to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

PeppermintLatte I think your message will reach out to the OP, it's important for Emerging not to feel alone or be afraid to tell other people what she is feeling/experiencing, and as you rightly suggest she really should seek help asap from a family member or GP

I think you could have post natal psychosis.
Please talk to a hcp.

Emerging, how old is your baby?
Did you have a boy or a girl?
Would you like to tell us your baby's name?

If you are not back here tonight, I hope you are having a restful night - baby permitting.

OP, when people hear voices, it's a common misconception that the voices are nasty or scary and that they say terrible things, etc. The voice can sound like it is coming from a wonderful place, and is a sweet, caring, gentle voice telling them things that are for their own good. Similarly, MH issues are not necessarily negative for the sufferer to experience, and so the sufferer does not realise how dangerous their thinking has become, or indeed that their thinking is dangerous and bizarre.

As others have said, the fact that you are hearing a voice urging you towards death soon after having a child, is very, VERY serious and worrying and you must contact someone as soon as possible to discuss these thoughts and experiences. They are absolutely not normal, even if they seem pleasant. There is no transition, no wonderful place we go to after this. And you cannot die by wishing it or 'allowing' it. There are people out there who can help you, truly help you - please reach out and ask for that health as soon as possible.

Hello OP
We have moved this thread out of AIBU
Hope you can find some support both in RL as well as on MN
All very best to you

justme Faries thank you. x

Good idea, Olympia, thanks.
I hadn't even realised it was in AIBU...

emerging - i'm just in from work and looking after my disabled mother (i'm such a hero! i do it once in a blue moon) so i really haven't got time to read five pages, sorry -

i have had a fairly similar experience after my brain event. i was called to the light and asked if there was anything unfinished - i said my daughter might still need me and was immediately back. the sense of loss was enormous but the peace is still with me and i connect with it sometimes.

i don't think it means you are planning to die - but i always recommend counselling, so get some, its a pain in the backside but very helpful generally, just go to the gp and ask.

light, peace, warmth, great joy, total acceptance, absolute beauty...may they remain with you, enriching your life until old in ripe old age it really is time to go to the light. xx

Please speak to someone, a GP or someone you trust. You need to think of your family and all the beautiful things that are waiting for you. Hope all goes well with you and as others have said, it's not your time to 'go to the other side'. Congratulations on your baby, remember that she needs you. Hugs

Thank you everyone for the comments, and I am planning to talk to someone tommorow (just still carefully considering who).

I am with my DH all night tonight, and then will be with a group of family all day tommorow, so at least I am not alone if things do take a nasty turn (not that I am convinced this is a mental health issue, but am prepared to consider that and cover my bases just in case).

However, I must say I am sad that those who have had similar experiences are being discouraged from sharing them as they are one of the main things I wanted to post here for (not for reinforcement, but for a sense of others having experienced something similar and come through it to whatever end - good or bad).

To the poster who made comments about picturing herself in a coffin, I would like to add my own view that her experience is just as valid as mine, although very different. I used to visualise similar things when I was in depressed episodes of life, and sometimes actively feeling suicidal. However, I have no such feelings now (and have not for some years).

I am also terribly disappointed that this has been moved to Mental Health as I was seeking comments from a wider more general group (including spiritual people), and feel the thread has become significantly less useful to me from this point on as judgement has effectively already been made that it is a mental health issue.

I was willing to consider that point, but certainly had not reached the decision yet... and now I feel that it is the only point that will be pushed at me.

Not that I don't feel it is a valid point (and appreciated), I just didn't want it to be the only one allowed to the censorship of all others, if that makes any sense.

If there is any chance HQ would be willing to move this thread back, or at least to another general area, I would be greatly appreciative. Otherwise I feel the advice here has become very unbalanced (not wrong, just unbalanced). Every bit of it appreciated though.

You can report your own post, emerging, and ask for it to be moved again.

For me the overriding concern for you is that if it IS mental health issue (ie puerpural psychosis), then this can be very dangerous quite quickly.
I am glad to hear you are planning to speak to somebody tomorrow - please seriously consider your GP.

Good night.

Hi Emerging glad you have some family around you :)
some of the things you are saying are raising massive alarm bells. This couples with the fact that you have just had a baby point towards a potentially very dangerous psychotic condition. Please, please talk to someone who can at least rule this out. One of the dreadful things about this condition is that you have no insight into how I'll you actually are. It has distorted you. The consequences are devestating so please, please go to your GP and describe how you feel. It's v important.

Good for you, OP. You have come back having considered the responses and confirmed that you will be talking to someone tomorrow about your experience and feelings. Please let that someone be your GP (though by all means also discuss it with your DP too). I really hope that very soon you stop 'wanting to die' and that you can happily enjoy life with your new baby free from intrusive, destructive thoughts and voices. You are really brave to seek help. Bloody well done.

