to want to die without making anyone sad?

[Emerging]

(namechange) I wanted to post in the thread about supernatural experiences that was here a while ago, but it seems it is now quite old (things move fast in mumsnet!), and also maybe I should post this as it stands because I find myself in an massive dilemna and wanted to kind of reach out to others... both to ground myself, and to share an experience.

This is to do with the inner voice. Not inner ?voices? as in schizophrenia, but that one clear, pure, true voice at the core of your soul that you can only hear when everything else in your mind is silent.

I had a major life event recently (weeks ago) and something switched in my brain that had been building for a long time? to start just listening to that voice and following it. Keeping my mind quiet of all doubts and fears and just communicating quietly and honestly with that one small voice.

I quite quickly reached a point of what I can only describe as absolute stillness and contentment inside, with just my own ?outer? voice, and that small ?inner? voice quietly conversing like two old friends. I felt like I finally understood everything that life was about.

And then I received (days ago) what I can only describe as a gentle ?invitation?, to cross over. It wasn?t said in those words, but I knew the message in my heart, almost telepathically. It was an invitation to die, to step into ?the light?, to leave this world behind and be born into the world of the ?inner voice?, whatever that is. I don?t mean it was asking me to kill myself? I just knew that if I accepted I would die naturally right there and then.

It was the most REAL thing I have ever experienced, and the fear that welled up in me was too great. I wanted to accept so badly, but my life right now feels perfect and I found it so hard to imagine my loved ones coming home to find me dead and all the grief they would have to go through.

I couldn't say yes to the invitation, but I did say I would like to look in the outer world to see if many others are having this kind of experience, and to share my own if not (I also want to ground myself to make sure I'm not crazy), and my inner voice seemed happy with that? so here I am.

This is my experience. Are there others out there? If death really is a transition, then raising awareness of it would make the process (both for the dying and the left behind) so much easier.

I can't describe how torn I felt between really, really wanting to 'step into the light' and see what might be waiting there, and the pain of leaving everyone I loved behind. Not even just my own pain, but imagining their pain at finding me gone... at a time when everyone is so happy. Is it selfish to want to go? Should I talk to my family about it (or will it throw them into confusion?) Am I crazy?

Print out your original post and take it to your GP. I think you should do this today.

Emerging, the only time I've ever felt similar to you is when I have been close to death (twice in 7 years) but there is a big difference between being physically close to death and making your peace with it and being physically well but feelinpg at peace with death that you wish to expedite by your own hand.
My exP described similar feelings to you and he ultimately took his own life. Please seek help from your GP.

As much as you might still not be sure that this is a mental health issues, please see everyone else being so certain as a sign that you really must get some help.

I understand how you are feeling, and how you must feel like shaking your head at all the suggestions you are ill right now, but I can assure you this is not normal.

No spiritual awakening would be calling for you to cross over. And after death? What do you picture happening then? When I am in a place like you are now, I am sure of a variety of things. But in reality, love, there is nothing. Its the end. Its black and cold and final. And your child would be without a mother.

Please please please contact someone this morning. Show the thread to your DH if you want to complain about how unsupportive you feel we're all being. Just please contact someone.

Hello all, and thank you again for all the messages, which I do recognise as heartfelt and sincere.

I am heading over to visit with family now and am considering which one of them to talk with (perhaps my grandma).

I am also thinking carefully about talking with my GP, but I have to be honest and say that I am scared of the implications. I don't think I can agree with them (at least not yet) that this is illness... and I know that this could very easily lead to me being tagged as having 'lack of insight' and possibly sectioned if they think I am in danger/dangerous (which I am adamant I'm not).

My ride has just come, I did have more to post but will have to post later from the house...

Thanks again all.

Please read all the posts from people saying they felt the same as you, and now with high insight realize how ill they were. I do understand, and each time I am feeling like I have the powers you are describing - to just step over, to see what is there - I am adamant I am not ill. With time I've got better at recognizing it for what it is, love, and that is psychosis.

It is a powerful condition, and the trickiest part of it is that you don't feel you are ill - you are sure its real, and right, and true. That you can just cross over and find out. But sweetheart it really does not work like that.

If you are so sure this is not an illness, but an awakening, then what do you have to loose by talking to your doctor? Or your husband? Or your health visitor?

You're scared of the ramifications of seeking help but pleased be assured, no one is going to harm you, no one is going to judge you and no one is going to take your baby away. If you had physical complications from childbirth you wouldn't hesitate. This is no different, it is physical but just manifests not as bleeding or bruising or a high temperature but in this way. Please don't be afraid. Please speak to your mum or grandmother or aunt or husband or someone. Anyone. But get help from a hcp.

Please dont worry about the implications. I know from family experience that its extremely difficult to be sectioned, even when the person concerned is in a very bad way.

You'll probably be given some tablets, just like taking antidepressants.

