so it is hard to work out how common it actually is.

For me my ages between 17 and 20 were the worst. However although I deeply regret much of it, I also learned from it. The one thing I can tell you is that this situation is a reflection of your own confidence. Not that your a bad person.

Dwelling on the situation is neither healthy or productive to your situation. Use is to examine why you should let these things happen and work on those areas instead.

One thing is for sure....YOU ARE NOT DISGUSTING. Consenting adults do it all the time. So I would suggest you work through why you feel so devalued. Why you allowed it to happen and work on those areas instead.

Thought I'd lost this thread. Glad you're feeling ok Mosp, I've been incredibly grumpy & fed up with being pregnant!

Wobbling a bit today. So anxious :( Just feel worthless. J's dad said he and J were discussing me yesterday but he can't tell me anything because J wants to tell me...So I have to wait for a letter, and I'm scared.

mosp I won't post about here but you are not the only one! This has happened to me too.

PM me any time. I understand the fact you're experiencing every emotion under the sun.

That's really unfair of J's dad to tell you they've been discussing you & then make you wait for a letter.

You've been doing so well, I hope this doesn't make you wobble for too long.

What MrsHelsBels said. Hope the wobble has wobbled off a bit! x