Emerging just remember, those diagnosing you are not doctors so please do not allow it to influence any reluctance to speak to a professional.

Like you said, just to cover your bases. The sooner the better and then at least you will have peace of mind.

Very good luck for the future. X

OP - There are already quite a lot of views on this thread and the consensus way before HQ moved the thread was that you need to look at this in terms of your mental health. I appreciate that may be disappointing to you but it may also be helpful to use that consensus, take it forward with a health professional like your GP and then after that, if it seems it's not a mental health issue you can repost with that assurance front and centre. Our minds are strange and wonderful places, they can also be treacherous though and that's what's worrying us all. We don't want you to be vulnerable to a bad or dangerous experience.

Hello OP

How are you sleeping at the moment?

I remember seeing things so incredibly clearly, my thoughts were faster, I felt almost powerful ... I could see the bigger picture that noone else could. I had an inner voice that showed me (not actually a voice that talked iyswim?) what was really happening, what I really had to do.

I had clocked up about 8 hours sleep in a week.

I was having a psychotic episode and of course i had no insight whatsoever ...

Please tell someone in real life about the thoughts that you're having.

I'm sorry to be blunt OP, but this is a mental health issue, and the only people who say otherwise will be people with equally distorted thinking. Even the spiritual people who have replied have expressed great concern for your mental state.

I am hoping that you will get help, and one day you will read this thread back to yourself and see how ill you really were.

I am terribly worried for you and your precious baby.

Yes OP just so you are aware most of the posters had already given there view before the thread was moved so as it stands the thread is still s good reflection of everyone's general thoughts.

I hope you manage too speak too someone Tommorrow.

Emerging,

Please would you show the thread to your DH now? You still sound in denial about lots of things. Virtually EVERYONE who has responded, including some medics and some spiritual people, have said 'share this with someone in RL; and get help now/tomorrow'. But instead you are finding reasons around this conclusion - 'I;m trying to find the right person' 'I'm disappointed that there isn;t a broader view' etc..

Please commit yourself to speaking to someone who is qualified to assess your mental health. You have recently had a baby, and you have had serious depression with previous suicidal feelings. You are wondering if, because this feels nothing like that, that you would clearly know what that feels like as you've been there before... But can you (or maybe your DH) see that thoughts such as yours could be a form of your mind attempting to 'protect' you from your depression - ie they seem like your inner spiritual voice when in reality, your body may have 'labelled' them as such because the notion of your true depression/feelings revealing themselves might be too hard now you have a child to protect?

The first few weeks after having a baby are a complete rollercoaster.

How are you managing with sleep? Is the baby feeding ok, and generally healthy? Boy or girl? :)

Hi, Emerging, how are you feeling today?

Good luck for talking to someone today. I shall be thinking of you, your baby and your DP x.

Hi OP, how are you?

Have followed the thread and seen your latest post. I understand your point about not wanting to focus on the mental health aspect. I don't have any experience in that area but what I understand from this thread is that if you are ill this is urgent and you must seek help immediately, to keep yourself and your baby safe.

Think of it like a physical health problem, if you had certain symptoms that could indicate cancer you would get checked by a doctor immediately. Hopefully you would be fine, but you would have been seen by a professional and someone who would be monitoring you in case circumstances changed.

As with cancer, the longer you leave it, the worse it could get. By all means speak to spiritual people, on here and in RL. But wait until AFTER you've seen a mental health professional. Don't risk being wrong, you have too much to lose.

Hi Emerging

I am delurking - was watching your thread yesterday when it was in AIBU.

I had many different feelings and emotions after my children were born. It is a hugely emotional time.

I do think that it is very important to talk them through with your GP, though. With my second child, I had emotions that quite baffled my DH, family and HV. It was only when I spoke to my doctor, that she ran a few tests and it turned out that I had a thyroid condition!

I am a spiritual person, but I do think that many emotions and feelings are actually linked to physical it hormonal changes.

I would suggest that you start with your GP, today if you can, and then go from there.

Emerging, I recognise a lot of what you have written. I had similar where a feeling of peacefulness came over me, everything about life and death seemed clear and I felt that those who didn't understand what I was telling them were not lucky enough to have experienced what I was going through.

I got very angry at the suggestion that I was ill. I felt that people just didn't understand the message I was trying to tell them. I felt like I was special and had been chosen to spread the word as it were.

I absolutely refused to believe it at the time, but I was extremely ill with psychosis. DH called the doctor and we got the help I needed. I argued until I was blue in the face with the doctors that I wasn't ill. I didn't feel ill at all, but believe me, I was.

Please, please, please speak to somebody about this before it becomes dangerous and frightening.