You should also be given some support and opportunities to talk through things. Its a process, not a magic wand, nor is it a big stick to beat you with. Its just a road to a safer place.

Emerging, please consider that even if a dr, nurse, counsellor considered you as needing some sort of therapy if that's not the right answer it'll soon be apparent. Reading up on some of the links provided it seems clear to me that as with any illness getting in there early means minimal disruption to you and your life.

Posted too soon sorry.....

Also remember pursing one path doesn't negate pursuing another at the same time, spiritual and medical can be very complimentary, at this point you shouldn't be worried about losing the opportunity to investigate the spiritual side just because, very sensibly, you first rule out any medical side.

But it's important to go to the right people for guidence and grounding, no matter who has tried in this thread to answer your original posts questions truthfully only a professional or expert has the capability to really work through your experiences with you face to face, which is why it's so important for you to talk to someone physically.

Please please speak to your midwife/health visitor/ GP or local crisis team.

It is all very well and good talking to your Grandma but she's not a professional and Will not be able to read between the lines. You will only tell her what you want to tell her if that makes sense.

Speak to someone, if you get a clean bill of health then that's great. If you are unwell then early intervention is very important.

Speaking to your grandma is a good start, but I still think you need to talk to a GP, as soon as possible. Don't be frightened of the implications, they are there to support you and your baby.

In my case, all they did was monthly blood tests and monitored it. Your feelings might be quite different, but I think you need a medical expert to at least be aware and keep an eye on you.

How do you feel today? Are the feelings still strong?

I am at my family's now. Grandma is looking after the baby so I have some time to myself to relax and rest a bit.

I have to tell the truth that I'm just not ready to go to a health professional... for a billion and one reasons, but partly because I fear the situation will explode out of all my control. My DH will find out (and I'm not ready for his reaction either). I will however be talking to my grandma today, and possibly my mum. I know they will take the mental health route too, but I will be honest with them and won't censor what I say or put any spin on it.

In the meantime, I would very much like to just talk through some of this here, as its a safe anonymous place. The information about people's experiences is particularly valuable, and I'm particularly interested in how those who were ill ended up in a harmful place compared to where I am now... like how does it change? How does it go from being good to bad? Partly because I want to know what to look out for, and partly because I want to see how definite known psychosis compares to what I am experiencing.

I'm sorry I haven't answered all the questions people have asked, I do tend to just get snatches of time here and there to quickly log on and read up.

I read the link on psychosis, but the trouble is that I don't see I have any of the symptoms. I'm not hearing voices, even the one voice I do describe is not any audible kind of voice... its the same kind of voice you get when your conscience speaks, something quiet and inward, and almost more telepathic.

Its also not doing anything but offering me an invitation to "transition" (its words, I don't even know what I believe about death). Although I have blocked it completely from last night, and stopped listening to give myself a chance to ground here, just in case. Does anyone know if there is any risk of real harm if it is a delusion and then I accept the invitation? Can you die purely from something you do in your mind?

I feel I've been sleeping enough, although it is highly broken up due to baby's feeds... I'd say roughly 10pm to 8am every night, with about 3 feed disturbances, but he generally goes back to sleep very easily. I am not able to sleep during the day (never can really).

He's an absolute pleasure otherwise, I feel I've bonded with him well (although the birth was traumatic). Looking after him has been easier than I expected.

Interruption... will be back

Dear Emerging, I read your post with interest and alarm last night and I have been thinking about how to respond to you. Shortly after DD was born, my DP suffered a psychotic episode which sounds very, very similar to yours, your post could almost have been written by him. I think we might be considered 'spiritual', yet pretty grounded in the ordinariness of here and now too, not airy-fairy. We both encounter MH issues in our work so with hindsight it was a surprise that it happened to us and we didn't recognise it for what it was until it was very late in the day. Having a baby is of course a life-changing event for men too. DP became quietly euphoric and would describe how "clear" everything appeared, how everything was finally slotting in to place in his life. He was in this state of heightened awareness, dynamic and organised, yet an ocean of calm and patience. Initially I thought he was just taking really well to fatherhood, which is what I know he was thinking too. However, it wasn't long before things took a turn and by the time DD was 12 weeks old he had descended into a full-on psychotic episode which initially started with acute anxiety, paranoia (after all, everything was so clear to him) and suicidal fantasies. I have never been so frightened in my life. It was very, very difficult to convince him that he was unwell as he still felt connected to this 'truth' he had experienced, but luckily he did eventually see his doctor. It was the first step (involving a small amount of medication for a short period and subsequently counselling, which has been fantastic) toward what has been a long but rewarding journey toward recovery and healing for us, bringing us closer together than before. I do urge you to see your doctor. You have a beautiful baby, and although you perhaps don't know it yet, you cannot imagine the invitation to wild joy and absolute love which this baby represents; THIS is the true invitation, THIS is the real journey now, the yoga of being present in your life as a mother. This is the only invitation to accept. I wish you good luck.

Glad to hear your steeling yourself to talk to your grandma and/or mum I think you need to start preparing yourself for the health professionals too, it is nerve wracking but at least that way you are in control to an extent, don't underestimate the value anyone will place on you been the person to initiate contact.

I don't believe you can die from willing it, no. I also don't think my answer will be convincing to you My concern would be if this is part of a psychosis what your reaction to finding that out would be and would you be rational enough to recognise irrationality? Because you're in such a peaceful place now and believe this to be a spiritual experience, if for any reason that changed, how would you process that? You are saying that you can choose not to listen but you're not in anyway in control of the information been communicated to you.

I would be interested to hear from others too, particularly as you say what signs should be looked out for.

The can be no warning from it changing to bad from where you are you.

You are doing the right thing in telling them, well done.

In my opinion (and I am in no way an expert please do not take my opinion as fact) psychosis isn't really "good" thoughts or "bad" thoughts. They are just thoughts that, although may have been based on reality initially, are now irrational and delusional.

I started off thinking my Dh was having an affair (a perfectly reasonable suspicion) I ended up thinking my children and I were in grave immediate danger. At some point I lost touch with reality but even 2 years on its impossible for me to pinpoint where that actually happened.

At no point did I hear voices. It was my inner voice, like you describe, that was doing the talking.

I refused all medication for a fortnight (I didn't need it, there was nothing wrong with me etc etc) The turning point was seeing my mum so upset and worried. I took the meds for her, not me. They worked quickly after a week or so, the thoughts had gone.

OP the thing is that the deal with psychosis is that you won't be able to recognise a deterioration simply because a part of it is a lack of
insight. Please call your doctor or go to a&e.

OP, I posted before about how people have the wrong impressions about hearing voices. Most people who hear voices experience EXACTLY what you describe - ' the still small voice' inside them that they are entirely familiar with now saying something unusual or different. Even if that new, strange thing is said lovingly or is a nice suggestion, which is how you are experiencing it. But it IS 'hearing voices', it IS a delusion.

The very fact that you ask if you could die from something in your mind and from accepting the invitation is terrifying to read, because only someone very ill could think that. The problem with some sorts of psychosis or other mental health problems, is that the things you think, feel and hear within seem entirely normal and reasonable, not scary or odd to you at all. The answer is no, you cannot and will not die from thinking anything. If this was possible, people would drop dead like flies 24-7, because of thinking something like this about themselves or wishing ill will against another person. You cannot make anything happen by thinking it.

But you CAN make yourself well again by talking to a professional about these thoughts. Your family are not the right people to help. They are not trained to understand or help with such things and they just want you to be well and happy. They might misunderstand what you are saying and make you think it's normal, which it is not, or they might minimalise it, because it's too scary for them to deal with, leading you to think you don't need help. All they will be able to offer is reassurance that these thoughts are not normal.. And seeing as you have pages of exactly that here, including the words of doctors and counsellors begging you to seek help, and yet you continue to insist that the voice is normal and reasonable, it is clear that reassurance is not enough.

Op I know you feel stable and in control bit some of the the things you say are not. You asked if you could die from the invitation in your mind. That is not a rational question.

You have too seek professional help. If not for yourself than for your baby.

I have been able to skim (after some heavy socialising), and have broached the topic of 'inner voice' with my grandma in a quiet moment, but we need to go into it in more depth (her and I agreed).

Baby is with grandma, and I am obliged to attend to some study for a while but I will return. I want to raise awareness of this experience, whatever it is, and explore it. I am so grateful for the opportunity to do so here, as otherwise I would be alone with my thoughts. Thank you Mumsnet.

I am glad you are with your family, Emerging. I have been watching the thread and am very worried.

I think, to extend what Sir BoobAlot and YellowDinosaur are saying, the problem is that if this is a psychosis, you may not be aware yourself of the process of transitioning from pleasant thoughts to unpleasant thoughts. Just as the pleasant thoughts constitute your reality at the moment, the unpleasant thoughts could replace them and be your new reality. It is possible you would not be in a position to look out for signs. This is quite a risk to take, isn't it?

I'm very glad you are finding it useful to post here x

I agree with mad, it is not worth the risk to try and self diagnose when if it is psychosis it might alter your opinion of yourself and what is happening anyway.

I just came across this thread and wanted to add my voice of support. I think chatting it through honestly with people who know you well is a great idea and I really hope you have the courage to tell them what you've written here.

Fwiw I don't think this is "normal" and it's most definitely worth having a chat with your GP. I know you say you're not ready to face up to what they say or the possible consequences but they are there to help you understand a bit more about this and not to leap in with drastic and unwarranted actions. Maybe see your HV if you've met one you like, sometimes they can be a bit more approachable.

You have just said you want to raise awareness Emerging. I think you are possibly not telling us the extent of the thoughts you are having.

What did your grandma say? And why did you choose her rather than your husband or mother?